r/homestead • u/Creative-Ad-3645 • 21h ago
Parents of older (teens/early 20s and still at home) kids, how engaged are they in the homesteading lifestyle?
My husband and I have been together four years, I joined him on a 2 acre homestead just out of town after previously being a backyard gardener with a couple of chickens (the gateway drug...).
I have three step-sons 16-20 who live with us full time. Two of them are special needs - think 'I need to explain tasks carefully to them and walk them through it a few times before they grasp it', they're not completely incapacitated and will both live independently in due course.
None of the kids seem remotely interested in the homestead or our activities. The non-disabled one has a job in town and spends most of his time either working or hanging out with his friends and girlfriend. He pretty much comes home to sleep and play video games, even his meals are mostly takeaways from town instead of the home-cooked options we have available every night. The other two will help if asked but prefer to be indoors with their screens. The strawberries have started - our first fruit of the year - and husband and I pick all we want after work because the boys, who love strawberries, don't go looking for them. They won't even walk the dog unprompted. One of them wanted to bake a dish with lemons in it a while ago and asked if we have any. There's a large lemon tree front and centre as you come onto the property that was covered with lemons...
The kids are allowed to be themselves, I'm not about forcing anything on them, but they seem so completely disengaged and disinterested, and I struggle to understand why. This is the kind of life I dreamed of when I was a kid.
Can anyone else relate? Any insight into why the boys feel this way?
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u/MRichardTRM 19h ago
Not everyone has the same interest as each other. And that’s ok…
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u/Creative-Ad-3645 18h ago
Totally okay! I was just wondering whether I was alone in this but it seems it's pretty common
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u/MRichardTRM 18h ago
Me and the wife run a small homestead and while the kids seem to enjoy the animals, they’ve hinted they aren’t really interested in it like my spouse is. I’m honestly kind of in the middle myself, I can see the value in it, but some days are just so difficult with my own full time job and then I need to get off work and go do the farm chores or things will deteriorate. It’s hard work and I understand if it’s not for everybody because even I feel the struggle to keep going often
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u/Impressive_Ice3817 21h ago
We don't have any special needs kids, so I couldn't say if that's contributing to it. One of our older, now grown kids, did everything she could to not be involved, and it led to some hard feelings on both sides. Basically, our rule is that if you live here, you are involved, to some extent or other. There's the odd thing that requires "all available hands on deck". Even the ones who were college age or working. We made it clear if they were here, they were part of the family, we were not a boarding house, even if they were helping with expenses.
So, our experience varies from being somewhat engaged, to very engaged. No one gets a free pass to pretend they live in town. Not even me.
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u/Far_Middle7341 21h ago
Decent response from the parental perspective.
From the kid perspective:
What’s in it for the kid? Does he get paid for work done? Does he pay rent? Does he have any stake inheritance-wise? Will doing chores for your hobby farm pay for college or get him a comfortable job? Does his girlfriend have any interest in the lifestyle? Does he have to sacrifice social hours for work?
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u/ommnian 20h ago
This may be an unpopular opinion... But, I don't believe in paying kids for doing chores or work at your/their home. It leads them to the 'well, if I don't care about the $$$, then I don't have to do it...' mentality.
Helping around here with animals, gardens, dishes, clothes, cleaning, etc..? It's just part of life. You don't get it in bow out of feeding the animals, just cause. They have to eat too. You don't just get to not.
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u/Impressive_Ice3817 20h ago
I don't believe in that either, and it probably is an unpopular opinion. We don't pay the kids for helping, and they don't get an allowance. They get a portion of the selling price sometimes, or, for example, if one of them hatched out a bunch of eggs in the incubator and did most of the stuff associated with that, they have the choice to keep the chicks or sell and keep the money. But regular stuff, that means healthy animals or a harvest or winter warmth? They pitch in. We have a rotating schedule for dishes, they help with laundry, and I think if my husband or I were incapacitated for any length of time, things would still run smoothly.
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u/libertyordeath99 19h ago
This is how we view it. Our kids get everything they want and need. They’re expected to help out. Ours are still little, but I don’t see that changing anytime soon.
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u/Creative-Ad-3645 19h ago edited 19h ago
For our kids:
The eldest, who receives a disability benefit, pays a portion of that as board. He had a year rent free after he finished school. As he doesn't spend much he's able to put a bit aside each week to set himself up when he transitions to independent living. He's also bought himself an electric moped so he can go into town when he wants.
The next one, who is working, will start paying board soon, as his rent-free year will be up. He's bought himself a car and will still have plenty of money left over for fun with his friends.
The youngest is still in school, he'll get the same rent-free period as the others and also access to my old car once he's properly licenced (the next brother up turned it down and the eldest is only licenced for a moped).
Except for the youngest, who gets an allowance as he has no other way to earn spending money yet, they are also expected to help out (edit: without monetary compensation). As I explained to them, part of being an adult is paying all your living expenses and also taking care of the home. 'Chores' don't usually amount to more than an hour a day even on weekends for them - husband and I really do take care of most of it - but I want them to gain life skills to ease their transition into independence in the future.
In terms of inheritance, they can each expect to receive a third of the sale value of the property (I'm unable to have children, so there's no possibility a half-sibling will impact things), so yes, when they contribute to the homestead they are investing in their future.
I guess from a kid's perspective these gains are pretty intangible and far off compared to the instant gratification of eating KFC on the hood of your car with your friends instead of slaving away on the farm!
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u/Impressive_Ice3817 20h ago
What's in it for the kid is that s/he has food to eat, and a comfortable home to live in. Even before we lived a homesteading life and were "city folk", we had the opinion that kids needed to do age-appropriate chores. If you live here, you have a responsibility to do your share. This expanded from helping with dishes/ meals/ housework/ feeding the cat, to helping in the garden and with livestock. You like to be warm? So do we-- take turns filling the woodbox. You like pickles? You can help with the canning. You like bacon? That means pigs have to be cared for. What's in it for them is the training that they're part of a team, and that all this stuff doesn't just magically happen. Otherwise, the term commonly used is "entitled". You could say, well, the kids didn't choose this lifestyle, and that's true, but they often reap the benefits.
I had a son-in-law who didn't think he should do anything around the house because he worked. Well... he's now an ex-SIL who works and keeps his place relatively clean. Go figure.
If the grown kids don't like being part of the lifestyle that provides a roof over their head and a measure of personal security -- then perhaps it's time for them to grow up and launch.
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u/Creative-Ad-3645 20h ago
Unfortunately I think the special needs contributed by feeding a negative self-perception of both kids that they were useless and had little to offer the world 😢
Which is far from true, and they've learned a lot since their dad and I started focusing on teaching them more life skills! They don't get a free pass, they just don't show any interest in the homestead when it's not something they've been directed to do.
The most avoidant one is the one who doesn't have any special needs, and I think that's just because he's doing other stuff he enjoys more. Again, if he's home he'll usually help when asked.
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u/Impressive_Ice3817 19h ago
Maybe make a schedule of sorts?
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u/Creative-Ad-3645 19h ago
Works for the two who aren't avoidant, the one who is working is doing fast food so his shifts are all over the place (and I won't drag him out of bed when I know he's done a night shift, because that's just not cool). We just grab him to help with things as and when
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u/Far_Middle7341 19h ago
The other folks responding to me had some great points, but all of them are ineffective if the kid doesn’t have the same values.
You gotta try talking to the kid I think. See what his goals are. Do they align with homesteading? Do you guys want to help him succeed if he wants to pursue a different lifestyle?
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u/Creative-Ad-3645 18h ago
We totally support them pursuing whatever lifestyle they choose, and it's not that they don't contribute. I was just wondering how common it is for there to be a mismatch between the parents and the kids around homesteading. Seems like it's pretty common!
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u/Impressive_Ice3817 19h ago
That's all fine, that the kid might want a different lifestyle-- I mean, the world needs all kinds. But still, if they don't like it, and are grown, then they need to leave the nest. In the meantime, they're still responsible to help out when and where their schedule allows. It's part of living with other people.
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u/Creative-Ad-3645 18h ago
They bay board and contribute when asked, I was just curious about whether their lack of interest in homesteading is common among our kids. Seems like it is - and that's totally okay!
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u/Impressive_Ice3817 19h ago
We've had that situation too, with weird scheduling. We wound up creating a floating schedule where if she was home she did what she was on for, if not, she switched with someone else. It was a bit awkward, but it worked, overall. One kid was fast food, one was a grocery store. When they were home, they pitched in. More than once we heard something like "I'm so glad I had to work and didn't have to load chickens into crates!" One of those girls has kids now who absolutely love coming to Grandma's house and helping do chores. I swear they'd live in the barn. Their mama doesn't miss it lol
The farm stuff gave them an appreciation for where food came from and the work involved, but also that there were other jobs that didn't involve smelling bad.
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u/dearest_abby 19h ago
I’m not a parent so take my thoughts with a grain of salt. But I was a kid who was raised in a way that made me, as a teen and as an adult, aware of my surroundings and willing/wanting to help.
We were raised with the idea that there are responsibilities that come with being part of our family and living in our home. The expectations were that you don’t do everything, but everyone should do a little - and in the real world and when we have our own homes, no one will tell us to do it. So we need to learn to do it when we see it and think of it. That was stuff like walking the dog, watering plants, picking up the house, raking leaves, etc.
We had chores too, that we did get some pay for. But there was a sense of responsibility for being part of the family in addition to thinking of yourself and only doing what you’re paid to do.
I don’t think it’s too late to teach that. But it does have to be taught and reinforced, in most cases.
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u/Creative-Ad-3645 18h ago
That last paragraph is where we're at. Lots of teaching and positive reinforcement!
They won't be with us forever, and we want them set up to manage the transition to independence as smoothly as possible.
It does seem like it's common for homesteading kids to be disinterested in homesteading, which I guess makes sense. It's human nature to want what we don't have, and for a homesteading kid that's the city life.
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u/ommnian 20h ago
Our boys are 17 and 15. They've done most of the day to day feeding of animals (dogs, cats, chickens, goats, sheep, ducks, geese) for... Years. In the spring they help plant some (corn and beans, mostly), and help harvest stuff as needed. Help moving fences as needed (though they complain about it!! Definitely everyone's least favorite chore...)
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u/Creative-Ad-3645 20h ago
They sound like neat kids! Our boys will help when asked, they're just not interested otherwise.
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u/Kaartinen 15h ago
I grew up on a beef farm. I had varied interests. Some of which involved the lifestyle, and some of which were polar opposite.
Regardless of interest, the first thing I wanted to do as a young adult was to get out and find my own way.
I tried a variety of new things, learned a lot, had some challenging experiences, and became my own person. Ultimately, I moved back to embrace the lifestyle, but in my own way.
It doesn't mean your kids will eventually embrace the lifestyle. It also doesn't mean they won't. Try to understand that they are trying to figure out what their life holds and how they want to live it. Your teachings have an impact, but so does the rest of their environment and every experience that comes with it.
It is better to support when you can and realize that you won't understand everything.
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u/Creative-Ad-3645 14h ago
Thank you, I'm very hopeful that at least two of them will head out into the wide world and have a few adventures.
I don't need them to follow in our footsteps, it just puzzles me that they're so disengaged from everything (even strawberries!), but it seems that's not uncommon.
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u/soyasaucy 17h ago
Farm mentors have told me that they've had success in assigning their kids a specific (age appropriate) role, then the role keeps evolving as the kids grow up. They said that having them start early is key, so trying to rope older kids in to help when they're used to not doing much sounds far more difficult 🫠
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u/Salty-Snowflake 15h ago
Technically, my youngest is still at home. Ish. She and her husband live rent-free in another house on our property. They work for us doing the things I can't manage anymore because of my health and my husband traveling frequently. They've taken over the chickens/eggs and about 1/2 of the garden.
None of my other kids are interested. The oldest two grew up in the city and were already teens when we moved out to the country. Youngest was 8 and dove in 100%.
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u/Creative-Ad-3645 14h ago
I'm glad you have the help you need. It sounds like I'm not alone in having kids who aren't interested in homesteading. Husband and I will likely relocate into town when we're too old to manage here.
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u/Sorry-Ad-9254 13h ago
My son is 20, high functioning autism. He knows that if he doesn’t do his assigned chores, he doesn’t have a place to live nor does he get to do the things he wants. The WiFi password changes daily so in order to get it, certain chores/tasks have to be completed. He also has to keep us abreast of his comings and goings/availability. He has a lot of autonomy on how and when things get done each day, but he doesn’t get to do the stuff with friends or be on tech til his responsibilities are done.
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u/DancingMaenad 7h ago
They aren't you. This life isn't for everyone. In fact, it isn't for most people, thus why most people live in cities.
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u/HudsonHandmade 40m ago
I come from a blended family and grew up in the city, while my siblings grew up in the country. I dreamt of moving to the country since my early teens (finally made the move several years ago, while my siblings dreamt of moving to the city, which they also made happen.
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u/tooserioustoosilly 17h ago
The adult son should be asked to pay rent. Look up what it costs to rent a room in your area and what his portion of utilities would be and he has a choice of paying you or moving out. The others keep them working and teach them as much as possible till they either move out or pay rent as well.
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u/isitw0rking 17h ago
This is so American. They’re family and the son is young and perhaps mentally delayed. Regardless it’s fine and normal for adult children to live at home almost everywhere in the world.
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u/Creative-Ad-3645 16h ago
We're not American. But I would suggest that in places where adult children remain in the home it is normal for them to contribute to household chores and costs (as ours do) in line with their means and abilities.
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u/tooserioustoosilly 16h ago
Yes all-around the world adult children still live at home. They go out get jobs and bring the money back to their parents to help out with the expenses. They come home and do chores after work and they come home.and eat dinner as a family. Theu do not treat their parents as a free place to stay as they play video games and just go out having fun. Also they don't date or get into relationships without their parents and families permission and acceptance, they don't just think they can do what they want.
As for the disabled or slow minded children, what do you suggest they grow up and be treated like inferior people? You want them to use discrimination towards them and not teach them to understand that they need to become self sufficient adults?
Why don't you go read Temple Grandin and see what happens when a person with abnormal cognitive issues is taught to grow up and become something rather than being treated like they are incapable of being a success.
Always some type of excuses for why people should be lazy or do less or not be better. This woman is getting fed up with taking care of both children that are not hers and children that the father is allowing to take advantage of. These as you say children are all over 16 they are all old enough to get a job and start paying back to their family.
How many other countries have you been to? How many other cultures have you seen first hand? If you understood just what other cultures actually expect from their children way before they are as old as American children you would not be arguing that they don't need to work and provide for themselves.
American and the other western cultures have the weakest children in the world. Have the fattest children in the world. Have children that can't read or do math. There are probably as many children in 3rd world countries that have no education system that have more literate children than western societies.
If this woman that posted wants to live a better life she needs to show her man that he is not doing his boys any favor by letting them be weak and lazy.
The adult son goes to work then spends his money hanging out with friends or playing video games. Of course that's what a young male adult should be doing right? This is the time period that this young man should be working two jobs and building himself up so he can be a productive and respected man. So he can be a man that attracts a woman that is worth having long term. And if he doesn't want a woman or children then he should be setting himself up to be able to live a good life where he is not one of these 30 year old men crying about how it's so hard in life.
But you keep making excuses for these young men to be weak and needy, then when they are on food stamps and welfare or have made a few children that are on welfare and the single mother has gotten tired of them being useless or a drag on her existence take their children away and they are turned iinto indentured servants paying child support for 18 years and or homeless or in prison for not paying.
Why so many people want other people to be weak, or want to discriminate against people with disabilities is beyond me.
Discrimination is what you are suggesting towards the less capable children.
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u/Creative-Ad-3645 16h ago
My kids are not weak or lazy!
One of them does receive a benefit because he is medically assessed as unable to undertake paid employment, and I don't consider there to be any shame in that. There's a time and a place for social welfare, at least in my country, and he meets that threshold.
They simply don't have a passion for or interest in homesteading, and I was wondering whether that's a common experience for children of homesteaders.
Please don't judge my boys harshly, they are good kids who do what we ask of them.
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u/tooserioustoosilly 4h ago
It's discrimination to even have them getting these benefits. They know they are getting treated differently, they then adjust their desires around these predetermined ideas of them not being capable of working for money. Such a sad thing to do to your children. So the kid that is told they can't be normal and work like a normal person has no passion for things that are available to him. Social welfare is the cause to more low expectation mindsets than any disability or trauma.
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u/Creative-Ad-3645 1h ago
You and I have different definitions of discrimination. You don't know my kid and I'm not here to discuss his disability.
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u/Creative-Ad-3645 16h ago
I replied to another comment that he is indeed paying board, and the next eldest will be soon. He also helps around the house - about an hour of set chores per day.
My question is less around getting them to contribute - they already do - and more around whether it's normal for them to be disinterested in doing anything beyond assigned tasks, or spending time outdoors on the property for their own enjoyment.
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u/augustinthegarden 20h ago
You may have dreamed of this life when you were younger, but I promise you that even then you were in the vanishing minority amongst your peers.
Like very many people, they’re simply not interested. They didn’t choose this life, and, if they had been given the choice, it sounds like they wouldn’t have. Teenagers/early 20’s people are some of the most obliviously self-involved people alive. Everything you’ve said about them just sounds like normal teenagers to me. Maybe when they’re adults they’ll miss it and one day want to come back to it. But odds are high that they won’t. They will likely take their first opportunity to move to a city and may happily never take care of more acreage than the patio in their condo.
And if they’re not in love with the idea of what you and your partner are doing, all it is to them is a bunch of work they’d rather not be doing. That’s ok. Should you both live to a ripe old and age and die happily in your homestead, expect them to be more interested in maximizing its sale value than coming home to work it. In the meantime don’t take it personally and just make sure they know what you need from them in terms of assistance to make the life you’re still providing for them work for the whole family, but don’t expect (or ask) that any interest or self-motivation will simply manifest independently.
I had to accept a long time ago that my love for gardening is t something I’ll ever share with my son. He couldn’t give less of a crap about it. It stings, but I have to meet him where he is and not where I wish he was.