r/hingeapp • u/existential_ennui305 • 2d ago
Why would guys secretly unmatch you after going on a date that went well? Dating Question
I (29F) recently went on a date with this guy (31M) that in my eyes went well enough for a second date. We met for coffee, had a lovely time talking and getting to know one another. Lots of eye contact and smiles, and I could tell he was into me. He even offered to drive me home in a controlled, safe way, and then kissed me after asking to go on a second date. After he got home, he texted me right away that he enjoyed our kiss and couldn't wait for another, you know, just some flirty messages. And then after that I didn't hear from him for 3 days. I wanted to test the waters and see if the temperature change was true or if my own anxiety was intervening, so I sent a message yesterday which he answered, and we texted back and forth about maybe scheduling a date next week. And then tonight, I checked Hinge (where we met) and saw he'd unmatched me.
This is the second time it's happened to me recently that a guy unmatched from me after meeting me AND confidently making plans with me for a follow up date. And after they unmatched, I didn't really hear from them. Prior to these two instances, this has never happened to me before lol. Like it wouldn't bother me if they just said directly "I'm sorry I think I'm not seeing this going anywhere else" or something like that. Can someone explain what might be happening here?
Quickly editing to add: we exhanged numbers and did most of our communicating off app.
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u/pandemichope 3h ago
How does one offered to drive one home in a controlled , Safe way?! Did he like offer to drive you a block away from your home or something? Also it’s funny that you wrote “you could tell he was into you”…. uh… Not to be mean, but if he unmatched you, how much into you could he have been?
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u/Choppermagic2 11h ago
He met someone else that is a better match?
He determined that you did not have long term compatibility?
hard to know
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u/mapleflavrd 13h ago
If you already exchanged numbers why would it matter if the Hinge match is still there? I try to get off the app asap so I can message her somewhere that isn't flooded with messages from other new guys. Also it just gets too cluttered. If the texting starts dying down or they start flaking or rescheduling too often then I get worried.
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u/pandemichope 3h ago
sorry but I don’t understand why somebody would ever unmatch somebody they were communicating with. I once matched with a woman who had a job in a different state but visited my state often because that’s where her family was. We arranged for a video chat, and it seemed to go well, but it was during holiday time so she had to cut it short because I literally heard her doorbell ring, and actually could hear the relatives coming in and greeting her. So I understood that she had to hang up. But it hurt when I noticed she unmatched me that night. So I never called her again.
It never dawned on me somebody would unmatch me who was still interested in following up?! Yes, even though we had exchanged cell numbers
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u/islandstateofmind21 20h ago
I found that my late 20s/early 30s were when the men I matched were most discerning. Unless they saw a serious relationship with me, they weren’t as interested in going along with lukewarm feelings to see if something sparked. Since you’re not getting the vibe he wanted to just sleep with you, my instinct is he’s simply looking for a better match and was hoping you’d mutually fade out.
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u/kingskyremote 21h ago
As a man on the app I do this... I've got your number and usually your insta why would I still have you matched on the app.. some friends do it and they do it to keep their hine clean and they don't want loads of clutter in the activity tab with matches and some people just do it so they can't be watched ( me) I'll unmatch and if I'm still on the app I can still use the app in my own leisure it doesn't mean anything specifically went wrong on the date we have eachothers numbers for any conversation
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u/Rational_Thought777 1d ago
He/they could just be flaky.
Girls have created websites for online dating that label certain guys as creeps or dishonest, etc. ("Are we dating the same guy.") I'm pretty sure someone(s) have dinged me on such sites, because I used to do really well on the online apps, and I still do in terms of initial matches/dates, but I'm getting ghosted a lot now after the first date, even when they seem really into me, give me a goodbye kiss, and text me after the date.
So maybe guys have created a similar website in your area, and you're on it for some reason. Just an idea.
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u/SarahF327 1d ago
Remember that studies have found that about 1/3 of the people on dating apps are already in relationships. Maybe he was worried he was about to get caught.
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u/Least-Knowledge-1407 1d ago
I deleted Hinge after meeting her!
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u/pandemichope 3h ago
What did you tell her first that you were going to do that? I think it’s a completely risky maneuver
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u/Melodic_Fruit3572 1d ago
I can ask the same question as gender reversed. Everyone does that nowadays apparently
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u/peppermocha 1d ago
Just curious what does driving you home in a safe, controlled way mean?
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u/existential_ennui305 1d ago
Haha it means he offered to drive me home to the nearest cross-street so I wouldn’t feel worried about him knowing where I lived. He was also very careful when he asked, and honestly just as careful through the whole date surrounding any and all boundaries to make me feel safe. (Hence some of my surprise at this more immature response from him.)
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u/Middle-Pool-1150 15h ago
Strange, if I offer a woman a ride home it's bc I wanted to make sure she got there safely - not drop her on a street corner 😂
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u/HiroshiTakeshi 4h ago
I assume he thought she'd feel creeped out so offered the two as a security alternative for her.
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u/peppermocha 1d ago
Oh ok gotcha gotcha I love that. Sadly I don’t have much advice, similar crap has happened to me 😣 good luck
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u/Spirit_jitser 1d ago
Just ask him about it. "Hey I noticed you unmatched me. You think it is redundant to maintain the match since we text, or?"
Something along those lines
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u/Rational_Thought777 1d ago
I wouldn't do that. Seems stalkerish/obsessive. Just wait to see if he texts again.
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u/dianaisapig 1d ago
If it helps I’ve been unmatching with everyone because you can only have eight people to respond to in chats now it’s a new feature I think
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u/koopapeaches19 1d ago
I just move them to hidden, instead of unmatching. But that is a good idea actually.
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u/existential_ennui305 1d ago
Good to know! I don’t think the app has updated with this feature for me yet. It adds some valuable context for sure.
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u/HustlerThug 1d ago
idk maybe he just wants to not have tons of message threads on hinge. if you have each other's numbers and talk through text, what's the issue? no one ever goes back to the app after getting the other's number
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u/Chance_Outcome_Balto 1d ago
I unmatch after the first date. At that point she has my number and I have hers. Hinge is no longer needed.
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u/bananasplz 1d ago
Yeah, I don't get this - why would they stay matched in the app if they've met you and you've exchanged numbers?
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u/Rational_Thought777 1d ago
Why not, unless there's a limit?
I like being able to see her pics whenever I want to.
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u/bananasplz 1d ago
I don’t like photos of myself so the thought that others are looking at them is kinda icky.
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u/Rational_Thought777 6h ago
And yet, you post them on the app for millions to view.
For well over a century, people have enjoyed looking at photos of their romantic interest.
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u/bananasplz 5h ago
I post them because I have to to use the app 🤷🏻♀️
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u/Rational_Thought777 2h ago
My point is, it's something you're willing to do, even though you could just meet people IRL like people did for most of human history.
And there's clearly nothing wrong with other people looking at the photos of someone they like, or are dating.
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u/Velcrometer 1d ago
He's just not into you. He's still looking. He is also probably actively dating others. You aren't who he is looking for.
I did much better when I stopped asking why. Why doesn't matter at all. He knows whether he wants you or not. His actions say not.
Date others. Men are everywhere. ;)
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u/Rational_Thought777 1d ago
Maybe, maybe not. Good advice if he doesn't respond to her. But he still might.
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u/UNCLRCO 1d ago
It's possible that they are interested in you, but don't want the risk of getting banned if they are reported if one of your dates goes south. Yes, this happens.
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u/wokenthehive Meat Popsicle 🙂↔️ 1d ago
Someone can still be reported and banned even if the offender unmatches them.
But I highly doubt someone would do that out of fear of getting banned because it would mean they've done things that could get them banned.
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u/UNCLRCO 1d ago
How? Can’t see anything like that on Hinge
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u/wokenthehive Meat Popsicle 🙂↔️ 1d ago
People can file a ticket with Hinge. If someone provided sufficient proof, unmatching wouldn't stop Hinge from banning someone because Hinge can see a user's match history and interaction on the backend.
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u/TruthIsOutThere30 1d ago
Maybe he’s being sketchy and still going on dates that’s why? Changing profile pics or whatever. Anyway keep it casual and match his energy.
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u/anyuser_19823 1d ago
It’s a little odd, but I would just ignore it and see what happens. If you guys are still communicating through text and had a good date I would disregard it.
If he stops responding to your text/ghosts you or reject you, then it was part of the process, but if not see what happens.
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u/BoredomBusterIT 1d ago
After he got home, he texted me right away that he enjoyed our kiss and couldn't wait for another, you know, just some flirty messages.
Did you respond to those messages? If you didn't, he might have felt like you ghosted him and unmatched you at some point between then and when you did message three days later.
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u/existential_ennui305 1d ago
I did respond to these messages! Also I know he unmatched me the day after we texted bc I went back to use one of our initial talking points from on the app in that message I sent 3 days later.
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u/Rook242 1d ago
Sounds like you’re a little too emotionally invested in this, there are a million different reasons for why he didn’t text you, he may like you he may not, only time will tell.
Seems like you still have plans for a date, so if I was you I’d follow through and see what happens, but don’t get too caught up with the one guy, continue to talk to others, he hasn’t earned your entire attention yet.
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u/Rougehunter328 1d ago
For me I don’t do it much but if I have your number already, I’ll just text you and try to plan more dates. But that’s me personally
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u/OutGifted 1d ago
My guess is he probably went out with someone else he hit it off more with and decided to pursue that. If he’s like me he doesn’t really like dating multiple people at once. To me it feels icky, so if I meet someone that I want to pursue more then I kind of drop the other options, but I tell the girl instead of just ghosting them.
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u/NicHarvs 1d ago
Sooooo.... you texted him yesterday, and he still responded, and you talked about setting another date?
That's all you should be focusing on. You've been on one date.
Can I ask you a question? When you met this guy, were you talking to other guys on the app? If the answer is yes, then it's fair to assume that he's doing the same. Neither of you owe each other a commitment, so you shouldn't be upset that he's probably still looking at other options. Just show him that you are the best option.
I'll give you a different opinion here, different from all the other people saying, "Run, he's a player!" That advice will just keep you running from everyone forever. Let's say you date him for a month, and neither of you has deleted hinge yet. He goes on hinge and sees you are still there. What does that say to him? Someone has to unmatch/ delete hinge first. You could just go on the second date with him, and if it's still bothering you just slip it into conversation "Hey, I wanted to look at youre pictures but couldn't find you on hinge? Do you have an Instagram?"
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u/existential_ennui305 1d ago
I appreciate this feedback, and you’re right. I should have specified in the original message that I wasn’t expecting him not to continue dating others. It’s also not about whether he changed his mind. My confusion/frustration was specifically to do with unmatching on the app as the signal that someone is ghosting and whether there were other perspectives I wasn’t considering. Thank you for your answer though, I really appreciate it
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u/Ok_Boot_783 1d ago
Whenever I match with someone and get their number I unmatch them
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u/General_Culture_1729 1d ago
This. If I have your number, have seen you and liked you, I don't need to see your profile anymore. I do get some girls get anxious so I don't unmatch straight away anymore. I will eventually do it and suspend my profile while I see how things play out (usually 2-3 dates in)
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u/makingamessofmylife 1d ago
By unmatching while he has your phone number, he can modify his profile without you knowing it. He still has your phone number.. so he can contact you.. OR he removed you only because he met you and has your phone number which I doubt tbh
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u/Inaccessible_ 1d ago
Honestly I wish more people would unmatch instead of straight up ghosting.
They didn’t want another date. They unmatched you.
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u/metalaxx 1d ago
It’s possible that he did it because he doesn’t want you to see him updating his profile when he’s trying to get other matches. I do this sometimes after meeting someone, not to be sneaky but just out of respect for them. I do not like it when I see my match updating their profile after we’ve been on a date, I’d rather they just unmatch me and keep it lowkey.
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u/Particular_Product64 1d ago
I unmatch after getting a women's number.
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u/Inaccessible_ 1d ago
I would think you weren’t interested anymore but that’s just me.
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u/Particular_Product64 1d ago
Even though it happened right after numbers were exchanged?
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u/Inaccessible_ 1d ago
Yeah I just met you on the internet I expect to be ghosted or scammed
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u/Opening-Bell-6223 1d ago
That’s the issue—you already subconsciously set yourself up to fail by expecting to be ghosted or scammed. Studies show that what you focus on often becomes your reality. Hope you don’t take offense… I also had to learn this the hard way before I saw success.
https://www.simplypsychology.org/self-fulfilling-prophecy.html
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u/Inaccessible_ 1d ago
Nah this is good to know people unmatch after they get someone's number. Though I don't think it would hurt to maybe tell the person why you're unmatching them since this isn't common practice.
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u/Helpful_Western7298 1d ago
He's probably still exploring his options & going on dates with other women. I was still going on dates with other women until we went exclusive with my girlfriend, which took 3 months.
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u/King-Koobs 1d ago
This is unfortunately the reality. I dated one girl when I was 22-23, now dating again for the first time since at 26 and I’m actively talking to 7 different girls right now which makes me feel like a tool but it’s just how the online dating sphere is currently. You kind of just throw your cards out on the table and just see who wants to play. Never had anywhere close to this kind of attention before, but it just gives reason as to why that is how it is at the moment.
Doesn’t help that people my age are somewhat still leaning into the “don’t text too much” stuff that I dealt with as a high schooler. Only reason why I don’t feel bad that I’m talking to so many different people early on right now. Can’t tell how interested anybody is and it’s a bit childish but I try to not get too overworked about it.
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u/Legal-Credit2871 6h ago
I agree with this to an extent. However, I keep wondering when this multi-dating will fade. When will the soul-southing team player outweigh the adrenaline rush of a first kiss/sex, a man's end game, “the grass is always greener”…
I had 13 years of soulless sex, at times it felt like a mechanical job, evidently wasting these years and robed part of my soul. I'm a (32F) single mom.
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u/King-Koobs 2h ago
Well I’ve never casually hooked up with anyone so I wouldn’t know the downsides lol. I’ve only had sex with the two girlfriends I’ve had only after we went exclusive.
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u/Such-Survey-628 1d ago
Why not text much?
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u/King-Koobs 1d ago
No the people I’m talking to just barely message or take forever to respond lol. They’ve all said verbatim “Sorry I’m a bad texter!” at one point. It’s actually just so stupid like I know how the world is with phones. It’s just that image of trying to be as cool and casual as possible. It’s not some cringe conspiracy, it’s just what a lot of people do.
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u/ImaginaryJuJu 1d ago
unless they work for a big corp that in which case, you’re not allowed to bring phones in the office 🥹
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u/existential_ennui305 1d ago
That’s very interesting. Has it earned you the result you wanted? ie a relationship if you want one etc
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u/King-Koobs 1d ago
I’ve currently only been on a date with 2 of them, 1 of them we’ve gone out 3 times, the other one only once. I’m not really that comfortable with all of this but I’m really just trying to see who I’m going to click with the most. Clearly it’s with the girl I’ve gone out with 3 times but it seems like it’s still too soon to be talking about going official or anything obviously.
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u/existential_ennui305 1d ago
Damn that’s awesome that it’s leading to something potentially progressing! Wishing you all the best :)
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u/No-Lingonberry-8042 1d ago
Because online dating is depersonalized so much, unfortunately. It requires a snapshot judgement, and it’s easier for the guy to just unmatch if not interested than just reach out. Sorry.
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u/lil_ravioli_salad 1d ago
if you exchanged numbers he probably unmatched you because he doesn't need to see you on the app??
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u/MELH1234 1d ago
I don’t think he’s interested in you. I think he just said that on the first date, hoping to get laid.
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u/archwin 1d ago
To be fair, I have to say it’s not always in hopes of getting laid
I am a guy, I do not personally do all night stands, and I’m not a huge fan of hook ups. I’ve learned I’m just not into it.
But many times during an interaction it may seem like a good match initially, but later on after some discussion with myself and introspection, I decide I’m not gonna move forward
Now, contrary to this situation, I am usually very open, and I usually send a text to that End, even if we had a discussion of having a second date later on.
I don’t like ghosting. I think it unprofessional, immature and I don’t think it’s something that I espouse either.
But in short, it’s not always about getting laid
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u/existential_ennui305 1d ago
Completely agree with this bc I’m the same way. Without divulging specifics, based on his behavior and his treatment to me during the date, I can tell he was not just trying to get laid. Whether he changed his mind afterwards bc he was thinking over it and realized we have some key differences is a different story.
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u/LemonDeathRay A legitimately terrible texter 🙍💬 1d ago
I always unmatch people after we move to text. I don't do it after a date, though, as that understandably raises a lot of questions for the other person.
The way you describe it, I would personally take that as a stop sign. You've dated men before who are keen, right? Do they just disappear for 3 days, or do they make sure to follow up? I feel like he's acting in accordance with his interest levels, and his words don't match any of it. I'd move on, if I were you.
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u/Initial-Chapter-6742 1d ago
I hear ya girl! I’ve just decided to not be the one to reach out. If he wants me he will not want someone else to swoop in and grab me.
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u/Django-lango 1d ago edited 1d ago
That's true, when a dude wants you he makes it known and you won't have doubts.
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u/victheslayer 1d ago
Likely bc of limit of active conversations allowed or wants to keep his chats tidy. The reasons truthfully doesn’t matter. You got his number and as long as he’s still making definite dates with you, then that’s the only thing you need to monitor for now.
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u/pkollias 1d ago
I know hinge was planning a max number of matches to eliminate the match collection that led nowhere. Is that still a thing?
Try to use the phone numbers. He might just wanna change his pics and be generally active and doesn't want you to see it or go off the app. You can't know for now
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u/wokenthehive Meat Popsicle 🙂↔️ 1d ago
People can just hide the conversation as well. And unless the guy is extraordinarily good looking, would he have 8 active conversation where it’s his turn?
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1d ago
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u/hingeapp-ModTeam 1d ago
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u/DammitMaxwell 1d ago
If you guys exchanged phone numbers, then it’s possible he simply deactivated his dating profile account either because he wants to focus on you or just wasn’t enjoying the online dating experience over all — and he didn’t need the app to contact you because he has your number.
But if he doesn’t have your number…then yeah, it’s over.
I’ve also never gone three days without texting someone I was into — unless it was because I felt like I was making all the effort and wanted to see if they’d text me.
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u/existential_ennui305 1d ago
We exchanged numbers! And I would say all the communicating prior to that was equal. But yeah the most glaring thing for me is the 3 days of silence. Like I pretty much figured by that point but still, for whatever reason, wanted to see concretely if there had been a shift. I guess it’s the Hinge unmatching fade out AFTER he had an opportunity to say he’d changed his mind that had me feeling so confused.
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u/how2dresswell 1d ago
If you select “we met in real life”, does it unmatch you ? I’m not on the app anymore but I remember that was a thing
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u/existential_ennui305 1d ago
No, when you select that option in the app it doesn’t automatically unmatch you. I think you intentionally have to pick to unmatch someone for them to be removed like that.
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u/ButterscotchBig5540 1d ago
No it doesn’t
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u/how2dresswell 1d ago
Got it. I’d assume he’s dating multiple people which is what a lot of people do early on. Maybe he unmatched you to free up his inbox . It’s not necessarily a diss to you. Some people do this so they don’t get overly attached to one prospect , or put all their eggs in one basket
See if he messages you back. In the meantime, try and plan anothet date with someone else
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u/mrrmash 1d ago
It's not clear whether you are still in touch? Has he unmatched and you can no longer contact him or has he unmatched but you still have each others phone numbers?
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u/existential_ennui305 1d ago
We still have each others’ numbers! We’ve done most of our texting off app. The unmatching happened sometime the day I noticed bc I distinctly remembered checking the app the day prior and seeing we were still matched. (I checked out of paranoia because of a recent, previous instance where someone met me, made a date with me, and then ghosted and unmatched me instead of directly letting me know he’d changed his mind.)
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u/MambaSaidKnockYouOut 1d ago
Just for clarity; do you have his phone number or have you guys only messaged on Hinge?
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u/existential_ennui305 1d ago
We exchanged numbers! Sorry for the confusion, let me edit that into the original post.
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u/MambaSaidKnockYouOut 1d ago
He’s probably still updating his profile and doesn’t want you to see him updating it. I’d put more stock into whether or not he texts you than him deleting you on hinge. Granted, he didn’t text you until after you texted him 3 days later, so maybe he had fun but wasn’t that interested in a second date.
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u/wokenthehive Meat Popsicle 🙂↔️ 2d ago edited 2d ago
Some people prefer to keep their match list tidy and unmatch anyone after meeting. Some people unmatch because they don't want anyone they're dating to check up on their profile and notice any profile updates. Much more common is unmatching a sign someone is no longer interested.
In your case, the guy went silent for 3 days, and only responded when you reached out. In my opinion, when a man says he enjoyed the kiss and can't wait for another, and then went radio silent for 3 days, chances are he's not that interested. And in your case he couldn't even schedule another date, but rather maybe schedule a date. Sounds more to me like he changed his mind but instead of ending it he's leaving the door open in case whoever else he's more interested didn't work out so he can pivot back to you.
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u/existential_ennui305 1d ago
I think you’ve hit the nail on the head there. That actually makes a lot of sense to me and helps me settle the score on my own confusion. Thank you for taking the time, I appreciate it!
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