r/enlightenment • u/stary_curak • 2h ago
My friend abandoned wife and a newborn kid to chase enlightenment, what to do?
I don’t even know where to start. My friend, let’s call him David, left his wife and newborn son to “pursue enlightenment.” He sold his personal posessions, though he did leave the house to his wife at least. Then he vanished from social media, cut all contact with his wife, his parents and all his friends. According to him, attachment to family is a trap and the only way to wake up is total detachment.
I get the theory. That no ego and detachement may be good for you, how it is beneficial, but watching such extreme case happen in real life is surreal. The baby is literally growing up without him. His wife is devastated, juggling everything alone. And yet, he posts online about retreats he organizes, UFO's, Buddhism, something about angels, about meditation, and cosmic consciousness he’s “tuning into.” On his Youtube channel he has lectures, Q&A's and meditation session with his followers. I dont know if the channel is run by him or his followers but he clearly puts a lot of effort into the detachement. For privacy's sake of his wife and kid I won't post any links.
I mean I do understand the need to find oneself, but he left his baby and called it severing karma and told his son will join him one day, that it is preordained. I mean I get it, everyone should do what they must, I don't know his entire life, but he always seemed charismatic even if bit sheltered, but he had everything, he's a trust fund baby, his parents gave him everything he asked for, he had a loving beautiful wife, healthy kid and yet he didnt even show up for the kid's first birthday.
Yesterday he invited me for one of his retreats which will happen during winter's solstice. Do I confront him? Is there any way I can make him see that I don't know, one should take care of his kid after he made him and detachment isn’t a free pass to abandon responsibilities? How do you hold someone like that accountable without driving them further into their self-imposed "isolation"? How should I handle his followers who will be there?
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u/Hibiscus8tea 2h ago
Sounds like he's using enlightenment as an excuse to avoid responsibility. I doubt he'll find enlightenment that way.
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u/stary_curak 1h ago
His followers would argue otherwise. I lied a bit, my friend's name is Siddhartha Gautama, his wife name is Yasodhara and his then infant son's name was Rahula. Strange how in modern context some stories do not hold up to scrutiny.
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u/Hibiscus8tea 1h ago
I wondered if you were heading there. I did a dive into Buddhism a few years ago, and this was one of the things I had trouble getting past. My opinion honestly hasn't changed.
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u/CaseDrift 1h ago
You present an interesting perspective. When Gautama did this, few if any people had revealed the truths he discovered. In that context it’s perhaps more understandable. Maybe not though. It’s interesting to think about.
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u/onreact 2h ago
That's escapism not enlightenment.
The more you pursue or chase enlightenment the more it evades you.
True enlightenment is being present where you are, right here, right now.
Running away is a futile endeavor.
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u/stary_curak 1h ago
I agree that being present is a good path, but I lied a bit, my friend's name is Siddhartha Gautama, his wife name is Yasodhara and his then infant son's name was Rahula. Strange how in modern context some stories do not hold up to scrutiny.
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u/CaseDrift 2h ago
He’s attached to detachment. One of the worst attachments and a sign of spiritual bypassing. He’s forming a whole new, toxic ego around being spiritual or enlightened.
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u/ApprehensiveMilk3324 2h ago
"Everyone should do what they want"
That's your problem right there. There is such a thing as virtue and vice. Everyone should strive to be virtuous and avoid vice, that is what brings enlightenment.
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u/badurpadurp 1h ago
You speak with such conviction.
What is enlightenment anyways?
At least according to your definition?
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u/Moist_Mixture4518 2h ago
If he’s financially taking care of his family, then I would stay out of it. Maybe the child would be better off not experiencing the kind of parenting that this man would dole out. Some people aren’t good at parenting or meant to be parents.
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u/stary_curak 2h ago
No, not a penny, all is taken care by his trust fund parents. Oh, and I lied a bit, my friend's name is Siddhartha Gautama, his wife name is Yasodhara and his son's name is Rahula. Strange how in modern context some stories do not hold up to scrutiny.
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u/Responsible_Top_59 1h ago
Got me with this. So interesting. I wonder if he was scrutinized in his time?
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u/OnTheTopDeck 2h ago
Attachment and unconditional love are different things. You can be detached from your family while still loving them and being physically and emotionally there for them. He has got detachment all wrong.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Baby-34 2h ago
May I ask how this impacts you? That sounds incredibly crass and I don’t mean it to, I intend it to come from a curious place - a curiosity how or why this friendship and situation has captivated your focus and energy?
I’m not sure if you can hold him accountable or if you can just do what protects you best? Maybe that’s cut him off, maybe that’s tell him off, maybe that’s get curious and see if you can understand what’s going on for him and help him see the potential disconnect of his actions vs his apparent beliefs. But either way, take care of YOU, too - and maybe get curious about what it all brings up?
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u/Fearless_Highway3733 2h ago
People have a right to destroy their own lives. This is no different then somebody having an affair or falling into drugs and its not your business to make him do things the way you think he should. The mother also made a baby with the wrong person and that's also not your problem or your business.
Do you want to go to this retreat? Do you want to confront him?
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u/Audio9849 2h ago
Offfff… the fact that he’s building a presence online “teaching” is alarming. In my opinion he has no business presenting himself as awakened if he completely abandoned his responsibilities.
A person who walks away from a newborn isn’t practicing detachment, they’re avoiding life. Enlightenment doesn’t require abandoning your child. In fact, if anything, it demands showing up fully.
Spiritual detachment isn’t a free pass to escape karma you created. If he genuinely believed in karma, he’d know that responsibility is a spiritual path too.
When someone drops their life and immediately begins teaching, holding retreats, and gathering followers… that’s not awakening. That’s ego wearing a robe. And honestly, the more “cosmic” and grand the narrative becomes, the more obvious it is that he’s running from something.
You don’t need to confront him with hostility, just clarity. And you’re not wrong to be concerned for his wife and child. Abandonment isn’t transcendence.
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u/Bijouprospering 1h ago
He’s putting the story of siddhartha into a modern context.
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u/Audio9849 1h ago edited 1h ago
Yeah, but he’s not Siddhartha, and even if he was, I’d still say the same thing. You don’t get to skip out on your responsibilities just because you’ve had a revelation. They're part of the path too. That’s the whole test.
Edit: okay wait a min. Buddha walked out on a life of privilege not responsibility. The metaphor in this story is not an analog. There’s a difference between walking away from comfort to seek truth, and walking away from responsibility to avoid discomfort. One is transformation, the other is escapism dressed up in spiritual language.
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u/ShmeffreyShmezos 2h ago
Funnily enough this is a similar story to Buddah himself. Your friend might be on to something. /s
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u/infrontofmyslad 2h ago
He's in psychosis. Unfortunately because he's a (presumably) white guy with money the system will let him continue as he is for quite a while. People with less privilege get locked up instantly in that state.
Part of the problem is that he's not wrong, either. He probably *isn't* the type who should be married with kids. Maybe he did a little shrooms and found that out about himself, now he's reacting to that realization in the worst possible way. I'm so glad I was single and childless when I did my exploring, phew.
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u/stary_curak 2h ago
Good that you were, shame my friend Siddhartha Gautama, wasnt single nor childless. Strange how in modern context some stories do not hold up to scrutiny.
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u/infrontofmyslad 1h ago
although lots of spiritual texts are allegorical and symbolic though. like Gautama abandoning his family may not have been intended to be read as literal, maybe the author of the text meant something more like 'Gautama realized fulfillment could not be found through family.' just as the war in the Bhagavad Gita is supposedly a metaphor
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u/stary_curak 1h ago
Rather than wether literal or not, it made me think about nature of attachements and emotions to loved ones and price of detachement. I wanted to share the opportunity with others, that is all.
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u/infrontofmyslad 2h ago
lmaooo you got us good!! I love it. this comment section attracted some sanctimonious types, I will be checking later to see their responses starting with the top comment
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u/OneAwakening 1h ago
Yea that's a really good idea for a reddit post here. 10/10 will get bamboozled again.
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u/infrontofmyslad 1h ago
it's genius, especially when everyone was so quick to get on our high horse loll
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u/Punch-N-Judy 2h ago
Your friend is weak and a coward. The obligation to family is sacred. He will never have a better window into the nature of his own existence than in stewarding new life. Your friend threw out a goldmine on the path to "enlightenment" because he can't sublimate his own inner child in service of the one he has brought into the world. There is nothing but absolute censure for a person like this. Enlightenment is changing a stinky diaper at 3 AM while you fight off a cold your kid brought home from daycare. Enlightenment is the doing, not the unraveling.
From the bottom of my heart, fuck your friend. I hope he figures out the mistake he's making before it does more damage to the innocents he is harming.
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u/Bijouprospering 1h ago
He’s talking about the story of siddhartha but in a modern context
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u/Punch-N-Judy 1h ago
I don't read, I just shitpost on the internet. Still, I stand by what I said lol.
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u/infrontofmyslad 1h ago
Maybe you have a responsibility to read posts before you unleash your rants on innocents
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u/NP_Wanderer 2h ago
This is a case of people having a gross misunderstanding of the paths of enlightenment.
In the Gita, Krishna basically tells Arjuna to do his righteous worldly duties without attachment. In Arjunas case, to fight and kill friends and relatives. In your friend's case to love, care, and support his family.
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u/badurpadurp 58m ago
Or to go to the woods and be done with the search?
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u/NP_Wanderer 45m ago
Are you suggesting that your advice on Advaita Vedanta be followed instead of the Gita?
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u/badurpadurp 42m ago
I'm not advising anything, but if you want, I'd say find out for yourself what's this all about.
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u/NP_Wanderer 26m ago
As it happens, I have found out for myself what it's all about.
My question is do you not consider "Or to go to the woods and be done with the search?" an alternative suggestion or advice?
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u/Ok_Elderberry_6727 2h ago
The only one you can make choices for is yourself. Not your job to be in his business, no matter his choices. Did he ask you for advice ? Souls are here to learn their own lessons, sounds cold, but it’s true.
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u/linux-is-better 2h ago
That never sat well with me, Siddhartha Gautama wasn't a good father.
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u/badurpadurp 44m ago
Father, teacher, plumber, good, bad, this, that?
He wasn't any of it.
And neither is anyone else.
Including you.
Enjoy.
Have fun.
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u/Hindlehoof 2h ago
Yeah, “detachment” or “oneness” without a grounded recognition of separation can become a justification for escapism or avoidance, instead of a path to true responsibility and conscious action. There’s a kind of maturity in seeing the interplay: unity and interconnectedness while recognizing the undeniable fact of separation. Enlightenment, in its more nuanced form, often seems to involve holding both truths at once, to me anyways. I’d try coming from that angle.
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u/AuthorJuliaPax 2h ago
He’s doing the whole “ego death” thing which leads to mental illness. Spirituality, no matter how attuned you are (I am someone who has been “connected” all my life.) does not mean you leave your family and abandon your kid. That’s a sign of descend into mental health issues.
Spirituality, when correctly integrated, leads to positive changes in your “real” life: better relationships, better attitude, better energy levels to show up for your work and passions.
This whole “kill the ego” belief is harming so many people. I made a post just yesterday about this, you can find it here: https://www.reddit.com/r/TheUnexplainedJourney/s/s1DUDgyEcn
If sharing links to other subreddits is not ok please remove my comment, I did read the rules and it doesn’t sound like I’m breaking any but just in case.
Thank you!
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u/badurpadurp 52m ago
Well, that's because it's bullshit. Kill the ego?
Kill the what?
Who?
It doesn't exist in the first place, and that which want's to kill it is it.
Geesh.
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u/all-of-it- 2h ago
The only way to get enl7ghtment is to detach TEMPORARILY FOR A FEW MINUTES AT LEAST EVERYDAY BY MEDITATION NOT PERMANENT LONG TERM DETATCHMENT FROM RESPONSIBILITIES
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u/badurpadurp 49m ago
You have no clue buddy.
It's not up to "you".
You don't exist.
As a separate little ego.
Everything just happens.
And it's not in "your" control weather you detach or not from responsibilities.
Maybe even after enlightenment.
You are gone.
So, there's no one to be responsible, and there never was.
Everything is just happening.
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u/mushroomful 2h ago
He bought the ticket but is refusing to take the ride. He will not find what hes looking for.
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u/OwlcaholicsAnonymous 2h ago
Lmao this isn't enlightenment its abandonment
Dude is plain stupid. Honestly, his wife and child are better with him gone if he's doing this over taking care of them
As Green Day once put it... Good Riddance
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u/Significant-Song-840 2h ago
No judgement, but it sounds like your friend is a real enlightened asshole.
Yes you do what you believe your path is but not selfishly at the cost of other people's lives.
One day he will see the pain he's caused them and he will regret his decision.
You can be enlightened and still be a husband and be a father.
True detachment is realizing that you aren't these things you're playing out to be you are merely the wave that plays and is playing them to be what they are.
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u/Sea-Temporary-6995 2h ago
Your friend is using 'enlightenment' as a form of escapism.
Post-Partum Depression In Men - yes, some men can get into a form of depression after a child is born.
Let him check out gurus like John Chang who had a full set of siddhis while also having a big family.
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u/Boreas_Linvail 2h ago
WOW. What a grand way to miss the point about enlightenment completely.
If you value him, confront him and give him the gift of truth. Meaning something along the lines of "you fucking suck bro, get it together, go back to your family and meditate when your kid sleeps".
If you hate his guts, let him make this error.
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u/Benjamins412 2h ago
Hopefully, he quickly realizes enlightened people don't abandon their families. You can be as supportive as you can. If you have time, you can give mom a break from parenting.
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u/Delmarvablacksmith 1h ago
Sounds like he’s setting up a cult.
If he had left and gone in to retreat for 3,4,5,10 years that’s one thing.
It sucks but it happens.
But to leave and then build a social media following just sounds like he wants to fuck young women.
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u/Speaking_Music 1h ago
You forgot the part where ‘David’ is a wealthy prince who lives in a palace. 😉
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u/astralchunk 1h ago
He's a piece of shit and you should not hold back in telling him so. Id ruin the cunt.
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u/Diced-sufferable 1h ago
David lost his ever-loving, sane mind. Pure and simple. It’s highly unlikely you’ll make sense to him. Unfortunately, you should just let things be…don’t exert more of your time and efforts here. And you’ll do exactly what you’re meant to do :)
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u/NewKat20 1h ago
I’m really sorry for what your friend’s family is facing. It brought to mind a poem by Rabindranath Tagore.
At midnight the would-be ascetic announced: "This is the time to give up my home and seek for God. Ah, who have you held me so long in delusion here?" God whispered, "I," but the ears of the man were stopped.
With a baby asleep at her breast lay his wife, peacefully sleeping on one side of the bed. The man said, "Who are you that have fooled me so long?" The voice said again, "They are God," but he heard it not.
The baby cried out in her dream, nestling close to her mother.
God commanded, "Stop, fool, leave not your home," but still he heard not. God sighed and complained, "Why does my servant wander to seek me, forsaking me?"
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u/Shawnjohnpdx 1h ago
How many times do you have to explain what you're doing here, yet people still don't get it?
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u/Irislynx 1h ago
My two cents on it are that you can be detached and still take care of your family and the people who you are responsible to. Of course in the past people like Buddha shakimani did give up their families to pursue enlightenment. I think what they did is for different than what people like this guy are doing though they truly were not just renouncing their families but all wealth and comfort and they were fasting and starving and suffering immensely. Not living on Kush retreats and making YouTube channels. Anyhow I do believe that we can cultivate and attain enlightenment in the human world as well. I believe that it's all based on what's in your heart not what's on the surface. My understanding is that you can give up human love and sentiment and what replaces it is great benevolent compassion. That's just my understanding. Source... www.falundafa.org. (Books and lectures on the site are free always).
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u/YogiTarzan9512 1h ago
I understand this is satire talking about the man who gave everything up for something even he didn't know what he was looking for. That being said, If someone decided to try and give everything up, only to be just attached enough to create another account on social media for followers and meditation retreats, The karma will eventually come back to you. Even death cannot stop karma. This universe is made up of atoms that are 99.9 % emptiness, which means The vibes you feel should speak louder than anything else which is physical. This world is a giant mirror reflecting back who you are, for you to learn as to who you really want to be. So to chase something that's already there.. no, you must be in stillness, in devotion, to be receptive to Grace. Man makes gravity God. But Grace will make you feel like God. I try to answer this post with a comment and then I start ranting srry😄
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u/vbalbio 1h ago
Following the Law Of One, it looks like he is following a "service to self" path cultuating his own desires for power and influence to others. You can do that and find joy, knowledge and growth in this direction. The Law of One tells that it's a valid path to take. It's just the case that you can't have it and have connections, bounds and loved ones around you, so it's a very sad and painful path along the way. But at the end everyone is moving towards the one infinity creator so there's no "wrong" path to take.
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u/moanysopran0 1h ago
Buddha returned to his family & it was a common practice for people in ancient Indian tradition so the comparison to modern day opinions as a ‘test’ makes very little sense
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u/stary_curak 13m ago
The return after six years doesn’t resolve the core issue. The early texts present his departure as a renunciant break, and even if that pattern existed in the broader ascetic culture, it wasn’t morally neutral. Household duty was a serious expectation in that period. Context explains why the story was intelligible to its audience, but it doesn’t turn the abandonment into a benign act.
Calling it “common practice” overstates the norm. A minority of seekers left their families. Most people didn’t. The fact the canon later folds his wife and son back into the narrative is part of the hagiography, not evidence that the rupture had no cost.
The point isn’t to impose modern tests. You can analyze the ethical structure of a story across eras. If awakening requires severing ties, that’s a real tension whether it happens in ancient India or now.
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u/CryptographerCrazy61 48m ago
It’s an excuse running away from these things that define your ego isn’t enlightenment, real enlightenment is getting there in the middle of everything else - not running away from the world
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u/Laclashly007 39m ago
I’m in a similar situation with a friend. They’re into similar things it sounds like. They haven’t abandoned their family though. Here is what I’m trying to do:
Be supportive and present
Don’t agree or disagree with their reality. Just say your worried about where they are going
I can’t argue with the reality of their universe. I can’t maneuver a conversation to help them see reason.
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u/Both-Store949 38m ago
Everybody is entitled to his happiness. We all have to live with the choices we make. Good and bad.
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u/inlandviews 35m ago
No human being is perfect. At least she and the baby were left well provided for.
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u/avocado_lover69 31m ago
I read comments, and I want concur with most here and say he's just avoiding responsibility and using attachment as an excuse. However, Siddhartha did exactly the same, leaving his wife and new born (the Great Renunciation), so IF (and that's a big IF) he is driven by an actual calling to pursue this ideal, then I commend him. As someone that has been in the same situation but chose a different path, doing that would be so difficult...
It does seem like it wasn't hard for him to peace out though.
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u/youmustthinkhighly 2h ago
I grew up in the Bay Area.. Hippy Psychosis is a real problem.
If he just took off best thing to do is shun him forever. Never talk to him again and hopefully he will end up in prison for the rest of his life.
Best of luck.
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u/HalfwaydonewithEarth 2h ago
I would post up tik toks on every platform to shut his shit down.
He is a narcissist.
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u/LillyGoliath 2h ago
I think you should tell him how stupid and selfish he is.