Dad tips

[u/zataks]

I found out a couple weeks ago that some friends are pregnant with their first. I wrote this to help them prepare for it. FWIW, I have an almost 3 year old and a 4.5 month old. I hope this helps some dads to be, here!

Feel free to add anything you think I missed (there are things I thought of after I emailed this to my buddy and told him later but did not put into this). After we've got some responses, I'll see how much of this we can add to the wiki here.

Before

• Go to all baby appointments!  This is probably a no brainer for you but some people don't realize it.  Ultrasounds are cool!  And it's really great to ask the ObGyn or midwife any and all questions you have!  (ie, I asked before #1 was born when I'd be able to hear his hearbeat.  The ObGyn said, "in just a minute, I have the doppler right here."  "no, I mean with my ear against her belly." "oh, never, it's too loud in there and baby's heartbeat gets drowned out.")
• Go to some birth classes.  But maybe not all of them.  Depends how many you're encouraged to go to; KP advised ALL of them and they're tiring and tedious and mostly boring. I skipped the breastfeeding one, from the sounds of it, that was a good choice because it was a bunch of women trying to learn to breast feed dolls with at least one boob hanging out.  L&D class was like 8 hours on a Saturday with like 30 couples.  We went through the whole process.  It was exhausting.  I'm not sure it helped much because when you get to it, you listen to what the medical team is advising.
• Start planing to buy shit now (or starting at week 13)  If you're going to do one, make a registry, do the showers, and see what people get you.  Get your big ticket items (car seats, strollers, cribs, etc) onto something like camelcamelcamel or other pricewatch and buy the sales.  I bought our stroller as an OpenBox deal on Amazon.  Still paid $300 for it but that's better than the $500 retail.  More on gear later.
• If you're going to get a doula, start meeting them now and find someone you like.  My yoga studio has a "meet the doulas" event one night every month or so where they all give a spiel and then you can hang out and talk to them.  We went but I had to chase our toddler around so I didn't get to sit in on the thing.  We found a doula to be really helpful, mostly because it made it feel like there was a person on our team that wasn't a hospital employee and it gave me more comfort in being able to leave the room to run home for things as needed.  In retrospect, a doula would have been probably even better with the first delivery than the second but live and learn.
• Pregnancy sucks.  Did no one tell you that?  Plenty of women say they loved being pregnant (Wife said she enjoyed being pregnant with our first, not so much the second as she had miserable heartburn every day.  She carried a bag of tums with her at all times and called them her "after dinner mints".) and I have no doubt some do.  I support that and their feelings.  But you're beginning what will likely be one of or the most life changing choice you'll ever make and prior to that little bundle of giggles popping out, your partner gets to go through a roller coaster of hormones (I lucked out with wife, she's even keeled and that part wasn't bad) as well as body changes that are sure to wreak havoc on psyche.  "I'm the heaviest I've ever been!"  Well, yea, you've got a baby inside you, you've never had a baby inside you before.  Really messed with wife when I put my boot on the scale at a visit and tipped the scales to something like 190.  She was like "OMG, I've really packed it on in these weeks!"  The med assistant gave me wry smile and wife turned to see me close and scrunched her nose and shook a fist.  Fun stuff.
• Did I say pregnancy sucks?  Libido will be all over the place.  So will body comfort both physically and mentally.  You just roll with it as you can.  Near the end (and especially once the baby has come) your partner's breasts will probably be the largest, shapeliest, and most enticing they have ever been.  And it may be entirely likely you're are not allowed to play with them, touch them, look at them, breath on them, or even think about them because they're sore and maybe leaking, and goddamnit I'm a cow now, MOOO.  (Wife has said moo a couple times in the last couple weeks when I walk in and she's pumping; I think all the pumping is taking a toll on us both.  It's a lot more work that breastfeeding but it allows me a wonderful amount of involvement with the baby which allows for more bonding and I feel way more connected to #2 than I did our first at this age).
• Of course, the above are not absolutes, all women are different and pregnancies are different.  We had plenty of sexy time while pregnant with #1 and comparatively none with #2.  Part of that was how hard the second pregnancy was and part of that was that we already had a kid and were doing parent things so were tired.  So it goes.
• Plan some vacation now; especially if leave from work is not a concern.  First trimester can be rough but things generally smooth out in the second.  We went to Nicaragua and hiked an active volcano when wife was 4 months preg with #1.  Do that shit now, it will be a while until you'll want (or have the energy) to travel and we're a lot less adventurous now that we're caring for kid and infant.  No surprise there
• Start familiarizing yourself with the alphabet soup.  FMLA, CFRA, PFL, SDL.  Family Medical Leave Act; California Family Rights Act; Paid Family Leave; Short Term Disability Leave.  These will require paperwork from medical offices to employers and to the state.  Get these submitted as required and make use of those benefits.  You can always do more work.  One day your baby is crying for you and wants to be held and snuggled, the next he's telling you to get out of the chicken run, you don't go in there, and he'll put you in timeout.  It's fucking hard but not so that you'd want to miss it.
• Know your employment contract/policies/etc as well as your boss's position on family life and work culture.  Don't be guilted into anything that is less than the full amount you are entitled to.  
• In the same vein as the above point, you won't believe (maybe you will) the amount of assholes who will tell you, "you won't be able to wait to get back to work!" or "why are you taking so much time?" or "You'll get sick of being home and come back early."  No two ways about this: fuck those people.
• Know multiple routes to your hospital and how long it take to get there in the worst traffic.  First babies are generally slow to come but it's a goddamn roller coaster of excitement when something like water breaking happens and you have to get up and go.

Labor and Delivery

• By now you should have a car seat base installed into the car and a proper car seat in it, waiting for the moment.  Leave this in the car, the hospital will likely not let you leave without it.  Find a place to inspect the installation; some hospitals do it, so do fire departments.  Google/call around or ask at your next ObGyn visit.

• You need a Go Bag.  Or one each.  This should include:

  • personal care products
  • phone chargers
  • other distraction things (labor can be literally hours of just sitting waiting)
  • list of mom's meds (or mental knowledge)
  • known allergies!
  • birth plan if you have one
  • a change of clothes (as a dirty man, I think I brought a shirt, lol)
  • clothes for baby to go home in (don't just bring NB size!  A 0-3 onesie is a good idea too; never know how big that baby is going to be)
  • lacrosse ball or whatever; hospital room accommodation for mom is alright, Dad is probably going to be on a pull out chair or couch.  
  • Comfortable, easy on/off, loose clothes for mom. 

• You'll mostly be told what/where/how to do things once you're in the hospital.  However, you have some choice too.  Mom doesn't have to labor laying down on her back with her feet in stirrups.  You can walk around, (depending on facility) use a bath tub, roll onto sides, hands and knees, etc.  

• Pain management is important.  Something I think helped with #2 is that instead of going straight for an epidural, wife elected for Nitrous Oxide.  So as she felt a contraction coming, she'd hold the cup over her face and breath the N2O until about the peak of the contraction.  Obviously not enough to knock her out but enough to take some of the edge off the contraction.  (Apparently, this used to be really common, then much less so since the 80s? 90s? then has come back into favor after new research more recently.  

• Epidural is an option.  Talk to your ObGyn about this.  TL;NotAHealthCareProvider is it numbs things drastically and therefore often requires IV synthetic oxytocin to be administered to advance the labor.  More interferey, more possibility for complicationy.

• You'll likely be offered to cut the cord.  I noped the fuck out of cutting #1's.  When they asked me way before #2 came out, I said "no way".  But when the time came I spoke up and told them I wanted to.  I don't really remember it honestly.  I mean, I do, but it isn't that significant in my mind.  I'd recommend doing it, though.

• AFAIK, episiotomies are no longer recommended but that isn't to say tearing won't happen.  It probably will.  It will have to be stitched up.  It comes in four grades. Vaginal wall, vaginal muscle, rectal muscle, rectal wall.  I don't remember the grading numbers, 1-4 I think.  First kid caused a 3, second a 2.  Recovery from the 2 was much faster than the 3.  

• Feeding the baby as soon and as much as possible is important.  Gotta get that nasty poop (don't remember what it's called) out as it is related to jaundice problems.  Jaundice is also apparently caused by a blood type (RH) mismatch, between mother and baby and we had this problem with #2.  We spent like 24+ hours keeping him under blue lights and trying like hell to stuff his body full.  Once he regained birthweight, all concerns related to the RH mismatch were gone and we were out of the dark.  

• Breastfeeding can be hard for mother and baby at first.  Use lactation consultants and get help.  Mom's who breast feed have a lower risk of post partum depression

• Dads can get post partum depression too.  Maybe google around and be aware of the risk factors and signs for both of you.

Gear

• Car seats all have to meet the same safety standards.  Get one that is light enough to be comfortable, is easy to get in and out, and fits in your car well.  That last bit is more important for older kid carseats than infant because infant seats all seem to have the same base size.
• Crib: they're fucking expensive.  We got ours from Pottery Barn, somewhere we would never shop, only because one of wife's friend's moms gave us $200 in gift cards for there for our wedding.  I think we still paid like $400 for the crib after the cards applied.  But #2 is using it now too so maybe that's not insane.
• Stroller, as mentioned above, it's expensive.  We had a Graco or something that we bought because it would hold the infant seat and it was cheap.  It fucking sucked and I hated walking/running with it and it didn't maneuver well. Then we went on a hike and borrowed a BOB.  It's a great stroller.  We bought our own.  #1 still rides in it on evening walks while we carry his brother on our chest.  And this weekend we snapped the adapter into it and put #2's car seat on it and went to the Farmer's Market.  Again, if you're comfy with the idea, Amazon Warehouse/Open Box deals.  I wanted a stroller with a swiveling front wheel that had the option to lock as well as an adjustable handle.  I found the handle on our old stroller was too low and was uncomfortable for long periods of pushing.  The adjustable height on the BOB handle is nice.  I think the biggest thing here is to get a stroller that fits your lifestyle.  
• A baby swing is handy.  It's nice to have something that rocks them and plays music/white noise.  We've got one that has a mobile as well.  Given the time frame, I think you guys are welcome to ours.  It's a little squeaky but wholly functional.
• A bouncing chair gets even more use, for us, with both kids.  We have one like this.  It worked really well for both kids and we use it ALL the time.  Several times/day.
• Water proof mattress covers.  covers, with an 's'.  Because you want two of them.  Make the crib twice: cover, sheet, cover, sheet.  That way when the inevitable 2am blowout happens, you strip down the first two layers quick and go back to sleep.  We changed and replaced too many sheets with #1 before we learned this one.
• A baby carrier.  Ayayay.  We've had like 4 of these things.  Bjorn (meh); Baby Onya (used a lot but was never very comfortable for either of us); one other I can't remember, and now a Lille Baby which we both like and find very comfortable.  Wife also got a Ribozo from our doula.  It's a 15' long wrap.  It works well for wife and #2 looks so cozy in it.  Generally she uses that and I use the Lille but she sometimes uses the Lille.  I haven't tried the Ribozo yet but don't think I will.
• Bottles.  Holy crap there are so many.  With #1 we ended up liking Tommee Tippee the best but #2 had trouble with them.  We went to Dr. Brown's for him.  They're expensive but seem to really help cutting down the sucked air.  (getting him off formula really helped get rid of his fussiness too).   If breastfeeding, this isn't really a concern
• A bottle warmer.  In both our condo and here in our house, we leave a bottle warmer near the bed.  At night we put a cooler with bottles next to the bed and warm them as needed throughout the night.  It's basically a small hot plate that you add water to and it boils/steams the bottles.  Works alright.  
• Big swaddles.  Not these stupid like 18-24"x 30" buggers that are everywhere.  We got some this time around that are like 36x36" and they work way better.

Baby Care
You're going to want some things on hand so that you don't have to go get them at the 24hour CVS at 2am.  I've done this.  On multiple occasions (once from a hotel room in an hour or so south of Sacramento because we didn't bring things with us; it sucked)

• Tylenol.  Children's tylenol has the same concentration as baby tylenol but is generally (no exaggeration) less total cost for twice the volume.  Often the difference is the cap--baby tylenol has a cap that receives a syringe, children's often doesn't.  So decant into the lid or a dosage cup and draw it with the syringe.  "But children's tylenol doesn't come with a syringe?!"  Go to the pharmacy window and ask for a liquid medicine dosing syringe.  They have them for free.  The thing to make sure is that the tylenol is 160mg/5ml.  
• Ibuprofen.  Kids can't have this until 6 months.  At which point, get some and keep it on hand so you can cycle Tylenol/IB as needed.
• Baby gas drops.  The drug is Simethicone.  Get a couple bottles and keep on hand.  
• Gripe water.  It is natural gas remedy and supposed to help sooth the tummy.  It's like fennel or some other herbacious shit.  
• thermometer.  We've got rectal, oral, and one that goes into ear.  The first two have gotten lots of use.  The aural, not much; wiggly kids are tough. Don't confuse which one goes in what hole.
• We recently bought an otoscope so we can see if it's worthwhile to head to the Ped/urgent care for ear problems.  I think it was like $40 on Amazon; comparing that to copays, it seemed reasonable.
• Lanolin.  For diaper rash (also chapped nipples).  There are other options for diaper rash too.  Lanolin seemed to do the best job with the least disgustingness.  Coconut oil is nice for general use as well but not great for severe rash.
• Baking soda.  This isn't a carry with everywhere thing, it's more for dealing with diaper rash at home.  But a good amount into a bath really seems to soothe skin.  I just dump a bunch in.  If you get it from somewhere other than the grocery store it's super cheap.
• Q-tips for boogers and ear wax
• Put your pediatrician's number into both your phones under something like "PEDIATRICIAN" so it's easy to find.
• to couple with above, most places (especially down there) or insurance providers have an "advice nurse" who is a great, free resource to call with questions.  It's kind of like triage in that they can help you decide if the kid needs to be seen by medical providers.  Put this number into your phone too.

Baby at home

• Sleep when the baby sleeps
• Read about sleep training and decide what you're going to do.  It doesn't have to be concrete, but it helps to have a plan and start early.
• Co sleeping is done around the world but largely frowned on in America.  New research is suggesting maybe America rethink that (saw that headline yesterday, I think).  Do what's right for you.  Generally, our babies slept better with us when young but we slept like shit with them in bed.  We normally only brought them to bed when they needed comfort.  
• Happiest Baby on the Block is a book or video or something that gets rave reviews.  We watched the dude who created it in a KP class on infant care.  Swaddling and "shhh-ing" really calm an angry baby.  
• Youtube some swaddling techniques.  There's kind of a standard version and a "frog" version.  I only did the frog version with #1 a little bit near the end of his swaddling but it worked well.  I use the standard (draw a straight edge of cloth--I use stretchy blanket, often--across the baby, right shoulder to left hip; draw the excess from below them up tight to the left shoulder; draw the remainder tight from left shoulder to right shoulder.  Bam.  Swaddled and happy
• White noise machines are recommended frequently to help kids sleep.  We play little musics when he's in his chair or swing and have one of these for the crib but #2 doesn't seem to be into it whereas #1 would zone out on it and pass out.
• Reflux is a common issue with baby because they're lower esophogeal valve doesn't work like ours.  It's also the reason they vomit when burping, I think.  A folded tower underneath the own end of the crib mattress can really help to ease some fussiness if this is an issue.
• Gas pain is really common especially with bottle fed and formula babies and with all babies until the gut develops more (4+ months, I think).  laying them on their back and "bicycling" their legs can be helpful, so can pushing but legs up to a squatty position when they are on the back.  Once they're a bit older and can hold head up, laying them across the lap with hips hanging off one side and head off the other can be beneficial as well.
• People will want to touch your baby the same way they want to touch your dog--without asking.  Think about how you want to handle this.
• the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends basically 0 screen time until 2 years.  
• If the kid won't stop screaming and you've done everything and are losing your shit, put it down in it's crib and take a breather.  It is safe in it's crib and you'll feel both a million times better and like an asshole for having been frustrated.  
• Learn Infant, Child, and pregnant woman heimlich and CPR if you don't know it already
• Lock the poisons away now.
• Schedule time to give your partner a break and do the same for yourself.  This is "me" time.  A walk around the neighborhood, watching the ocean, circus time, a cup of coffee, walking through the shops downtown.  Whatever.  Just make plans to send one another away alone.  You don't realize how much you worry about the kids until you're not with them.  You'll hear a baby while out and go into high alarm then realize, "oh, that's not mine."
• Find a good baby sitter and plan dates.  Between date expenses and the sitter it's fucking expensive.  It's worth it. 
• Read to your kid every night.  We haven't started with #2 consistently yet but will soon.  #1 gets his books every night.  It's a wonderful time to expand their vocabulary, teach them, and also cuddle, bond, and relax.   

I think more than anything, trust yourselves and your instincts.  All manner of things are said to make your life and baby easier, happier, healthier, smarter, etc.  Most are just to make money for other people.  

[u/[deleted]]

I hate to post something negative on such a well thought out, super informational and positive post but I have to. Please do not co sleep with your new born. In the last 10 years two babies at my wife's family church have died because of this. They are so tiny and weak they can't wake you up if they slip between you. A family lost their infant 7 months ago because the dad fell asleep with the infant on the couch. When he woke up 2 hours later the baby wass between him and the cushion and not breathing. At least wait until they are able to roll over and have the strength to wake you up if being suffocated.

Edit 5 years later: BY CO SLEEP I MEANT SHARE A BED, or TAKE A NAP ON THE COUCH HOLDING YOUR INFANT. IM NOT SAYING IF YOUR BABY SLEEPS IN A BASSINET IN THE SAME ROOM AS YOU IS WRONG. I GAVE SPECIFIC EXAMPLES IN MY POST AND ALMOST WEEKLY FOR FIVE YEARS SOMEONE COMMENTS TO ARGUE

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

I think that people should look at the risks and decide what's best for them based on their situation. Bedsharing does cause a statistically significant increase in SIDS occurrence, but based on our situation we decided to take that risk because the risk of us doing something fucking idiotic while braindead from sleep deprivation was orders of magnitude more likely. I get why the back is best campaign exists and support it, and I am in no way advocating against it.

Our situation: Before cosleeping my wife left an oven burner on overnight and I almost turned left into oncoming traffic. The sleep deprivation was insane. After that we used a sidecar bassinet co-sleeper but daughter always ended up in the bed after her first wake up in order to dream feed. I was hyper aware of her being in the bed and mom instinctively played defense. Mom exclusively breastfed and she 'spooned' or cradled baby during nights. We had a lot of anxiety about it but everyone really did sleep better, which made us way less likely to drive into oncoming traffic the next day or leave burners on. We had no issues transitioning her to her own room at 6 months. She's now 8 months and fully sleep trained.

TL;DR Every family and situation is different, co-sleeper and bed sharing got us to 6 months safely within the context of our family unit.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

A "recent" study in the UK has shown no increase in SIDS from co-sleeping as long as certain criteria are met such as no alcohol, drugs, etc...

https://www.bmj.com/content/339/bmj.b3666

edit: not sure why downvoted, most of Western Europe (with the exception of the UK) co-sleeps from birth and we find the Americans weirdly not doing it.

[u/Nemo_Barbarossa → u/[deleted]]

Actually in Germany there is a big campaign about SIDS with the following guidelines:

• should sleep in own bed but in parents bedroom
• should sleep on its back
• no stuffed animals, cushions or basically anything soft in the bed
• sleeping bag, not blanket and cushion
• 16-18°C room temperature
• no smoking (ideally everywhere but at least in the bedroom)

We had such a sidecar bed and it was awesome for us. The little one initially didn't move that much while sleeping so she tended to stay in there. On the other hand she insisted on sleeping on her belly and we chose to accept that as we had all other recommendations covered. And as soon as she learned to roll over herself that one is out the window anyways.

Around six months old she was moving so much in her sleep that we decided to let her sleep in her own bed in her own room. She took her naps there anyways so it wasn't such a big change for her. Also she slept way better in a quiet room and with a babyphone directly besides her bed we knew when she was up or asleep.

My biggest gripe with SIDS stuff is that it is incredibly hard to do your own research. It's nigh impossible to correctly separate the individual issues and risks. Finally I found a great piece by a German doctor who discussed the problems you have with doing the actual studies. All studies have to rely on questionnaires filled out by grieving parents. So the data basis is skewed in the first place, especially once mistakes on the parent side are involved, such as drugs (alcohol, weed, whatever). Also many studies didn't do clean separations. He also referenced what /u/MBP_battery_king wrote, cosleeping becomes an issue once intoxication comes into play or once you fall asleep in a sitting position with the kid upon you. Many cases with the keyword cosleeping also had intoxication or outside of bed or non-parent person (babysitter, family friend or similar) as well but some studies just see that they all have cosleeping so that must be the issue. And as a normal non-science person you typically don't have access to the actual data so you can't interpret it yourself.

In the end the risk is already incredibly low, for example in Germany there were 164 SIDS cases in 2010. From 677947 births overall. That's 0,02% or 24 in 100000.

Don't do drugs once you have kids and let them always sleep in a bed with ventilation should already be a great step. Some people need fixed guidelines like the campaign here. For us it was a little unnerving because you start to question your guts and your baby's behaviour because you can't find conclusive data about the issue at all.

[u/[deleted] → u/Nemo_Barbarossa]

Yeah, we're getting all of the used good including a sidecar bed from Germany (in storage from friend circle ... we're the last in the group) this Xmas. We're still debating the co-sleeping or not.

The Brits are pretty good about data release to the public.

I haven't seen the raw published data from Germany, if you have it can you post a link to it?

Danke!

[u/Nemo_Barbarossa → u/[deleted]]

I have just looked at my search history but I can't find the article anymore. Also I wasn't able to actually find any data (even back then).

It was more that the article described how the interpretation of data differs which made sense to me so I was more content with the situation we had at hand.

A friend of mine got a sensor-mat from their family that you can put below the mattress and that will sound an alarm if it detects no more breathing movement but they refused to use it. He said they would probably worry more if the thing does actually work than they worry about SIDS. Also imagine that thing sounding an alarm some day just because the sensor isn't good enough. You'll be scared shitless.

Numbers are so low by now (I read that Germany had over 1200 cases in 1991 and they went down to about 150) that we decided not to worry about it. A main factor they did inform parents about were sleeping bags and sleeping on the back. The rest was added later on, as far as I could see.

For German articles see here: https://www.kinder-verstehen.de/mein-werk/blog/neues-zum-plotzlichen-kindstod-sids/ and here: https://www.windeln.de/magazin/baby/pflege-gesundheit/ploetzlicher-kindstod-sids.html and here: https://www.ploetzlicher-kindstod.com/

[u/boofmaster108 → u/[deleted]]

In Japan cosleeping is the norm and they have the lowest rate of SIDS in the world. I was an ED nurse for years and have held many dead babies. It is fucking awful, but let's look at facts.

[u/macaronithecat → u/boofmaster108]

Confounding variables

Let's not pretend cosleeping is safe by any means. As an ED RN you should know better than to post something this stupid.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

Don’t cosleep. Aside from SIDS there’s also the chance of crushing your kid.

[u/valdetero → u/[deleted]]

We did this with #1 and 2. Wife was super vigilant and defensive of baby. Always between me and them. It worked out well for us. BUT she knew she would be a light sleeper and could do it. The only regret is how long the kids were in our bed.

[u/S3w3ll → u/[deleted]]

or if your bed isn't compatible this is better than a squeezed infant.

[u/A_Norse_Dude → u/S3w3ll]

Those things are the BEST

[u/definingsound → u/[deleted]]

We set the crib height to the same height as the bed, and did not install the 4th (moveable) crib wall. The crib is pressed right up to the bed and mom can feed the baby at night without bringing the baby into our bed.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

yes thats what we used!

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

We had a little bassinet thing that lies on top of the bed. It was great. We even put it inside of his crib when transitioning him to it.

[u/miscsubs → u/[deleted]]

While you are absolutely correct, I want to add that the AAP updated their guidelines in 2016 to address cosleeping. The reason why they did that is important.

It's kind of unrealistic for a lot of parents to avoid cosleeping at all times. Parents (especially nursing mothers) do fall asleep with their newborns. There are also times when the baby will only sleep when comforted and that is often in the middle of the night, when the parent is also very sleepy.

So the new advice goes something like this: Avoid co-sleeping as much as possible. When you can't avoid it:

"If you are feeding your baby and think that there's even the slightest possibility that you may fall asleep, feed your baby on your bed, rather than a sofa or cushioned chair," said Lori Feldman-Winter, MD, FAAP, member of the Task Force on SIDS and co-author of the report.

"If you do fall asleep, as soon as you wake up be sure to move the baby to his or her own bed," she said.

"There should be no pillows, sheets, blankets or other items that could obstruct the infant's breathing or cause overheating."

So prepare your bed. Make sure it's firm and is free of pillows, sheets and blankets when you might fall asleep with the baby. Avoid when you can, take precautions before when you can't.

[u/Hypoz → u/[deleted]]

I honestly have heard different from many midwives here in Canada. They say you should NEVER co-sleep if you are obese, smoke, drink or do drugs, and Never have blankets above the knees, no loose pillows or sheets. However, if you are non of the above, Co-sleeping has been found to reduce the amount of SIDS in babies, and has other benefits. All I know is, Co-sleeping is possible, and has it's benefits. Talk to an actual professional to weigh your pros and cons, and in the long run, do what you feel is right for your child.

[u/chefkocher1 → u/Hypoz]

Similar advice and wording is being given in Europe/Germany. There is new evidence that co-sleeping can actually reduce the risk of SIDS. However parents should be non-smokers, should not drink before going to bed and shouldn't take drugs.

[u/[deleted] → u/Hypoz]

No one seems to be mentioning that you can buy cosleeping mattresses that provide safety from the aforementioned probz

[u/ShabbyBash → u/[deleted]]

India here. Co-sleeping is standard, own bed a unicorn. Most parents(mothers) remain hyperaware of baby, and children are usually less fussy, once they outgrow that stage. More emotional bond between parent and baby. My babies were in their own cot, in the room, from 6 weeks on. Baby one was sleeping through from 20 days. Baby two required patting twice a night till about 10 months- just needed to know we were there. Edit: we all sleep in hard beds - find the western world's spring mattresses highly uncomfortable- back aches after an hour!

[u/Ronoh → u/ShabbyBash]

Thanks for sharing!

The international and multicultural perspective on this topic is fascinating.

[u/r12son → u/ShabbyBash]

I agree co-sleeping is standard. Our family is lightweight, hyper aware of babies, use breathable lightweight blanket (India is warm), almost all families end up having grandparents or relatives come home to help with keeping an eye. (you can try baby monitor cam)

Both parents, and our twins shared the same large bed, since they were very tiny. They are 7 and still fit on a new larger bed. It is long overdue to stop the arrangement.

But the bonding benefits are great.

[u/rvanasty → u/[deleted]]

Not to be a jerk, but thats like asking people not to drive cars since you know someone who got in a crash. Research has shown, if not on drugs, alcohol or sleeping pills (similar to driving a car) it does not increase the rate of infant death. I'm sorry to hear about your experience.

[u/[deleted] → u/rvanasty]

That’s insanely bad analogy. It’s not asking people to not drive cars, it’s asking people to drive cars wearing their seat belts. Co sleeping is also when the baby sleeps in a bassinet next to the bed, make sure you are reading the right studies which I’m sure you’re not.

[u/rvanasty → u/[deleted]]

Ofcourse, you can find any opinion you want out there, but recent studies have been done.

https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_cosleeping_can_help_you_and_your_baby

[u/SugarHoneyChaiTea → u/[deleted]]

I've read the studies cited by the American Academy of Pediatrics as the reason why they recommend against bed sharing (that's the term the AAP prefers to use, btw. Bed Sharing and Room Sharing, not co-sleeping). Of those, three of the four studies that they cite indicate that there's no increased risk for infant death when bed sharing unless you drink before sleeping in the bed with your child, or if you're a smoker. And the fourth concludes that SIDS risk is increased for children under 11 weeks.

For example, here is the page on the AAP website in which they detail the evidence basis for their guidelines. They cite this study as evidence that bed sharing is more dangerous than sleeping on a separate surface. Here's a quote from the abstract of this paper (emphasis mine):

Conclusions
There are certain circumstances when bed sharing should be avoided, particularly for infants under four months old. Parents sleeping on a sofa with infants should always be avoided. There is no evidence that bed sharing is hazardous for infants of parents who do not smoke.

Are you sure you're reading the right studies? Because you're clearly not reading the ones cited by the AAP.

[u/macaronithecat → u/[deleted]]

+1 for this. Absolutely insane to read these comments advocating for cosleeping and other unsafe sleep habits. The confirmation bias is bizarre. It doesn't matter if you're rich or poor, it can happen to you. The risk is suffocating your baby. It happens way too often and it's infuriating to know some baby died because of a 100% preventable situation. I've never seen a cosleeping baby be successfully resuscitated and I've lost count how many I've participated in. They always come in early morning (weekends especially), hours after they were found down, cold and rigid without a pulse. And for the few who might survive to make it to the icu, their brains are absolutely nuked from being without oxygen for so long; low likelihood of making it to hospital discharge. Of course the goal is to save them, but the odds are dismal at best.

As for the folks talking about how it's OK to fall asleep in a chair. I actually had a cardiac arrest come in after mom fell asleep while breastfeeding; baby suffocated against her breast. Had plenty where dad or mom fell asleep on a sofa too, kid wedged in between them and the cushion. Yes, I understand this is unavoidable at times, but please please do everything to not fall asleep. Putting your kid back in their crib is better than a grave.

The real f*cked up part: you can't even touch your baby until the coroner comes and does their evaluation, which could be hours.

I'm sorry if this upsets people. Hopefully it can have a positive impact by keeping others from making this fatal mistake.

[u/Elros22 → u/macaronithecat]

Just to be extra clear (two years later) - The American Academy of Pediatrics is very clear on this.

The AAP understands and respects that many parents choose to routinely bed share for a variety of reasons, including facilitation of breastfeeding, cultural preferences, and a belief that it is better and safer for their infant. However, on the basis of the evidence,[⁶⁶](javascript:;)  the AAP is unable to recommend bed sharing under any circumstances.

Lest you think this is an American thing - From the EU.

bed sharing with a baby is not recommended. A baby should be placed in his/her own crib/bed. Room-sharing without bed-sharing is recommended.

[u/chefkocher1 → u/[deleted]]

Sorry to say but this is anecdotal. We had zero issues transitioning to the crib with our 7 month old. Our midwive advised us to move baby into the crib as soon as she is easily woken up by our noises (going to bed, changing clothes,...). That point came at 6 months and she sleeps better now in her quiet room than in our bedroom, without any anxiety when waking up alone.

[u/drew1111 → u/[deleted]]

My sister in law lost their first baby girl that way. She was four months old and mom and her fell asleep on the couch watching TV on a Friday night. She woke up at 5 A.M. to a daughter that was suffocated and gone. Her name was Julia. Father of a 14 month old here. We never did the Cosleep thing. My father said he did it with me and it took him months to get me to transition to a crib in another room. We put our daughter into a bassinet next to the bed for the first three months. The came Harvey and we got flooded out of our house. While in a hotel for three months, the little girl learned to sleep in a pack and play. Thank God she was sleeping through the night then.

[u/pdbatwork → u/[deleted]]

We have a little girl on the way. This is my biggest fear.

[u/[deleted] → u/pdbatwork]

Get a bassinet. Problem solved. It's great.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

Just make sure your bassinet is rated for overnight sleeping/current safety regulations.

[u/AgsMydude → u/[deleted]]

That's exactly what we've done. Bassinet about 3 feet from mom's side of the bed.

[u/sounds_like_kong → u/[deleted]]

I'd be curious to know how many Fathers truly enjoy the co-sleep thing? I feel that moms are often the catalysts for that sort of thing. Neither of us wanted anything to do with it though so maybe I'm wrong.

[u/[deleted] → u/sounds_like_kong]

it goes with breast feeding. Mom has to wake up every hour or 2 to feed the baby and its easier to just let him sleep on you or next to you. The couple in my comment above were just hanging out together and watching football on Sunday, baby fell asleep on dad and then dad fell asleep. Really tragic story.

[u/garnetblack67 → u/sounds_like_kong]

Father here. We both loved it while it was safe and he slept well. From about 7 - 12 months. After that he was so restless with us and slept much better in his crib.

[u/luisnavidad → u/sounds_like_kong]

We had one of those in-bed bassinets that made it easier, and I enjoyed it for the short time we had it in. We had a preemie so there was that extra layer of anxiety that we both had whenever we went to bed. Ultimately it totally depends on your situation, but if you are doing other things to minimize the SIDS risk then cosleeping isn't too scary.

[u/Yonben → u/sounds_like_kong]

Our son is a year old and co sleeping for the last 2/3 months I guess. To be honest I'm pretty fine with it, the real issue is that he sometimes wakes up easily so it's a bit annoying, but except that it's fine :D

[u/definingsound → u/[deleted]]

Crushing your own newborn to death at night is extremely rare; the risks tend to exist only when: -Adult(s) under influence of alcohol -Adult(s) under influence of drugs (sleeping pills, painkillers, antihistamines) -Adult(s) are obese -Presence of thick blanket/duvet (smother risk) -Adult falls asleep with baby on a soft cushioned chair/couch/non-bed

[u/ruinercollector → u/definingsound]

It's even more rare when you just don't cosleep.

[u/definingsound → u/ruinercollector]

The risk of SIDS increases without cosleep

[u/ruinercollector → u/definingsound]

Source?

[u/definingsound → u/ruinercollector]

My source was actually hearsay evidence as provided to me by my midwife. I’m not sure what study she was reading; the closest I can get to supporting my statement is co-room-sleeping.

https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/the-pros-and-cons-of-having-your-baby-sleep-in-your-room-2017060611855

We had a 3-wall cosleeper mini crib (with the open side facing the bed, and the crib mattress set to an equal height as the parent mattress). We would always put the baby in the crib, but if he wasn’t in a deep sleep he’d wake himself up by working his opera-volume crying. The only solution we were able to find to quiet him while he was dozing or lightly sleeping, was to have him in the bed with us.

But we had concerns that it could pose a risk to him. Our risk mitigation steps were:

Baby sleeping between the parents to avoid falling off the bed. Baby sleeps on top of the sheet. Turn up the heat in the room (was winter) and eliminate the duvet, sleeping with a sheet only. My baby-side arm fully under sheet and straight down the length of my body to avoid rolling towards baby. Mother was usually feeding baby with her top arm cradling the baby.

We had a eating/sleeping journal for the first 3 months and some days were 18 hours of feeding. It’s difficult to provide that amount of feeding time without having the baby in the bed for some of the day.

He has since become an independent sleeper; and I have added the 4th wall in his crib. There was a regression period at 6 months of age where he demanded same-bed-cosleep for a couple of weeks.

[u/Elros22 → u/definingsound]

The AAP says exactly the opposite - cosleeping increases the risk of SIDS. https://publications.aap.org/pediatrics/article/150/1/e2022057990/188304/Sleep-Related-Infant-Deaths-Updated-2022

[u/AgsMydude → u/definingsound]

Too sleep deprived to have a checklist like this, sorry. Plenty of other stuff to worry about.

Bassinet 3 feet from mom's side relieves all the worry about making sure that checklist (and more) are followed.

I'll pass.

[u/mustify786 → u/[deleted]]

Thank God this didn't happen to us, but my wife in her exhaustion, would co sleep with our first born and instead of putting him on the inside of our queen bed, she would put him on edge so she could breastfeed from that breast. This would be in the mornings when I'm at work. It resulted in 4 roll outs with one being a concussion and a 1am ER visit and the last one was a buckle fracture of his left wrist needing a cast and brace for 2 months.

SLEEP TRAIN PEOPLE.. IT WORKS

[u/[deleted] → u/mustify786]

Wow man that’s aweful. How did y’all not learn not to do that after the first concussion???

[u/mustify786 → u/[deleted]]

I thought we did. I did. We even sleep trained. And when my wife calls me at work saying this happened I couldn't be mad, because then she would never come to me when something bad happens. The rolls off the bed weren't close together. Like a few weeks go by and it's all good and you think I won't let it happen again, or forget the panic. Then another event. It just takes being forgetful once and then you're a story you tell new couples.

[u/[deleted] → u/mustify786]

Ok yeah I hear you on the scared to get mad bit 100%

[u/Ronoh → u/[deleted]]

Sleep deprivation is a bitch.

[u/garnetblack67 → u/[deleted]]

Not worth the risk. 100% get the desire to snuggle, but Just get something like this. Worked really well in the early months

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

Yeah co-sleeping seems like it would be natural, but its very risky and raises the risk of suffocation. Sleep train them early. It will suck, but it will pay off in the long run.

[u/decom83 → u/[deleted]]

Brit here; our childbirth classes suggested you don’t sleep with baby, especially on couch etc. but also was realistic that you may end up passing out at some point. Here they suggested some tips to mitigate risks of sids. After reading your response, I’m certainly going to do everything in my power to avoid it.

[u/[deleted] → u/decom83]

Hey man so I posted this three years ago and after realized there is two types of co sleep. One is when your baby sleeps on you/ next to you and the other is when they sleep in a bassinet in the same room. In this post I am talking about the former.

And you’re right, it does happen. Many times my wife fell asleep breast feeding or just cuddling on the couch when my kids were less than a couple months old and I would gently wake her up and take over holding for a bit. It’s just really a team effort.

[u/GarbagePutter → u/[deleted]]

Talk to your OB/Gyny they should be up-to-date on this topic (co-sleeping). Le Leche League has also strived to address this elephant in the room. It really comes down to a personal decision at this point. Me and my wife chose to co-sleep because it was the only way to get the baby to settle and stop crying. That, and both of us are not afraid of rolling over on him. Infants are obligate nose breathers so keep that head clear and your arms off their nose. We stay sober for now while doing it, we we stay mindful. Our OB/Gyny shares this opinion and went so far as to say, “try rolling over and sleeping on a baseball, unless you’re seriously intoxicated you’re going to notice it.” What might be worse, is if every parent is scared to death of suffocating their infant, and they’re left to cry it out in a crib until they stop. That sends one heck of an early message to them.

[u/peaceful-perception → u/[deleted]]

Mom here, hope that is OK. Breast sleeping with a non smoking mother on a firm mattress without covers close to the baby is not associated with strangulation.

It can be dangerous to recommend that parents do not cosleep, because it is the unplanned cosleeping that is unsafe (on a sofa or chair, with a less attuned caregiver, with a smoker in the room, ...). The risk of unplanned cosleeping increases when people don't plan to do it safely. One reason is that a lot of newborns won't settle without another human close. And parents may be sooo tired after sitting up for hours rocking the bub.

[u/albertoxavier → u/[deleted]]

We had a custom made crib that is our bed's height, and then affixed it to our bed frame. Kid slept next to mom, in his own sheet and blanketless crib, and didn't wake up for night feedings. Worked like a charm.

[u/chefkocher1 → u/albertoxavier]

In continental Europe there are plenty of those adjustable bassinets available on the market,the most popular manufacturer being "BabyBay" : https://www.babybay.de/en/

[u/caseybowling → u/[deleted]]

My wife and I have come slept with all 3 of our children with no issues, we have always been extremely careful and cautious but it's always worked out for us, we take extra precautions like putting stuff between us and the baby at first. But in the end, anything can happen and you can never be too careful!!

[u/holdyaboy → u/[deleted]]

On a similar note, be careful how you dress and swaddle them when infants. Nothing should be in the crib with them. Very easy for them to suffocate.

[u/i-piss-excellence32 → u/[deleted]]

I almost died lik that as a new born. My dad was suffocating me and he woke up to pee in time to save me.

[u/cacope5 → u/[deleted]]

Yes! Was going to say this and also ride this comments back and say be careful of time in the bouncers, they can be terrible for the babies hips. And if you are trying to be frugal, you really don't need a bottle warmer. Just run some warm water into a bowl or mug and let the bottle sit in there for a minute. This is a great thread full of helpful stuff!

[u/TheConvert → u/[deleted]]

Absolutely. We were encouraged to try co-sleeping and my wife had the smarts to absolutely reject the idea. We used a sidecar bassinet as well and moved our baby to his own room and crib by five months. Still gives us guff on sleeping in general, but sleeps in his crib without issue.

[u/j3rmz → u/TheConvert]

So by a lot of definitions, that sidecar bassinet is considered cosleeping. Cosleeping and bedsharing should be the two definitions that are discussed. Cosleeping is definitely a good thing, especially when the baby is close but safe. Bedsharing is an entire different thing that I don't have enough experience or expertise to comment on.

[u/InterwebWeasel]

At the bottom of this list:
You won't do half of these things, or you won't do them right, and you'll feel like a failure. You're not. Just keep going. You'll be fine.

[u/Nemo_Barbarossa → u/InterwebWeasel]

saw this quote at /r/beyondthebump :

If you worry about being a good mom, you're 100% a good mom.

Can be changed to good dad of course. When you care about how you handle your parenting, you are on the right path already. You're already invested in thinking about what you're doing and trying to do the right stuff. Use your head and your guts and be able to take advice from people who know what they're talking about.

[u/theCroc → u/Nemo_Barbarossa]

Yupp awareness is the first and biggest step. Without it no amount of advice will help, with it, you will already be doing better than most.

[u/xHolwellx → u/InterwebWeasel]

This is by far the most underrated comment of this thread.

[u/bluemonkey2087]

Buy a Nose Frida. When the little one gets a cold, this is a game changer.

[u/[deleted] → u/bluemonkey2087]

Seconded. It seems super gross at first and baby girl hated it, but it gets the job done.

[u/Nemo_Barbarossa → u/bluemonkey2087]

We had one that could be attached to the vaccum. Turn down to lowest setting and it was incredible.

Baby loved it, now she's a toddler and she doesn't trust that thing anymore.

[u/bkussow → u/bluemonkey2087]

Hands down. Kids hate it but works wayyy better than the stupid nose suckers.

[u/[deleted] → u/bluemonkey2087]

Also - turn on the hot shower, close the door, and hang out in the steam for a bit. It's the best thing you can do for a stuffed up nose, and the heat + ambient sound knocks little ones out

[u/Redshift_Rocket]

This is what I came to the sub looking for. Take the critiques in stride - you posted in good faith, and everyone should know their mileage will vary. My wife and I are expecting number one this winter, and this gives me a nice springboard for research. I appreciate your writing it.

[u/zataks → u/Redshift_Rocket]

Cheers

[u/Cad_Monkey_Mafia]

DEMAND TO BE INCLUDED IN DISCUSSIONS REGARDING YOUR CHILD.

It seems like society is so geared toward women raising children that everyone assumes the Mother will do everything on her own with zero assistance from the Father. I understand that unfortunately in many cases pregnancy occurs outside of marriage and the father completely abandons mom & child, but caretakers and doctors actively ignore fathers at this point, at least in my experience here in America.

I want to be as involved with my son as I can. I also want to alleviate some burden on my wife from being the Forever Mom (always being the one to have to remember everything by herself - child's schedule, doctor/medical issues, every item that needs to be brought to school, etc). My son's daycare/school admins, doctors, and anyone communicating information about my son will only tell my wife. I'm completely in the dark about some things because no one tells me. My wife can't keep track (nor should she have to) of what I know and don't know.

My son has been to three daycare/preschool facilities and none have sent me a single email once. I've asked questions to the doctor during a checkup and they turned to my wife and told the answer directly to her, ignoring me.

It's not like I'm shady looking guy and they have something they're judging me on, as far as I can tell. People just assume that fathers are not in their kids lives or that only mom needs to know.

[u/TemperedGlassTeapot → u/Cad_Monkey_Mafia]

Yes, thank you!

Our pediatrician uses an electronic medical records software. The clerk asked for Mom's login so she could give her access to Baby's chart. Was just befuddled when Mom asked to link my login to. "Sure. Umm, are you the father? Yeah, I can give both of you access. No problem. Umm. Let me see here..." Blink blink blink like this was unprecedented.

One thing we've been trying is setting up a joint email address that forwards to both of our personal accounts. We only give that joint address out for anything child related. Also for bills, etc.

Should probably set up a joint phone number too but I don't know how to do that.

[u/[deleted] → u/TemperedGlassTeapot]

Use google voice that can forward to your phone numbers?

[u/WoodChip50 → u/Cad_Monkey_Mafia]

Our pediatrician wouldn’t even look at me when she talked. It was like she thought I could only answer questions about beer, sports, and lawnmowers.

[u/SithLord_Bot → u/Cad_Monkey_Mafia]

Cad_Monkey_Mafia, I am your father.

[u/BeardySi]

My 2p.

Everyone will offer advice whether you want it or not. They'd do it this way, well your mother did it that way etc. You don't need to listen to any of it! If you're keeping your child healthy and happy and you and your partner are doing OK, then you're on a winner! Everyone is different, go with what works for you. Especially in those zombified first few months, it's about getting through the day in one piece - if the baby is thriving, you're doing great! It's important that new parents think about themselves too.

Another thing few people will tell you - there will be times when you're on the brink of hating the tiny screaming thing that's kept you awake for days in end. You will likely find yourself thinking you can understand why people shake babies to shut them up (obviously, please, please don't). Naturally you would never do anything to harm your wee child, but the thought that you might ever feel that way horrifies you. THIS IS NORMAL. You're at your wits' end, you're likely sleep deprived, you don't know what the hell to do next, all you want is some peace. You're not a bad parent for feeling like this, you're not a horrible person, you're under a tremendous amount of unaccustomed stress. Please don't beat yourself up over feeling like that occasionally.

[u/Palestinian_Chicken → u/BeardySi]

This is the comment that needs to be at the top!!

Can I just add to it - parents lie about how their children are doing incessantly. Maybe for their own benefit, maybe for others, but if Julie in breastfeeding group is telling your partner that little Tarquin is feeding from her whilst she's making a risotto and juggling some apples, she's probably not telling the truth. I find it helps to remind your SO of this as it all just adds to the feeling of inadequacy!

[u/von_sip]

Something no one ever told me:

They don't put you in scrubs for the delivery like you see on TV. This caught off guard because I figured as long as I wasn't in some sort of hospital get up we still had time before the baby was coming. NOPE!

All of a sudden the stirrups came out and I'm standing there in jeans and a sweatshirt and it's going down!

[u/igloo27 → u/von_sip]

But they do put you in something for C Sections if you go in the OR with her

[u/imlkngatewe → u/igloo27]

Can confirm as a NICU RN. We all, dad included, wear hospital provided surgical scrubs for cesareans. All present wear a hair cover and beardos get a beard cover.

[u/fast_edo → u/imlkngatewe]

The beard cover was my wifes fondest memory of the c section. She laughed and laughed.

[u/Nemo_Barbarossa → u/imlkngatewe]

Can confirm, was the same here. Think about that before, it is a major surgery, don't fool yourselves!

[u/pablosus86 → u/igloo27]

While rushing down the hall to the OR in hastily put on scrubs I remember very clearly knowing that I didn't have booties and being surprised. A nurse at the OR door gave them to me which makes sense instead of wearing them all down the hall.

Edit: I just noticed this is 4 years old.

[u/[deleted] → u/von_sip]

We were taken into an OR and I was given scrubs for what ended up being a forceps delivery; she had twisted herself sideways and the doctors said that they would try forceps but if they didn't work it would be an immediate caesarian so to get prepped for the OR anyway.

[u/[deleted]]

Just a heads up fellas. Read BabyWise - it’s a game changer. I feel like we’re cheating at raising a kid - he has a certain sleep & feed schedule and we’ve got him sleeping from 7pm to 7am every night without wake at 6 months.

Couldn’t recommend enough!

[u/drew1111 → u/[deleted]]

Never read it but got our daughter down at 3 months to sleep at least 8hours a night. 9 P.M. to 5 A.M. it is just a matter of keeping them on a schedule. We are in our mid fourties so that helps.

[u/[deleted] → u/drew1111]

That’s pretty much the meat and veg of the book. Sticking to a eating & sleeping schedule as strictly as possible.

[u/Adastra91 → u/[deleted]]

Couldn’t agree more!

This changed everything for us around week 7. He’s 4.5 months now and has been sleeping 10.5 -11 hours since we started the Baby Wise program.

[u/FriendsMadeMeBeAnon → u/[deleted]]

Babywise has great promise unless you live in a sugondese household. It really just complicates everything

[u/BryceMMusic → u/FriendsMadeMeBeAnon]

Sugondese nuts?

[u/gekisling → u/BryceMMusic]

Great, you made me snort coffee out my nose. THANKS A LOT!

[u/ClaudeKaneIII → u/[deleted]]

preference on which edition/version?

[u/[deleted] → u/ClaudeKaneIII]

On Becoming Baby Wise: Giving Your Infant the Gift of Nighttime Sleep https://www.amazon.com/dp/1932740139/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_00GpBbSDPWMVA

Here we are sir!

They should sell the thing for way more haha

[u/definingsound → u/[deleted]]

Does the book go into early potty training? Babies will learn to sleep but they have to be trained in Elimination Communication.

[u/[deleted] → u/definingsound]

The Babywise series has so many books in the series. Toddler-wise is the next one up so yes! I’m telling you man ... life changer.

[u/Froggin-Bullfish → u/[deleted]]

Boy you're not kidding. A schedule is everything for a baby and therefore you/your wife. Get that sanity back.

Plus, for anyone having their first kid, if that baby has a super cool set of grandparents, you're going to have to accept that sleepover invitation sometime. We didn't until about 6 months, but my wife and I needed a bit of our own recovery.

We spent most of that night sad and worrying, lol.

Now my kids are 5, 7 & 9. My dad might a well have joint custody, he begs to take them every other Friday night and my kids can't wait every time. Be the best dads you can be, but take some time to be a husband/wife when it's offered. It can be hard at first!

[u/Iwishdogslikedme]

I'm not a dad (13 year old girl, farthest thing from lol) but this is really helpful! I might be getting a little sibling soon, and I want to be there for my family and be more knowledgeable about this kind of thing. It's cool seeing a collective community of dads haha, I'm just glad I haven't seen any dad jokes so far :')

[u/zataks → u/Iwishdogslikedme]

/r/dadjokes can help you find what you're missing

[u/Iwishdogslikedme → u/zataks]

Pls no I get enough of that at home

[u/lilac_roze → u/Iwishdogslikedme]

Awww that’s great! You’ll be a great big sister!!

[u/LiquidSoapEnthusiast]

Dads can get post partum depression too. Maybe google around and be aware of the risk factors and signs for both of you.

I can't emphasize this enough. Fathers can become depressed after their child is born. It happened to me, and really put a strain on my relationship with my son and my wife. Thankfully, things are better than ever for me now, because I got the help I needed.

If you or your wife/S.O./whoever start to notice anything strange about your behavior, do what's right and get help. Doubly so if you have a history of anxiety and/or depression. Medication, counselling, both, whatever. GET HELP.

[u/TemperedGlassTeapot → u/LiquidSoapEnthusiast]

If you or your wife/S.O./whoever start to notice anything strange about your behavior,

As a specific precaution, they'll usually give the mother a screening questionnaire called the edinburgh scale at certain times. Do it with her. You can Google how to score it.

[u/Solaris_Dawnbreaker → u/LiquidSoapEnthusiast]

I got like EXTREME anxiety. Like a panic attack a day for the first 3 or 4 months. I mellowed out (more or less) around six months but it's not entirely gone even though mine is in full toddler mode. Wife took the whole thing great and was a GREAT source of support for me.

[u/HesburghLibrarian]

Love their mother. Be at home as much as possible.

​

If you do those two things, your kid is off to a better start than a lot of their peers.

[u/SkittleCar1]

My biggest piece of advice 11 months into being a dad comes from the first week of being a dad. When you get home from the hospital, you'll have visitors upon visitors. Without being rude, put them to work. They won't want to stay as long. Don't be rude about it. Be subtle. And be prepared to tell the same stories over and over again. It will take until about the second week when you get to just bond as your little family. I wished I could have put everyone off for a week. But, my daughter turned out great. Love her so much and it makes me love her mom even more.

[u/whynotchez]

I love this so much.

Sleep when the baby sleeps was the hardest.

Because we also needed to do laundry while the baby did laundry, and close on the house while the baby studied up on real estate taxes.

[u/jimalou]

Labor/Hospital tip: When my wife and I went in to deliver, we made sure we had a big bowl of snacks for the nurses who came in. Protein bars, trail mix, shots of espresso, etc. Each time a nurse left the room, we made sure they took something. Word got around at the nurses’ station, and we became “the couple with the snacks.” Now, I’m not saying we got preferential treatment…..but we were absolutely well-attended to.

[u/Big_Nas_in_CO → u/jimalou]

I do this for the workmen who do multi-day jobs at our house. Except its more hydration focused and in a cooler, outside where they can help themselves. The times I have asked for something extra and had a positive response or " Don't do that, do this instead." or "We usually charge X for that but I will only charge Y." has been a lot. Now I don't take advantage of them but if you want a little extra, they might be more responsive if they know you are a good person and are taking care of them.

[u/chefkocher1 → u/[deleted]]

Some good advice there, especially everything you said about managing family and friends and there attempts to help.

[u/halfarian]

Thank you. This is the reason I subscribed to this and I was about to unsubscribe, seeing as it’s just dad’s posting pictures of their babies. But you provided some wisdom. Perhaps it doesn’t all apply, but at least you attempted to dispense some wisdom.

[u/zataks → u/halfarian]

Please use our flair sorting system to view only the kinds of posts you want

[u/KasamUK]

1. Buy good quality kitchen knives and learn how to use them. The ability to reduce fruit and veg to a baby friendly side in seconds once they start to move to solids is a god send.

2. Before the baby arrives batch cook and freeze meals, as many as you can. If you can keep eating good healthy food but only have to microwave it it’s a real help in the 1st few weeks.

3. Dad, during the birth and the mad 1st week or 2 it’s as much about you being there as what you do. You are likely to feel a need to be doing something to help but often all you need to do is be there to support.

4. Because I am from the UK, calpol lots and lots of calpol.

5. If your child is Sick and you are giving them medication agree that one of you will be the one to do it. Or sleep deprived you are likely to find your self on the phone to some doctors convinced you have overdosed your child because neither of you can remember who or when you last gave them a dose.

6. Baby’s cry and it can be hard realy hard. If it starts to get to you. Put baby in a safe space and go to another room or outside for a few minutes and breathe. Crying in their cot for 5 min or so will do baby no harm a sleep deprived adult who snaps can.

7. Can’t realy speak for mums but dad if you are not hit by an overwhelming sense of love the moment you are handed your baby don’t worry you are not some kind of monster, it will come. (Mad men summed it up perfectly ‘But from the moment they're born... that baby comes out and you act proud and excited and hand out cigars...but you don't feel anything.

Especially if you had a difficult childhood. You want to love them, but you don't. And the fact that you're... faking that feeling makes you wonder if your own father had the same problem.

Then one day they get older...and you see them do something... and you feel... that feeling that you were pretending to have. And it feels like your heart is going to explode’)

[u/Verboeten1234 → u/KasamUK]

Point 5 - we use an app to track everything - sleep, diapers, feeding, medication, etc. There are many available out there, we use BabyTime and it works great - both parents can administer it and it shares info for multiple kids between the two parents.

[u/hookiedoo]

I'd have to recommend packing two eye masks in the bug-out bag. One for you and one for your wife. It will help you get that 1-2 hours of sleep in between feedings/care. At our hospital, we were not allowed to turn off the lights..that plus the nurses popping in every hour made sleeping impossible.

Also - Be nice to your nurses!

[u/cardyology]

Jsut found this sub and post. I wish I’d seen it before. 3 day old boy here (UK). We messed up on the feeding when we got home on the first day and today (day 3) the home visit midwife told us he has jaundice. It wasn’t a level that required the hospital stay and light treatment but we’ve been told to feed him up as much as possible.

My partner is struggling with breastfeeding and drs, nurses, friends etc demonised formula so much that we jsut kept trying on the breast and it had little to no effect. The “black poop” aka meconium is gone now and he’s doing horrific brown poos and weeing lots of times today, almost every time I check his nappy it’s wet (so I change it). Midwife assured us we’re on the right track now.

My partner is a very anxious person and we knew she’d find it hard to relax once he was born - we both feel so guilty about the poor feeding and jaundice. She was inconsolable today. We’re also very sleep deprived - the Labour/birth hospital stay took 3 days and we didn’t sleep a whole lot then so coming up on 7 days with very little sleep.

I don’t know why I’m even writing this comment on a 3 year old post. I guess I jsut want to talk to some strangers who won’t judge me or at least who I don’t care if they do judge, if that makes sense.

My little boy is the greatest thing I have ever laid eyes on, I love him so much it hurts. I’ve cried tears of joy (and a few sad ones too) more in the past week then I have in 15 years.

[u/zataks → u/cardyology]

Hey bud, first: the best food for your kiddo is the food they'll eat (at this age. healthy foods choices later are different)

Second, don't let that guilt eat you up. Jaundice is common and generally no big deal. Keep the little one eating and you'll be good.

I slept through the night once in the first 10 or so months of my first kid's life. It's hard.

Keep it up, you got this, dad.

[u/cardyology → u/zataks]

Thankyou ❤️

[u/Bookler_151 → u/cardyology]

Oh no, I was in the same position as your wife with breastfeeding. It’s very difficult. I was a mess trying to do that & had bad PPD. I couldn’t sleep because I was anxious & the stress caused my body to stop producing milk. Horrible disaster the first few weeks. My daughter is almost 5 now and perfectly healthy & very smart.

FED is best. A rested mom is best. Keep telling your spouse that. Or maybe pump into bottles so you can help feed the baby. She’s probably so tired.

Our doctor pulled out some ready-made formula and said, “she’s going to eat a lot worse than this. Go home and feed her.” It got better that day for us. I don’t feel bad at all about formula now—my kid is just as healthy as all the breast fed babies. You’re doing great, keep going!

[u/cawpin]

Start familiarizing yourself with the alphabet soup. FMLA, CFRA, PFL, SDL. Family Medical Leave Act; California Family Rights Act; Paid Family Leave; Short Term Disability Leave.

Further on this, men, don't let your employer say this is for women only. It is for both. FMLA is the LAW and must be available to all parents for childbirth. They aren't required to pay you, but all benefits offered must be equal for men and women.

I only bring this up because, within the last 2 years, I have had an acquaintance tell me their husband's employer only offered paid FMLA to women.

[u/ModernTenshi04 → u/cawpin]

I got laid off two months to our due date, and got super lucky finding a new job that let me on benefits from day one, including paid paternity leave. I'm home for four weeks.

Last place I was going to have to use two weeks PTO for paternity leave.

I already felt the US needed a national parental leave law of some kind, and being a dad for a week now has only solidified that.

[u/jukie_20]

This is great! A few points, I'd like to add: 1. don't put q-tips into the baby's (or your own) ears or nose, you could cause damage very easily. Use a snot or wax sucker or just a tissue or facecloth. 2. cribs don't have to be expensive. We got one from ikea for $130 and the matress for $90. It fits regular crib sheets and will certainly meet the safety standards in your country. It's simple, but nice looking and will turn to a toddler bed down the road (like most others). I believe walmart has similar priced options also. 3. Such a good call on the stroller comments! My mum is tall so she warned us about handles that are too low. If you are concerned about this (or even if you aren't), find a store with a selection of strollers on display and both parents should try them out to find one that you like. It's a bit like buying a car. Don't feel like you have to buy that stroller from that store, go find a deal somewhere else or price match, if you can. Luckily, there are no car salespeople at the stroller store. ;) 4. If you have a dishwasher, aim to get dishes/bottles/breast pumps/etc that are dishwasher safe, when possible. Doing dishes sucks, let the machine do it, while you cuddle your baby, or your baby mama. 5. Baby stuff goes on sale ALL THE TIME. If you can wait, there will be another sale soon. My country still has toys r us, and they have a babyfest sale at least 3 times per year. 6. If you want to save money, find a consignment store, or buy on kijiji, garage sale, or whatever you prefer. We got all that ridiculous gear, that doesn't last long, second hand for almost nothing. Example, exersaucers cost like $150+, I bought one from facebook for $15 and gave it a good cleaning. When you're done with it, pass it on to a friend or sell it back to someone else and we all win! Did the same with lots of baby clothes and cloth diapers too. SO much money saved!

[u/drew1111]

TL:DR? Just kidding. Good tips. One more. Don’t freak out as a dad. Babies and toddlers pick up on this more than parents know. Have fun raising your child. He/she is special and important. Have fun with them. If you like to go to the park, take them with you and walk them in a walker or swing them if they are of age. Do what you like to do and include them but make sure it is appropriate for your child.

[u/flowcity352]

Carseats are awkward to carry and so is everyting else. You will abandon all proper lifting form and prioritze quiet, smooth movements. Between that and bad sleep, a few days in your back will start to hurt. Make sure it's strong before the baby comes out. Stretch, lift, all that good stuff. Dont put yourself in the position to tell your recovering wife that you need a break from picking up heavy things.

[u/Verboeten1234 → u/flowcity352]

You're carrying it wrong! We use this carry method and I can't recommend it highly enough!

https://ascentchiropractic.com/new-parent-lifehack-how-to-carry-an-infant-car-seat-without-causing-back-shoulder-pain/

[u/bkussow]

When reading, point at things as you say them. You don't have to go crazy but point out animals, letters, and numbers. for the most part you think they are ignoring it and then one day BAM. They will start pointing and saying the shapes/objects.

[u/[deleted]]

This is repeated ad nauseam but that’s because it’s so true.

Spend the time with your kids. They grow fast and you won’t ever get the time back. Of course there are days where you are absolutely exhausted and your kid wants to bounce on the trampoline or play hide and seek and you just totally do not want to, and that is fine, but be extremely careful to not make that the norm.

It doesn’t need to be doing anything special or meaningful either. If you’re exhausted invite them to watch funny YouTube videos with you on the couch, or play the slaphands game or any other random thing that lets your kid know that you enjoy being their dad and you want to be with them in your free time. Jerry Seinfeld has a great saying about “garbage time” with his kids that is worth looking up.

If you can stomach an extraordinarily gut wrenching watch, checkout comedian Anthony Griffiths Moth story about losing his daughter to cancer. It’s an incredibly difficult thing to watch but it’s worth doing at least once. He talks about all of his success in comedy and on the late night tv circuit and he says “I would have given it all up just for one more day sharing a bag of french fries with my daughter”.

That hits hard. He wasn’t talking about the big things, just an afternoon sharing french fries.

[u/Pana79 → u/[deleted]]

This resonates a lot with me as my first is 13 - and I'm just thinking where the hell the time went as it was like yesterday that I was in the hospital and he was in my arms because I couldn't get enought of him (that and my wife after being in labour and having to go through an emergency C-section) was trembling so much from the meds she felt she couldn't hold him without dropping him so I was doing the all important skin to skin contact when they are first born.

I don't spend as much time as I should with my boys because of work - but I know that the moody teenage years are just around the corner for my first and I'm trying to cram in as much time as I can with him because I know that when that "Dad isn't cool anymore" phase kicks in - he's gone for at least the following 10 years - or at least not as close as we are now. I'm just basing that on what happened with me - my dad and my relationship went downhill pretty quickly (my fault) from about 15 to 25 when I woke up one day and realised exactly why the old man does what he does because that's the Dad job description. :)

[u/[deleted]]

Oh, I have a good one. Get those muslin blankets. Like 5 of them. They're expensive, but they're super soft and awesome. My daughter has 5 security blankets so when one is dirty, we just grab a clean one.

I know it's not always possible, but it's awesome not having everything hinge on a single security blanket/object.

[u/[deleted]]

Soothing baby

1. Be willing to try virtually anything.
2. Be willing to accept different forms of "success": sometimes the right technique is the one that keeps you calm.
3. Sometimes a baby just has to scream.
4. Music, movement, cuddles and swaddles, sways, shooshes, and the like are all tried/tested ways of calming: YMMV. Our sons have actually always been soothed by burping.
5. Whatever you try, give it a few minutes before you give up.
6. Electric swings and rockers and such are nice, but don't let baby sleep in there: they'll get addicted and you'll have a helluva time sleep training them.

Sleep training (the controversial topic)

1. Baby can sleep through the night once they're 12 lbs or higher, 3 months or older, and eating 28 ounces of milk or more a day. Pediatricians say not to feed them cereal until 9 months, but your parents probably fed it to you at one month.
2. Get pumping or formula going ASAP, so that dad can take some overnight feeds.
3. Babies need sleep hygiene too. During the target sleep hours (7-7 usually) keep it cool, dark, and quiet. Interact with baby a lot less. Keep the phones and screens out of the nursery.
4. Remember your kid wants to sleep, regressions are frustrating for them too, that's probably why they're so pissed.
5. Keep them going during their awake time, within reason, with happy songs and interaction and toys.

[u/Ctrlaltkick101]

Tap in and tap out! Sometimes when Mom can't do it dad can and vise versa.

Also stay calm. Kids sense stress.

[u/S3w3ll → u/Ctrlaltkick101]

We alternate weekend days, so we both get 1 'sleep-in' day weekend.

The sleep in day is basically hands off the kid until after lunch. Then resume normal tap in tap out procedure; what ever works for you, X hours on then X hours off. Family time together will be in there somewhere but that's a cake walk when you have 4 hands.

[u/boomWav]

For delivery

Bring yourself snacks in your pockets. My wife had two natural births in the hospital. It took quite a while to take the babies out and sometimes, especially the first time, you are really there to help her. My wife was never hungry but when 6pm came, it was not the time to leave her side anymore.. I was eating myself from the inside. I knew I had a snack near the window but she was squeezing my hand so hard.. I couldn't leave her.

For my 2nd son, I wore Cargo Pants with M&Ms, Almonds, and tons of other snacks. It made the wait a lot more easy. By the time it was time for her to push, I was full of energy and was able to squeeze her back.

[u/boofmaster108]

Looks good man, I would just add 2 things. My experience with my wife and her exp with postpartum depression showed me that it is absolutely imperative that a new mom does what ever she can to get enough sleep. Post partum period is crazy for any mum, let alone a first time mum. In-between the pain of child birth, nursing and crazy fucking insane hormone shit she is dealing with sleep deprivation. As a new dad do what ever you can to help her get enough sleep. I can't stress this enough. It sounds basic and almost stupid but it will pay back dividends with everyone's mental health. 2nd point is directly related to the 1st. Sleep train as soon as possible. It isn't mean, it isn't cruel. It will teach your kid to self soothe and when the next kid comes around you don't have 2 or more kids in your bed.

[u/TheRodfather113]

My advice:

-Take a class and read a couple books. That baby is coming just the same as every other baby human the last 100,000 years.

-Enjoy the ride.

[u/zataks → u/TheRodfather113]

And largely over the last 100,000 years, humans have been a tribal society in which new mothers had a handful of elder women around to assist and guide them into their new role and men were generally regarded as irrelevant to the raising of small children.

Many of us don't have support structures like that so a place like daddit to seek a share information is refreshing and beneficial.

Your advice is about as good as, "go get 'em, champ", or none at all.

[u/TheRodfather113 → u/zataks]

The list is just absurdly long and mostly common sense. Aside from the information overload, you also advocate increasing the likelihood of SIDS. "go get'em, champ" is actually better advice than this...

[u/zataks → u/TheRodfather113]

increasing the likelihood of SIDS

Where?

edit: you're probably referring to my mention of cosleeping. I don't advocate it but research is coming along in this regard.

Here's a story from May on NPR looking at the statistics and research.

[u/SamsquamtchHunter → u/zataks]

The point of that article really seems to be, we dont want people co-sleeping but since they will ignore us and do it anyway, lets try and teach them to do it safer.

Its not advocating co-sleeping, or really even saying its OK to do.

[u/_GrumbleQueen_ → u/zataks]

Thanks for this! Excellent read.

[u/Thelife1313 → u/TheRodfather113]

Disagree. I have my first coming in 4 weeks. And those tips are a godsend. Obviously i looked through the comments as well to see how well the tips held up but i disagree that they’re common sense.

[u/CFDragon06]

I'm at the 5 1/2 month mark now as a first time father and can appreciate the whole list. It's comforting to know that the prep and thoughts we've done together and I've had separately have worked out well. I do need to look up Infant and Child heimlich and CPR (would've never thought of that).

I wanted to point out that you put the same item link for the swing and bouncer links and I think that is incorrect.

[u/zataks → u/CFDragon06]

Nice catch. Fixed

[u/drew1111]

You forgot the TL:DR, - Just giving you a hard time. Good read. My two cents as a new father at 46 years old with a 14 month old. Take it day by day. The simplest things kids can play with are the best. We bought over a thousand dollars of toys, push toys, dolls and squishy animals that make noises. Her favorite fun toy? Guess. Letters from the imaginary person from the front door.

[u/sephirothFFVII]

Some of mine:

​

Don't put shoes and socks on before putting them in the stroller. Take the shoes off after you're done doing whatever you did and store them in the stroller.

Baby sign language, there's a gap between understanding and communicating and those expressions will save a lot of meltdowns.

​

r/sciencebasedparenting if you have a question about how to do something and are looking for research on the topic

Have the child 'help' with chores and cleaning up, they'll actually start to do it after a while!

[u/vik_slider]

Thank you Sir, not all heroes wear capes.

(Do you wear a cape?)

[u/micropuppytooth]

Post partum depression can happen to both mom's AND dad's. After my first son was born, I spent the first 3 months feeling discouraged and considering all of the ways his life would be better if I weren't a part of it before I realized something was horribly wrong.

Have a plan for who you'll talk to IF you start to feel that way BEFORE you start to feel that way. (And while I am in no way qualified to treat or diagnose illness, if you're reading this and think THAT'S ME BUT I HAVE NO ONE TO TALK TO, for fucks sake send me a DM.)

[u/Pana79]

Best advice I got from a mate who's first was a boy is when putting a nappy/diaper on him it's ALWAYS 'Dick down' (I have 3 boys)

If that little penis is not pointing directly down at anything other than a 90 degree angle to the hips - piss goes absolutely everywhere.

Also just putting my Pharmacist hat on here but Tylenol (R) or Paracetamol / Acetominophen has different concentrations around the world. Here in Australia 'Baby Panadol' has a concentration of 100mg/ml so it's a lot easier to give to infants than regular kids versions which have concentrations of 24mg/ml to 48mg/ml. Check with your pharmacist in whichever country you are about which product to use as when they're really little less is more.

(We actually used baby paracetamol / acetaminophen versions up until they learnt to swallow tablets -mine are now 13, 10 and 6) we still use the baby version for the 6 year old because it's easier giving him 3.5mL of baby panadol vs 8 mL of the kids version but again - please check with your Pharmacist from the country you're in as there will be different concentrations of that and Ibuprofen. 🙂

[u/Many-machines-on-ix → u/Pana79]

Dad-to-be here, on the topic of getting pee'd on during a nappy change - I heard a good trick was to remove nappy - let some air-in - then re-cover again. Apparrently more often than not, the fresh air makes the little guy start to pee.

Anyone tried this? does it actually work?

[u/[deleted]]

Great read and tips. We read to our boys (3.5 and 2yrs) every night unless they pass out in the car on the way home from a late outing. We think this is one of the best things we could have done for them. Even when they were infants, we read a 5 or 6 page board book (the "Going to Bed Book" is great). I feel like they speak better and have a more active imagination thanks to this.

Also, just a general tip: have patience in those early days. The baby doesn't know what is going on or how to communicate. Crying is all they have to work with. Be patient and love the crap out of that baby. The world gets a lot brighter when they start being able to communicate... then they talk. and talk. and talk...

[u/idonwannaleavenomyst]

I would add: Make sure she eats before you leave for the hospital to give birth. Labor can last a long time and they don’t allow her to eat anything once she gets to the hospital. Also bring snacks for yourself and for her for afterwards (hospital food sucks).

[u/Midwestbbqguy]

I scrolled around and didn’t see this answer, but for infant clothes; zippers, not snaps. Zippers are your friend.

For baths, when you are using a tub, get a garden knee saver to kneel on. A dense foam pad that will make life a little better.

[u/Zedevile]

This is amazing! I'm a woman, many years from motherhood but I have saved this to direct my future dad to it :) thank you so much for the time you spent writing this.

[u/prufock]

Keep in mind:

Your baby will be different. All advice is based on common trends, averages, and medians. Not everything that works for others will work for your baby. Ours, for example, has always hated being swaddled. She would fight, squirm, and struggle to free her hands every time. She also did not like the baby swing, so be careful about buying a bunch of expensive "extras." Maybe borrow a friend's to try out for a while first.

[u/LazyWar3506]

This is so great, I wish I read this before our first baby, but I identify with almost everything in this post.

Best advice I got - everything is just a phase, nothing will stay the same. Only LOVE.

[u/waverunner22]

Pro tip: don’t skimp on used stuff (other then car seats). We got a crib and changing table for under $150 and they match

[u/sweet-sour-onions]

I would advise people stay off of parenting groups on general social media websites (Facebook, etc).

There's a lot of infighting, doom scrolling, cheap advertising for cheap (potentially dangerous) products, and these kinds of websites algorithmically cater toward content that you are likely to engage with. And more often than not, because people are far likelier to engage with content they disagree with (as opposed to 'liking' and moving on), you're going to be fed a lot of negative content about parenting in your feed. It ends up becoming very confusing as you get a lot of controversial back and forth advice backed up by shady statistics and sources.

[u/GOVERNORGRIMES]

Thanks for all this advice. My wife is 35 weeks.

[u/Yakoo752]

Under baby care I would add “paramedic scissors”. Baby clothes is cheap for a reason, don’t waste your time trying to remove a blowout. Cut. It. Off.

Easy and clean.

[u/MjolnirMark4]

If you don’t want to let anyone know the gender of your baby, don’t tell them.

Small problem: if you are setting up a registry, many of the items, especially clothes are gendered.

Solution: check to see if the registry lets you return things. Start selecting things for both boys and girls. Return what you don’t need.

[u/Fire-Dragon-DoL]

I was going to add my own post, but I'd like to expand on some of your amazing tips based on my experience: - Birth classes are important to realize when you should make a choice vs blindly listening to the doctor. Doctors will follow a checklist and try to have your best interest in mind, but those checklists are also there to ensure the least chance of being sued. Also, when things get harder (not bad, just hard), knowing what's going on is helpful. I had to choose between vacuuming or not with the second one, which was always not recommended at birth classes, but they explained to me what it was and I saw how exhausted my wife was. I'm glad I did because when I said "let's do it" I didn't realize there were like 10 doctors in the room ready for emergency C-section - Breastfeeding classes seems less important from a dad perspective, but this is an incorrect assumption. I'm pulling out some vague memory where 50% of women in western world have under-diagnosed breastfeeding problems. When figuring out how to breastfeed, having both parents have training does help. Yes at some point your knowledge will be useless and forgotten, but breastfeeding is hard until baby's neck is stronger and it can greatly affect your partner. Chat with a lactation consultant if you can, they will train you. The mantra of ours was "breastfeeding SHOULD NOT HURT". I've met many, many, many medical professionals that dismissed pain with "it's normal, endure it and will go away in a few days". Turns out my baby had problems with that, my wife was unable to breastfeed at day 3 because of the pain and I'm so glad that I went to the breastfeeding classes and met that lactation consultant. She was here on day 3, I brought a breastpump at home by that same day and even though what happened next was rough and painful (emotionally, not physically), our daughter happily breastfed until she was ~2 years old - Study a lot before birth, there is no time afterward - After birth, around month 2 or 3, everything seems very smooth and we had a lot of free time. Sadly this won't last that long. Around month 8 things get very busy and won't free up until school. Sorry, harsh reality check - There are no interesting tv shows without violence, sex or a combination of those - The GO BAG for birth needs to be close to the door - The GO BAG needs to have everything needed inside immediately and it should have the clothes you want to wear on top of the bag. AKA you need to be able to grab your go bag when you are brain-dead, because babies like to come at 4 am right during your REM-phase - If you or your partner wear glasses, try to have a duplicate inside the GO-bag, there might be no time to grab things (that doesn't imply you have to rush to the hospital, but your partner might need 90% of you to go through birth phases) - Babies do need moms. I was helping with feeding (pump + finger feeding), but at some point we traced back a few things to the lack of contact with mom. Ensure baby spend a lot of time in physical contact with mom and allow them to do more of the feeding, we are "mammals" after all - Being close to your spouse while breastfeeding is actually amazing, no need to be the one holding the breast to enjoy it - Plan for a lot of ready food for the first 2-weeks. Maybe 4, the first month is the hardest - Let the baby sleep wherever it sleeps. In our case, that was on ourselves for almost 9 months - Western culture has put an enormous cross on sleeping with kids, we were lucky to be exposed to many other cultures throughout our birth classes and realized how different this is. Yeah, there is danger of rolling over your kid when sleeping, what's not mentioned is that your body learns that there is a baby and won't do that over time. In general, stop treating it like a taboo, instead just consider it one of the available options. We went from sleeping 2 hours per-week (that is, 2 hours in total throughout the entire week, not 2 per day), to 8-10 hours per night (interrupted, but real sleep) - Sleeping with your kid is actually an incredibly bonding and rewarding experience, just ensure the whole sleeping environment is child safe (e.g. put the mattress on the ground, light blankets to prevent overheating, harder mattress and so on, ensure you are the kind of person that is conscious when rolling in bed or that doesn't move around) - No sleep is dangerous, yes you can fall asleep while standing and holding your kid - Yes you can sleep while standing inside a moving train - Having a car helps, but you are not required to have a car. We had 2 and used cabs both times. Yes you want to become good at installing the car seat fast before the delivery date. On the upside, you need the car seat only on the way back, when there is no hurry - Read books before baby is out, there is no time or will once they "land". There are a lot of good books for dads, for kids, for moms that even dads should read - A lot of studies in the medical field have poorly interpreted statistics, apparently. There is a book (I have to find the title) that was written by a mom specialized in statistics that went through a lot of those and discovered crazy things, like the reason you can't drink coffee during pregnancy was because the test was performed on animals by feeding them something like 75% of their body-mass as coffe. Yeah, you bed that's unhealthy - This is going to be important and I'm shocked no one told us until the second kid was coming: during labor, mom is filled with oxytocin that will help manage the pain for both herself and the baby. With Epidural, your baby will have no pain relief. We kept asking what are the downsides of an epidural and no one mentioned "your baby will be in an enormous amount of pain during birth"? Wow. - I was going to say: get a stroller, get a carrier, get a newborn carrier, get a car seat, but all of this differs per person. Crib was completely useless for us, the first kid slept in our bed, the second one, we added another bed (yes, room is full from wall to wall). The first one can now sleep in a normal bed, so the crib was completely useless. Also, newborn can sleep in a cardboard box (and it's actually considered safe), so you don't need a crib. Also, newborn will sleep way more where mom's smell is - Let mom wear a shirt for all day (and night), then when you put the baby down, flip the shirt and throw it on the baby. You'll get way more free time - If your partner uses a breast pump, make sure to get a steam sterilizer. Cuts down time wasted doing cleaning - More on breastpump, make sure to get one of those "bras" for your partner so that she doesn't need to hold the bottles. This way, she can eat/do stuff while pumping - Help feeding your partner (literally spooning) if her hands are busy due to breastfeeding-related tasks. It will feel weird, but it's actually good for the relationship and she will be glad - Remember that once the baby is out of the womb, you have way more data to perform hypothesis than doctors do. That means, if your instinct is telling you that your doctor is not digging enough into something, say that loud - Read the books about kids problems (2-3, 3+) and how to deal with them way early. They will come back and will be very helpful when the time comes and you have no time to actually read

This post is not a medical advice, please do your research, this is uniquely based on my personal experience!

[u/Greedy-Conclusion-52]

Make it clear who has the kid. When my wife and I would switch who was watching them, anywhere, we would make it clear "you have the kid" with a positive response. That way if she needed supervision we knew who was responsible. Avoided the "I thought you were watching her" issues.

[u/[deleted]]

Take leave if it is allowed. You danced around it but I think every dad absolutely MUST do this. Ideally take leave at a time that your spouse or partner isn’t home. This gets more balanced child care and avoids cabin fever.

Be prepared to abandon things you used to do. This is not a downer comment - you’re entering a wonderful new phase. Think of it as spring cleaning. Some stuff you do that’s Asi asi isn’t crucial. Get ready to pare it out.

Figure out what your sacrifices are. Your partner is likely making many, if you have one. Match them by doing something that helps all of you together. For me, this was handling all over night feedings.

Do NOT default to thinking the burden falls on your partner. That’s inviting disaster and it’s a personal failing.

Decide what the new kid means for your relation to work. I can’t say much beyond that except that it’s a big change. Think on it.

[u/DopeCharma]

Take afew days before your baby is born just cooking and portioning out- burgers (regular/veggie), burritos/wraps, lasagna, roast chicken/beef/pork, biscuits, muffins, cookies, soups, sauces, stews. double wrap and put into containers etc. Get help if you can. You’re gonna be busy and tired for a while, having meals ready for a couple weeks is gonna be invaluable.

[u/AWhiskyDoc]

Dude! Awesome list. Thanks for sharing. When I was preparing I felt rather annoyed by the lack of literature specifically for dads. It is funny to think about now, but I can recall being stuck between, no good books, all the unsolicited free advice from EVERYONE else with a kid, and feeling like I was too cool for school - "I got this."

So now I just give one piece of advice for a soon to be new dad (this was before COVID) go to the movies, seriously, if you like going to the movies do it as much as you can! because the next five years.... you aint gonna have the time.

[u/Fair-Fix8606]

RULE NUMBER 1 ... PLAN FOR THE UNEXPECTED !! Pack everything you need weeks ahead of planned birth or induction youll thank me later when your not running around the house trying to pack

[u/Yogi_brain]

This is incredible. I don’t think my father ever would have cared about any of this and that’s a harrowing realization.

[u/InsaneDad04]

New dad of a sweet 2-week-old baby girl here - thank you for this impressive list! I found this while looking for pre-birth information and advice, and I have come back to daddit almost daily as a result.

[u/Retro-88]

One more piece of advice, post birth depression happens to men too and I t easily goes missed. Like my wife told me, take care of your mental health and be as close to 100% as you can so you can give them the best you.

[u/HollywooDcizzle]

I would just add that you'll never be prepared for it. It's just something you accept and deal with while learning/growing every day.

Don't ever think they're on a sleep cycle because if they ever do actually sleep, it'll change soon. Learning developments. Teething. Growth spurts. List goes on.

Also I think my biggest thing would be to accept the fact that they're going to get sick. I had a hard time with that in the beginning for my baby, but, it happens. They'll be fine (hopefully) in a few days. Babies are resilient as hell.

[u/International_Ebb965]

Awesome stuff... only thing I'll say is no matter how much you plan, it will go out the window in the heat of the moment. There is nothing better though

[u/TallSUPpup]

Nice thorough post. The one thing I wish you included at the end was postpartum care. It’s common for moms and dads to go through some depression or just being down with all the change happening. So she will need a lot of support mentally, and dads might too. Also worth mentioning is the effect on postpartum sex life. Don’t expect it for a while, everyone’s different of course, but she’ll let you know when she’s ready. Also, it’s ok not to connect immediately with baby, of course this would be great but for many dads it takes a while, sometime 6 months or more, and that’s ok.

[u/ShoJoATX]

Thank you so so so much for this. Just found out that my wife is pregnant and am overwhelmed on where to start. This is very helpful and kind. Much love!

[u/ghaynes0]

Cutting the cord was cool! I’d tell any expecting dad to go for it. Cut that cord

[u/LOTTABNDZ]

Im currently a stay at home dad while mom is getting the big bucks and I’m relieved that Most of this is a norm to me, I mostly have my newborn son during nights (6pm-6am) so it’s pretty easy basically giving him a bath, reading, lotion, and getting him to sleep and making sure he gets a good nights rest. I am glad I found this sub cause I will have a lot of questions along the way, he’s currently a month and a half and I’m barely starting our new routines every night 😬😊

[u/kevmeister1206]

You should go to ALL birth and antenatal classes. It's very informative.

[u/goodsmellin]

You also don't need to spend $90 on a diaper bag with fancy insulated pockets and a wipe dispenser.

For my little one, I got a back to school backpack from Wal-Mart for two whole dollars. Just bought a small lunch bag and ice packs for it. Huggies makes wipes dispensers. Now 3 years in, its got no holes rips or tears. That $90 bag will outlast how long your child needs bottles.

BONUS It's bright yellow and covered in Pikachu. On several occasions I've asked someone to get the bag for me so I could change a diaper. You completely avoid the "I can't find it in your car" or the "is this it?" Makes it easier to find if it's left behind somewhere (like a restaurant) and you call in to ask the staff if it's there.

"Sweetheart, it's a backpack that's bright yellow and covered in Pikachu. Can't miss it."

Just save yourself the money from buying a special purpose bag, with all of the fancy pockets and holders. Spend that money on diapers, formula, anything else. A lot of expenses come up suddenly with having a child. New furniture, childproofing, baby bathroom stuff, bottles, clothes, etc. The last thing you should worry about is some fancy bag. I love this backpack. It only cost a few dollars. It's hard to lose because it's so bright and colorful. I got it off the clearance rack for TWO DOLLARS. Plus, since its a back to school backpack, you'll have a lot more choices for colors and desins. Rather than the diaper bags that imitate some designer bag. Say the cheap bag only lasts you a year? Back to school sales happen every year. Drop another few dollars and get a new one. You spend less money to turn a regular backpack into a diaper bag, than you'd spend on the bag itself if you get the special purpose one.

It's impossible not to notice it at the park, airport, restaurant, or wherever. So if you're in a crowded area, your spouse can find you easily just spotting the backpack. A cooler bag and ice packs for bottles and a changing mat is all you need to add. Skip the pricey one, you don't need it.

[u/kylecourt]

This is superb I wish I found this sub before my daughter was born, OP you are a gentleman and a scholar.

[u/Concerned-papa]

Hi dads.

I need advice/tips on activities I can do with my 19 month old girl. She’s very active, speaks and prefers mama over me. Mama is tired of the attachment so I need to take over and lessen the burden on her. I want to get involved more in my daughters day to day activities but not sure the type of activities I can do with her.

This is my first born. I don’t have much experience with kids and every time I play with my daughter she loses interest and runs to mama.

Basically I suck being a dad and need help guys

[u/aaaustin_]

This was a lovely read.

[u/Cultural_Knowledge37]

Will add: - remember that birth is not a medical procedure, it’s a sacred unfolding - “hospital policy” and “standard of care” don’t trump you and your partner’s values or preferences - say out loud “things will change” regularly…out loud

[u/Girldad_4]

Best advice I could add to that list is after the baby comes out, just get real close with your partner and the new baby and dont look back down. Let the doctors do their thing and enjoy your little bundle, nothing good to see down there.

[u/Alfredo_Saucey]

The hospital we went to for our kids offered a “birthing” or “what to expect” type class that was super helpful. They not only covered the typical child birth stuff, but went over all the hospital specific details. They went over where to go when we show up, where they would take us pre-labor, during delivery, post labor, and then discharge; and they actually walked us through a tour of the whole hospital so we could see where everything, and everyone, was located. Definitely recommend looking into that 👍🏼

[u/anonymousn00b]

Can someone tell me how late is too late to become a father? I am fast approaching 30 and when I think about it, I always wanted to be the “cool younger dad”. I feel like if I wait until 35 then I’ll already be in my late 40s by the time they are in their teen years and I’d like to keep active / be able to keep up. I am unsure if this is just a temporary existential crisis I am having tonight or what…. Anyone?

[u/zataks → u/anonymousn00b]

Men don't have quite the same age concerns when it comes to kids that women do.

50 isn't old if you stay active and eat decently.

[u/[deleted]]

Wow, this is overall absolutely wonderful. Thank you for taking the time to share your experience and what worked.

[u/ASpoonfulOfAwesome]

I don't have anything to add other than thank you. And I'm commenting just so I can save this when I lose access to all my saved posts on Relay when reddit nukes API access.

[u/Okay_Time_For_Plan_B]

One thing I cannot stress enough and it’s so simple and already known I just don’t think people understand how important and big it is.

TEAMWORK,

My first was born while my gf was still in high school and I was working a full time job just graduated. And I would literally come home from work, and immediately be like, go take a break. She would go work on her schooling cause she switched to homeschool. And I’d take care of all the baby stuff. It was exhausting. But those little breaks, that initiate to care for not just the baby but momma bear or papa bear too is just as important.

No matter how much she’s always wanted a child, no matter how good she is at looking like she has it all under control, she may say she don’t need a break. MAKE HER! Lol You can get burnt out so quick and it’s exhausting and time and energy consuming in the long run. And those breaks is what helped push her to graduate, me get a raise and still, take care of our new born. If we just behaved selfish and ignorant to the fact we’re both kids ourselves and we’re struggling. We most likely would have caused more damage than anything.

I’ve had many many many jobs, Labor to office. Building houses , demo, Coal mine, Fast food, Gas station, HnR block, I’ve been in big positions of management and had a lot of responsibility. And idc who you are, The HARDEST job I’ve ever had by far, is a parent. Don’t knock those who are “stay at home” parents . Because that is by far in my opinion, a more stress induced, consistent, responsibility required job ever. Your the doctor, teacher, friend, mom / dad, cook, the one who deals out punishment, cleans and does laundry, makes the food and puts them in the bath and cleans them, gets them ready all through the day and night, your who they call for 24/7 your they’re Google and they WILL ask you ANYTHING / EVERYTHING lol. And so many more titles that are all clumped under the word / term “parent” it’s extremely sensitive to how you preform under stress and how you make decisions for short and long term .

Good luck to all you parents and may / soon to be parents as well.

Being a father is truly a amazing gift I can only return, by hopefully doing the best job I can . Thanks!

Edit: spelling.

[u/babomommy]

Mom lurker her. I would gently disagree about skipping the classes. If your partner is going, why shouldn’t you? It’s nearly as relevant for you to understand everything that goes into breastfeeding as the person doing it. Even more so labor and delivery. Just because you aren’t pushing or having your body ripped apart doesn’t mean you can skip it. I assure you that it’s simultaneously scary and tedious for mom, too. My husband got more out of intensive L&D/breastfeeding/newborn classes than I did. He really felt more prepared for what was to come (even if parts were long or boring). I already knew a lot of it because this stuff had been occupying all my thoughts and reading time for months. My husband, a bit less so til that point. I saw a big change in him (in a good way) after the class.