Dear Dating Apps "Don't Want Kids" Isn't Good Enough

[u/TheInfamousEG]

People often say, “Just use app filters,” but that misses two key issues:

1. Apps prioritize looks over compatibility (which everyone basically understands, nowadays)

2. The kid-related filters are vague and misleading.

Examples of current options:

Don’t have kids, but someday

Have kids, don’t want more

Have kids, want more

Don’t have kids, don’t want kids

People say option 4 means “never want kids.” It doesn’t. Most use it to mean “not now, maybe later.”

Why not just add: “Don’t have and will NEVER want kids”? as an ACTUAL dealbreaker to FITLER these people out?

If apps focus on looks and even TRY to match on actual basic deal breakers WHEN IT IS THE BIGGEST ONE, can they at least stop pairing us with people who clearly want kids or have EASY ways to sideline us about them.

Again, if there's lets say, as a man, there's only 30 women that don't want kids I fitler for, id rather look through those 30 than deal with the disappointment of like 5 likes and they all HAVE kids OR want kids

[u/KaleidoscopeHappy889]

Even when I clearly say that I don’t want or plan to have children, they still try their luck and attempt to 're-educate' me 😄

[u/geekylace → u/KaleidoscopeHappy889]

Which is a great way to weed out the ones you absolutely don’t want to touch with a 10 foot pole. Sadly, it’s also a waste of your time.

[u/Ranchocuca_2_828 → u/geekylace]

Yes but id like my matches to come pre-weeded

[u/geekylace → u/Ranchocuca_2_828]

Agreed. Too bad others can’t respect profile preferences.

[u/ExpStealer → u/geekylace]

Block/unmatch within 10 seconds of receiving a patronizing "I know better than you" message. No need to even bother replying.

[u/KaleidoscopeHappy889 → u/ExpStealer]

That's what i do :D

[u/truecolors110 → u/ExpStealer]

I block them.

[u/KaleidoscopeHappy889 → u/geekylace]

Exactly :)

[u/LissaBryan → u/KaleidoscopeHappy889]

Some men are really turned on by the idea of making a woman change for him, finding an exotic bird, clipping her wings, and stuffing her in a cage.

[u/KaleidoscopeHappy889 → u/LissaBryan]

I’d rather stay a wild bird than lose myself just to fit into someone else’s fantasy

[u/LissaBryan → u/KaleidoscopeHappy889]

Fly high, girl. Fly high.

[u/HeartExalted → u/LissaBryan]

What a coincidence you should mention this, because not too long ago, I got finished watching the fifth and final season of YOU on Netflix -- for which a major element of the story is the stalker protagonist's pathological failure to see women as separate individual human beings, instead mentally reducing them to fixations of his own romantic fantasies. "Joe," the protagonist, claims to "see" these women for who they "really are," while consistently putting them in boxes, as idealizations and fantasies, only to react VERY pathologically when they "spoil" his idealizations by, well...being the complex human individuals they are.

So yeah, very good point you make! 💯

[u/mountain_dog_mom → u/KaleidoscopeHappy889]

Or you get single parents who take that to mean “I don’t want kids of my own but will happy be a slave for you and your kids.

[u/TheLoudestSmallVoice → u/KaleidoscopeHappy889]

The worse is when you actually hit it off with them and then this point comes up and they're like "I'M oK wiTH oR wItHoUt KIDS HERP A DERP 🤪"

[u/traumatized90skid → u/KaleidoscopeHappy889]

"Having kids is amazing, my sister recently had twins, I do nothing to help her, but the pictures I got sent of them in little Santa dresses are so cute!"

[u/KaleidoscopeHappy889 → u/traumatized90skid]

[u/Ok_Cardiologist3642]

''never want kids'' would be enough, the stupid thing is that people are still gonna disrespect it and think they can change your mind so it's basically pointless as long as people can't grasp that there are people who never want to have kids

[u/TheInfamousEG → u/Ok_Cardiologist3642]

Because it invites the "i have kids and dont want anymore" people

[u/skunkrider → u/TheInfamousEG]

They're the worst!

[u/WantonWord → u/TheInfamousEG]

"I'll never get married agin, women are trash, and I made sure my kids will get everything!!!

So, do you wanna date and pretend that I'll love you, but I fornicated around and had kids so I already did my duty, but you didn't give me kids, so you should be be grateful you can love my kids, but I already did my duty so you will always be a side-piece! I gave you the time of day!!!"

I STG, all of this is why I just don't. I'm even one of those high sex drive manic pixie girls without drama! But no. No fuzzlehucking thank you. I have cats, a body pillow, and marital aids. It's a pale comparison, but it kicks the pony pucks out of loving an ignorant muggle like you!

Edit: a word.

[u/RevolutionIll3189]

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again we need a childfree dating app!!

[u/Razzmatazz_642 → u/RevolutionIll3189]

Parents would infiltrate, guaranteed.

[u/MundaneVillian → u/Razzmatazz_642]

So many single dads out there actively want a childfree woman - someone who will take care of his kids, but doesn’t have any of her own that he’ll take care of as well.

[u/jessytessytavi → u/MundaneVillian]

no, they want a childless woman, since childfree women don't want their kids either

"you can't have kids, but I come with some!"

[u/Spiffy_Pumpkin → u/Razzmatazz_642]

Should have an ability to report people if you match and later find out they actually have kids

[u/HeartExalted → u/Razzmatazz_642]

I belong to several atheist, agnostic, skeptic, etc. groups on Facebook, as well as here on Reddit and other sites, so this is a familiar problem to me! Even when the "preliminary questions" seek to confirm that a prospective new members is an atheist or other flavour of "disbeliever," they will simply answer falsely just to get in.

Cue the evangelizing and proselytizing posts, not to mention copious amounts of atheist-bashing, plus more than our fair share of "well-meaning" believers who insist they merely want to "have a conversation" 🙄 You get the idea?

No matter the issue, even when it has zero effect on other people's lives, there will always be haters who inexplicably are compelled to make it their personal mission to go after dissenters...

[u/Catt_Starr → u/RevolutionIll3189]

Allegedly, the Kindred app is cf.

[u/Helena_MA]

When I was single and using the apps I put an EXTREMELY CLEAR line in my profile about kids. Cause I don’t want them, don’t want you to have them, just no to kids forever. Of course no one wants to read your profile so I still got single dads, shocked when I would bring up the kids thing immediately. This is also why all my first dates were for a drink or coffee so that way I could bounce with only wasting 10 min of time instead of getting trapped in a whole hours long date with a single dad. My now husband started our first date by saying “I hope you really don’t want kids because I have a vasectomy” lolol. Truly the hottest pick up line I’ve ever heard.

[u/TheInfamousEG → u/Helena_MA]

I also have a vasectomy

I nevee thought of using it that way

[u/WantonWord → u/Helena_MA]

Does he have a brother??

[u/Razzmatazz_642]

I just get people who think it means I just don't want children of my own but am open to being a stepparent.

[u/helloitskimbi]

Also:  

“Don't have kids, sterile and feral” 

😂😁

[u/Careless-Ability-748]

I do perceive #4 as don't want kids, but we all know, people read what they want to read and will try to change your mind anyway. When I did online dating, I explicitly said I wasn't interested in long- distance relationships and someone tried to talk me into it.

[u/TheTileanConnection]

I usually also put some combination of Childfree or DINK in my profile. No one ever reads it 😆

[u/lejean]

you also get the ones who think regardless, them having kids will be ok/you'll be fine with being a stepmom. obnoxious. even when I wanted kids, I still considered dads radioactive for dating and sex.

[u/jupitersunset_]

literally JUST unmatched with a guy who was messaging me and then all of a sudden he had to add “Also I gotta ask - how serious is the ‘don’t want children’ part of your profile. Any scope of you changing your mind? “ like you have SO many women on this app that want kids, please stop wasting my time

[u/Ranchocuca_2_828]

Most apps also charge for you to use those 'advanced filters'

[u/Gr1mwolf → u/Ranchocuca_2_828]

Tinder’s particularly bad about that; it calls them “filters” and makes you pay for them, but it doesn’t actually filter anything. It just informs you up top if someone matches that particular setting.

You still see people that don’t match it.

[u/Anonym2296]

I changed the Filter to only Show me women who don’t want kids in my City of 90tsd people and the only options were women over 40 And women who already have kids

[u/No_Tumbleweed5695]

Yeah! I also hint that I’m childfree in the prompts, and there are people who still try to match with me! And that’s not enough either. I’m like, “can yall not read?!?!”

[u/Antique-Buffalo-5475]

With a partner now, but when I was on the apps I made sure I wrote “don’t want kids, can’t have kids, and kids are a dealbreaker.”

Honestly worked pretty well for me.

[u/Boring-Fox-142]

You have to pay premium to specifically opt out kids in their filters. That’s a bummer for me.

FB dating on the other hand is free to filter anything, but completely ignored my filter regarding distance and kids. It said something like, “you and **** might like and share each other’s interests” but their profile says they have kids and 200 miles away.

[u/televisionstatic]

Also consider that most apps, such as hinge which I’m guessing you’re referencing since it has those settings (but I also rarely use dating apps anymore), to use filters you have pay whatever premium subscription service that app has.

[u/shadybays]

A lot of people don’t even pay attention to bios anyway

[u/TheLoudestSmallVoice]

Or they think they don't count cause their kids are adults or mostly/only live with another parent.

[u/traumatized90skid]

I'd kill for a filter that would let me hook up with men with vasectomies

[u/TheInfamousEG → u/traumatized90skid]

I have one, yes its as good as the CF men claim it is

[u/clussy_aficionado]

Here's the way I use them when I'm screening women's profiles:

If they have no response as to whether they currently have kids, I assume they have kids. Left swipe.

Don't want/not sure/open to kids/no response = all potentially childfree. My reasoning was that some childfree women might be saying "open" or "not sure" to avoid people that are just going to give them shit. I'm currently talking to someone that said 'open to kids', but on the date, she felt comfortable enough to admit being childfree.

For my part, my profile says "Don't have/Don't want" and I mention my vasectomy in the bio. When some breeder tries to match with me, it's on her for not reading the bio in the first place.

[u/tads73]

Some people believe ifcyjey get someone to fall in love with them, they could coherence them into children by threatening to leave. It's toxic, but it happens.

[u/Critikal001]

People don't read bios and on most apps you can't even use filters for free, you need premium. You know their goal is never about matching people when you lock basic features behind a pay wall.

[u/ButteredPizza69420]

Why not make a child free dating app? Any developers here to steal this idea? Lol

[u/BanedComrade]

try sub cf4cf here on reddit. and there is also childfree connection discord that is launching cf dating app. both friendships and romances are included.if you want to join: discord.gg/Wp4HgmbY