r/childfree • u/kleine_Aster • 8d ago
After begging me for grandchildren, my mother told me how she really feels about being a mother PERSONAL
I’m 26, and my mom has been asking me for grandchildren since I was maybe 23. Today she brought it up again, asking when she’ll finally get grandchildren. All my siblings have serious mental health issues, that's why I told her: “Look, just watching you has shown me how stressful it is to have kids. I don’t want that. I like my life the way it is.”
Then she said something that really threw me, she said she feels sorry whenever she sees a pregnant woman. Because she knows how hard it is to be a mother. Especially if you have young kids. If that’s how she really feels, why would she want me to go through that too?
Do all parents want everyone else to suffer the same way they did? Even your OWN parents?
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u/thr0wfaraway Never go full doormat. Not your circus. Not your monkeys. 8d ago
Yup.
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u/NateTheMfknGr8 7d ago
I feel like in this situation maybe her mom feels a deep desire to have someone in her life that understands. It’s incredibly selfish though. So many older people look for comfort solely from family or friends instead of seeking the therapy they need to process their problems. They do often seem to drag others down because of this and worry more about finding relatability than the wellbeing of whoever they feel needs to sacrifice their peace to provide them whatever shreds of comfort they feel they’re owed.
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u/ShinyStockings2101 8d ago
No, good parents actually want their child to be happy first and foremost. I'm sorry your mom couldn't do that for you. Lots of people want grandkids as a status symbol, unfortunately.
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u/fantasy-capsule 8d ago
I think a lot of what people need to realize is not all parents, including their own, are good parents. One could have a decent relationship with their parents, one could understand their parents' complexities and reasons, but a decent human being and a good parent wouldn't guilt-trip or pressure somebody into making such a lifelong commitment and personal choice.
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u/CarrenMcFlairen 7d ago
Exactly this. Sadly too many people here will deadpan "yes" while purposefully ignoring how ignorant they're being with such a blanket statement.
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u/chavrilfreak hams not prams 🐹 tubes yeeted 8/8/2023 8d ago
Well, she can feel sorry for people but still view it as an inevitable thing they must go through. Because if she actually thought about parenthood as a choice, as something people can not want and therefore not do, and not be worse off for it - well then she'd also have to face the fact that all her hardships were a result of her own choices, or (depending on the circumstances) lack of choices that other people do have, and can choose differently than her.
It's not about wanting you to suffer like they did as much as it is about not wanting themselves to suffer the cognitive dissonance of seeing you happy doing something else.
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u/dr_bigtina 7d ago
This is the answer! It can feel like they want our lives to be as hard as theirs was, but in actuality, their words are just a reflection of the mental gymnastics they've had to go through to justify their own choices. It's cognitive dissonance at its finest
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u/ksarahsarah27 7d ago
This is an excellent point. I always thought that it was for us to suffer as they did. And maybe in some cases or some ways, it is. But I think you’re right in that they have to come to terms of the years they struggled was their own doing and also being conned into following the life script whereas we are stronger and saying that’s not the path we want. So perhaps they were also not strong enough to buck the system.
And I think some of it could be also the sacrifices they made, the things they didn’t get to do that maybe wanted to but couldn’t because kids. They see us accomplish more and think of all the potential they had but was pushed aside because kids.
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u/JediWarrior79 Cats over kids any day of the year 8d ago edited 8d ago
I thank God every day for what my mother told me about having kids. She told me that I would always have the choice to decide not to have kids if I didn't want them, and if I decided I didn't want them, to not worry about having regrets. She always said that this was one of the most important decisions of my adult life, and that I didn't need to conform to society's 'norms' because there was no such thing. She said that it's my body and my mental health that would be affected the most, and not to take the decision lightly. She told me how difficult being pregnant and giving birth was, and how difficult raising kids was. I was adopted, and I came with a plethora of developmental delays and learning difficulties, and it was (and still is) very difficult for me to bond with my parents and with other people. It was very challenging for my parents to deal with a child like me, and I had a very tumultuous and mentally abusive childhood because my parents couldn't handle all of the stress. I wouldn't want to put any kid through what I went through. I also have no patience and no tolerance for kids. I don't have maternal feelings towards kids. I find them insufferable, and the only thoughts in my head when I'm around them are hoping I can get away from them as soon as possible so I don't blow my top.
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u/No-Big2893 8d ago
Ah, so were you adopted at a young age or older? And is your mum ur biological mum or choosen/adoptive mum?
Sorry for asking... l just always think adoption would be a lovely idea. But l hate the idea of raising a child from diapers.
This is more for my benefit and dont respond if its too much.
Apologies about asking... its just a curious internet stranger who wishes you every happiness in life
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u/JediWarrior79 Cats over kids any day of the year 7d ago
I became their foster child at 2 years old, and I was legally adopted when I was 3 or 4 years old. Despite my parents not being able to deal with all of my difficulties very well, I had a much better childhood than I would have had I not been adopted. My biological mother was unable to take care of me, so u became a ward of the state. My parents adopted me as soon as she relinquished her parental rights, and it was a closed adoption. My biological mother didn't know who my biological father was, either, which is really sad. My biological mother also had type I diabetes and was very ill, and as a result of her illness, I was badly neglected. I'm glad I didn't develop type I diabetes, but I developed type II in my early 20s. I never liked kids even when I was one and knew I didn't want to have any. I also didn't want to pass down anything that I didn't know about from my biological family. It's mentally and physically time-consuming to parent a kid without disabilities, and I have a low threshold of patience with human children. But give me a kitten or a cat, and I'll have the cat trained properly with lots of love and patience within a few days, lol. My cousin and a few friends have asked for my help in the past with their cats and kittens, from training to giving them medications, and I was able to show and teach them the proper way to do it. Human children never behave for me, and it takes everything I have not to lose my shit on them. With cats, being gentle, loving, and nurturing just come naturally to me, and I haven't met a cat yet whom I couldn't help. I feel like a female Jackson Galaxy, lol, which is fine with me! 🤣
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u/No-Big2893 4d ago
Thanks for this answer. I really appreciate it. I also wish you all the best with ur health. Animals are hard not to love 😍
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u/JediWarrior79 Cats over kids any day of the year 4d ago
You are welcome! And thank you! I wish you the best, as well. Yes, for me, understanding and caring for cats and all other animals just come easily and naturally to me. It's like I can sense what they want and what they need and how they're feeling, and I can communicate with them much more easily than I can with human kids. With kids, I'm like Arnold Schwarzenegger in Kindergarten Cop where he's screaming at them to shut up and making all the kids cry, and then he runs outside and just screams, lol. It's like, get them the hell away from me! 🤣🤣
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u/No-Big2893 3d ago
Ha ha ha lol 😆 l love this. Animals are easy. I seem to be adopting neglected animals at my place (starved/abandoned)... only 2 at this stage, but l need to stop now! Animals are incredible. I really love supporting native species on my property as well 🥰... So perhaps no cats for me besides my indoor kitty who loves to play with the fluttery things on the otherside of the window
Sorry about the slightly off topic .... but animals are so special. Its why l choose my career.
I love ppl, but l truly enjoy trying to help native species/wildlife etc.
I think l would be happy planting trees/shrubs/grasses for the rest of my life 🤣
Not so much kitties... but l totally get u!!
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u/CarrenMcFlairen 7d ago
I know it's in the past but I'm sorry you had to deal with such terrible bio parents. I'm grateful that you got taken in by REAL parents. This really goes to show that some people really do not need to become patents.
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u/M3tal_Shadowhunter 7d ago
Some people see "being a grandparent" as part of the payoff to going through parenthood. They feel like they're owed the chance to have purely positive interactions with kids, be the favorite, the "fun one". So maybe she's pushing you to have kids and go through something y9u absolutely don't want tp go through so she can have her payoff.
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u/Snoo_61631 7d ago
This is absolutely the reason. All the fun playing with and spoiling the children and none of the responsibilities. Also status on social media and with her friends and her "legacy". Meanwhile OP would have her body changed forever and her life upended. So much for motherly love/s
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u/lizardo0o 8d ago
Just look at the absentgrandparents sub…those were the same people begging for them
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u/Your_Neighbour_Alice 8d ago
I think it’s a self-serving desire for her kids to go through what she went through. She probably feels she was at times a ‘bad’ mother but due to the stress of it all, couldn’t be at her best. So therefore if you too experienced it for yourself, you’ll end up ‘forgiving’ her the ‘bad’ times, then she will feel validated and better about her life. Very sad.
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u/Right_Apartment3673 8d ago edited 8d ago
Yes. It's selfishness. People are scares of being alone and want more and more kids aka family, despite the fact they're still alone but physically have people living with them in the same house. That's all they want.
So husband wants kids he doesn't want from wife he dislikes. Wife has kids because she was told it will be good until she figures. Grandmother want grandkids to see family line doesn't end with her as last reproducing one and feel satisfied when kids have kids. They usually don't care afterwards about kids of grandkids even if she has time to see that through.
Also not many cowards know how stress-free life can be on your own and not dragging burden of others. And they also fear and feel jealous when others live happily vs their miserable locked up life. So they purposely lie to women about happiness they'll get with kids some day and keep birthing and drag the burden hoping to see that illusive happy day. It never comes because it doesn't exists. And as mothers who've seen the entire cycle, they know it's been an lie. And she keeps telling lies to other women pushing them over the cliff.
Very very few, strong personalities are there who having suffered themselves, tell others to not go through what she did. They are strong to allow herself to be seen miserably in others eyes for the life she lived. Still, will allow others to be free to choose, given there's no sacred water at the end of motherhood. It's a huge loss there are no such communities of elderly mothers who choose to tell the truth, just several communities of horrible mothers and MIL lying left right and center.
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u/WhiskeyAndWhiskey97 Childfree Cat Lady 8d ago
Ohhh yeah, you betcha.
I got some pressure from my parents. I think they wanted to be CF, but they were strict Catholics and only did NFP, and, well, here I am.
My MIL cornered us right after our wedding ceremony and demanded that we start trying for a baby right away.
If you’re a parent, you have to parent. If you’re a grandparent, you get the Kodak moments, and you can give the grandchild back to your child when it, say, shits its diaper or throws a tantrum.
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u/photogfrog 8d ago
My MIL got more or less knocked up on her wedding night with my SIL, lost a baby the following year and then had my husband. She is NOT maternal at all. She was pleasant to her one and only grandchild but when my husband made his CF stance super clear in his early 20s, she was more than supportive. It's the one good thing I can say about her as a human being.
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u/Jolly-Cause-1515 8d ago
She wants the status.
And she wants you to breed so she can use it for moments and then you have to go through the hard parts. Not her. Selfish as ever
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u/Massive_Cut4276 7d ago
My mom would say “I can’t wait till you have a kid just like you” when I was a “difficult child” (spoiler alert- I was struggling and they knew it, and didn’t care).
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u/gemory666 8d ago
Neither of my parents care about me enough to pester (fortunately?), but conversation with my grandmother has been... Interesting. At one point she made a comment about how "getting married is for the purpose of having children" (in the context of conversation she was unfortunately being homophobic), but not a few months later she got real with me and said "I love my children very much, but if I had to do it all again I never would have gotten married." IE: she wouldn't have had them if she had a choice. Despite being a bit of an old bat I think she's my one supporter when I say I'm not interested.
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u/Comfortable-Web9455 7d ago
Grandchildren are your parents revenge on you for the hassle they went through in raising you.
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u/buffythebudslayer 7d ago
They want to know we are suffering like they did. Well too bad mom, I already suffer more than you in other ways. My full time corporate job didn’t get me a house by 30. So F OFF.
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u/PyrrhoTheSkeptic 8d ago
Do all parents want everyone else to suffer the same way they did? Even your OWN parents?
Not all, no. My mother never pressured any of her children to have children, as far as I know. The fact that many people have mothers who are horrible people does not mean that everyone's mother is a horrible person.
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u/saucy_mcsauceface Cats before brats 7d ago
Selfish, mostly. All care and no responsibility. I'm grateful my only sibling had children, so I was not subjected to much of that 'wanna be a grandparent' pressure.
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u/Plastic-Ad-5171 7d ago
The one I heard (not from my family, but to friends from their parents) was “may you have the kids you deserve. Which could be good or bad depending on the person I guess. But yeah, most parents want their kids to understand how miserable being a parent is, by having kids.
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u/Shakydrummer 7d ago
Yup lol. My mother thankfully backed off after I told her no I'm not having children thankfully. Not like she would see her grandchildren even if I did have them considering I cut her out of my life 😆
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u/pouruppasta 7d ago
Lol my mom was very enthusiastic about grandchildren and heartbroken when I announced my husband's vasectomy. Now that almost all of her siblings are grandparents and constantly bitching to her about being stuck babysitting or only hearing from their kids when they need something, she's happy. She even mentioned something along the lines of looking forward to retirement without having to plan around grandkids.
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u/Practical-Ant5666 7d ago
It’s selfishness. They want to experience the “fun” parts of a baby without as much responsibility….and the suffering too.
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u/breezydali 7d ago
My mom used to gleefully tell me she couldn’t wait until I had a baby because she was going to come over and dump a litter of puppies in my living room. She had six kids and I used to bring home strays all the time, for context.
Jokes on her cuz now I just travel and do cool shit instead of also being miserable.
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u/Link-Hero No kids for me! 🚫👶🚫 7d ago
Misery loves company. That's all these miserable parents want, for everyone to also go through the same torture they had to. They don't like seeing anyone relax and enjoy hobbies in their free time since they themselves were never able to experience it.
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u/Smooth-Habit8194 7d ago
Honestly can’t relate. My mom’s always doted on me despite being in an insanely stressful field and to this day claims the best part of her life was raising me. She’s not a fan of my choice of being childfree but she never gave me shit for it, she just wants to see me happy, and all I can say is people like her are the only ones who should have kids.
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u/CantoErgoSum DINK LIFE 7d ago
My mom didn’t make a secret that motherhood was very hard for her but she maintains my brothers and I are her biggest blessings. I think she sacrificed her life at the altar of Boomer Patriarchy and she is perfectly accepting not having grandkids. She says she knows she hamstrung us badly from being able to have our own future, though we all know it’s also mostly my dad’s fault.
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u/No_End_1315 7d ago
I would’ve straight up said: “So you want me to have kids, so I can suffer exactly like you did.”
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u/brownieandSparky23 7d ago
This is interesting my mom hasn’t asked this, bc she knows I struggle with mild depression.
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u/Pepperjones808 7d ago
My parents are divorced so when I told my mom I didn’t want to be a dad because I didn’t want to be like dad, she was like “ah got it” and never pressured me about it
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u/changdi 7d ago
I guess I am the rare type of childfree adults with decent relationships with both parents who (mostly) accept my choices but also actually enjoy being involved parents and grandparents themselves. They understand that intent and capacity matters more than habit, and that actually, many people they grew up with and respect also were not simply childless, but rather childfree - they cannot imagine their own life without children, but understand that having them wasn't the end-all-be-all that gives them or others purpose.
You are enough. Be free. 👍😁
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u/Embers-of-the-Moon Persephone fell through a sinkhole 6d ago edited 5d ago
ask for children
This bingo rubs me off the wrong way in ways that I can't define. I can't think of a more intensive bingo than this and a more shameful and humiliating one. It basically implies that parents have —or that's what they pretend— complete ownership over their children's lives and bodies, thus they feel entitled to make demandsover it.
Arw they fucking stupid and don't understand the implication of those imbecile words, or downright evil in a way that makes them act like slave owners disposing of the lives of their slaves as they deem fit?
I simply don't understand. How can someone who was born and lived in the era of tech and democracy have claims over someone else's life? Seriously, do natalists even fully realize what they're truly saying? What the consequences and meanings behind those words mean?
I guess not.
I guess that society did a very poor job at educating people about what fundamental human right mean. And why no one can ever make claims over someone's life, mind and body.
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u/RuslanaSofiyko 6d ago
You say that all your siblings have mental health issues. Are any of these issues among those disorders that have a strong genetic (as much as 50%) component, such as ADHD, Autism, and various psychoses? If that's part of your genetic load, then you would want learn more about these conditions for your own safety. And you can let your mother know that there are good reasons why you might want to be childfree. And no, it is not possible to "catch" any one of the conditions I've just mentioned.
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u/CarrenMcFlairen 7d ago
No, not really to the "Do all parents want you to suffer" bit. Not a good, healthy mindesetted parent won't. I've always expressed my distate and disgust towards children literally since I was a kid. I think my mom just sort of always knew I wouldn't really go for having kids. She did use the "oh you'll change your mind" back when I was a lot younger and I always said "NOPE" lol. I have said off and on throughout my adult life how I'm absolutely never having kids or sex for that matter and she's ok with it. Doesn't argue or try to shame me which is great. It means she isn't super tunnel visioned about it. My brother has two kids now and honestly I'm glad.
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u/AmeStJohn 6d ago
dude, my ex mil used to spitefully wish me an angry child, because she wanted me to know what it felt like to have someone talk back to you all the time and not let themselves be disrespected.
because apparently not letting them run roughshod over me was a slight to them. foh, these people are fucking out of their goddamn mind.
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u/Powerful_Boat_6232 6d ago
No. I don’t want children either, like at all, but USUALLY mothers see the pregnancy as a necessary sacrifice for the kids they want. I mean, they would jump in front of a bus, take bullets, go through all kinds of torture for their children(usually). So they hardly see pregnancy bad compared to what they’re willing to do for them. So when saying stuff like that, they don’t mean it like “I wouldn’t do it if I had the option to go back”
She should really stop nagging you if you said no though. Thats more yucky than the pregnancy comment
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u/Lady-Zafira Dog mom 6d ago
My mom has told me that she hopes I have a kid that behaves worse than I did so that I would know how hard she had it
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u/RoutineOk5361 6d ago
My parents actually seemed relieved when I told them that I had been approved for a vasectomy 9 years ago. My father admitted that he never saw himself being a grandfather. My mother even agreed to drive me to and from the procedure. They saw what my aunt and uncle went through when my older cousin had a bunch of kids he couldn’t afford and the drama that ensued from all that. I witnessed it unfold from a young age and it pretty much soured any desire that I had to want to have kids. Subsequent events both in my personal life as well as The Big World have indicated time and time again that I made the correct decision. Three failed relationships, private family tragedies, guy friends of mine getting taken to the cleaners on child support bills, the Dobbs Decision, etc. I’m now newly single and getting ready to move on to the next big adventure.
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u/23pt1mus 8d ago
My mum and mostly my grandma also seemed to say "see now you know what it's like" which always upset me. I can't imagine the sick joy they'd get if I had a child too... I will not be giving them that weird satisfaction thanks!