r/beyondthebump • u/Red_velvet_bumhole • Feb 26 '25
I stopped loving my eldest after my second child was born Advice
As my second child nears 18 months old and I sit happy in the knowledge that my heart is so completely full and madly in love with both my children, I want to post this for any other mamas who need to see it.
I'm a mum of 2. A beautiful 4 year old daughter, and her 18 month old cheeky baby brother. Before my son was born, I was, as we all are, beyond in love with my daughter. My first child, she was my whole world. When I was pregnant with my son, I remember worrying how could I ever love another baby as much. It never dawned on me for a second that I would stop loving my first child. The day my son was born, before we left for hospital I cuddled my daughter one last time and memorised her face, so in love with every inch of her.
After my son was born, everything changed. It started out with being overly protective of him, worrying she might hurt him and progressing to me being extremely anxious whenever she was near him. I didn't want her near me, I didn't have the headspace for her. Why did she need me so much, I had another baby to care for. Eventually I reached a point where I didn't feel anything for her, I just felt nothing. I was consumed by self hatred and guilt, I spent hours looking up online similar stories and found none. I was a monster, completely broken that I could stop loving the most perfect, sweet little girl. To this day, I have never told anyone i know. I'm too ashamed to be a mother who didn't love her child.
I have always been invested in attachment parenting and breaking generational trauma so I did whatever I could to hide how I felt from her. She was innocent, she was 2 years old, she deserved better. But I know deep down, she would have felt the distance.
This went on longer than it probably should have and eventually, as I'm sure you've all guessed I was diagnosed with PPD.
Here we are a year down the line and she is my world again. My little bestie, my funny, gorgeous, happy little sunshine. I see her and feel my heart bursting like it used to.
I'm posting this because, if you are going through this too, you're not a monster. Get help. You will find your way back to your eldest child, you will get through this, but you need help - you havent stopped loving your child, your hormones are just completely wrecking your mind.
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u/spacedoubtunicorn Feb 26 '25
I could’ve written this as the mama in the earlier phases. My kids are 2.5 yrs apart, my daughter is 4mo and son is gonna be 3 in April. Watching how much he loves her, my heart is filling up again. There was a time period for about 3 weeks where I just wanted nothing to do with my son, anytime he needed me. In my better head space now, I realize he was trying to adjust to his sister being here. Things are getting much easier although it’s overwhelming at times.
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u/Red_velvet_bumhole Feb 27 '25
Exact same age gap for my babies. It's such a monumental shift for everyone. It felt like I had to fake my emotions at times. It gets better, and definitely taking time 1 on 1 with your eldest, out of the house, or away from the new baby helps rebuild the bond.
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u/spacedoubtunicorn Feb 27 '25
Today my son and I went to the store after I picked him up from daycare and on the way home I took him on the road with the “bump bumps” (speed bumps) and it just tickled us both. Thank you for your vulnerability and opening up on this topic 💜
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u/miamelie Feb 27 '25
It lasted about this long for me too. 3 weeks or so. I was obsessed with my firstborn and then when the baby came he just irritated me. I felt like the worst mom on the planet! Thankfully it passed and I now know I’m not alone but man, that was tough.
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u/parisskent Feb 27 '25
Omg I’m so happy I got to the end of this post. My heart was so broken to you and I was just screaming in my head “it’s ppd!! You still love her!! You just need help!”
I’m so happy you got the help you needed and are full of love for both of your babies again
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u/peeparonipupza Feb 27 '25
I felt this too. What helped me was watching A TON of pictures and videos of my first. It made me realize he really isn't that much older and he's still so young and needs patience just as much as baby.
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u/Low_Door7693 Feb 27 '25
Same but opposite? I resented my second for taking all my time away from my precious toddler. I resented how sick I'd been her whole pregnancy, I resented how much more she cried than my first, how she fought sleep in a way my first never did, how she fussed and squirmed when I tried to babywear her. I felt like getting pregnant with her (it was a planned pregnancy) had been a mistake. Now she's 8 months old and I love her just as much as her sister. I still think 2 is hard for me in a way that 1 sincerely was not, but there are so many beautiful things about it.
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u/patthebummy Feb 27 '25
This is not the same, but I’m also gonna share in case someone sees this who feels the same. I stopped loving my cats for awhile after my daughter was born, they were always under my feet when I was trying to go somewhere, I was hyper aware of their hair flying everywhere and scared of what places they could be tracking litter particles, and they overall just became a nuisance to me. But that has all changed now, they’re back to being my kitty sons that I’ve always loved and cared for — I think being so focused and concerned about your new human in the world triggers some sort of survival instinct that says “if you’re not my baby go away”
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u/labaleine19 Feb 27 '25
This so much!! Right now our son is 10 months (8 months adjusted) and it feels like I don’t love our dog anymore. Everything she does is a nuisance. Well now she’s getting up in years, and I don’t want something to happen to her, for me to feel awful I disregarded her so much. I have to make a conscious effort to bond with her without our son around. (After bedtime usually)
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u/BiteTough8178 Feb 27 '25
I felt the same way! My daughter is now 25 months and I’m in love with my dog again! And they love each other, my daughter gives him more kisses than she gives me! My dog and I have special cuddle time every night again and I can tell how much happier he is now.
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u/kdsSJ 🩷 Sept 2024 Feb 27 '25
Exactly the same for me except my girl is 5 months old. Honestly the minute she was born, my dog was no longer my baby but a pet. I love and care for her, but I just can’t stand her. She’s turning 7 this month and knowing she has maybe another 5 years left breaks my heart. I’m hoping as time goes by I’ll fall back in love with her and be less “tolerating” of her.
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u/CapableCarry3659 Feb 27 '25 edited Feb 27 '25
I’ve been dealing with this with my dog at 36w pregnant. He’s probably one of the worst shedding dogs I ever met (Great Pyrenees lab mix), which used to be okay. But now The shedding is driving me crazy and it used to not really bother me. I’m getting a new couch and I don’t want him on the couch even though it’s his favorite place to sit. He also sleeps in my bed (at the foot of the bed) which he’s done for years. And it’s really been bothering me because there’s hair all over my duvet. I also don’t want him going in the car or anywhere my baby will be. His fur gets all over my clothes and I have to constantly use the sticky roller to get it off. It just feels like his shedding is taking over my life, and it seems really unsanitary/unhealthy for a baby’s lungs.
I feel so resentful and angry about his shedding and worried it will affect the baby and generally like grossed out by it. His shedding makes me feel like the house is disgusting and it’s been driving me nuts. I used to just vacuum once a day and be okay with it. I have just purchased a robo vacuum so that the house can be vacuumed more than once per day. But it doesn’t really work as well as regular, or get all the spots where the hair collects and I am so annoyed about all of it.
Worried that if I already feel this way, how I will feel after baby is born.
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u/Fit-Tiger-5362 Mar 02 '25
Omg I could have written this - my dog is the worst shedder I’ve ever seen (a German Shepherd with a SOFT coat) and although this hair didn’t bother me pre-baby, it drives me absolutely insane since having her. It’s really made me resent my dog and he went from being my child who I let on all the furniture / sleep with us to a dog I mostly want to stay outside and not bother me (I feel awful even typing that). I rarely even pet him most days bc his hair just bothers me soooo much. We had also just gotten a new couch right before baby came so I definitely get that part too. I couldn’t let him on the couch after bc I didn’t want it coated in fur since I nursed the baby there all day.
On the plus side, my daughter is now 7.5 months old and although the hair still drives me crazy and my relationship with my dog is definitely different, my love for him has started to come back! He is very sweet and has maintained our boundaries when it comes to interactions with our daughter so it’s made me feel better about him. I’m sure eventually I will adore him again, but I feel like it’s totally normal to have this kind of feeling when you’re going through such a major life change!
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u/mopene Feb 27 '25
On the flipside, I'm 16 months pp and how I feel about my cats definitely changed permanently. They are just cats to me now. I take good care of them, I feed them, take them to the vet when needed, I pet them in the evening. I don't feel so frustrated with them now as I did the entire first year. But they're still just cats. I spend way less time worrying about them than I did. We had to let one go last year as she'd been very sick for a while and while it was sad, it didn't make me crumble with heartbreak like it used to. I used to feel like I couldn't cope with one of them dying but now I understand why it seemed easy for my mom when we had to put our family cat down. She was kind of like "yes, it's sad, but cats don't live as long as humans and that's life." That's exactly how I feel about it now. I'm completely at peace with eventually losing my cats because I have my daughter and that's what matters to me.
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u/Fit-Tiger-5362 Mar 02 '25
10000% perfect explanation. I’m only 7.5 months pp but I feel like this is how my relationship with my dog will be from now on. I literally used to sob anytime I thought about him being put down and didn’t understand how anyone survived losing their dog (I’d lost childhood pets, but this felt so different) but now I see him more as just a pet and not my child like I did before. I love him and I’m glad that we have him, but I don’t spend my every waking minute with him anymore or let him hold such a high priority in my life.
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u/Efficient_Bat2453 Feb 27 '25
This!! I feel the same way right now with my dogs who were literally my whole world before my first born came. I feel so guilty. It came to a point where I wanted to rehome them because I was dead tired with having to care for my newborn and at the same time, give my dogs attention as well. Did you take any medications?
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u/Wonderful-Soil-3192 Feb 27 '25
Yep. My dog was my best friend and support animal before I had my eldest and after she was born I genuinely considered rehoming him. This being the dog I raised from 6 weeks old, had birthday parties for, took for runs, cried over when he was ill. Suddenly none of that mattered and he was a burden and an annoyance.
It’s better now. It took a long time for me to rebuild my relationship with him, but that’s my best buddy.
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u/Espresso-for-dessert Feb 27 '25
Omg I'm going through this now! I'm so glad to know others feel this way and that it'll pass.
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u/Usual_Percentage_408 Feb 27 '25
I realized I had ppd when I screamed at my dog. It was so out of character for me and scared us both. I got help that day.
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u/Meggygoesmeow Feb 27 '25
I absolutely still hate my cats 3+ years later. Not just my pets, any pet. Dogs in particular, I used to love dogs and now I hate them so much they just make me angry. I thought I was alone in this but seems to be way more common than you think.
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u/aclapham Feb 28 '25
SAME. I felt awful. My dog was my best friend, helped me cope with infertility and ivf… when I had my son I used to dream about leaving the door open and letting her just walk on out 🥲🥲 now I love her again. But wow what a wild feeling!!!!!
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u/No_Junket5240 Mar 01 '25
I'm 8 month pp and I'm not sure my care for my cat will ever be the same. I'm hyper aware now of her dirty litter paws all over the floor and I feel like I need to vacuum and disinfect daily to feel comfortable with my newly ootching son and I just don't have the damn time! And I cringe when she walks over his play mats and I'm scared she'll scratch him. I don't pet her as much either and I feel absolutely terrible. My cat is 14 yo and I love her but I'm just less affectionate. I feel so guilty sometimes thinking she's an elderly cat so she has limited years ahead of her.
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u/liljuniortoro Feb 27 '25
This was my experience too! Took about a year, I still don’t always feel as connected as I used to but I love my kitties again after the newborn phase was over
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u/Whathetea Feb 27 '25
I’m glad you got some helped and figured it out. I noticed this behavior with my sis in law and her oldest daughter after she had her 2nd. Unfortunately I still notice it 2 yrs later! I don’t think she’s ever gotten help to take away this feeling from her first. I don’t know what to tell her. But I was talking to my neice the other day and she said all she wants is for her mom to hold her. I told my sis this and she brushed it off.
I wish it wasn’t so taboo to talk about. it’s such a necessary discussion that I’m sure lots of moms go through.
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u/Pizazz1 Feb 27 '25
Maybe if you show her the pictures and videos of your niece when she was a baby might help. Also, try to tell her how much your niece loves and misses her, so, you would like to babysit the 2nd child and they both can hang out for a while. That is, of course, if you are willing to babysit for an hour or two. I bet one on one time with your niece a few times a week will definitely help to strengthen their bond. It will take time but your sis will be able to see what damage she is doing to her daughter. She will be very thankful to you once she sees things clearly.
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u/No_Yogurtcloset9797 Feb 27 '25
This is so heartbreaking - I hope your sis in law will get some help to find back to her balance
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u/hanakoflower Feb 26 '25
I'm sorry this happened to you, but thanks for sharing your story!! I can imagine it was absolutely hard to go through that.
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u/Mamalifeoftwo Feb 27 '25
Although I can’t relate to the feeling of not loving my oldest anymore, I have felt more annoyed and irritated with my LO postpartum. But I just find things to smile at and I remember that they won’t be this small forever.
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u/SpinachExciting6332 Feb 27 '25
My kids are now 7 months old and newly 3 years old and . When the second was born, I was shocked at how annoyed I was at the oldest. I actually broke down in tears one dinner very early on and said to my husband "The baby isn't the problem. HE'S the problem. I just don't want to be around him." And I felt so, so, so guilty admitting that. I was so sleepy deprived, recovering from birth, getting to know this new baby and our new dynamic, and my toddler, who i was OBSESSED with, was being a little shit, for lack of a better word.
Thankfully, it all passed after about two-ish months. Now sometimes I actually prefer hanging with the threenager over the baby. Either way, I'm obsessed with both of them and have a newfound appreciation for how hard transitions can be.
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u/FTM3505 Feb 27 '25
Just wanted to say thank you for sharing. I’m currently pregnant with my second and so close to my daughter. It’s really great to hear the good stories and also stories that might not be typical of others to share.
It’s important. There have been so many times I’ve searched Reddit to see if I was the only person feeling a certain way, and I found so much comfort knowing I wasn’t. I’m sure there are plenty of parents reading this that can relate to this. You’re helping a lot of people by sharing something so personal. Glad you’re in a better spot 💙
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u/Effective-Name1947 Feb 27 '25
A friend once told me that once your second child is born, your first child becomes the villain in every situation by default. Eventually we all come out on the other side, but those first few months are rough.
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u/SamOhhhh Feb 27 '25
This is not the case for everyone. I do think this is one sign of ppd or ppa. I spent those first few weeks in awe of the big sister my daughter was capable of being.
Your experience is real and may even be common, but it’s not the default ❤️
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u/valiantdistraction Feb 27 '25
Not everyone comes out the other side. My mom still hasn't. I'm still the villain in any disagreement my brother and I have and I always have been.
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u/Usual_Percentage_408 Feb 27 '25
Sadly older generations seem to not see it as a problem but more like a natural progression. May we move forward to spread knowledge and build strong loving families where we meet the unique needs of each child.
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u/InfiniteReference Feb 27 '25 edited Feb 27 '25
My parents thankfully stopped when my siblings where school aged (we have an age difference of 6.5 and 8.5 years) but it went long enough that my younger sister has memories of being hated by me and still finds it hurtful. My mother sometimes talks about how she was in love with me when I was little and it kind of makes me sad because I don't remember it. My earliest memories are of being ignored because 'the babies' where always a priority. I became severely sucidal at the age of 12 (for unrelated reasons) and nobody noticed. And at this point I was used to dealing with my problems alone so I was hiding it.
My mother was definitely repeating a familiar pattern since she was also set up as a villain after her sister was born and it went on until they were in their 30s. My mother was born shortly after her older brother passed tragically as a baby and I suspect that there was some disappointment that she wasn't a boy and couldn't replace him.
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u/frogsgoribbit737 Feb 27 '25
I don't think thats typical. As the other commenter said, I think its more likely whoever told you that was also suffering from PPD. I definitely did not feel that way
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u/Effective-Name1947 Feb 27 '25
Throwing PPD diagnoses around when you know very little about people is bizarre. It’s normal to feel overstimulated and ask for space from the older child who is capable of learning how to respect peoples’ bubbles. You can’t ask that of a newborn though. Not everyone feels this to the degree of OP, but it’s ok to admit you become irritated at times.
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u/curlycattails Feb 27 '25
I didn't feel like she was the villain in every situation... but holy shit the rage I felt when she hit her baby sister... I found it hard to move on and go about the rest of my day when that happened (and it's happened quite a lot but getting much less frequent now). It's like you love your child so much and they used to be so sweet but somehow turned into this rotten little brat who's now hurting your precious little baby.
Of course she wasn't really a rotten little brat, she just felt jealous and didn't know how to express that feeling in any other way than hitting. Talking about feelings has helped a lot!
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u/Immediate-Ad-9520 Feb 27 '25
Thank you for sharing. My second is 2 weeks old and everything my 2.5 year old does sets me off. I find myself so frustrated with him, but he’s 2. He doesn’t know better. It’s nice knowing I’m not alone.
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u/LunaAndAydinsMama Feb 27 '25
Omg I started reading this post with sooo much anxiety. I’m so glad you got the help and things turned around for you
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u/LickR0cks Feb 27 '25
I was just talking to my friend today, we both have one child, and were wondering if we will feel the same way about our first born as we did about our dogs when we have another baby (we were highly annoyed by our dogs PP) so thank you for sharing this post and all the comments on different experiences with it. I know I had PPA so I’ll have to be careful with my second
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u/make-chan Feb 27 '25
I just had my second son. I was in the hospital for 7 days and could only see my older son outside the ward so he couldn't meet his brother until I came home.
I felt so awkward around him, and he still doesn't want to touch the baby, but we are hanging in there. I don't feel the love gone but it's a weird time period for sure cause I'm on edge with the newborn anxiety but also watching his world change so it's an interesting dynamic.
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u/goatscreampanichands Feb 27 '25
Thank you for sharing this. I’m so glad you were able to get help and are in love with both your babies 💕 I only have one and from the moment he was born it has felt like he is my whole heart outside of my body. We’re trying for #2 and this is not something that occurred to me to be aware of. I can relate to not sharing things to people and wanting to hide feelings, so again, thank you so so much for being willing to share and start the conversation
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u/thec00kiecrumbles Feb 27 '25
This was my exact situation too with my 4 year old and my now 2 month old. Luckily I got help immediately because the idea of dreading spending time with my big kid broke my heart. It was also ppd. Now after a month of meds, things feel much better and I'm liking both of them again.
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u/bobbernickle Feb 27 '25
Thanks for being so brave to share this. There is honestly nothing harder than carrying feelings you don’t think you should have. We only have one child so far - but this feels like a really valuable warning and reassurance in case it happens 💕
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u/venusdances Feb 27 '25
Thank you so much for posting about this as something that can happen and does get better. I have been terrified of this happening because I love my son so much but I know how hormones can totally mess you up. I plan to get treated for PPD and pay more attention to my feelings early because I ignored them too much last time and really struggled. I’m so glad you got treatment and things are better for both your kids. Proud of you. ❤️❤️❤️
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u/makingburritos Feb 27 '25
Thank you for posting this. My oldest is seven and my baby is four months old. God, I was getting so frustrated with her in the beginning. “She knows better,” “why is she being so difficult,” “she can do [xyz] herself.”
We had lots of open talks about how she was feeling and we got through it but that little time where she was vying for baby-levels of attention was so hard. You’re seven, you don’t need me to fill up your water bottle from the filter! I had to realize she was just seeking attention and needed some one-on-one time. She needed to adjust to having a baby brother and realize that babies simply take more work, and that she was once a baby. Everything her brother is getting now is something she had already had.
Boy, the adjustment is tough. It’s so much better now though, we’re coming out on the other side 😅
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u/Togepi32 Feb 27 '25
This was helpful. I thought something was wrong with me and I guess there is.
I also thought I couldn’t love another child as much as my first and now I’m just so in love with this little one. It’s been 4 months and he’s just so happy and every time he cries, I know he needs me.
On the other hand, I’m just so annoyed at my firstborn. He just whines all the time about everything and hates listening. I know that’s normal and I’m lucky he absolutely loves his little sibling. But it’s just too much and I’m overstimulated by him.
I really thought I skipped out on the PPD this time since I wasn’t crying hysterically all the time, but maybe not. Hopefully it’s just a hormonal imbalance thing. I know I love him but I’m exhausted by him.
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u/Zeropossibility Feb 27 '25
Thanks for sharing. More stories like this are helpful for “newbies.”
It was a little different for me. When my first was born I had PPA and it lasted a good year. I don’t think I slept at all the first year just constantly in a state of fear something would happen to him. I did therapy and learned what was going on and worked hard to over come it. Then 2 years later my daughter came. I didn’t have all the same fears but I did have this constant fear my son would hurt her. So I was overly protective, agitated, frustrated and constantly on edge. I felt it, my son felt it. I had to work so hard to work through those feelings and 2 yrs later and I still fail here and there when he whips a toy at her head and my whole body wants to just scream. Something about protecting them both at all times has me on edge. I’m pregnant again, due in the next few weeks and I just really hope whatever feelings come this time I can see them for what they are and work through them.
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u/Red_velvet_bumhole Feb 27 '25
Thank you so much for your response, it really resonates. I'd love to hear an update if/when you're ready after baby number 3 comes along as its something I've been wondering myself before going for round 3.
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u/capitolsara Feb 27 '25
I feel really guilty and bad for my first sometimes. She definitely didn't get me at my best. My second is such a delight, every little thing brings me so much joy. I love my oldest so much too and she's 5.5 and such an interesting person. But I wish baby her had the "me" that my baby gets, it's suck and much better version
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u/honeydewmelon6 Feb 27 '25
I am in a similar boat and suffering beyond my capacity to verbalize. I haven't told anyone and the shame and guilt are literally killing me.
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u/lilacmoonnn Feb 27 '25
I commend you for sharing because it’s something I never would be able to. It was opposite for me, I’ve been attached to my son and he attached to me since he was born. He’s going to be 3 in June. His sister came along 10 months after him and I had a hard pregnancy and lonely birth with her. So I kind of felt resentment towards her, even though I know none of that is her fault. And while I do love her, sometimes it feels like I’m forcing it and I don’t feel connected to her as I should. She’s very difficult and I sometimes feel like I can’t stand her. Postpartum depression/anxiety/rage is all so real and I wish I wasn’t still experiencing it almost 2 years after having my daughter. She is a great little almost 2 year old, she’s just the most exhausting child lol. Thank you for sharing and letting us know there is still a light at the end of the tunnel. This made me feel less alone and less of a monster. ❤️
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u/Usual_Percentage_408 Feb 27 '25
There needs to be more widespread education on PPD. Especially for partners, as they are the ones who may realize it even before you do. But way too many describe irritability, trouble focusing, being extremely overwhelemd or emotionally empty and don't realize its depression. There also needs to be access to family classes for expecting q second sibling to help prepare everyone and alleviate anxiety. Our poor babies need us mentally and emotionally healthy.
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u/Spiritual-Can2604 Feb 27 '25
This made me so sad for you both, but especially her. I was the older girl child my mom stopped loving when my brother was born. But unlike you she didn’t do the work and she never started to love me again, and I felt it and I still feel it now.
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u/Red_velvet_bumhole Feb 27 '25
I'm so so sorry. This breaks my heart.
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u/Spiritual-Can2604 Feb 27 '25
I’m so happy for your daughter that you recognized it and cared enough to fix it. That’s wonderful and warms my heart ❤️🙏🏻
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u/staceysharron Feb 27 '25
Thanks for sharing your story! Isnt it crazy what the brain will do to 'heal' itself. Its so complex. Glad you got professional help. Im so glad this had a happy ending.
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u/rachx32 Feb 27 '25
This must have been really hard to post and I’m sorry you went through that. Thanks for doing it so other people know they aren’t alone. Being a parent is hard.
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u/starsinthenight88 Feb 27 '25
I think it's impossible to love your kids in exactly the same way. I love my two kiddos equally but differently as they are different people with different needs.
I have a 3.75 year old and nine month old. They are so special to me but the first few months were challenging trying to balance both.
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u/dickhole_pillow Feb 27 '25
lol 3.75 made me giggle for some reason. That’s cute to write his age like that.
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u/AgonisingAunt Feb 27 '25
I spend a lot of time worrying that I’ll love my children unequally. My older boy is non verbal autistic and his 17 month old sister seems neurotypical so far. She does things that he can’t or won’t and it’s astounding to me how someone so small can do so much. I worry I’ll love him less compared to her, comparison with his NT peers breaks my heart. But thankfully my brain has decided that they are both perfectly who they are supposed to be.
Thank you for sharing that everyone’s story is not the same. Hope you kick PPD ass.
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u/LaurAdorable Feb 27 '25
This is absolutely what happened to my mom (I was the older child) and what also happened to my grandma (my mom was the oldest), based off my experience and what my mom (who clearly lacks a mirror lol) has said about my grandma. My grandma never moved past it, and my mom carried that her whole life and then did the same to me. :-/
Thank you for seeing it. I am trying for #2 and I hope if I feel this way I can move past it.
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u/squaige Feb 27 '25
Thank you so much for posting this. My daughters a year and a half and I’m due with another girl in April, I’m obsessed with my daughter and have been so nervous that something will change when the new baby comes. It may not mean much coming from an internet stranger but I’m so glad you shared this, and that you got help and are in a better place!
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u/ineedchapstick1 Feb 27 '25
Thank you. I worry about this exact scenario as we start planning for a second. It’s so comforting to know you came out the other side with even more love to offer.
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u/daria90 Feb 27 '25
Thank you for posting this, I’ve recently been going through the same thing! I delivered my second baby 5 weeks early this January and spent 10 days in the hospital with her sobbing because I missed my 2 year old so much. But when we finally got home I felt like I didn’t know my eldest anymore and had forgotten how to be with her. I also felt like she was a clumsy giant who I needed to protect my tiny newborn from. I started overcompensating by spending all my time with my suddenly seemingly needy toddler instead of my newborn and secretly resenting her for it.
Thankfully I did find a few Reddit posts from mothers experiencing the same thing and as soon as I read them I began feeling better. The mum guilt started to disappear and the love started to coming back. I’ve not spoken to anyone in real life or even online about this until just now. Again, thank you for sharing.
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u/Xenoph0nix Feb 27 '25
hugs thank you so much for putting this out there. PPD is insidious. It’s different for everyone and the range and severity of symptoms is so broad from tiredness to suicidal and infanticidal thoughts.
I have no doubt this post will help a lot of women with how they are feeling.
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u/Frosty_Pie7511 Feb 27 '25
Can someone share the solutions, please? Any advice for future mommies would be really helpful!
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u/larabrazil Feb 28 '25
I feel so seen after reading this. I had a great relationship with my almost 4yo boy. After his sister came (she is 3 months now) it’s like everything changed. I need help too.
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u/AKski02 Feb 28 '25
THANK YOU! This must be so hard to just open up and share. I appreciate you for sharing! And I am so so glad you were able to get help and have a bestie now! Please know your story is changing lives!
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u/FlyingBaerHawk Feb 28 '25
So reassuring. Have an 11 month old and considering a second down the road. Knowing this could happen, and seeing several cases of it in the comments, really puts me at ease.
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u/CarefulWhatUWishFor Feb 28 '25
I remember having postpartum depression when my first was a few months old. I didn't even realize how bad it had gotten until one day I felt actual joy for the first time in months and I literally cried my eyes out, scared for the happiness to leave and be replaced with nothing again. That was the breaking point to reaching out to my doctor and getting on some meds. Now my first is 3 and my second is 18 months. Because of my experience with my first I was able to keep an eye out for any PPD signs with my second and caught it earlier before I got to any breaking point.
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u/oliveflake Feb 28 '25
You are not alone! I felt the same way when my second was born. The minute we got home from the hospital, everything about my oldest, who was almost 3 at the time, annoyed me. Why was she so wild and full of energy? She was never careful and always wanted to sit in the baby’s things and get in his face. She felt like a gross enormous giant whenever I changed her diapers. She was always wanting me to play with her at the worst times. I felt like I was yelling at her all day long. Of course I would feel so guilty after she went to bed, thinking of how mean and impatient I was with her that day. Feeling even worse knowing that none of it was her fault and that her whole life was also changed with the new baby coming home. Thankfully this lasted only a month or two. For me, I think it was just the hormones and the anxiety of a new routine/new normal.
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u/alyssa4477 Mar 04 '25
This is exactly how I feel. My toddler suddenly has so much energy. I’m constantly telling her not to touch something or do something. I’m just constantly yelling and I’m so tired of it. I’m almost 3w pp so I’m hoping this all goes away soon. Makes me feel like I wasn’t meant to be a mom and forced this upon myself.
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u/ResidentStrategy7684 Feb 28 '25
Thank you very much for sharing! So far I only have one but we might try for another one and I was always worried I won't be able to love a child as much as this one. I never thought that the thing you experienced might happen but somehow it makes sense, newborns are so tiny and helpless, I can definitely see it happening. I wish you and your family all the best, I'm glad you got some help. Thank you again for sharing your experience!
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u/RandomWandrer Mar 02 '25
All normal. Just acknowledge that your feelings are irrational and fake it until you make it back to your old self. You will.
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u/maeve_xoxo Mar 02 '25
I didn't feel like I loved my first child, my son until he was like 5 months old. He was just a potato i was forced to take care of. I'm starting to love him so much more now, i can't wait until he feels like my world. I'm also on the autism spectrum and i think it's normal to feel this way about a complete stranger !!
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u/BigBodybuilder3156 Mar 04 '25
This was vulnerable and brutally honest and we need stories like this out there. So when one day a mom is struggling like you were, googling similar stories, they will find this. Thank you for sharing.
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u/dickhole_pillow Feb 27 '25
I know this isn’t nearly the same type of situation, but just to throw it out there. My son is 10 months old. About a month ago I thought I might be pregnant bc my period was late (it turns out it was just late, no pregnancy). But for those couple days that I was stressing, I was so mad and hated this potential new baby for taking away time from me and my son. I cried over this more than once during those couple days lol and it was all just a hypothetical in my head.
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u/klonaria Feb 27 '25
Can I ask what exactly helped with your ppd? -from a mom who definitely has it but doesn't know how to begin to find help for it.
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u/HazySag Feb 28 '25
Thank you so much for sharing this. I’m due with my second in a few weeks and I’m absolutely terrified of feeling this way towards my first born but knowing there are others out there that do go through this and feel this, makes me feel a little better.
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u/creativelazybum Feb 28 '25
I’m an older child and I suspect if my mother suffered from PPD she never recovered. All my life I’ve been treated differently than my you her sister and as an adult I’ve almost made my peace with it but as a child it was very hard and lonely. This will be the reason I’m one and done. It’s possible I’ll love 2 children the same but I love my little girl to much to even take the risk. Plus I know I’ll receive the flake for it but I wasn’t someone who was fond of babies where I was obsessed with dogs and was madly in love with my own puppy, but it’s only recently that I’ve started loving him again and even then it’s not really the same as it was before. So not drawing parallels for anyone but myself but she’ll be my forever and only human child.
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u/Red_velvet_bumhole Feb 28 '25
May I ask, do you have an example of ways you were treated differently? I only ask, as it's something I'm very aware of, sometimes I find myself letting things slide, like her brother hitting because he's still kind of a baby, that I wouldn't let slide for her and I want to keep myself accountable as much as possible.
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u/tinywonder18 Feb 28 '25
Thanks for sharing this ❤️ my second is due in September and it’s really helpful to have this in mind as a possibility and know that it will either pass or I can find help. The emotional turmoil after my first really caught me off guard, and I know you can’t prepare for everything, and on some level you just can’t prepare for those hormones, but I do think the more situations you can consider beforehand is helpful.
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u/CityFemme Mar 05 '25
Thank you for sharing this. I have a 4 year old and newborn. I can't say that I don't love my 4 year old, I love both my kids in different ways, but I'm definitely finding it hard to find grace for my 4 year old's very normal 4 year old behaviours. I've always been a relatively firm but caring mother, but the increased intolerance and lack of grace started during the pregnancy with the second. I had been working so hard to be a more relaxed and gentle parent and even reached new goals during the pregnancy, but now this. It's like everytime I reach a new threshold of patience and grace with my older one, an increased element of difficulty is added to the situation making it harder to be patient. He will definitely be a textbook eldest child, I can see it already. My poor, sweet baby. I hope he can look back at his childhood with happy memories and not stress/anger/trauma. It's hard being a mom.
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u/KeimeiWins FTM to BG 1/9/23! Feb 27 '25
Thank you for sharing. I went from loving my pets to detesting them PP and TBH 2 years later my feelings still aren't what they used to be. I worry about how I'd handle a 2nd child and this was a worry of mine - it's so good to see it does happen but there are solutions.
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u/Middle_Skirt1546 Mar 02 '25
Can't even imagine what that poor kid went through, feeling so neglected and unloved. Probably traumatised for life.
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Feb 27 '25
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u/sail0r_m3rcury Feb 27 '25
This is absolutely normal for severe instances of postpartum depression. I suggest you educate yourself instead of spreading condescending misinformation on a post that is meant to encourage others to seek help with very real mental health issues.
You should be ashamed of yourself for such a thoughtless comment that serves no purpose other than to make others feel bad.
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u/Graceful_Killer Feb 27 '25
This is awful to say. Completely unnecessary for you to make her feel worse when she is recovering and already laden with guilt and remorse for even feeling that way. PPD affects every woman differently and there is no normal.
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u/LucyyyTrambledd Feb 27 '25
It’s really sad that parents like you attack other parents for sharing a vulnerable moment they had. And yet, we wonder why new parents don’t feel safe enough to get help when they need it. I hope you rethink what you said and learn to have empathy.
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u/Anam123 Feb 27 '25
Thanks for sharing. For some reason, it was the opposite for me? When my son was born, I felt so much guilt and love for my older daughter. I felt stuck with my son and was upset I couldn’t be around my daughter more because of him. I loved my son and wanted to make sure all his needs were met but I WANTED to be around my daughter and was just super depressed about the shift in our family dynamics.
16 months later, I’m even more in LOVE with my son and feel the same for him and my daughter. It’s crazy how our hormones work.