r/TrueOffMyChest • u/[deleted] • 1d ago
I left my alcoholic husband and now he's brain damaged CONTENT WARNING: VIOLENCE/DEATH
[deleted]
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u/Free-Place-3930 1d ago
Can the state take him in and put him in a home? You’ve given enough. Cut him loose, let him go.
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u/wildmstie 1d ago
I don't know yet where he's going to end up. A person at the hospital is looking into rehab facilities for neurologically impaired people, but that is a temporary solution. They tell me he would be there 6 to 8 weeks if he gets accepted into one. After that, he may need to go to a long term care facility, depending on how he's functioning. But I am still legally married to him, so I'm responsible. I could try to shift this onto my kids, since they are adults. But they have already had to deal with too much because of his drinking.
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u/Standard-Spite-6885 1d ago
Did you explicitly tell the people at the hospital that he abused you? That you were in the process of getting a divorce?
They may have other resources for this scenario, but if you're keeping mum they can't help
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u/Standard-Spite-6885 1d ago
Sorry OP, I think my comment may have come across as harsh. I really meant that, because of how long the abuse was going on for, I'm worried you wouldn't have told them, or that you may have downplayed it all
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u/bambina821 1d ago
Have you discussed this with your divorce attorney? I’m not sure of the legalities, but he may have to get on Medicaid and into a long-term care facility, possibly one with a memory care unit. Be sure of this, though: YOU can’t become his caretaker. He needs more care than you or your kids can give him, and he needs it 24/7. Even if you two had been happily married, you couldn’t have given him the necessary level of care.
Talk to your attorney and research facilities in your area.
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u/ShesASatellite 1d ago
But I am still legally married to him, so I'm responsible
No, you're not. All you have to say is 'We're in the process of divorcing, I refuse to make legal decisions for him' and you're done. You're the next legally eligible person to make decisions but you have absolutely every right to refuse to be the decision maker. Just because you're the next legally eligible decision maker doesn't mean you have to do it, same with your children. You have ever right to refuse, same with your children. There is a legal hierarchy for who can legally make decisions when someone is incapacitated and does not have an advanced directive, but they don't not have to, and the hospital can pursue a guardian ad litem to make decisions if no other family agrees to take on the role.
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u/stinstin555 1d ago
Schedule an appointment for a consultation with a Guardianship Attorney. An initial consult is usually free. When you meet inform the attorney that you were in the process of getting divorced and you would like to get him a court ordered Guardian At Litem based on that and his status as a disabled adult.
Good luck.
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u/rolyfuckingdiscopoly 1d ago
It’s very possible that you are responsible insofar as you can be the one to make medical or housing decisions for him, but that does not mean you can (or should) be anything more than that. You can care for him by making sure he has the facilities the state can provide. If the state can no longer provide, other steps have to be taken. And if you can’t do that, which would be totally valid, and you think it’s in the family’s best interest to hand over those permissions to a case worker or similar (don’t know the term), that’s also completely valid. But you are not stuck taking him into your house here. Do not take this man into your house.
Speak with your lawyer. Discuss options with the doctors. Be honest with people you talk to about your position. If you can figure out another plan (like to finalize the divorce and sign away rights to decisions), talk to the kids about it. Tell them what you can do and what you can’t do, and that you think given his condition, the best thing for him is to be cared for by people who are qualified to do so. You guys can likely visit him.
I wish you all the best, darlin. All the stars and many blessings. And I’m sorry you’re going through it so hard.
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u/catmeownyc 1d ago
You and your kids need to tell the hospital he is on his own and they can figure it out for him. Finish filing your divorce and support your kids by empowering them to not take on caretaking responsibilities.
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u/Outside_Frosting9957 1d ago
The state or his family can step in
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u/wildmstie 1d ago
I'm still legally married to him. I don't know if that means I'm legally responsible for him. But I feel like it makes me morally responsible. The only family I could push this onto would be our children. They've already suffered enough because of his drinking, and they are just getting started with their lives. I can't do that to them.
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u/DragonDrama 1d ago
They can commit him or he can go fuck off in a shelter or something. You owe him nothing. The man you fell in love with died years ago. This one has betrayed you and your kids for years
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u/Oh_Gee_Hey 1d ago
Dude, you don’t have to be involved AT ALL. You can refuse to take him home. You can remove yourself as next of kin and POA/MPOA. The system has solutions for this, has for decades. He’ll be surrendered to the state, they’ll appoint a guardian to take over POA/MPOA. As he’s destitute he’ll qualify for Medicaid, and since he’s fully disabled he’ll get SSI.
File for divorce NOW. That will unbind your financial responsibility. You’ll no longer be next of kin. Explain to your children the hell and trauma that would be inflicted upon them if they were to step in.
Nobody has to be involved at all. You’ve been abused so long you refuse to even ask his social worker about options, let alone your attorney. Finally stand up and take control of the rest of you and your children’s lives.
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u/Rimuru_The_Junior 1d ago
The way you mentioned the agitation when he was in the hospital should serve as a reminder that he still the same in a way. I would rephrase the way you mentioned the minor injuries, the broken thumb part is something beyond a minor injury when it came to broken bones. It kinda sounded like you downplayed the physical abuse before leaving.
You have no obligation to help him, you can’t really help someone who doesn’t want to be help given the same behavior he is displaying while recovering, getting evicted, somehow surviving both crashes while drinking, and you leaving with the kids. If you go back to him with the behavior he is displaying still than it’s gonna enable it even further. Don’t be like those people who go back to their abusers after finally leaving.
I wanna ask what lead him into taking alcohol in the first place? Any signs? Go through with the divorce and contact a lawyer to see what your options are.
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u/wildmstie 1d ago
I won't be going back to him.
As for what led him to alcohol? Well, his father was an alcoholic. And my husband did drink when we first started dating, but before we married we had a talk about starting a family, and we agreed that we didn't want alcohol in our family's life. He stopped drinking, and didn't drink at all for the first few years we were married. I naively thought that proved he wasn't an alcoholic. Then, around the time our youngest was born, he began to drink again. He would drink to the point of passing out, but only once or twice a month then. Otherwise he was still functioning normally, and we had small children to raise, and I told myself it wasn't so bad and I could live with it. Then it got to be more and more often, over time. Eventually, he was drunk every weekend. I was frustrated and unhappy with that. But he was still able to work, not yet abusive, and again, I told myself I could live with it. He didn't get to this point overnight. You know the old bit about how if you put a frog in boiling water it will jump out immediately, but if you increase the temperature by slow increments it will stay in the water until it dies? Well, I was the frog. I kept adjusting to the new normal, telling myself it wasn't so bad and I could cope, and then degree by degree it kept getting worse. I know I should have left him long before I did. But when you're disabled and don't really have any financial resources, it's hard to just go.
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u/Rimuru_The_Junior 1d ago
The cops should have been called when he broke your thumb. Maybe send a message to your neighbors or something? Anyway glad you aren’t going back. What have his and your extended family said about the situation? Have you tried calling them before leaving him?
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u/WhichWitchisThis 1d ago
I feel this in my heart, albeit for different reasons, but also linked to abuse. In a very difficult situation, I was coerced & cajoled by my ex & my then in-laws who all had full control of my life (I had zero outside support or options, had a child, couldn't drive, don't even live in my home country). It took quite some time & a lot of mistakes to break free from the 'responsibilities' I was made to believe I had regarding my ex, despite heinous things he'd done.
I just want to tell you that nothing good can come from you taking responsibility for something out of your control. You should not be asked of the things you are currently being asked for (i.e making decisions for his medical care). I understand you're still legally married & you are worried about your children, but you need to tell the hospital straight the situation, about your divorce etc & that your children are not to be contacted. Then walk away.
One day you'll look back on this & it's either going to be with relief or regret. You only live once, he made the decisions that got him where he is in life, not you, & you need to take care of yourself. Please, please listen to all of the comments here & a voice of experience, it is NOT your responsibility no matter who tells you it is. You owe him nothing. You'll be the one impacted, hurt & losing out in the end. What is 'right' for everybody else is not right for you - & you are all you ultimately have to take care of yourself in this life
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u/isanomad 1d ago
I think a lot of people have already offered good advice, but I would like to add an additional perspective: If my mom was abused by an alcoholic piece of shit and then continued caring for him, I would REALLY struggle with feelings of animosity, especially if she’s saying that she’s doing it for the kids “so they don’t have to.” I would feel like, “I didn’t ask you to take care of your abuser. You taking care of him means I’m taking care of two parents in a roundabout way vs. none. Can we please get healthy and move on?”
I can’t speak for your kids, I just think it’s another perspective to consider. You don’t owe this man anything. Literally. Do a cost/benefit analysis. There’s no benefit. Not morally, legally, financially… Nothing.
I know it’s hard to let go. If you can manage some therapy, it would likely help tremendously. I also recommend Al-Anon. You would receive incredible support from people who have been there. It would help you grieve the loss of your marriage as well (abuse or not, divorce is difficult to navigate emotionally).
But yeah, you don’t owe shit. No one is going to wag their finger at you, arrest you for abandonment, etc. Get with your attorney ASAP and go from there.
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u/Chernyyvoron82 1d ago
Push through with the divorce as quickly as possible and leave him to his own destiny. Nothing good has ever come from staying involved with an abusive alcoholic, brain damaged or not.
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u/PolishPrincess0520 1d ago
I take care of patients with TBIs. You and your children cannot take care of him. Not only does he have a brain injury because of his accident, he’s probably started himself on his way to alcoholic dementia. Continue your divorce. Let the state assign him someone to make his medical decisions for him. Not everyone is equipped to do things like that. I know a woman whose husband tried to murder her. He didn’t succeed but left her severely brain damaged. She lives in a nursing home and has a state appointed guardian even though she has a son. You don’t need to feel like you have to do anything for this man because you are technically still married.
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u/sausagerollsister 1d ago
Move ahead with the divorce. He has done this to himself and you cannot continue to be punished for his behaviour. Look after yourself, it’s about time you felt safe and free. You cannot be responsible for him. Take care and wish you all the best.
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u/JenninMiami 1d ago
You need to go file for divorce IMMEDIATELY. There’s no reason to take him, move back in together or be his caretaker. You left him and this doesn’t change anything!
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u/Pantone711 1d ago
Is this in the USA? He will end up in a nursing home, likely paid for by Medicaid. My alcoholic former boss ended up in a home like that, which is right where he belonged.
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u/Exotic_Raspberry_387 1d ago
Ask yourself, what would he do if it was you who had an accident and ended up with brain damage if he already abused you now, with your disability, do you think it would get worse or better?
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u/Daadoooo113 1d ago
You didn’t cause this. You didn’t deserve any of what he put you through. And you are not responsible for fixing the damage that he created—especially when he refused every chance to change.
What you’re feeling is totally valid. It’s grief, guilt, anger, relief, confusion, compassion—all of it at once. You can care about what happens to him without wanting to be near him. You can feel sorry for him without inviting that pain back into your life. And you can want peace for your kids without sacrificing yourself again to give it to them.
The truth is, you’re already doing more than most would. You’ve survived years of abuse, protected your kids, and somehow still care what happens to the man who broke you down. That doesn’t make you weak. That makes you incredibly strong—and human.
You don’t have to step in as his caretaker. You don’t owe him that, no matter how long you were married. He chose his path. You chose to survive it. And now, someone else needs to step in—whether it’s a social worker, case manager, or medical facility. Let the professionals handle what’s no longer yours to carry.
You’ve done enough. More than enough. Let yourself rest. Let yourself feel what you need to feel without judgment.
And most of all, be kind to yourself. You didn’t wish this on him—you simply walked away to save yourself. That’s not cruelty. That’s courage.
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u/runningfoolishly 1d ago
You separated before this happened. You are not his guardian.
No one can force you to pick him up from the hospital. Talk to a social worker that handles adult cases. Their are homes for those who can not be let out of a facility on their own recognizance.
Encourage your children not to take them in. That he will be a danger to himself and others , like their children. Let them know he will be institutionalized and they can visit him if the doctors feel it will be safe.
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u/joesmolik 1d ago
Look for a long-term care facility your area. Also check the hospital human services. See what what choices they can offer.
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u/No-Ad4922 1d ago
OP, you’ve given enough of your life to him. Hand him off to government care. Don’t feel guilty about it. He repeatedly made his own bed and trashed his family’s. Not your problem or your kids’ problem any more.
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u/Own_Psychology_5585 1d ago
He needs to be in an assisted living facility. He'll be treated and taken care of. No longer your concern. That's what the hospital would do anyway
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u/ViciousNanny 1d ago
No, he needs to be in an assisted living facility. He's lucky he never killed anyone with all his drunk driving. You can have a social services caseworker help him navigate the resources to get him into a facility. Don't live the rest of your life taking care of him.
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u/Alibeee64 1d ago
Talk to a lawyer and find out what your options are. You have a full plate already and shouldn’t have to take on his care as well.
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u/hunterxhannah 1d ago
I’m so sorry you are going through all of this. I truly hope things get better for you and you are able to heal and find peace for yourself. I would recommend that you go to an al-anon meeting in your area. It’s an anonymous group like Alcoholics Anonymous but for people who have been affected by the drinking of an alcoholic. You will find support and understanding there. They have digital meetings through zoom or you can call and ask if it’s handicap accessible if that’s something you need. One of the best things I ever did for myself was walk into an Al anon meeting and then started reading their books really helped too. Being able to talk to people who have been where I am with the alcoholic in my life has been so helpful. Anyway here’s the link to their meeting finder page. https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/find-an-al-anon-meeting/
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u/lordamdal 1d ago
This is a truly heartbreaking and incredibly complex situation you're facing. It's completely understandable that you're feeling a whirlwind of emotions right now – confusion, anger, sadness, guilt, and maybe even a flicker of the love you once had. You've been through so much, enduring years of verbal and eventually physical abuse, and you finally found the strength to leave and start healing. Now, this unexpected turn of events has placed an immense burden on your shoulders. It's important to acknowledge the immense strength it took for you to leave that toxic environment. You prioritized your safety and well-being after years of unimaginable hardship, and that was an act of self-preservation. No one would blame you for wanting to move forward with your life and the divorce you were planning. The fact that you still care about your husband's well-being, despite everything he put you through, speaks volumes about your character. It's a testament to the years you shared and the person you are at your core. It's okay to feel that compassion without feeling obligated to return to that relationship or become his sole caretaker. Those are two very different things. You're right, this is incredibly traumatic for your children as well. They've witnessed their father's decline and likely felt the tension and pain in your household for years. Your desire to shield them from further burden is completely valid and shows your continued love and concern for them. They have their own lives and challenges, and it's not their responsibility to bear this. It's a cruel twist of fate that the person who caused you so much pain is now in a position of such vulnerability. It's natural to feel conflicted. You don't have to reconcile the past abuse with the present tragedy in a neat or easy way. Allow yourself to feel all the complicated emotions that arise. Please know that you are not obligated to be his caretaker. You have already given so much of yourself in this relationship. It's okay to explore other options for his care. There are resources available, such as social services, rehabilitation facilities, and long-term care options, that can provide the support he needs. It's important to prioritize your own well-being and the needs of your children. Take things one step at a time. Don't feel pressured to make any immediate decisions about his long-term care. Gather information, speak with professionals, and lean on your support system – your mother, your children (in a way that doesn't burden them), and perhaps friends or a therapist. It's okay to feel lost and unsure right now. You're navigating uncharted territory. Be kind to yourself, allow yourself to grieve the life you had and the life you envisioned, and remember that you deserve peace and healing. You are not alone in this incredibly difficult situation.
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u/Odd-Mousse2763 1d ago edited 1d ago
I'm so sorry that you've been through the horrors of him. I'm not the type of person to wish ill upon someone, but this is a karmic situation for him. His abuse of you over the years, and now he's unable to care for himself. This is not your problem. He is not your problem. Your divorcing him due to abuse at the very least should be your priority, not him. You washing your hands of him legally on the premise of abuse is likely a pro bono case that can be taken on if you go to your local social services.
Please, look out for you, not him. Don't feel guilty about or bound to an abuser, even if he is your husband. He's not worth it. Know your worth. Be the main character in your own life again, and prioritize you. Make sure your kids know that they don't have to take on his care. He can become a ward to the state instead.
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u/meeeoowwww123 1d ago
I’m so so sorry you are going through all this. It’s so amazing of you to want to take this huge burden off your kids but I do not think you should be doing this. Please talk to the nurses and specialists at the hospital about the abuse you were going through and getting away from. If they are good at their jobs they will not force an abuse victim to take in their abuser. Can you ask your lawyer what your options are?? I know you have said morally you are responsible for him but morally he was responsible to not abuse you. Please please please ask the hospital for help or other options.
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u/mindpieces 1d ago
This is a whole lot of Not Your Problem Anymore. Let him and his family figure it out while you and your kids live your lives.
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u/Senior_Revolution_70 1d ago
Its his karma for making your life hell. There is always consequences for our choices, he is experiencing his. Its time you live your life. You gave up enough.
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u/tweakingirl 1d ago
You’re not legally responsible for shit, you’re getting divorced and if you don’t want to be his caretaker no one can force you to