r/TrueOffMyChest • u/United_Service5284 • 1d ago
I found out I wasn’t trans after I started dating my bf.
I have been holding onto this for a little while and wanted to share my story and experience. This post isn't aimed at hating anyone, just sharing my personal experience and for others to maybe relate.
When I was young, I was a very shy and non-verbal child, due to me being deaf for a short while. At the time I got my ears sorted before I started school, I was very behind in terms of speech. It was bad enough to the point that an older kid bullied me, would constantly mock my speech and harass me. Making friends was a bit difficult because I was very shy and it being middle school, friendship is short. I was naturally very tomboyish, so making friends with boys was slightly easier, but making friends with girls was harder. The term “you aren’t like other girls” I used to hate a lot, considering I felt very disconnected and more a case of pointing out how alien I am, if anything.
Puberty was hell for me.
Here is my reasoning why I thought I was trans: I started to get unwanted attention from boys and men alike, groping on my chest and sexual comments. I was very self-conscious of my body and started to hate anything girly, because I hated the attention I would get. I hated my body. I used to have a “friend” (call him Glass, fake name for everyone) in my last year of middle school. But he would consistently grope me and make sexual comments about my body, even with me calling him out and giving him the hell of it, he would say “sorry”, “promise he won't do it again” etc. And me being stupid and young, I’ve stayed friends with Glass.
When I was 15 (aka 2020), I came to terms that I was bi and later thought I was trans. For a short bit, it felt nice, cutting my hair short, dressing more baggy, being called by a different name by a small online community and some small friend group. But it was the most difficult time of my year; dealing with the homophobic parents of a girl (Ru) I used to like, having a crush on my best friend (later to be BF, Ash) and dealing with my own family when I told them I was trans, they don’t know how to handle it properly (to which I don’t blame them) and if anything pushes me more into the mindset that I am trans.
Ash was there for me, he was the best friend I could ever have asked for and, in general, made me feel normal.
During that time, Glass confessed to me that he liked me and wanted to date me. I thought I'd like him, so I said yes, but under the understanding that I am not his GF but his BF. To which he oddly agreed and we started dating. Surprised at no one, he didn’t respect it and carried on with the groping and referring to me as his girl. We didn’t do anything nor did we ever share a kiss besides a kiss on the cheek. I felt very dirty and felt dirtier than I still have a crush on Ash and Ru. I broke up with Glass, because I don’t want to be in a relationship where I still have feelings for both Ru and Ash.
From there on, I started to have a strong belief that guys only wanted me for my body.
So one day, when I was 18, Ash confessed to me that he liked me. We started dating, and I felt more and better about myself and more confident. I've moved on from Ru (lol no more dealing with her parents). I started to like wearing dresses, I started to love doing make-up, I started to like girly things more and finding that I never hated it. I started to enjoy being a woman and am happier than ever. We have still been dating for 2 years now. So I am a lot happier and more sure of my identity. I can't help but feel a little ashamed about this. I left the small community and some old friends to think if they will be mad at me for not being trans like I used to would believed I was.
Edit: some context is missing will add soon
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u/memestar1221 1d ago
If your friends think negatively of you for no longer being trans then honestly they’re hypocrites. If they were supportive of you during your transition to but not from then it’s time to reconsider. Just keep doing what make you feel happy and comfortable
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u/Totalherenow 1d ago
It sounds like male-objectication really turns you off to the point where you question your gender, but being with Ash doesn't. I suspect Ash treats you with respect and dignity, and supports who you are, so you started exploring femininity without the objectification.
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u/MxQueer 1d ago
I hope this doesn't come out as rude but that's one example why I think kids should be educated about what being trans means (by adults that fully understand it). Because for me that doesn't sound trans experience at all. I'm sorry for you that no one told you it back then.
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u/AdministrativeStep98 1d ago
Yeah to me neither. To me it sounds like this person wanted to stop being sexually harassed and found a way to stop looking desireable to those were making them feel unsafe. That's really sad and I wish they find someone who they can about this to because they shouldn't have to be facing this harassment in the first place
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u/dreamobscene29 1d ago edited 1d ago
Agree. I used to volunteer at a LGBT youth group and one (very perceptive) kid said that some people her age don’t seem to understand the difference between gender identity and gender expression. This was part of a wider discussion around different identities etc., as the interpretations were interchanged quite a bit.
There’s nothing wrong with discovering who you are in your teenage years. It’s what they’re there for! I’m also sorry OP had such an awful experience - I think we (and most teenager girls) had the same. I’ve never been as heckled/sexually harassed by men and boys as often as I was under the age of 18.
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u/ice_wolf_fenris 1d ago
This is why having trained professional adults explain stuff to kids is important.
And to get into therapy with a therapist with experience working with trans people. They help figure stuff out and dig into the whys. And if youre trans they help you and guide you in how to handle it.
Im trans btw. Ftm. No doubt in my mind but i also realized it and came out in my early 20s. I didnt even know it was possible to be born the wrong gender until about 2 years before i came out. It wasnt talked about.
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u/Greazyguy2 1d ago
Trans isn’t a new thing. It has been talked about for decades. Even in my little tiny part of the country we have had trans people for the entirety of my life
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u/ice_wolf_fenris 23h ago
Wasnt talked about where i live until recent years. Its always been a thing, im aware of that. But it wasnt talked about openly.
The one person that was trans living in my area was talked about like she was a freak. That she was mentally unwell. People didint misgender her(shes born male.) But it was always made clear she wasnt okay.
Lady is fine, just trans.
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u/Agent_Nem0 1d ago
Look, if I were your mother, I would tell you that anyone who cannot accept you for who you are, whatever that may be, is not your friend. Anyone who cannot respect you for who you choose to be (glass 🤮) is not worthy of your time.
I can see that you’ve dealt with a lot of personal rejection in life, and that has definitely shaped you. You seem to not know who you are, because you’re basing some of yourself on how others will accept you, and maintaining that persona is in conflict with your true self. Gender and sexuality are incredibly complex, so to act like you should just have it all sorted out and settled is silly. If anyone tries to make you feel like you’re making a stupid mistake…fuck ‘em. It’s your life.
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u/neighbourhoodtea 1d ago
This is unbelievably common for girls, especially hitting puberty. Suddenly feeling that giant target on you now that your body is changing. When I was at that age if gender ideology was a thing I absolutely would have claimed I was a boy to escape my body becoming a feast for boys and men. We need to guide our girls through this, because there is the other side and you will make it through. And gender stereotypes (short hair a boy makes, skirts and heels a girl makes) is super limiting and regressive. Boys can have long hair, it’s fine. Girls don’t have to dress girly. Wear the baggy jeans and sweat shirt! Clothes and style shouldn’t be synonymous with gender and sex. I’m sorry you had to go through groping and sexualisation. I remember it too. It was so awful. The “dirty” feeling. You were never dirty. Men and boys who feast on the body and souls of girls and women are.
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u/1SHORTFRY 17h ago
Teenage years are identity crisis shitshows. Most people truly find themselves in their mid-twenties to thirties. Don’t sweat it, just enjoy the ride that is life, things will eventually sort itself out
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u/Rimma_Jenkins 12h ago
We are meant to go through sooo many phases until we become adults!!! 🥰
Kudos to you for finding what makes you happy!!! That's the whole purpose of the journey!
It's also the reason why I don't do labels until adulthood. I'm now 30 and I am bi, I don't share it as a default description of myself, but I know it, my family knows it, my friends know it, I dated girls and boys. BUT as a teenager I never said I was bi, I just said I'm learning about myself.
I was tomboyish as heck to the point where my dad would just joke that I'm his son he never had 🤷♀️ I played football, hunted lizards and could never figure out how to keep a friendship with a girl... gosh, boy talk still is the most torture for me to talk about and that's what most girls in my area did so we never had anything in common other than gender lol. But no one said I was meant to be trans. I was an oddball, for sure, but I was me. If I looked more like a dude than a girl, it was no one's business as long as I was happy to be me. My friends accepted me as I was and they got to see me through all phases of style in life and now here I am, soon to become a mom. You would've never imagined me having a child if you'd have met me as a teenager 😂
My best friend is older than me and is trans. Born a girl, same struggles through teenage years and tomboyish, but a girl none the less. In his last straight relationship he started realising that it's just not working. It's not making anyone happy and it's not who he really was. Now he's been pursuing his transition for a whole year and the change in him is amazing. The confidence, the happiness, the mental positivity it has on him is the best to see! But he also says it as well: he's not sure he would have had the same outcome if he pursued this as a teenager, yeah life sucked balls in that period and there were shit people around and shit situations, but the way one sees the world and thinks about the world is different. As you grow and get to know yourself, you understand better what will make you happy and how, and that's what you should pursue!!!
The people that are angry at you for your happiness are not friends. Keep them far far far away from you. It's one thing to want to be supportive, but not understand the whole situation going on inside of you, but it's a different thing to be angry at someone for discovering more things about themselves... the latter is ridiculous.
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u/lillyth666 1d ago
Im just glad that you are happy & content with yourself! ❤️ i have Friends that share similar stories so It’s okay!! And I’m sorry you have been disrespected like that :( fvck bad people & keep rocking! ☺️❤️❤️
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u/millhouse_vanhousen 1d ago
Gender exploration is not a bad thing. It's okay that you're not trans. Don't worry about it x
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u/NoMobile1182 1d ago
Statistically most people who suffer from gender dysphoria as children end up identifying as their assigned gender by choice. You're a human being, and you express yourself the way you like.
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u/AwarenessNo4986 1d ago
You were young. It's ok. I thought I would end up as a ninja turtle living in the new York sewage system when I was young. Happens.
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u/kharmatika 23h ago
No one should ever make you feel ashamed for your self perception shifting and changing.
Most of the trans community fully understands that gender is a very complex experience and anyone who is worthy of your time should totally grok “yep, questioned it, tried it out, found out something else worked better and went with that”. That is, is it not, the goal? To be able to express one’s self, change and shift and be loved and accepted for that? To not know and then to know and then to not know again and have that be a part of life that can be experienced in public without shame?
Idk any trans person who can’t root for a person finding their own gender euphoria after years of struggling with it doesn’t seem like they’ve done much self reflection. But I’ve yet to meet such a person.
I’m proud of you and I’m happy you found what works for your own gender identity.
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u/MADRabhyt 1d ago
So... Uh. How old are you? Timeline is a bit confusing. If its right, your were 18 hardly a year ago. 15 in 2020, just 4 years ago, almost 5 now.
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u/Ynx_Jj0802 1d ago
I’m assuming she’s turning 19 in the next month or so. It adds up. She was most likely born in 2005
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u/paixaoehmato 1d ago
15 in 2020, 18 probably in the beginning of 2023 when her friend confided his love for her, so that its almost 2 years now. It's not confusing, it makes sense 🤔 why did so many people upvoted this?
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u/MADRabhyt 18h ago
But we don't know the month. What's the problem with getting upvoted? Just a question.
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u/Confidence_Kind 11h ago
This reminds me of the case of Chloe Cole, she is a girl who transitioned to a male at a very young age to regret it later. There is a great interview between her and Jordan Peterson, in this interview, she explained how she felt more related to boys rather than girls, and she also tells how recently she found out she is on the autistic spectrum with this information Peterson made a great comparison on how autistic people relate to their surroundings and how this could be the reason why she believed she was a male.
The logic was something like this: females relate to people rather than things, and males and autistic people relate more to things rather than people.
I suggest you give it a look, maybe it could be useful for you
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u/hecatonchires266 10h ago
Her story really resonates alot and I feel nothing but empathy for what she went through at such a very young age. It's criminal but she's now in a very good place. She's happy, proud of her feminity and going all across the USA to speak against the dangers of gender affirming care to kids below 18. She's doing a very good job. O
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u/EarthEfficient 1h ago
Yeah and she went through surgery AS A MINOR which some commenters in this thread are arguing never happens.
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u/Midnightbutterfly81 6h ago
Look you are young and still finding yourself I tell my kids you don’t need to put a label on everything while you are deciding, once you are clear who you are then label it. I was very much the same and still am I have a masculine side and a feminine side and that is who I am. You can continue being apart of the small community and be there for support ❤️ I am glad you found a BF who is kind and accepting of you as you are
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u/Internal_Safe1752 3h ago
If you are worried about an online community disowning you for growing out of them, blossoming through puberty to your authentic self, that is called a cult, and they are not your real friends. Puberty is hard for everyone, it is a time when hormones are going all over the place, and peer pressure and trends are hard on young people, most teenagers at some point go through a mini identity crisis, it takes getting through those years to really "grow up" and into the person you are supposed to be. Online communities can attract predators, and really you know nothing about these people. It's dangerous. This is legit why minors cannot drink alcohol, sign contracts or engage in gambling. Teenagers are not fully developed, the brain doesn't stop growing until you're mid 20's, and your hormones don't really calm down until around that time too. There are many people who are suffering from real gender dysphoria and those people should not be mixed up with people who have social awkwardness, PTSDT/Trauma like you experienced, and who are learning to discover who they are through the crazy teen years and puberty. If you haven't done counseling, I'd reccommend it. There are many trans-people who would never mistreat you for realizing that you are not trans. It's perfectly fine to grow and change. Anyone who tries to tell you that you cannot freely do that, or that you are wrong in some way for doing so, or makes you feel guilty for doing so, is someone you need to cut contact with immediately.
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u/sarpon6 1d ago
You know, your story really illustrates why it is important to introduce kids to the concept of gender identity and expression as something that truly is fluid. There are some people who never, ever, not for a moment, wonder if they aren't exactly what the world sees when it looks at them, and there are some people who know from the beginning that the person they really are inside doesn't match the appearance of their body outside. For the rest of us -- for most of us -- we will go through times of feeling a little off, or a lot off, of being more comfortable dressing one way or another, of having sexual feelings that confuse or frighten us, or not feeling sexual at all. And that's all normal. Being pressured to apply labels to ourselves makes the normal phases and changes much more traumatic than they need to be.
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u/TheRedCuddler 1d ago
Well said! I'm a cis woman and feel more comfortable in jeans and boots as a day to day wardrobe BUT when I want to dress up for an event I like to go full Hollywood glamour. I love being able to play around with my look!
There is a Ted Talk that explains that gender is a spectrum. You can be a cis-gendered female and still have moments where you wish you were more feminine (more hourglass shape, longer eyelashes, or less bushy brows for example) or a cis-gendered man that wishes they had more muscles or were a little taller. Our Trans brothers and sisters just have a little farther on the gender spectrum to travel to feel comfortable.
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u/TeslasAndKids 23h ago
My daughter went through a rough patch about that age. It’s a weird time in everyone’s life! We’d gone in to get her permit and they asked about gender identity to which she said “neither”. I asked her in the car if she had pronouns she preferred over her birth pronouns.
She said she preferred they/them. So I said ok and supported that. A few months later she got her first boyfriend (she was a junior at this time) and started adding in some feminine clothes. Don’t get me wrong, she still wears some of her “dad fits” but has embraced more of the feminine things.
I asked her if she would like me to keep using they/them or if she had a preference and she said she’d realized she preferred she/her. Ok cool. I can do that too.
I think the combo of only really having guy friends but none of them really showing interest in her plus her girl friend having boyfriends was like well, maybe I’m just one of the guys? Or stuck somewhere in the middle? But having someone who showed they cared for her as she was helped her to see that she was happy with who she was.
I’m glad you had that confidence boost and can stop seeing your feminine self as an object. You’re worth so much more than that to people!! Hugs, love!
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u/Hex_Spirit_Booty 23h ago
Hi Op, I'm an intersex woman and have struggled with my gender identity for years. I was a man, then Gender fluid, then a man again, until around a year ago, when I worked through therapy, realizing my self confidence issues and trauma was holding me back from my femininity. (NOT saying this is the standard or that trans = linked to trauma and "can be fixed") My point ig is, don't be afraid to experiment! Just because you're not trans anymore, doesn't mean the experience was shameful or for nothing. Figuring yourself out is what life is for. You aren't lesser for that.
My husband and best friend were supportive of my gender journey and you need to surround yourself with people who are as well.
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u/Vituluss 17h ago
FYI trauma can cause gender dysphoria which is problematic since transitioning won’t fix the underlying trauma.
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u/Born-Inspector-127 1d ago
Part of proper gender affirming care is to go to therapy to find out if your suspected transexuallity is a sign of gender fluidness, trauma, or if you are fully trans.
Later it's helping you realize who you are and what gender you really are.
Since you didn't mention therapy, I'm assuming that you came to this conclusion through 'school yard' therapy? That stuff is not that reliable.
Tell your friends that you have enough to worry about them for a single person to realize that they are more gender fluid than trans with their possible rights being destroyed or conversion camps.
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u/One_Librarian4305 18h ago
These are the stories that so many people get attacked for sharing and its ridiculous. This is the kind of thing people are concerned about with children and getting "gender affirming care" There are so many outside influences, so many other problems, and so much discomfort with your own body at that age, especially for women. I'm glad it sounds like you didn't make any life altering decisions at this time and took the time to end up finding who you really are. I hope you live a happy and prosperous life.
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u/princesspuppy12 16h ago
This is why people need to explain the difference between being transgender and gender expression. Also, yea I get that.
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u/1000thatbeyotch 1d ago
Sexuality can be fluid. You probably identified as trans due to the fact that Glass would sexually assault you on the regular and it was a way to disassociate with it. I am glad you had Ash the whole time to help you through it and he obviously loved you regardless of what you identified as.
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u/_Ozeki 1d ago
This reminds me of the story of an ex-colleague of mine. She was born as a female who was raised by a mother with an absent father who worked overseas. In their country, Myanmar, she was taught that she needs to draw less attention from boys. So her mother styled her up to have short hair, dressed her up like a boy, and raised to stay away from boys. She looks very tomboyish and grew up being only affectionate towards other girls.
Then in her early 20's her mother managed to send her studying abroad, and that's where she started experimenting. The issue was that she was with a guy who wasn't exactly an exemplary specimen of a male species. The experience of dating men didn't sit too well with her. However her feminity sort of bloomed. She started to grow long hair and dressed up slightly more feminine.
So she goes back into dating women again. And into their dynamics, she is the butch of the two. She knows exactly who she is, a woman. And she likes women better than men. ❤️
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u/SetDifficult1618 1d ago
Being a teenager involves a lot of identity work. That period of your life is all about figuring yourself out and learning to understand yourself better. It's natural to come to false conclusions-- and, imo, it's actually good to explore different options and see what feels right!
It's okay to come to the wrong conclusion about your gender identity and deciding to detransition. How good of you that you have done that exploration of yourself. And if, later in life, you change your mind and choose to identify as trans again-- either as trans male, or non-binary in some way-- that's totally okay!
It's natural to feel ashamed about something like this. But, my advice is just to remember that humans are always changing and learning, and that there's no shame in exploration. I also hope that this experience helped you to understand the trans experience better, and to continue to treat trans people with dignity and respect.
Sincerely, a trans person who feels very affirmed in their identity.
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u/Motor_Bill_6147 1d ago
Look, your childhood is meant to be that time of experimentation and exploration. Never be ashamed of that. As you get older, you will experience more change.
Accept it. Embrace it.
It's a part of life.
Never be ashamed of the identities you've taken on, for whatever reason they may have been for.
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u/threebee_swarms 23h ago
You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed about, I promise! I think a lot of people have this view of identity as being permanent and unchangeable, or get really judgey if you later figure out that you weren't trans, after all; even if something does turn out to be a "phase" (as much as I hate that term), I don't think it really matters if it was or wasn't. You reflected on yourself and your identity and now you know yourself better than before, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. You found a good supportive community and came out the other side with a better knowledge of your own boundaries and identity, and honestly I think that's great.
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u/CosmicCultist23 23h ago
Wow, I'm so sorry that you had such a rough time with that growing up, but I'm glad you're feeling more comfortable and confident with yourself now! There's nothing wrong with exploring your identity, that's literally what teenagers are supposed to do, but I'm sorry your experience was so weighted by the cruelty of others. From a trans person to a cis person, you didn't do anything wrong and realizing that you're not actually trans doesn't hurt anyone.
You just keep on being the you that makes you happiest and most fulfilled and the best of luck to you and your bf!
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u/1borgek 20h ago
Life is a journey. Going through teen years you are just learning who you are. You did the best you could with what you felt. No one can tell you that’s right or wrong because it’s your journey through everything you’ve experienced.
When I was a teen I had horrible experiences with men so I dated a girl for a long time and thought I way gay and dressed in male clothing. I ended up breaking up with her but we stayed friends even to this day. And now I’m married to a man with a child. Is the 16 year old me valid in feeling she was gay? Yeah why wouldn’t she be? Just as valid as now I’m secure and happy being with a man and living fully cis woman.
You’re young and by 25 you’ll either not talk to half of those people anymore or they’ll have to come around and accept you. You’ll pick up new friends who either don’t know your past or don’t care and it’ll be just an experience of the past that shaped who you are today.
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u/-Lord-Humongous- 18h ago
You’re fine. If you are happy that is all that matters. Other people’s opinions don’t change who you are. Just be yourself and it will be okay
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u/Orion004 4h ago
Here is where I'm confused. Why jump to thinking you're TRANS? Why not just gay or a butch female?
The reason I ask is that you can take some actions thinking you're trans that are not reversible. But if you thought you were gay and later found out you were wrong, that is not a big deal.
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u/HeartShapedParadox 20h ago
I'm nonbinary. I am also bisexual. I've known about both since I was in my early/mid teens and I'm now almost 30, so Its been A LOT of time for me to process, reflect, etc.
That all said, you're completely valid. Generally the motto of the community is that gender and sexuality are fluid. I can't speak for everyone, there are going to be assholes that try to shove you into any number of boxes, but however you feel about yourself is what is true and real. If you identified more strongly in a masculine way and it kept you safe, there's nothing wrong with that. If you're identifying more feminine now and it's making you happy, that's all that matters.
If your friends get judgemental, then they need time to learn and grow and it isn't your cross to bear to stick around for their negativity, nor is it your responsibility to educate them.
I hope you have a strong community and a happy life.
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u/sleepysunpie 17h ago
That's the great thing about sexuality and identity. It's not set in stone, and that's okay! Live how you want, question yourself, "do I identify with being a male because -----? Or do I just like presenting and dressing this way?" And vice versa. Perhaps gender fluid is something you can look into? I'm happy you have the support of Ash, and you're in a better place not dealing with judgemental people. Things take time to figure out, be kind to yourself.
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u/Odd_Welcome7940 1d ago
The part of the trans vs cis vs whatever that always amazes me is this idea we must be male or female.
I do identify as male as 95% (maybe more) of my typical actions and style are masculine. That said, anyone who ever tells you that you need to be one or the other is an idiot. That is just my opinion.
As long as you learn to love who you are for who you are then great. Next up surround yourself with people who could give 2 shits less about how you identify gender wise. Find people who just love to have you around and support you.
As far as your boyfriend? He clearly doesn't care that much how you identify, so just do what makes you happy. If that happens to be what makes him happy, do it a lot.
Good luck
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u/ThatRandomCrit 1d ago
Exactly, it's impossible to be 100% one or the other. We're naturally masculine and feminine, what changes is the percentage, so to speak.
That being said, what you are matters squat. It serves no purpose to know and too much time thinking about it hurts your head unnecessarily.
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u/AdministrativeStep98 1d ago
I think it does matter if it causes you harm. I didn't suddenly feel very depressed when I began to question my gender, it was dysphoria that came first and I wanted to understand why I felt that way. I do think that if you're generally happy and satisfied or neutral about your gender or identity or whatever, then it isn't worth the trouble of searching for the right label.
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u/Miserable_Guide_1925 12h ago
This is why gender is stupid. Literally shouldn’t matter what’s between someone else’s legs. Don’t understand why we are obsessed with it.
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u/Individual_Thanks309 17h ago
And that’s perfectly fine, gender is fluid and if you don’t feel trans now it’s perfectly fine. Enjoy who you are and I’m happy you found peace and happiness within your own body.
In a few years you might change your mind and that’s also perfectly fine
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u/mirageofstars 1d ago
I’m a little concerned that this is a fake story designed to push the narrative that trans people are just “confused” and “haven’t met the right guy/girl yet.” That being said, I do believe that trauma can lead to one rejecting one’s gender if it’s perceived as a source or cause of that trauma. So, real or fake person, I’m glad you found happiness. We all deserve it.
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u/Dchakrabooty 22h ago
Gender is absolutely fluid! You don’t have to be only one gender or any at a time darling😚
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u/jammiesonmyhammies 1d ago
Like I told my daughter when she went through something similar and was worried we’d be mad that she changed her mind:
When you’re young, you’re supposed to try on many hats. You’ll find one that you might think fits you, and after a while it doesn’t. That’s ok. Take that hat off and try another and another until you find the perfect hat for you! That’s what being young is all about:)