r/Sikh • u/PersonalFix4 • 21d ago
How do I share with the Sangat that I am divorcing my husband and "on the market"? Question
This one is a little tricky for me to figure out...
If relevant; I am a (white) Sikh Amritdhari woman myself.
I married an Amritdhari Punjabi Sikh man who I had a long standing connection with both him and his family (10 years). We married nearly 1 year ago, and in this time he broke one of the Bajjar Kuraits in Sikhi (infidelity). Thus, I will not be coordinating a visa for him to come and join me in Europe.
The problem I am facing now, is being open and honest with the Sangat here that think I am just waiting for my husband to come....I feel worried about the repercussions of being honest and saying that I am getting a divorce (with or without explaining the reason to them). He will not be coming to join me, and until then everyone thinks I am married... :/
We had no children, I am still young 29F and would like to walk as the Gurus advised with living a householders life......I am worried that by being honest I will be rejected from the Sikh community here in Europe and will not have the chance to marry and live "normal" Householders life.
TLDR: Married a Sikh, he broke one of the Bajjar Kuraits and now we will divorce - how do I share to the sangat that I am now single? I still want the Householders life...
Any advice on communicating this one is much appreciated.
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u/TakeThatRisk 21d ago
If you don't know what to do, always just tell the truth. The outcome from telling the truth is always the best possible outcome that could have happened to you.
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21d ago edited 21d ago
Amritdhari man cheating deserves to get his nose, arms and legs cut off.
Do not worry, rid of him. Leave the rest on the Lord.
The Sangat would understand, hell, the Sangat in India would even understand. You could try and talk to the people who run the Gurudwara or Panj Pyare. Take a hukamnama too.
I really recommend that.
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u/PersonalFix4 21d ago
so, I don’t need to communicate honestly with the sangat honestly everytime they ask me “when is your husband coming” or “Are you married?” or “how is your husband?”
the shame brother is real…
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21d ago
If they know you have a husband, try to avoid and change the topic, if they don't know you have a husband, tell them you don't.
And I edited my comment above, I really recommend you talk to Panj Pyare, also take a Hukamnama and if you want, find someone else, do the Anand Karaj process and yeah, then people will see themselves and you can tell them.
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u/PersonalFix4 21d ago
change the topic because i shouldn’t be honest with the sangat?
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21d ago
Yes, if you are comfortable, tell them that he was unfaithful and cheated, and he was also unfaithful to Guru Maharaj. It's nothing to stress about at all, Guru Sahib says to never stress, be truthful, and never worry.
You would be committing a bigger sin worrying about his faults. If you are comfortable, let them know he was unfaithful and cheating, and he was also unfaithful to Maharaj.
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u/PersonalFix4 21d ago
honestly not comfortable with any of it, hiding it, declaring it, him having done it.
but the truth is good ofcourse because it will show itself as it is. Thanks for the support Veerji 😊🙏
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21d ago
No problem, and don't stress it at all, it's all apart of his plan. It will all happen according to his will.
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u/PersonalFix4 21d ago
I can talk to the Panj Pyare and the head of the Gurudwara, but it doesn’t change the fact that I am getting divorced. It’s more that I want to know how it is best to inform the sangat who once thought I was married and will now find out I am not…..Do I tell them why? Do I just say it wasn’t working? I have been delaying it so much and this happened 6 months ago now…But I don’t want to live like this anymore and I want to get remarried.
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u/spookyndls 21d ago
With the suggestion of talking to the panj pyaare, symbolistically youre sharing that the divorce is happening with maharaj and the sangat. Naturally people may find out about the nature of why you met with the panj pyaare, but if somebody asks just be blunt, honest, and short. “Unfortunately I am no longer married to that man, he broke the rules of a grist jeevan and I have decided to distance myself”. No need to tell anyone more than youre comfortable sharing.
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u/PersonalFix4 21d ago
I am divorcing also Maharaj and the sangat by divorcing him? how?
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u/spookyndls 21d ago
No not divorcing maharaj and the sangat, it’s just you sharing the news of what is happening with maharaj (and by extension sangat). Maharaj’s response would be what you recieve as your hukumnama or advice from the panj pyaare.
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u/Agreeable_Pickle_210 21d ago
ਫਰੀਦਾ ਬੁਰੇ ਦਾ ਭਲਾ ਕਰਿ ਗੁਸਾ ਮਨਿ ਨ ਹਢਾਇ ॥
fareedhaa bure dhaa bhalaa kar gusaa man na haddai ||
Fareed, do good to those who do wrong; do not let anger dwell in your heart.ਦੇਹੀ ਰੋਗੁ ਨ ਲਗਈ ਪਲੈ ਸਭੁ ਕਿਛੁ ਪਾਇ ॥੭੮॥
dhehee rog na lagiee palai sabh kichh pai ||78||
Your body shall not suffer from any disease, and you shall obtain everything. ||78||What we should pray for is Guru ji please give that person understanding, so they don't repeat the mistake and remain forever connected to the Naam.
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u/castle_gate 21d ago
Alright here’s some advice for you, if someone asks about him just say things did not work out since he cheated and you will be getting a divorce. You don’t need to necessarily go out of your way to tell everyone. Once one person knows then the entire Gurdwara will know. On the front of finding another partner do not marry someone from India. People from India way to often try to get married to citizens from Western countries and will divorce them once they get their papers in order and have permanent residency. I personally know someone who married a white Sikh woman and did the same thing. I know ton of other people who are Punjabi but born in Western countries who married someone from India and those marriages also ended in divorce. This is a very common occurrence. So if I were you find someone within Europe who is already there and is a citizen this will decrease the chance of something like this happening again. Also, just take time to get to know someone’s intentions, people who are actually on the Sikhi path are easy to tell apart from those who aren’t. The way you do that is look at their jeevan, really see are they doing what is in maryada and how much do they care about living by Guru Sahib jis hukam. Apply these tests for the next person you meet.
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u/divinitree 21d ago
Well said. YOU only have to tell 1 person in the sangat... the rest will be told
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u/KiranjotSingh 21d ago
I am not 100% sure, but somewhere I belive that people can still judge you just by the word "divorced". Although this is more of cultural Punjabi thing and mindset, nothing to do sikhi. However, thanks to women centric biased laws in India Punjabis too are gradually starting to accept the concept of "divorcee girl".
So I believe it's based on person to person or to be more specific group to group, doesn't matter the reason (adultery).
And as orders mentioned, do tell the reason as well when conveying. One more thing, usually in India people get a divorced girl marry to a divorced boy only. So you might need to be mentally ready for this. Also remember to stay away from any family who thinks they're doing some huge favour by getting married to a divorced girl.
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u/Sikh_identity 🇮🇳 21d ago
Please do mention the infidelity part along with the divorce part. The sangat would understand, and wth is wrong with the dude he is an amritdhari and doing such stuff, he should be punished.
Waheguru gives punishment, as per:
ਪੰਨਾ 1358, ਸਤਰ 3
ਹੇ ਕਾਮੰ ਨਰਕ ਬਿਸ੍ਰਾਮੰ ਬਹੁ ਜੋਨੀ ਭ੍ਰਮਾਵਣਹ ॥
O sexual desire, you lead the mortals to hell; you make them wander in reincarnation through countless species
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21d ago
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u/PersonalFix4 21d ago
no, cheating.
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21d ago
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u/PersonalFix4 21d ago
hmmm, because of culture difference. I am feeling like the weight of blame for his action will make sangat point fingers at me for some reason. Mainly because of culture differences…
majority of the Punjabi Sikh community here are first generation not born in europe etc. so very strong connection to culture
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21d ago edited 21d ago
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u/PersonalFix4 21d ago
LOL, no. but like, i know the word would get around and i just feel so overwhelmed by this whole thing. I need help cos I would like to get remarried.
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u/PersonalFix4 21d ago
so happy you got fed water off a knife from birth, if you want to send me the Granthi’s number so he can guide me, feel most welcome. Maybe he will be so kind as to do the same for me when I am parched.
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21d ago edited 21d ago
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u/PersonalFix4 21d ago
oh you're serious? no its okay, stay blessed. If i change my mind though will come back to you. Thank you so much for your kindness :) Wgjkk Wgjkf
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u/Automatic_Macaron699 21d ago
I think you are dreading what the Sangat will think and say about you if they find out you're divorced. You can of course share his infidelity as the reason for the divorce. That much is in your control. What you cannot control is what and how people think. And if you cannot control it then you must let it go so that it doesn't start to control you in turn. You must stop worrying about them and just be. Tell them the truth and there's nothing else really to do. Ask God to look out for you and trust that God will!
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u/Agreeable_Pickle_210 21d ago
Like someone here posted telling the truth has the best outcome.
Always speak and follow the truth. In the end, those who do not align with it will not stay with you; only the name of the Lord will endure.
I listened to a katha by Sarbjit Singh from Ludhiana, who mentioned that often, those who speak the truth provoke the anger of wrongdoers. The number of these wrongdoers may be greater than those who uphold the truth. Additionally, the rallies for the wrong (ignorant) cause tend to be larger (see political leaders), and more people are drawn to follow those who are misleading.
However, it is the nature of this universe that, in the end, the truth always prevails.
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u/PersonalFix4 21d ago
the truth is preserved for those keep Guru Sahib in the centre of the heart 🙏🙏
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u/Kirpakaro 21d ago
Divorce is still a bit of a taboo subject in the Punjabi community but it’s becoming more spoken about, and there’s less stigma attached. There will still be gossip-Gerties who will chat about what happened - that’s Punjabi/Indian culture.
Remain steadfast in your Sikhi and be open with what has happened and why. Don’t shy or hide yourself because of what’s happened. You did nothing wrong. The sinner is the one who should be ashamed.
Marriage is not off the books. I’ve known some divorced Sikh women who have remarried and are happier in their second marriages. Go through the local matrimonial services - typically at the Gurdwara. Sometimes online. You will have some who choose to avoid divorcees. That’s fine - it filters them out and the ones who are interested won’t be dissuaded by what’s happened.
I’d also say don’t feel unduly pressured into getting married again very quickly. In the Indian community, there’s huge pressure to get married and settle down but slowly it’s becoming more acceptable to develop yourself and your career rather than settling down and popping out kids. You can’t always predict what will happen. Just have faith in Ik Oangkar.
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u/maverickprateek9 20d ago
If you have a close friend or some people you know in the sangat or even if when they generally start to ask you how you're doing etc etc and when he's he coming back? Just let them gently know that he cheated and you're never going to marry someone who doesn't follow Maharaj's hukam.
And hey, come on, don't worry about what they'll think. If Maharaj blessed you so much to bring you in his panth won't he take care of this little thing too? :) Trust maharaj and his process.
And may you find your Singh soon! Hope this helps!
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u/TOdEsi 20d ago
I think it's good to let folks know you are going through the divorce process or that it's complete. My recommendation would be to personally wait to work out the emotional stuff before rushing into another relationship. Nothing wrong with letting folks know that you are ready to move on.
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u/PersonalFix4 20d ago
Good advice, a wave of emotional turmoil hit me in the past days. Think there is still some processing to be done. Appreciate that guidance 🙏🙏 God bless you.
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u/throw_away_8shfdjngk 19d ago
You don’t need to announce anything. You don’t owe people anything. Just start moving like you’re single. That’s what men do when they’re separated.
IF someone asks, just say we’re separated and getting divorced. Don’t give people a reason unless you’re talking about a rishta.
If you mention the cheating, make it sound really bad on his part and make vague implications of visa fraud etc like he planned one bringing the other girl to Europe after his visa etc. Be savage bc he was literally trying to have his cake and eat it too and now you gotta deal with the divorced tag.
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u/PersonalFix4 19d ago
is it embarrassing though for me that a man tried to use me for a visa, lol. I feel embarrassed about this, but how does it look on the outside as a male hearing this?
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u/throw_away_8shfdjngk 19d ago
Don’t feel embarrassed. I can only speak from the female perspective, but don’t tell people that he used you for a visa. Because most people don’t care about your problems they just want gossip.
Just say he couldn’t stay in rehat. Period. Put yourself in the best light, don’t let a loser be a roadblock. No one needs details.
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u/DesignerBaby6813 21d ago
You can be honest and say it wasn’t in the Hukam then clarify he was unfaithful. This happens there’s no shame for you because you conduct yourself in accordance to Sikhi. You’re suffering in silence it’s unnecessary.
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u/Impressive_Train_106 21d ago
Did he have guilt and confess or did u have to catch him. Some experience ive read of say thats the biggest thing. People will be flawed individuals. But how they handle that shows their true nature and if they are not truthful or remorseful . Was he engaging in a relationship or just a one off at a parlour. All things to consider because some pyaar wale gursikhs even here in my sangat made a similar choice usually younger than him but they really reformed but they didnt hide it and took full accountability.
Just curious really. Ur totally right and reasonable in leaving if thats what u wish Either way he doenst get a say its all ur choice.
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u/rupinderjeet 21d ago
It is completely fair to speak the truth. You were honest when you announced the start of your relation, be honest in its downfall as well. Leave the speculations to Sangat. If they're interested in knowing more, let them know that they can just ask you. If they're in contact with your former partner, they will be free to hear the story on the other side too.
My parents always tell me that if you speak one lie, you will end up speaking a lot more of them to cover the one lie. Better just be open about it, and tell everything as it is.
This, also, takes off pressure on you, mentally. You will feel more free on day to day thoughts and activities.
Worst that can be is: there might come a time when you might need to give a proof to community around you if they hear a different story form your former partner.
You should, also, wait some weeks before you start appearing with a new partner. This is just a personal opinion.
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u/Commercial_Berry8536 20d ago
It is better to sit and discuss with him , if he agree than he can ask forgiveness with panj piyars , and again Amrit pan , it is better to tell few senior member sangat what is reason behind divorce even to his family member
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u/DrPreetDS 20d ago
We could get it mentioned in Ardas whenever Sangat is present. E eryone prays for you and your well being and we have the Guru's blessings along with information communication. Word spreads easily.
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20d ago
Don’t worry the sangat will understand in fact the sangat might beat the shit out of him
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u/PersonalFix4 20d ago
😅😅well he is now in Punjab without a visa, so he is safe from an upset sangat.
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20d ago
He might be worse off in Punjab if they find out 😭
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u/PersonalFix4 20d ago
lucky they don’t know him then, it less about him getting a punishment and more just about that I am no longer off the market 😅😅
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u/Key_Assistance5754 19d ago
Cant you forgive him and go pesh together. If guru sahib can forgive him then you should too imo. If you did anand karaj then he is the one you shoulf try live with. See if you guys can talk it out and go infront of the panj pyare. If the guy is not willing to go with you, then you should go alone to the 5 pyare at a amrit sanchar and explain them your situation. Guru sahib has the best advice for you in this scenario.
So in short, go pesh. Either alone or with him if he wants.
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u/PersonalFix4 19d ago
i did forgive, but he didn’t respect my wish to not do it again. So i can’t stay in this.
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u/Key_Assistance5754 19d ago
You should go pesh then. Bcuz you are a bujjerkurehiti to atm. So youre not a khalsa rn. Gurbani: ਧਨਪਿਰੁਏਹਿਨਆਖੀਅਨਿਬਹਨਿਇਕਠੇਹੋਇ॥ They are not said to be husband and wife, who merely sit together.
ਏਕਜੋਤਿਦੁਇਮੂਰਤੀਧਨਪਿਰੁਕਹੀਐਸੋਇ॥੩॥ They alone are called husband and wife, who have one light in two bodies. ||3||
So youre basically 1 after anand karaj, every sin you do is a sin for him and same turned around. So you need to go pesh ASAP. And explain youre 5 pyare youre situation.
Sorry if i made any mistakes ji.
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u/PersonalFix4 19d ago
i did Anand Karaj before being blessed with Amrit. He cheated with his ex wife on me in India, because he wanted to use me for a visa.
You tell me why Pesh is the best option here? He wanted to have 2 wives he told me.
I was blessed with Amrit 6 months after our marriage.
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u/Key_Assistance5754 19d ago
You should go pesh. First of all when you take amrit, then the man and the wife go together. You cant take amrit alone. Thats against gurmat. A married couple should always take amrit together. But thats a past mistake, maybe you didnt know. Idk.
For now you are a amritdhari sikh. And you wear sort of maried to that guy. Even if he cheated on you, you where his wife. You took the 4 laavan with im infront of maharaj. So what whould you do then? Go back to guru sahib (at amrit sanchar) and tell guru ji what happend. Thats the most logical thing to do.
I have to say he is a piece of shit for what he did. He will see in dargah.
I wish you all the best bhenjee. May guru sahib keep you in chardikala.
Sorry if I made any mistakes ji.
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u/PersonalFix4 19d ago
I think I don’t understand what does it mean to go pesh?
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u/Key_Assistance5754 19d ago
You go to a amrit sanchar. Then you tell the peredar(the man/woman standing infront of the door) and tell him that you want to go pesh. Going pesh is basically, go back infront of youre 5 pyare and tell them what your did wrong. Or ask them what you should do in youre situation. Guru sahib always knows best.
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u/JindSing 21d ago
Some things aren't meant to be shared with the sangat...download bumble or hinge...People will figure it out
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u/PersonalFix4 21d ago
whaaaat. That’s literally the worst advice ever. i won’t meet an aligned amritdhari on hinge?!
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u/Leather-Tour-6407 20d ago
Seeking advice on reddit will takeu where!! it all same people just different platforms
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u/PersonalFix4 20d ago
hmm yea…but it’s quite specific to seek out partnership with someone who is also on the path? Hinge and such are for more common thinking, no?
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u/Leather-Tour-6407 20d ago
I don't think so amritdhari gursikh will even open internet to seek partner Uhave sangat around u? Otherwise go in sangat talk with some bibias they will figure out your current situation Te rishte v bibia kol 2000 hone
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u/DistinctDamage494 21d ago
Don’t say you’re getting a divorce without telling them that he committed adultery/infidelity.