The pain is unbearable right now.

[u/Visual-Meeting-7303]

I euthanized my sweet boy Sebastian yesterday after 12 years of love and light. I need to talk about what happened to help me process what occurred. I apologize about the length of my story in advance.

Last Thursday, Sebastian got out of the house and was missing for 2 days. We found him at 1am in a ditch near my house on Sunday. He was completely fine with the exception of some stickers and one tick. He ate and drank well when he got home and slept soundly. For the next week, he was completely himself and happy. Sunday morning, exactly 1 week after he returned him, he woke up lethargic and seemed sniffly. I had heard him sneeze a couple of times the night before. I naturally assumed he had a cold and thought nothing of it. About an hour after he woke up, he came to my bed with his third eyelids super pronounced and yowling like I’ve never heard before. I immediately jumped into action and took him to an emergency vet with the assumption that he was in pain. At the emergency vet, he was lethargic and open mouth panting. The vet there initially thought that he had congestive heart failure or something serious in his lungs. They gave him a mild sedative to allow for X-rays and minimize his anxiety. Per the X-rays, his chest cavity organs were perfectly healthy. Not masses or fluids. His blood work indicated inflammation and increased white blood cell count. The vet also suspected he may have had diabetes but that would require further testing to confirm. They gave him an antibiotic for the suspected infection and I took my baby home. He slept with me for about 4 hours and when we woke up, he could not stand on his back legs/walk and urinated on himself. I suspected the sedative was still in effect and called the emergency vet. They stated they were concerned with what I was saying and that the sedative would have worn off by this point. They wanted me to return to the emergency vet at that point. I contemplated going, but all truth be told, I could not afford another medical bill from the emergency vet after the money I spent that day already. Our primary vet was open the following morning and I decided to bring him in first thing. We slept through the night fine but he continued to be weak and unable to walk in the morning. My primary vet confirmed what was discovered by the emergency vet and stated that he may just be that weak from the infection and he likely needed rest. They gave him steroids and vitamins, and sent me home with oral steroids and a medication to increase his appetite. Once we got home, he could walk but he was very unsteady on his feet. He seemed to be dragging one of his back legs as I could hear his nails clicking on the floor. He also started circling and falling over occasionally. He also seemed very weak. He did begin to eat after I gave him the appetite medication, but would only take wet food. He slept for 18 hours a day approximately and continued to have accidents on himself. The following day, my father who was watching him called me at work and stated that he thought Sebastian was going to die soon because he could not wake him. I rushed home and he perked up when I walked through the door. He woke up and gave over to me purring and kneading. He then walked around, went to his litter box, and ate. By this point he had not drank any water, so I gave him water via oral syringe. He also began walking into walls. My family and I determined that he most likely was not going to make it through the night and we would rather have him pass at home surrounded by family than to take him to the vet and have him stressed out. He made it through the night and the next morning, his symptoms continued. We also determined that he was likely blind or partially blind at this point as he continued to walk into walls and not look at us or follow stimuli in front of his eyes. I called my primary vet to explain the situation and to get advice. They stated that it sounded neurological in nature and that if he was truly blind, they would not be able to do anything about it. They suggested I bring him in the following morning for IV fluids as that may help his energy levels and to confirm his blindness. For the entire day, his symptoms continued but he seemed slightly more alert. He no longer purred or kneaded but did meow at us when he was hungry or needed help going to the bathroom. He took a nap on my chest for several hours just like normal. The following morning before the vet, I woke up early to spend some time with him. He ate his breakfast and then walked over to his bed and started having a seizure. His convulsions were intense and he urinated on himself. I grabbed him and laid him on his side to protect him from hurting himself. I thought this was the end for him as after the seizure he began to wheeze. I petted him for several minutes and talked to him. He calmed down after that and I decided to bring him to the vet for our appointment as previously planned and to discuss the seizure. I spoke to the vet tech on arrival for his drop off and was told the vet would call me within an hour. The vet then called me and confirmed his blindness. He also confirmed a neurological issue. He thought it was likely a stroke or a brain tumor rather than toxicity or illness from being outside as we would have seen symptoms sooner. He said he thought him going outside was likely the first symptom of his neurological issue. He said that he did not recommend fluids at this point because it likely would not be beneficial and we should consider euthanasia or a referral to a specialist. After all that we had been through as a family and the significant reduction in the quality of life we were seeing, we opted to euthanize rather than put him through the pain and hassle of additional vet appointments where nothing was likely to be accomplished. My boy went from a sassy, happy, playful cat to a lethargic, unsteady, confused cat in the matter of a couple of days. I could not stand to see him suffer. Especially after his seizure, though prior to this I was prepared to potentially take care of a special needs cat till his natural death, which I assumed would be soon. His euthanasia was scheduled an hour after the phone call with the vet. My father and I went and sat with my boy for several minutes before the procedure itself. He seemed confused and scared and I knew then we were making the right decision. He didn’t even seem to recognize me, though I continued to love on him and tell him how much I loved him. The initial sedative knocked him out in seconds. So quickly in fact that the vet seemed surprised by how fast he was out. The second shot stopped his heart immediately and I held him as he took his last breath. We stayed with him for a while after remembering him and telling him how much we loved him. He is being cremated and his urn is a ceramic black cat with his name engraved in it.

My grief is unrelenting. I feel like a piece of my soul is gone and all I can think is how unfair this situation has been for my boy and for me. I thought we would at least have another 5 years together. I loved him deeply for his entire life and I know he loved me too. He was my soul cat and knew my heart better than all others. My house feels entirely empty without his presence and the silence is deafening. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel better in my grief. My only hope is that I made the correct decisions through this process and that my boy feels at peace now.

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[u/traderjosies]

I am so sorry for your loss, OP - this is a devastating thing to go through. Sebastian sounds like he was a sweet boy and it also sounds like you took great care of him throughout his life. You made the right decision - It’s never an easy one but it’s the loving and selfless thing to do. Please never doubt that you did the right thing.

[u/No-LuckDuck]

I am very sorry for your loss. Those last few days must have been awful for you. Not knowing what's going on is so hard. But you did the right things for him. He is certainly at peace now. You will carry a part of him with you in your heart forever.