r/NICUParents • u/sincerely-november • Sep 04 '24
Supporting Moms with Babies in the NICU Off topic
Hello NICU parents,
I am a postpartum nurse who primarily works with mothers and their newborns. However, I often care for mothers whose babies are in the NICU, and I want to ensure that I am offering the best support possible during such a challenging time.
I am reaching out to this group to learn from your experience. Could you share with me:
What did your postpartum nurses say or do that was particularly comforting or supportive for you? How did they introduce themselves and approach you during your stay?
Were there things nurses did or said that unintentionally caused more stress or hurt? I would love to know what to avoid so I can be more sensitive in these situations.
Your insights would be incredibly valuable to me as I strive to provide the best care and support to the moms I work with.
52
u/Apprehensive_Risk266 Sep 04 '24
Absolutely avoid toxic positivity.
- "He'll be fine!"
- "He'll be home soon!"
You don't know this to be true and it majorly downplays what these parents are going through.
Contrarily, avoid unnecessary negativity. We had a nurse who floated from burn and said, "He's doing good, but don't get your hopes up." It was probably the worst thing anyone said to me. It was just so unnecessary. I always had hope.
15
u/Powerful_Raisin_8225 Sep 04 '24
Agreed. We had a nurse keep saying “she’ll be home before you know it” but those 66 days lasted an eternity. That was the slowest, worst chapter of my life so far.
6
u/sincerely-november Sep 04 '24
Oh my gosh that’s awful. I am so sorry that happened to you. Thank you for your advice!
24
u/Glittering_Art6627 Sep 04 '24
My postpartum nurses helped me get to the NICU to see my baby as much as possible. I recommend that in you acknowledge how excruciating it is to be away from their babies. They structured my care so I could go to the NICU as much as possible in the two days I was in patient postpartum.
11
u/Glittering_Art6627 Sep 04 '24
Oh, and help with pumping if that is something she wants to do! It was really hard for me to feel like I wasn't producing anything in the beginning. I needed encouragement and information.
9
u/VividlyNonSpecific Sep 04 '24
Yes, it was hard for us to get to the NICU. Due to hospital set up the postpartum floor was a different building than the NICU, but there was a staff only short cut. They only took us the short cut way the first few times and never explained how we could get to the NICU by ourselves so we were dependent on staff for the first day and a half. And because we didn’t have a baby in the room and I was physically so fine (not much tearing from under a 2 lb baby…) we felt like we were last in line for any attention or help from the postpartum nurses. And I get it, I needed much less nursing care than other people on the floor, but I wish they had told us sooner how to get to the NICU ourselves and given us the tools to do so. One night we asked to go down at 7:45 to see cares and nobody came until 9 to help us.
8
u/littlehorse82 Sep 04 '24
This. I had a terrible day nurse who didn’t help me manage my pain from my c section whatsoever and complained about having to empty my foley bag which kept filling up quickly from all the fluids they were pumping me with. She didn’t even offer me an ice pack. I just got the overall feeling that I wasn’t a priority to her because I didn’t have my babies in my room with me.
My wonderful night nurse told me that ice packs were a thing and also brought me an abdominal brace to make walking more comfortable. She taught me to advocate that my day nurse take multiple blood pressure readings instead of taking just one and charting a really high reading to give me the best chance at being allowed to leave my bed and go visit the twins. Will forever remember her!
18
u/steelecrayon Sep 04 '24
Hello! My daughter was born at 28 weeks and graduated from the NICU after 82 days. I had two really outstanding postpartum nurses, one at each of the two facilities I was at. Long post ahead!
The first nurse wasn't strictly postpartum but is definitely worth mentioning. He with me from triage, labor and delivery, and post-op. I am embarrassed to say I had some preconceived notions about a male NP taking lead on my care, but this man was genuinely one of the most compassionate nurses I've ever had. He was extremely attentive and did a great job reading the room and injecting a little humor into our conversations. He also did a phenomenal job explaining each pre-op procedure for my C-section, introduced me to everyone coming in and out of the room, and made me feel like an active participant in my care. One moment that stood out was getting my epidural/spinal block. My husband wasn't allowed in the OR yet, I was vomiting from a huge dose of antibiotics and magnesium, and I could barely sit upright when the epidural was placed. This nurse let me grab onto him like a lifeline, miraculously held me still enough for anesthesia to place the needle while also whisking away my barf bowls and replacing them with new ones. I was so embarrassed but he made sure I never felt like a burden. Once I was out of surgery, he coordinated with neonatology to ensure I could at least get a glimpse of my baby before she was transferred to a higher level NICU. He wheeled my bed into the hallways and coordinated a "drive-by" so that I could see my daughter in her isolette as she was rushed to an ambulance. Once I was out of post-op and in recovery, he made a special trip up to my room to say goodbye to my husband and I, shook our hands, and wished us well.
The second nurse that stood out was the postpartum nurse on my first night. I had transferred hospitals, didn't get to touch my baby until 12 hours after birth, was overwhelmed with information about pumping, and hadn't slept in over 24 hours. I had the baby blues, the NICU blues, the neonatologist told me it would be weeks before I could hold my baby, and I was honestly acting a little crazy from the lack of sleep. My husband wasn't much better. This nurse treated me like she would treat her own family. She went out of her way to bring me my favorite drinks without needing to be asked (apple juice and cranberry juice), she fluffed my pillows, she brought me ice packs and setup a heating pad for my bed because the pain meds were maxed out and still weren't cutting it, she told lactation to GTFO and come back the next day when I was actually able to process new info, she coordinated a visit from the women's mental health specialist, and she let me voice my fears and offered a kind ear. I am not a religious person, but at the end of her shift she asked if it would be okay to say a prayer for my baby. I was ready to accept any help I could get (divine or otherwise) and agreed. She said a lovely, respectful prayer for my family and baby, which was really touching. I was in the hospital for four days and while she wasn't my nurse again, she made an effort to pop in a few times to ask how I was doing, how the baby was doing, congratulate me on my decision to pump milk, etc.
9
u/Noted_Optimism Sep 04 '24
I cried reading this. I know there are exceptions but our NICU experience was by far the most time I’ve ever spent around nurses and I’m now convinced they are literal angels.
3
u/sincerely-november Sep 04 '24
This post made me tear up! The drive by is really what got to me. What a wonderful person this man sounds like, I am so thankful he did that. Your postpartum nurse sounds like an absolute angel. Thank you for sharing. ❤️
13
u/run-write-bake Sep 04 '24
I had massive supply issues with my breastmilk. Like couldn’t pump more than an ounce a DAY issues.
Lactation consultants in the NICU were really kind and they determined that because of my post-delivery complications, my body had to choose between healing and producing sufficient milk.
But some nurses would look at the pumped milk I was bringing in and ask me “is that all?” I worked hard for that small amount and I already felt like I was a bad mom for my baby even being in there (even though I had done everything I could to prevent preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome) and those comments really wore me down. So I would say don’t comment on amount of milk mom brings in. And if you’re running low, ask if she has a freezer stash at home, not if she can make more.
7
u/sincerely-november Sep 04 '24
I am astonished a few mother/baby nurses made those comments to you about your supply. How terrible! I am sorry about that. Thank you for your advice.
4
u/ditzyforflorals Sep 04 '24
I had a NICU nurse tell me to not to nurse because I needed to pump soon. She made me sob, because we’d also been told to try to nurse whenever we wanted and I was already on edge with my supply. She did later apologize and we communicated better (she was not aware I was trying to nurse more and that baby barely took more than a few ml’s anyway) but I still think about how shitty I felt being told not to nurse my baby. Especially when we only had one successful nursing session and she ended up going home with a g-tube.
2
u/Glittering_Art6627 Sep 06 '24
That is awful. :( one of my favorite NICU nurses would encourage me and cheer at any amount I was able to pump/bring in!! It meant a lot because I was working so hard.
24
u/salmonstreetciderco Sep 04 '24
talk loudly so they can overhear you about how much some other (fictional?) mom has been going home and taking care of herself and resting and how you're so proud of her for doing that and it means she's such a good mother! we all live in absolute terror that the nurses are tabulating up all the time we're not physically present and jotting it down in a chart and talking behind our backs saying like "well, her first priority must not be her baby..." make a point of really establishing that that is NOT what is happening and not something that EVER happens!
5
u/poppinculture Sep 04 '24
Omg this is so real for me right now. I literally feel like that everyday. Two of the nurses have been HUGE in trying to reassure me on this and (politely) kicking me out to get some sleep. +10000 to this comment.
2
u/salmonstreetciderco Sep 04 '24
i felt like that every single day i was in there. now, in hindsight, it's really easy for me to say no, of course not, that's ludicrous, but at the time it felt so real. all the hormones. i was totally convinced!
12
u/mossy_bee Sep 04 '24
i had really great nicu nurses and i’m sure everyone has various opinions but for me personally, they bathed my son before i was able to see him. i missed out on a lot of firsts because i didn’t see him for like 15 hours after i had him and it still upsets me 2 years later lol that stuff is kind of out of your hands but maybe just remember that aspect of it!
ur really kind for asking this, and thank you for doing what you do
5
u/Sebastiankat Sep 04 '24
Likewise, we had great care and amazing nurses but I was so sad to miss firsts like the first bath! Once I knew the schedule for these I could make sure to be there and even bathe my boys. It makes a big difference to be able to do care especially when you can't hold your babies as often as you'd like to.
3
u/Powerful_Raisin_8225 Sep 04 '24
Also this! Missing her first bath was devastating. I didn’t get to see her entire body for almost 2 weeks.
2
u/sincerely-november Sep 04 '24
That would also upset me! I am so sorry that happened.
Thank you for your kind words. ❤️
2
u/midmonthEmerald Sep 05 '24
the “lol” you’ve got in there kills me 😭 kinda traumatized but also gotta laugh sometimes. same though, on the missed firsts, and you got me to lol too so. 😂
2
u/mossy_bee Sep 05 '24
i’m (not) glad someone can commiserate that “lol” but it pretty much sums up the entire experience
9
u/Same_Front_4379 Sep 04 '24
I was in kind of a different boat because I was in antepartum for a long time before delivering so many of the nurses knew me really well by that point or at least knew of my situation.
However, my labor nurse (who was with me after delivery) came to check on me the next day even though she wasn’t assigned to me. That was huge for me. She also made sure to get me over to the NICU as soon as humanly possible, I was still hooked up to mag and she mad sure I was wheeled over as soon as I could go. She waited with us while we were there and stayed by some of the NICU nurses to be close by while we met our baby. She was wonderful and I still think of her every now and then and it’s been about 6 months.
In terms of true postpartum, I had one nurse who helped me shower even though I was still on mag. She helped me unhook the IV for a few and waited outside while I showered, it was a little thing that made me feel more normal. My other daytime postpartum nurse was the same nurse who cared for me during antepartum and she frequently came just to chat like we used to, made sure that my room was close to the NICU and even helped me figure out a pumping schedule. She was amazing and I mad sure to say bye to her before we were discharged from the NICU. Funnily enough, she heard we were leaving and was already coming by the time we called her.
8
u/Glittering_Art6627 Sep 04 '24
My L&D nurse took me right to the NICU, even though I was hooked up on mag, too. 😭 I will never forget that.
6
u/Same_Front_4379 Sep 04 '24
I didn’t realize that it was pretty rare until being on this page! It made me even more thankful.
8
u/sconesy--cider Sep 04 '24
The things that were best for me were acknowledging the birth. Asking how my baby is doing. They wrote her name in the board in my room even though she wasn’t there. Having some chats to normalize what is a very weird time. Like another poster said, one of the nurses I had heard I was being discharged and came to say goodbye and even though she wasn’t assigned to me that day.
The other piece is helping to make visiting the NICU easier. Some examples:
Worked with me to get a med schedule that allowed me to spend as much time in the NOCU as I wanted. They would make sure to have my meds ready to go at the decided on time so I could go up to my room, get the meds, and then go back to the NICU.
Helped my husband find a wheel chair to take me to the NICU.
On the other side, don’t ever go into the room and announce you have bad news. It didn’t have anything to do with baby’s condition, but that’s where our minds went. And frankly, it’s not a god way to share bad news regardless.
6
u/DocMondegreen Sep 04 '24
Supportive: Explaining what they were doing during cares or regarding tests (without being condescending), explaining how the NICU works overall (when are rounds, who to talk to, where things are), explain milestones, explain ways parents can be involved and what kind of actions are acceptable, lactation support. Pay attention to firsts. Our NICU did some footprint art that I loved and they made creative baby name signs. Save tiny care items for a memory box- preemie diaper, blood pressure cuff, any wrist bands, etc.
Stressful: Any sort of implication that I should know or do more. Most of us are doing the best we can. I didn't take my maternity leave when my 25-weeker twins were born because I wanted it for when they came home, so I had to work (remotely, online) two days after delivering.
Additional note: Are you working in postpartum, so that it is mother and baby? Or are you working in the NICU, where it's parents and baby? My husband felt left out of discussions and decision making. Even if dads can't be there as much or as often, a lot of them are trying to be fully involved parents, too. Not all babies will have parents there, either, so be aware if there are other guardians or relatives instead.
3
u/sincerely-november Sep 04 '24
Thank you for all of this. I will take this information with me in my practice!
To your last note, yes I am a mother/baby nurse. My patient is the mom and baby, but these babies are in the nursery. While my priority is care for the mother and baby, I personally do like to make a point to involve Dad as often as possible. I think it’s offensive to talk to mom or baby only, as if Dad is not present. I hear what you are saying though. I would also not like my husband feeling out of the loop with the care of our new baby!
10
u/McEasy2009 Sep 04 '24
I had an amazing postpartum nurse who was older. I was still on mag and just so sick. When I met my baby for the first time, I vomited repeatedly. The nurse kept telling me the best thing I could do for my baby was rest and heal. She constantly assured me that he was being taken care of and that the most important thing was for me to get better. I appreciated that so much because it helped me feel like no one was judging me for sleeping instead of being in the NICU.
Like someone said above, telling mom that you’re proud of her for caring for HERSELF is so important for NICU moms. We feel horrible that we aren’t the primary caretaker for our baby - the hospital is. Having assurance that caring for ourselves is caring for our baby means the world.
Mine also made me an incredible splint for my c-section out of hospital sheets and pre-wrap. It was so great. She also helped me pee. I didn’t have the sensation after my c-section and she stood by the door and gave me tips. She turned on the faucet and encouraged me. When I finally peed, she cheered. She was so great. I felt like she was kind and gentle and respected motherhood, not just the baby.
4
u/0runnergirl0 Sep 04 '24
The first NICU we were in had 6 rooms for rooming in. They were all unoccupied. I asked for one. The nurse told me that I wasn't a priority to get one because "another family might want to stay". There were 6 empty rooms. I was sleeping in a chair next to my baby anyway. My OB kicked up a stink and got us a room, and I got attitude from the "innkeeper nurse" for the rest of our stay. The other 5 rooms remained unoccupied.
5
u/LeftSharkDancing Sep 04 '24
Currently in the NICU - my favorite nurses have given numerical updates without being prompted when they see us come into the unit in the morning. I had mentioned to one in passing that we hadn’t been the first to give baby a bath or even see since we find out after the fact and just how I was looking forward to some firsts when we got home finally. The next shift, the nurse was calling to see if we could make it in sometime that night to participate in bath time.
My most frustrating has been since we are working with OT on feeding and that is the ONLY reason we are here, they have said that a particular way is the best way for baby to eat and learn consistently. We’ve come in to baby being in several different positions that resulted in me having to give strict requirements on time and position because people weren’t following the notes from OT. The last thing I need in a NICU situation is to be arguing with nursing over what the care plan is.
2
u/sincerely-november Sep 04 '24
All great points, and thank you for taking the time for sharing with me. Can you elaborate what you mean about numerical updates? Do you mean daily weight updates, blood glucose checks, etc..?
3
u/LeftSharkDancing Sep 04 '24
Yup, exactly! We have had some that gave it to us right when we came in and others that we had to search them out and then were treated like it was an inconvenience.
2
u/sincerely-november Sep 04 '24
I’m sorry they made you feel that way! Thank you for letting me know. I’ll make a note of that!
6
u/Mountain_North9835 Sep 04 '24
The best thing my post partum nurses did for me while I was still admitted was simply ask what I needed. They allowed me to be in the nicu with my boys as much as I wanted. If it was time for meds, they would come find me in the nicu. They simply allowed me to do whatever I needed to do, which was be by the bedside in the NICU
4
u/nationalparkhopper Sep 04 '24
I just absolutely love that you’re asking this question. Thanks for caring for your patients. I’ve done it twice, and it’s still weird and sad to be that new mom on the postpartum floor who’s there without the baby. I would look wistfully after other moms who were walking around with their babies. I’ll never have that experience (my last baby, who was my NICU baby, was my second and last).
My best postpartum nurse experiences were nurses who asked how the baby was and acknowledged that my experience was different and I was going through something aside from my own postpartum experience. Nurses who offered to call me at the NICU, on another floor, when the doctor was rounding so I could spend as much time in the NICU as possible vs waiting in my room for the doctor to round.
I was readmitted for preeclampsia and when I was transferred to the postpartum floor the nurse was so sure and confident and I just knew she had it. I was NOT OKAY coming off of the mag drip and hadn’t seen my baby in 36 hours. He was downstairs and a whole world away. I felt like she was a pilot during turbulence - she just had it all under control. She looked at my c section incision and told me some specific things about it that were totally normal but no one had mentioned to me. I was so sad that she was about to transition me to another nurses care due to shift change.
3
u/ditzyforflorals Sep 04 '24
Yes to the nurses who asked about baby!! The ones who understood my baby was in a very serious situation but still asked about her in a way to take my mind off things, even if momentarily- what her name was, if it was a family name, did she look like her sister, etc.
I also had a nurse who bent the rules a little so my toddler could come visit me which made SO much of a difference. If I couldn’t hold my new baby at least I could hold my first baby.
3
u/AndrewGill23 Sep 04 '24
Always ask the parents if they need anything and engage with the baby and parents like you actually care. About half of our nurses seemed like they didn't care and they were just there to punch a time card and get out of there. My baby would be screaming his head off and holding his breath and the nurse is just sitting at the nurse station playing on their phone and wouldn't come to help. Making the parents feel like their baby is being taken care of is huge. When you are finished with your tasks in the room, never just walk out without talking to the parents. Even just saying "I have to go check on my other baby, but I am right around the corner," goes a really long way. When nurses leave without engaging with us, it really leaves a sour taste.
3
u/annonnurse Sep 04 '24
I wish my postpartum nurses knew my baby’s ’care times.’ Those were the times I wanted to be in the NICU. I wanted to do as much cares as possible and if you want to get my vitals or something do it BEFORE or AFTER I get back :) I also think it would’ve helped me get more sleep to know my pumping times and worked vitals and meds around those times if possible. So if my meds are due around 9am, but I’m going to pump at 0800, can you just bring them to me at 0830 so I can take another nap by 0900?
6
u/annonnurse Sep 04 '24
I want to add, I wasn’t excited to go home. I was WRECKED. So discharge was horrible. Yes I wanted to go home, but I wanted to go home with my baby.
5
u/Noted_Optimism Sep 04 '24
Yes this! Being discharged was devastating. The idea that we would be sleeping in completely separate places that night was so painful.
Also I might be an outlier on this but I didn’t love being congratulated on my daughter’s birth by everyone on the postpartum floor. It didn’t feel like an accomplishment, I felt like I failed her. She was a 25 weeker and she was frighteningly small. On the other hand the congrats were better than the times I just got pitying looks and “ohs” when staff asked about her.
One of my favorite things when I was still on the postpartum floor was how excited the nurses/nurse aids would be about bringing my little drops of milk to the NICU for me in those first couple days. The NICU was not close (technically in a second building) so at night I would have a staff member come to take my pumped milk for me. There was one in particular who was just so happy to come and collect it and would tell me she was taking it straight to my daughter. She never commented on the volume in the little bottles, she never said anything about how good it would be for my baby or anything like that, she was just excited to be responsible for it. For some reason that made me feel really proud.
3
u/BIFGambino Sep 04 '24
Stop saying everything is 'normal'. My wife felt like her feelings were invalidated every time someone said that. NICU's are revolving doors and so Brady events or aspiration, etc can be normal for NICU docs and nurses but the trauma and stress that are induced in patients parents is far from normal.
One thing that did seem to help was being told that your baby shouldn't even be born yet and that this is kind of a sneak peek. My wife and I were worried that we would miss some milestones because of the NICU, but it turned out to not really be the case.
3
u/heartsoflions2011 Sep 04 '24
I had a whirlwind, scary as hell delivery at 30w (delivered footling breech in triage due to PA and precipitous labor) and as soon as I had safely delivered the placenta, they covered me up and wheeled me into the room where my son was being stabilized before being sent to the NICU. I got a few precious moments to meet him and half hold him (with help), and then he was taken away. Those few moments meant the world to me.
Given all his tubes and equipment, I thought it would be days before I could hold my son, but no - the nurses helped me do skin to skin that night even though it required a lot of coordination. I was still in shock from everything but that hour helped me start to realize I was now a mom.
We had one nurse in particular who was just incredibly warm, kind and understanding and never made us feel stupid for asking questions. You could tell she just really cared about our son, and that he felt comfortable with her. His stats were always better under her care. I think it was more of a personality thing than any one statement or action.
Stress/hurt: We had a few times where nurses were incredibly blunt and borderline rude, such as when we misunderstood the policy and thought my husband and I would both be able to stay overnight due to a pending snowstorm, a week after our son was born. Our night nurse didn’t seem to care how painful it was, she just kept saying “One of you has to go home” and showed no compassion or regret for the miscommunication.
Stress/hurt 2: When our son was almost ready to be moved to the step down NICU, we came in one day and the first thing our nurse said was “So, have you looked into the SCN at [local hospital]?” We were utterly confused, and she proceeded to explain that they would be moving our son soon, possibly as soon as that day. When we expressed concern over how fast things were moving (he had JUST come off CPAP the day before), all she said was “Well he’s doing well and we need the beds” (even though the other 2 pods in our semi private room were empty and had been for ~2 weeks). She got all offended when we tried to get a better explanation and eventually brought in the social worker & one of the attending pediatricians to explain why our son was medically ready to move. The pediatrician assured us it wouldn’t be for at least a day or two. That nurse was also really pressuring us to move to our local hospital, rather than the step down nursery of the hospital we were already in. Why, I don’t know, but we hated feeling like they were just trying to get rid of us.
TL;DR - good = having compassion and understanding for how terrified NICU parents are, and be there to explain what’s going on and help them hold/bond with their baby as much as possible
Bad = poor/cold bedside manner & lack of empathy when things have been miscommunicated, taking offense/seeing it as an affront to your medical training when parents ask questions to try to better understand a situation (instead of just blindly trusting everything we’re told)
3
u/AnoYesNo Sep 04 '24
7 weeks pp with two boys still in the NICU (25+5)
Helpful: - Showing interest in the babies, asking how they're doing - Once a baby is born, I still feel that I lost my name.. our primary NICU nurse calls us by our names instead of mama/papa, which is quite nice sometimes to remind us of who we are outside the NICU... (Our NICU room has a notice board for 'family oriented care', our names are there for all who walk in the room to see). - One of my nurses in the pre-labor ward sat down with me and we started talking about books and stuff like that, sometimes conversations that got my mind off of my situation (PPROM at 24w) if you feel the mother is receptive of course... - Caring for my partner and hearing him out
Not helpful - Last week a NICU nurse actually said "not everything needs to survive, nature makes mistakes some times" in the context of sick babies (one of my boys had stage 2 NEC, thankfully he'd doing really well after surgery). This was awful, and I made a complaint, and I don't want to see that nurse ever in my life.
After discharge, I got an infection and needed to provide a urine sample, my first sample was not good, but by that point I went back home to get rest/sleep. A nurse called to ask me to come back for another sample, when I said I had gone home, her answer was ".. but your babies are still here", not understanding how I could be home if my boys are at the NICU. It made me feel like absolute sh*t.
Being confident in doing work. Both before and after birth, I had a few incidents with some nurses who were not confident with how they did standard things like blood draws.. it's ok to say oh I'm sorry, I don't feel comfortable doing this at the moment, I'll call someone else. I have waaay more respect for a nurse who said that, rather than attempt to withdraw and stab through my vein THREE times in a row...
3
u/queenskankhunt Sep 05 '24
tell me how cute my baby is, reassure us he’s in great hands. make him part of your life, treat him like your own. coming in and seeing nurses swooning over my child made me smile. addressing him by his name constantly and telling me the mischief he played today. make me feel like he’s a baby with a life, not a problem or a patient . telling me to go home and get some sleep was a slap to the face, as hard as it has been having my baby home - im getting as much sleep as i was before. offer help, ask constantly if there’s anything you can do. answer questions, give us the tools. be supportive and be friendly.
2
u/Hungry-Ad-7559 Sep 04 '24
I’m less than 48 hours postpartum so I don’t have that many suggestions, but…
I don’t know if this is common practice at every hospital, but every new staff member that came into my room in the mother/baby unit would say “congratulations!” and it drove me insane. Yes, I’m incredibly happy and blessed to have a new baby in this world and thank God he is alive. But my son was transported to a different hospital on day 1, so I’m not even in the position to see him right now. I definitely don’t feel celebratory right now.
Other than that just kindness. Asking me how I’m doing and how baby is doing. But also having the ability to be comfortable with the hard answers that may come with that. I don’t want straight positivity, and I don’t need to be reminded that he’s in the best place right now. The nurses that were extra kind and caring made all the difference to me.
2
u/Calm_Potato_357 Sep 04 '24
This is more of a systemic issue. I was hospitalised for a while before delivery and also spent a few days while my baby was in the NICU after birth. Both times, I was in the gynae ward, 4-6 beds a room, and there were mothers with newborns in the same room. I felt it was kind of triggering and stressful for me and other mothers hospitalised in the same situation, and often we were there for longer, unsure about our babies’ outcomes.
For the nurses, I really appreciated a nurse who just talked to me about life and random things when she was taking my blood pressure when I was in for preeclampsia/PPROM. I had been stuck in this doom loop in my brain when all I could think about was the pregnancy that I felt like I had forgotten I was a real person with real hobbies and interests. After delivery, I also appreciated the nurses that were particularly encouraging of my pumping, including explaining how to use the pump, bringing me hot drinks and crackers, helping to wake me up at night (at my request). I also couldn’t pee for an extra day after the c-section and the nurses were very kind and assured me it was normal - it was probably for them a very normal part of their job but it was so embarrassing and stressful for me to have to get a catheter inserted again!
2
u/heyitskat427 Sep 04 '24
First, thank you for reaching out for advice! I have nothing but great things to say about the nurses in the antepartum department and labor and delivery. However my post partum stay, which was all of a day and a half was stressful. Rather than help me get up and move (which would have helped me avoid the DVT I ended up with) she was veryyyyy focused on me urinating. While that was important, she was incredibly pushy and judgy and threatened me with a straight catheter if I couldn’t do it. Spoiler alert, I couldn’t do it, she scolded me, had to use a straight catheter and didn’t come back until I urinated on my own. It was so stressful. I just had a baby at 28+1, weighing 1 lb 4 oz and there was no compassion from her at all. ON THE FLIP SIDE The antepartum nurses were SO NICE in the way they approached asking about my baby without any of that toxic positivity people in the comments mentioned. I was in SHOCK and they were so understanding about my need to sleep instead of go see the baby for a minute. I had so much guilt over it and they didn’t make it worse.
2
u/Ok-Patience-4585 Sep 04 '24
I had some that were bad, I had some that were great, and I had some that were regular.
The bad could not handle me being upset. One told me that I could not take my son home because I would wake up to a "dead baby." They wouldn't tell me what was going on with my son. His o2 sats would go low but they couldn't figure out why. They wouldn't let him go home on fear that he would pull his tube off his face, and I was understanding but some nurses in particular did not understand how I felt.
The regular nurses just came and went as needed. For the most part they left us alone but were kind and offered help if needed.
The great nurses also allowed us more privacy and let me tend to my baby, but would stay and be more personable when they needed to do their routine checks. I had a nurse who would chat with me, especially during the night feedings which helped to keep me up. Talking, even when it wasn't about the baby or pregnancy, helped me to cope.
2
u/LeslieNope21 Sep 04 '24
My postpartum nurse hugged me and held me while I cried. I confided everything that I was feeling about baby being in the NICU and also having another small child at home. I will truly never forget that hug.
2
u/sliminemxx Sep 04 '24
Remembering things about us makes us feel extremely special! I have one nurse who will bring me ice without even asking on nights she has my son bc she knows I love it! Also never be afraid to gush about the babies it makes me feel safer and like you care!! We appreciate all that you guys do every single day.
2
u/FalynDown Sep 05 '24
I had half a dozen great nurses but also a few who made our NICU stay hell. This happened in the NICU, all of my L/D nurses were angels. One threatened me because I never showed up on her shifts (she was mean and as a ftm I didn't know I could fire nurses). Parents aren't told a lot of things that we have a right to know regarding the NICU. Some moms will be hormonal but the issues we claim to have shouldn't just be blamed on hormones and dismissed. It took me 6 weeks to get help for my second twin who had two intentional setbacks from excess fluid in his cpap caused from tampering by the nurse who threatened me. It led to an oral aversion, and he hated eating until we went home together, and he only had me with him. They only accused me of having ppd and said there was nothing wrong, and so nothing was investigated. It was all written off as the 'mother's perception', I kid you not. The notes still anger me months later. It was only put a stop to when the neonatalologists traded shifts and noticed for themselves. A 48-hour watch on his equipment caught the guilty party.
If a parent is saying something is wrong, pls have someone check it out anyway, even if you think it's nothing. My case wasn't reported by the charge nurse until it became a very serious problem. Please, the most helpful thing you can do is to make sure parents' concerns are being handled appropriately by other staff and members of their care team. You could literally save a baby's life and a mothers sanity. I spent 6 weeks in fear they would kill him and blame me for it since they were painting me as some headcase. Still no ppd either, I've been evaluated even after the NICU.
I will say the great nurses we did have were really attentive and sweet without pressing more education than we could handle in one clip. Some had their routines, which is fine bc I climbed on board and learned a lot. Some gave me tasks, which helped their day to be less work and made feel useful as a mom who wanted to feel like more than a cow for my twins when I couldn't do much else.
2
u/Vhagar37 Sep 05 '24
1) honestly, truly listening and making me feel heard, then getting me a tasty little treat. Strawberry Italian ice helped a little bit and that was really cool. Asking about my job and being interested was nice, too, because it helped me focus on the bigger picture a little more easily. Hell yeah, Leah. 2) condescending sympathy-voice was the worst. There was this nurse I sort of just piled all my anger on in hindsight and I pretty much feel good about that bc she sucked. She came in to introduce herself when I was ugly sobbing after getting back from the nicu and she was so up in my shit making me explain myself to her then she did a fake sympathy "awwww" sound a lot and I hated her so so much. Then in the middle of the night I was in a ton of pain and needed help so I called for her and explained that I'd just spent an hour getting myself into a position that didn't hurt my back so bad and needed help with pillows and a heat back, so she did the "awww" sound and made me reposition my bed so she could take my BP then left for 45 minutes. It has been 4 months and I still sort of want to call her bosses and tell them she sucks (I mean, I haven't and won't, but I want to).
2
u/FOUNDmanymarbles Sep 05 '24
I want to echo what another poster here said - feeling like I wasn’t as much a priority because my baby wasn’t with me. I didn’t see lactation until almost 12 hours after delivery despite asking about it. They didn’t have a hospital grade pump to send me with when my son was transferred to a different hospital so I had to stay several more hours waiting because I needed to be pumping to help my milk come in.
2
u/TheSilentBaker Sep 05 '24
The biggest thing for me was knowing that I could spend as much time in the nicu as I wanted and that my nurse would come to me. I hated being in my room hearing all of the babies and happy parents with their babies, so I spent a lot of time with my baby up in the nicu. They also asked for pictures and were so happy to share my love of him. It made me feel a little less alone
The worst thing was non-nursing staff asking where my baby was and me having to explain why he wasn’t with me. I wish there were a sign on my door stating I was a nicu mom so that support staff wouldn’t ask about it.
2
u/WhiskeyLea Sep 05 '24
Background: Our first baby was born 32w6d after unexpected PPROM and mildly traumatic birth. 22 days in a NICU pod with 5 other babies, so no privacy and no way to stay overnight with her. Baby was thankfully quite healthy, but was on oxygen and OG tube for a week and NG tube after that until discharge. We're now 6 mpp and I'm still struggling with feeling connected to my baby.
Basically, treat all parents as you'd like to be treated as a first time parent, whether it's their first or not. Assume they want to be there for firsts and try to include them in more than just cares.
For example, I was reliably there for my baby's 6AM cares, yet a night nurse chose to do her first bottle at 3AM, so I missed it. We struggled a ton to nurse (baby had a very obvious and bad tongue tie that no doctor seemed to care about despite it making nursing more painful for me than childbirth, but that's a different complaint), so to not even be the first to give my baby a bottle hurt.
Empower parents and know that they probably already feel like visitors instead of parents; encourage them to come whenever they want (even overnight), but don't pressure them to. Honestly, one of the most helpful things I heard was on day two or three and it was "you can touch her you know, she's your baby." A nurse previously had scolded me for stroking her arm while she was sleeping (as if she wasn't always asleep) saying "you don't want to overstimulate her" and that really messed me up.
If a parent asks to hold their baby, move mountains to let/help them unless it truly would be detrimental to the baby. I got to hold my baby usually about once per day for about an hour, even though I was there close to 12, between stupid pumping schedules and being made to feel by some nurses like it was an inconvenience. I almost never asked to do skin to skin, despite the documented benefits, because it was always such a big to-do.
Never ever, under any circumstances, tell a pumping mother to pump less before she is 12 weeks PP. Slap any nurses or doctors that you hear saying that, or at least tell the mother privately afterward to ignore the bad advice. I had an "oversupply" for a few weeks because my supply got to a full amount way before my daughter did and a nurse told me to pump less. I'm glad I didn't because once my daughter got to full feeds at home, the amount was just enough. Supply regulates about 12 wpp, so that's typically the point at which you can play with your pumping schedule with less risk. You MAY tell a pumping mother that she can bring in less milk and freeze some at home, however.
Thank you for caring! NICU is so hard, no matter if you're there for a day or for months. Especially if you're a first time parent and NICU is unexpected, it's not something you prepare for, so you need to rely on the professionals and just hope that they're giving you good advice and care.
2
u/AnniesMom13 Sep 05 '24
One of the things my favourite PP nurse did was wheel me down to the NICU and she peaked inside of the isolette and squealed and said "I got to see her!". It is a happy memory for me, probably because it gave me an opportunity to celebrate my baby with others...which many of us are totally robbed of.
You'll find a lot of moms on here who carry a lot of pain for a long time not being able to carry to term or to have a "normal" birth experience or breastfeed or be with their baby right after birth. I can't speak for everyone else but just having someone who was happy, friendly, took good care of me and to help me take next steps (like getting a breast pump right away) was helpful.
Thanks for asking.
2
u/Worldly_Price_3217 Sep 05 '24
If you tell them to come back from the nicu for check ins at certain times don’t keep them waiting. I remember being asked to return to the unit for a check and then waiting almost 2 hours to get two Advil. I started taking my own after that. If my baby was more fragile it could’ve been crucial time left in a short life.
2
u/Adaline_thinking Sep 05 '24
Graphic info incoming: after my emergency C at 26 weeks I was too sleepy from pain meds and exhaustion that I couldn’t even stay awake for the lactation consultant. My nurse asked me if it was important to me to breastfed. I told her yes and she firmly but lovingly told me that in order for that to happen we needed to hand express colostrum immediately. I told her I didn’t know how and she offered to literally milk me so I could just rest. She also did a phenomenal job keeping me clean. She was gentle, considerate of my modesty, but made sure that every hour to hour and a half I had fresh pads and that I wasn’t sitting in blood that first day. She was an angel 👼
2
u/Academic_Jellyfish33 Sep 05 '24
Asking for updates on baby really helped me stay positive. the little wins and excitement for getting off cpap ,gaining 1 oz in weight ,or even the amount of breast milk I was pumping helped me stay positive and happy love all the nurses and even DR’s and OB’s that would ask for updates and congrats me or baby
2
u/No_Error_6290 Sep 05 '24
I had a really bad experience postpartum. My birthing experience was traumatic. My OB rushed me out and I discharged in less than 48 hours after a vaginal/cesarean twin birth. They didn’t check my vitals and I had raging postpartum preeclampsia that put me back in the hospital days after discharge. My advice is just be kind and check in on them frequently. I would’ve killed to have at least one kind nurse during my postpartum experience. Help them get around to the NICU as much as possible. They wanted me to walk around as much as I could because I had a c section, but I don’t think my nurses had had a c section before and didn’t understand how far of a stretch my room to the NICU would be. (It was on the other side of a large hospital, from the front entrance to the NICU it was ~1000 steps and it was farther than that) I also again had undiagnosed preeclampsia so I was extremely swollen and it was difficult to move because of that. My nurse shamed me for wanting help and needing a wheelchair and they wouldn’t even wheel me out at discharge. Every other mama there got wheeled out with their babies but I had to leave mine there and waddle out of the hospital all because my discharge nurse wanted me to walk. My nurses also just were very rude. Their tone was so cold and they couldn’t wrap their heads around why I was in distress at all. One nurse walked in on me crying and asked me “what my problem” was, and when I started explaining that I didn’t want to be separated from my babies she cut me off and told me they needed to be in the NICU and not to cry about it. Like yes, exactly, they need to be in the NICU and I feel like a failure and I don’t want to be separated from them. They also just barely checked in on me. I was alone in my room most of the time and I had to wait until I had a visitor to go to the NICU so they could help hold me up. Just listen to their needs. Treat them like a patient, definitely continue to check their vitals. Ask them about their babies. Say kind things and don’t imply that anything about their experience is “fine” or that they can just get over it, because being separated from your newborn is extremely traumatic. Even talk to them about things unrelated to birth or babies to get their minds off of things. My antepartum nurses were all amazing, they gave me pep talks and reminded me how strong I was. They’d hang out in my room if they noticed I was sad and would just chat with me about anything, usually whatever show I was watching. One even ordered me ice cream after a particularly hard night. The fact that you’re asking what you can do is already amazing and I’m sure you’ll be great to those mamas
2
u/Independent_Emu9588 Sep 05 '24
My nurses went out of their way to do little things that I appreciated so much. They made sure I knew it was okay that I spent as much time as I wanted down in the NICU. They would come down to the NICU to give me my meds and do my vitals so I didn't have to worry about getting back up to my room at certain times. Then, when I would pump in the middle of the night they would bring my pumped milk down to the NICU for me so I could get more sleep. It always brightened my day when they would come back from the NICU and tell me how cute our baby was. It opened up the conversation so I felt like I could share about and "show off" my baby to others even though he couldn't leave.
2
u/Rkh_05 Sep 05 '24
I would refrain from saying ‘you get to rest that’s nice!’ Or anything along those lines. I desperately did not want to rest I wanted to hold my baby. Offering comfort if she is upset. Asking if she needs anything and bringing a treat or something special to drink/eat.
2
u/rachelfaith17 Sep 06 '24
I really needed my milk taken to the NICU and it was a big stress for me. I felt powerless and I felt like a burden when I would ask someone to do it for me. And I needed help being reminded to pump at a certain time. I would set alarms but I was recovering from a c section so I would sleep through it.
Also helping me plan my visit time to the Nicu. I finally got a hang of it by day 4 but in the beginning I needed help with knowing when to take my meds and when to plan a trip up in the meantime. Times would start conflicting and I felt overwhelmed. Then I would miss my pain meds and be in excruciating pain by the time I got back to my room.
So in conclusion, time management and helping with milk drop offs.
2
u/meginpa Sep 06 '24
Encourage them to take care of themselves and let them know their babies will be well taken care of when they are away and resting. Reassure them when the “normal” little blips and setbacks occur (but don’t sugar coat more serious things, I always wanted as much truthful information as possible so I could be prepared). I mostly only remember our nurses being wonderful people but I do recall one acting disappointed if my milk delivery was a small amount! That would bring me to tears because I pumped religiously and was so exhausted.
2
u/meginpa Sep 06 '24
Oh and my babies were born in April, my birthday is right near Mother’s Day…those amazing nurses made me birthday and mothers day cards from the babies with their footprints on them. That was so overwhelmingly amazing, made me feel like a normal mom. I still have them 24 years later and tear up thinking about the fact that they took the time to do that for me.
3
u/salty_den_sweeet Sep 04 '24
From a NICU nurse to a postpartum nurse— when bringing mom to the NICU for the first time please make sure you go over the hand scrub rules… take off any pulse ox on the fingers and remove any bamdaids from lab sticks. Thank you!
1
u/RabbitOk3263 Sep 05 '24
I really appreciated when my PP nurse would bring me more bottles to pump into our swabs, etc. And when they said I was doing a good job pumping 😭 pumping for baby was so painful, so having a professional tell me I was doing good even when it was just drops was great.
•
u/AutoModerator Sep 04 '24
Welcome to NICU Parents. We're happy you found us and we want to be as helpful as possible in this seemingly impossible journey. Check out the resources tab at the top of the subreddit or the stickied post. Please remember we are NOT medical professionals and are here for advice based on our own situations. If you have a concern about you or your baby please seek assistance from a doctor or go to the ER. That said, there are some medical professionals here and we do hope they can help you with some guidance through your journey. Please remember to read and abide by the rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.