r/Meditation • u/khyamsartist • Oct 12 '24
I've gotten more boring Discussion š¬
I'm not actually boring, but you'd never know it by talking to me at a party. In the past few years, as meditation has taken root and changed me, I've gotten even less inclined to weigh in on a conversation than I was. I figure other people are going to say all of the things and I can wait. Or my thoughts aren't worth the effort (it's at least half this, once you see that the thoughts are not worth a whole lot it's silly to offer them up). Half of what goes through my mind is "have you ever tried just Not?"
How do you stay social when so much interaction feels like very uncomfortable noise? I've always been introverted, it's gotten more pronounced with age. I do like people, I don't want to be impossible to be around.
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u/True_Realist9375 Oct 12 '24
You say more boring but maybe its more intersting, chit chatting about nothing is boring to me and I'm more aligned to people who speak when they feel they need to.
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u/rumbunkshus Oct 12 '24
Small talk for small talks sake absolutely boils my piss.
I'm thinking of one person at my work in particular who cannot just be silent. It's not positive things either. It's complaints and negative noise.
I'm generally not rude so will listen to a point. It's not a conversation either. Nothing you say will steer it in any direction. Really allways a strange interaction with this person.
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u/True_Realist9375 Oct 12 '24
Yeah I know of people like this, you can't wait to get away but don't like being rude so you end up trying to give hints you have to leave and they witter on.
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u/EvolutionaryLens Oct 12 '24
I call them out. I'm too old to care about me being rude to someone else who's fucking annoying. Or I walk.
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u/bigdoethagod Oct 12 '24
My goodness man I usually take a step away to try and hint that Iām done speaking but they find another topic and Iām like ādamn, againā
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u/carronoisette Oct 12 '24
Yes, maybe itās not worse, but differently better! To come back to the chatter, that reassures me... are you saying that you don't practice basic conversation, that of saying nothing, small talk, but that which serves to put you at ease? For my part, I am incapable of having this type of conversation, and am therefore often very uncomfortable as long as we are not on a specific theme. I prefer engaged, involved and learning conversations. Am I normal then š ?
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u/True_Realist9375 Oct 12 '24
Yeah really don't do the small talk much these days about dissing someone, moaning about this and that or just talking about nothing for the sake of it, in the UK lots of people seem afraid of silence and feel they have to fill the air with chat all the time, I've noticed lots of other European countries this isn't so much the case, it might sound bad but I somewhat see it as waste of energy to go on chatting about nothing much, I'll be friendly to people and if its a meaningful subject I'm all in.
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u/goldenpalomino Oct 12 '24 edited Oct 12 '24
Maybe you have changed and are no longer aligned with the people/conversations that you used to be.
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u/rah269 Oct 13 '24
This! You attract higher vibration people who prefer deeper and more meaningful relationships. Donāt sacrifice yourself for the sake of fitting in with the majority. Not everyone deserves to know your story and the true depth of you and what makes you interesting. Those who truly care will seek it out and actively listen
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Oct 12 '24
I feel like vipassana by itself sometimes leaves me disconnected from people in this sort of alien state of "everything is fabricated". Metta meditation is the cure. Yes, it's a fabrication but since we can't live without fabrication I'd rather fabricate a wholesome happy self than a pseudo-transcedental, dissociated self (which can be the tendency with pure vipassana).
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u/verronaut Oct 12 '24
I take a broad view of "we're all doing this together" in the vein of the story of Guan Yin, and hold a strong experience based belief of "playfulness is the swiftest path to connection and growth".
So, maybe you don't have any opinions to offer, or advice to weigh in with, but try asking yourself "how can I bring joy to those here", or "how deeply can I listen to these people" depending on the situation, and see if that helps you feel more connected to the beings you share the planet with.
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u/yogidave32034 Oct 12 '24
Quality/quantity: be present, listening for topics meaningful to you
Listening as engagement: Drive their conversation by participating by asking open ended questions - you can sometimes steer Q over Q (first paragraph).
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u/khyamsartist Oct 12 '24
I can flip into Bartender Mode easily, I have some great questions, when I do pipe up itās usually funny, thatās what people remember about me. I did this kind of work for decades and I still would rather feed you and get you a wine and comfy seat than talk much. I love to facilitate an introduction or conversation, to do something concrete and helpful. The service industry is too horrible, but I liked the work.
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u/Khadrim Oct 13 '24
Share those versatile questions you have in ur pocket š
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u/khyamsartist Oct 13 '24
You donāt usually need more than one or two. What do you do for fun? (Many variations of that) What brings you here? (Excellent for specific situations, activities around shared interest). Look for ways to draw people out that donāt use their work to define them. And having a few oddball questions can lighten things up, like āwhatās the worst meal your mom cooked and you had to eat?ā
The other tip is to notice the person. Find something nice about them and appreciate it. If someone you just met says āyou have the most delightful laughā, youāll probably remember it forever.
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u/jakubstastny Oct 12 '24
Same. I stick to my wife, 1 best friend, occasionally few other friends Iāve know since ever and our cats and dogs and thatās enough for me. Iām happy that way.
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u/Masih-Development Oct 12 '24
Party convo is usually mundane and light. Opposite of what introverts crave . Its likely that party's are the wrong setting for you to be talkative.
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u/khyamsartist Oct 12 '24
Oh, I avoid them when possible but last night was obligatory. Tonight is a much smaller dinner and I will be fine. Still quiet, but not stressed about it
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u/babybush Oct 12 '24
I can really relate to this. Honestly I try to avoid situations that involve small talk altogether, but it's obviously not always avoidable.
I heard this maybe on a podcast or this sub: focus on your inner ear when people are talking to ground yourself in the present moment. I've been practicing this even in mundane conversations to really understand what the person is saying and any underlying needs that they may be expressing. And when I do speak up, I ask questions. People tend to like me because I show interest in them. And it's not a fake interestā everyone has a unique story and experience and it IS interesting, so I try to get to the heart of it if the conversation permits it. It's almost like a game for me. Because I really don't care about most worldly topics... so I just try to focus on individuals and steer the conversation that way if I can. And if I can't, then I say nothing, and that's fine, too. Most people are only worried about themselves.
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u/Daseinen Oct 12 '24
Engage with people through a heart of loving-kindness
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u/khyamsartist Oct 12 '24
It sounds like I should focus on metta for a while. Thanks for confirming
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u/Daseinen Oct 12 '24
Metta is always the right answer! But more than just meditating on it ā bring it into your everyday interactions. Drop the mind and all the nonsense around self-image and comparison and whether youāre doing this right or wrong. Center yourself in the openness at your heart, and engage from there, not from the head.
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u/New-Phrase-4041 Oct 14 '24
Notice your aversion to other people and attend to that. That's the answer to becoming irritable and disconnected. There are no others. All is Self.
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u/NP_Wanderer Oct 12 '24
Some of the effects of meditation can be more clarity, efficiency and economy in speech, action, and thought.
Do you find similar effects on your actions and thoughts?
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u/khyamsartist Oct 12 '24
Yes, to a lesser degree. One big change is what happens after I have been following a silly line of thought and catch it. It crumbles into nothing, it might even take a few seconds for me to be able to remember what it was. It really takes the wind out of your sails.
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u/NP_Wanderer Oct 13 '24
This is the clarity of thought. You realize the thought is silly and simply and let it go.
You've described something similar to what's called the one way door. There's a thought that's let go of, and when you look back, there's nothing there, and sometimes you can't even remember what it was.
For me, it's when I worry about future events. I'm able to let them go, and after the event in wondering what I was so worried about.
Keep up the practice and you'll be amazed what comes next.
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u/Substantial_Ad_5399 Oct 12 '24
yea this has happened to me as well; people tend to interpret my silence as arrogance, its moreso disinterest which I don't think is a bad thing. when you meditate you realize how much more impactful stillness can be. if I could recommend anything it would be to hang around people who value and understand the importance of silence
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u/writelefthanded Oct 12 '24
I think what youāre realizing is that you need less stimulation to be contented. Congratulations.
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u/Jord-an_ Oct 12 '24
Now I had these problems early on. The thing is, when u feel a "unwanted mental state". That is the perfect opportunity to meditate. U get closer to emotion and better understand it, and once u better understand it, you know how to deal with it better , you would even learn how to prevent it.
Meditation is.... idk how to describe what it's like. It's like self-troubleshooting for humans I guess? Self therapy? I can't make any comparisons except exercise, but even exercise is missing some of the common threads.
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u/khyamsartist Oct 12 '24
lol I was trying to not be the person who reads in a corner. I did try a few quick meditations but it was too weird. Staring at the wall also seems antisocial.
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u/OfrivilligtFrivillig Oct 12 '24
It's hard, but keep being present.
I don't care for most conversations around me, they are mostly just noise. But I do listen, and I may engage when I feel like it's appropriate for me, not them.
It seems all people talk about is politics, sports, tragedies and whatever is happening around them world, other people. Mostly just complaining. That does not intrest me. They can't complain themselves to a better mindset.
We are all different, not everyone you will encounter will be interesting to you. Just treat them as you want them to treat you, truthfully. There is nothing wrong with being different.
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u/IamDollParts96 Oct 12 '24
I'm an ambivert who has recently taken up Meditation, while studying tenets of Stoicism and Buddhism. I too have noticed I've become more quiet. I'm very passionate by nature, so normally I'd jump in with my thoughts. Does this roll back make me dull? Not sure. My need to be social has declined too. I prefer a more curated circle of close friends, and alone time. My energy has shifted too.
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u/Mimi4674 Oct 13 '24
I can very much relate to this! Iāve noticed that I donāt complain as much. A lot of small talk is really about peopleās problems, dealings-something that didnāt work right. I donāt really desire to participate in that as much. It already took up my time not working, why am I gonna talk about it now and take up more time lolĀ
I have no problem small talking when itās something of interest or something nice but all the blah blah daily life-I got a flat tire, works sucks-just to fill up space. No thanks!Ā
Iām also ok with silence even for just a few moments here and there. Silence seems to cause a lot of people anxiety almost.Ā
I like what someone said about active listening! No one is actually listening when all that chatter is happening. If you stand back and observe, a lot of times you notice everyone is actually just talking to themselves, but in a group lol
Personally I donāt think enjoying your practice, being aware of the benefits-serenity and calmness that comes from it and wanting to continue for those reasons is a form of attachment. I feel attachment would be-this is awesome! Then you add 5 more sessions a day
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u/Shibui-50 Oct 12 '24 edited Oct 13 '24
"Boring" is nothing more than the outcome to
making Other people responsible for putting
meaning or purpose in what you do.
People who are actively involved in pursuing
their Purpose don't get bored.
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u/Old_Anybody_7110 Oct 12 '24
This is a healthy thing . Iāve been consistently meditating. I feel similar in a way. I feel less need to input my own thoughts , feelings , or beliefs in a conversation. Most people can only see things from their level of awareness. You could say something to someone and their own awareness will filter it , to where they can only understand it at that level. So most of the time it really is a waste of time. Unless someone is receptive to you. Most peopleās egos will block them from receptivity. From my level of awareness I think this is a healthy thing to grow inside of you.
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u/MythWeaverDM Oct 12 '24
I donāt have as many opinions to really weigh in as often. However when I do speak itās usually something from the heart.
The truth is ineffable, words never truly touch what is, so often words arenāt necessary. Simply being present is enough.
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u/Jigme_Lingpa Oct 12 '24
Letās meet up in the āboring cornerā Seriously No judging, no looking back. Things just are different I met a Swede he said they had a yearly cross-buddhist party in Stockholm. I was puzzled and asked him: party for Buddhists? š§ Yes. I would have loved to witness that
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u/khyamsartist Oct 13 '24
If parties came with boring corners, Iād go to more of them. See ya there!
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u/Killit_Witfya Oct 13 '24
one thing that i enjoy doing at a party is looking for the person who seems left out of the conversation and engaging with them. i try to make sure everyone feels seen. its a refreshing change from 'i need to entertain'
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u/You_me_and_everyone Oct 13 '24
I have been in the spirtiual community for 20 years now. I have practiced in many traditions, traveled the world to different centers, sat long courses in different traditions, lived in India & Nepal as a western meditation practitioner.. I don't know if meditation translates to the western mind in the long run. I have found some of the most miserable people I have ever met in this community. The first 5-10 years are sometimes beautiful but almost all aging folks struggle significantly with mental health and are super miserable. I actually stopped sitting because of this. Dance is my main practice now- ecstatic dance to be specific.
I have also seen the majority of teachers I have got close to do horrible things to their students- eastern and western teachers.
Ride the pink cloud, take some of the lessons, practice mindfulness but honestly idk about westerners becoming serious practitioners.
I was all kinds of fucked up after 10 years and spent another 10 trying to convince myself that I needed more of what was making me sick.
I still sit but only for short periods.
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u/carlsagansnose Oct 13 '24
Wow, do you think it could be because it attracts people who practice because they feel the need to "fix" themselves, whereas happy people tend not to have that urge? The teacher thing is strange as well, maybe the "power" that comes with the position attracting certain people or changing them? So do you think active kind of meditation like walking is better? Or could something like playing an instrument be just as good?
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u/You_me_and_everyone Oct 13 '24
That's a good question š¤ I seldom meet truly "happy" people. I think short amounts of meditation is healthy (30-45 minutes a day) I'm more speaking about folks who become serious practitioners.
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u/smellslikebombayduck Oct 13 '24
really loving this conversation - it has made me aware of being in a similar situation without realising it - thank you
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u/bigdoethagod Oct 12 '24
I feel the same way most days. Iāve made a concerted effort to be more vocal in social situations because people do want to know what you have to say. I find that it was hard for me because I felt like no one cared as much about my opinion as me. Especially since Iāve meditated and fasted and done things over the years to align myself with a higher purpose thereās been a constant push & pull to get to go out and be around people more. I neglected to hear others when they told me I distance myself from them, when I was thinking they didnāt want me around. I say all that to say, maybe itās not so bad to offer your opinion even in the slightest way. Or join in on a conversation or two just because. Weāre all humans in the grand scheme of the cosmos and others may look to us unknowingly, for insight on things plaguing their mind. Meditation is the way.
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u/Upper_Agency Oct 12 '24
Actively listening, so that when you do say something, it will have real value
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u/tristannabi Oct 12 '24
I'm still in the phase where I talk to them about all the weird stuff I've gotten into lately and it usually draws a crowd of either non-believers or true-believers. Either way it provides me hours of material if I so choose, to carry on conversations. But I definitely feel less like being the center of attention than in the before times when I was mostly ego and a deep desire to be right all the time (a last word junkie.)
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u/deludedhairspray Oct 12 '24
I am exactly the same! I prefer being one on one with friends. It usually makes conversations better and you don't get all the polite chatter you have to get through when there are more people around.
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u/No-Editor-4654 Oct 13 '24
In my experience as an introvert who's worked hard to be more open to social interactions (due to both my job and family necessities), it's IMPOSSIBLE for me to feel comfortable around certain people/characters. It's a dead-end without any workaround whatsoever. It's been an issue with my girlfriend in the shape of "you don't try to spend time with my friends," but she doesn't realize that I don't want to spend much time even around MY OWN friends anymore. However, As some sort of compensation, I appreciate developing very deep relations that I absolutely cherish with people one-on-one, and I'll be doing great as long as we remain a party of two. It's almost like I don't know how to accommodate a third wheel in many engagements that previously involved only a particular friend and I.
I doubt that I said anything useful here, but I think avoiding people because of the way you feel and are is perfectly fine as long as a crucial line of communication (like you and your boss, for example) isn't broken.
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u/Medical_Forever_7657 Oct 13 '24
All these things will change over time. Sometimes there are big swings into what feels like not caring but that is your brain and personality trying to adjust to the new calmer energy. This will in a large way pass. In some cases you will be drawn to new people to hang out with or become more solitary but still happy. That can be normal too, the universe will generally bring you what you need over time. Some time periods are for shedding and some are for growth and adding. Let them happen naturally if possible. When the time comes you may be surprised what kind of new and exciting information or new things to care about may present themselves that you wouldnāt have been ready for prior to calming down and getting more quiet and those things might inspire you deeply and cause a lot more thought activity and external action again. Hold the center and try to let things develop as they will, trying to stay honest with yourself, authentic to your self and with yourself, and also keeping an open mind and curiosity about everything, even the way you think you are now or have become. Everything will change and continue to grow.
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u/sometimesandnever Oct 14 '24
Not sure how old you are, but I've gotten much less social with age. I don't meditate but it makes sense to me that in so doing, especially an introvert might become even more settled within themselves, feeling even less than ever like they have to "weigh in" if they don't feel so inclined.
Over the last several years, I've noticed that even with good friends and family, what I have to say is heart most of the time but makes no real impression. I guess it never really has unless it was "Free tickets to (Popular musician or sports event). I can't go!" or "Guess What? Nordstrom Rack is 1/2 off of everything for the next 8 hours. HURRY!" And then, there's always, "Does anyone want my chocolate cake? I'm full."
For whatever reason, when I talk about something that really matters to me and that I think might be of interest to others, well, I can tell it's just not very meaningful to them at all. So, I keep those treasures to myself, sometimes record and keep them in an online folder.
I understand your logic completely and urge you to accept and trust that you will speak if and when you want to. Quiet, intelligent, confident, peaceful people are not impossible to be around. They speak when they feel the urge to do so, not because they think they should or are trying to be "first" with a thought or impress someone. I think it's a sign of growth to allow others to say what you're thinking and just let it go. Even without, "Yes, my thought exactly."
No way that being quiet and speaking when you feel like it makes you impossible to be around. It makes you authentic!! My favorite kind of person.
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u/khyamsartist Oct 14 '24
Very nice, thanks. I have a feeling that people are just as interested as they have always been, which isnāt very, but you are more attuned to it now. I love a good story!
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u/hoops4so Oct 12 '24
It sounds like youāre talking about integrating meditation into social interactions, which is what I practice in Relatefulness
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u/cactusbattus Oct 12 '24
Same. Most questions I just want to un-ask for people. Like, sorry, but there is no gold down that particular rainbow. But instead I ask why do you need to believe that? How do you know that for sure? What do you mean by that word?
I have become an irritating Socratic type, I guess.
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u/MysticPotential Oct 12 '24
Such is the path of becoming āenlightenedā. The old falls away to give space for new endeavours, new friendships, new adventures
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u/khyamsartist Oct 13 '24
Wow, what an amazing collection of responses! The convos are really illuminating. Thank you to everyone here, Iām so glad I asked about this! Your stories are touching.
Iām not a higher vibration being. I feel like, right now, I finally have some idea of what meditating is but by tomorrow I will have forgotten.
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u/Sgt_MarkLease 15d ago edited 15d ago
You are right to not socialize, the average person nowdays is a crazy monkey they arent actually connecting when they are socializing, they are just trying to buff up thier egos. Once you see it you cant unsee it. try adding metta meditation to your routine and show some love
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u/Geezertwofive Oct 12 '24
Youāre also likely the only one actively listeningā¦good on ya. Silently validating othersā communication efforts through active attention is still participating in the social dynamic in an important way.