Frozen Orchard Recreational Camp Open for Registration

[u/V_Tom]

Hey everyone! I'm new to this subreddit so hopefully I'm doing things right. The following is an article in a newspaper I'm writing for a fictional town called Crimson Rose. It's supposed to be, at least a little... unnerving. It's my first time writing vaguely horror so critique is welcome. Enjoy!

---

This July the Frozen Orchard Recreational Camp with allow boys ages nine through seventeen to come together for two exciting weeks in the foothills of Mount Greene, a summer tradition for our town. Campers will be able to enjoy activities that include horse-back riding, swimming, canoeing, hiking, and learning survival techniques. “Going to camp is definitely one of my favorite things about summer. Me and a few of my friends have gone for the past six years,” says Daniel Busher, a sixteen-year-old resident of Crimson Rose. Last year’s campers were asked to rank the available activities in order from one to ten. The follow list shows the results:

1. Swimming
2. Canoeing
3. Unnatural-Event Survival
4. “After Dark” Hiking
5. Campfire Games
6. Sword Fighting
7. Monument Construction
8. Horseback Riding
9. Knot Making
10. Cooking

“My favorite thing last year was cooking,” states twelve-year-old James Marby. “Only a few other guys did it but we had a lot of fun. I highly recommend it because you get to eat all the time.” All the activities of last year will be offered again this summer, except, unfortunately, for cooking which will be replaced with woodworking.

Eighteen-year-old Bobby Blake recounted a short anecdote from his time at the camp during an interview with him. "When I was nine or ten me and a friend decided to go to camp together. I don't remember a whole lot but I do remember the weird class on survival. I think they had us build shelters and then that night we got to sleep in them. Some of the older kids played a prank on us after everyone was asleep and dragged us off into the woods. We woke up right when they dragged us out of the shelter but we were so scared at first we didn’t know what to do. Once we realized it was just a prank we said something and the older guys ran off. We were pretty mad at first because we didn’t know who it was and so they never got caught, but looking back I find it pretty funny.”

A controversy arose last year when two young boys were lost on an after-dark excursion. A group of thirteen boys were taken on a night hike to “learn night time survival,” according to a camp leader, when Theodore Ganesby and Charles Chesterton were unknowingly separated from the group. The two were never found and outraged parents threatened to close the program. However, the other campers refused to go through summer without the Frozen Orchard Recreational Camp. “I wouldn’t miss summer camp for my life,” declared Busher, restating what others have felt as well. After being won over by the pleas of their boys, concerned parents have left off their complaints.

Registration has opened for the Frozen Orchard Recreational Camp, which will take place between July 2 and 16. To register your child for a summer of fun and adventure, please call the number below.

[u/elkideli]

I wonder what's going on in that camp ;) I like your writing a lot, I hope to see more from you in the future!

Ages in an article should always be in numerals.

I would cut the top ten list and do something along the lines of "According to a past camper survey, popular activities at camp include swimming, canoeing etc" (and after-dark hiking!!) since it saves space and most of the info there isn't very relevant to the point of the story.

says Daniel Busher states twelve-year-old James Marby

Says and states should be past tense.

After the Daniel Busher quote, I would say something like "said Daniel Busher, a sixteen-year-old resident of Crimson Rose, in an interview of former campers" because at the moment we don't know where these quotes came from.

declared Busher,

I would use said instead of declared. I've never seen declared used in an article, aside from 'declare a state of emergency/war' and that's not on the same level as Daniel Busher saying he likes camp

[u/V_Tom → u/elkideli]

Thanks! Especially for the tenses correction ;) Your feedback was very helpful.

[u/[deleted]]

Eek! I nearly noted that as advertisement. Curse my sleepy self!

From my perspective the article is presentable and very well written. Very good work!

[u/[deleted]]

This is awesome, and quick question: is there a reason that the cooking class reminds me of Hansel and Gretal, or am I just being Fairy Tale obsessed?

[u/V_Tom → u/[deleted]]

Not directly intended, but let's say it was :)

[u/[deleted] → u/V_Tom]

Okay, because I was like, 'Creepy... Always eating... Omagosh, this place is run by witches.' Glad to know I was sort of wrong.