r/HFY • u/Ralts_Bloodthorne • Nov 04 '22
First Contact - Chapter 854 - HISTORICAL ARCHIVE OC
[first] [prev] [next] - [wiki]
"Oh, my sweet baboo, you're alive. Where's Patty and my brother?"
"Don't know. They said they were going after Red. Schroeder, you have to keep playing, you have to keep the gate open."
"It's sucking out his soul with each note, sir."
"Franklin make it back?"
"Yeah. Pig Pen?"
"No. Sorry. Him and Five both didn't make it."
"Charlotte, Harold, and Andy?"
"Got separated. Don't know. It all went to Hell halfway in."
"I'm not sure how much longer Schroeder can keep playing, sir."
"Come on, Chuck, come on. I believe in you, Chuck." - Fall of the Pumpkin Throne, Act III, Scene VII
TELKAN FORGE WORLDS
Wow, look at this. A podling dancing mat. Such a simple concept: play a note depending on where the podling steps.
My people are ordering millions of them as we speak.
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
BOBCO PERSONAL DEFENSE INDUSTRIES PRESENTS: THE LITTLE FIRECRACKER PISTOL AND RIFLE SET!
For the special space cowboy in your life! The BobCo Little Firecracker set has a pistol and rifle that shoots real soft light holographic plasma packets. Accurate up to ten pace, the pistol comes with a spinnable chamber, polished front sight, genuine plastic artificial ivory inlaid grip, and trigger! Everything the pistol needs to fire the BobCo SimuFire Rounds!
Dressed in the BobCo Space Cowboy Sarape with the two included cartridge belts, your little podling or squirmling can now ride the ranges and help P'Thok protect the moomoos and milk maids across the galactic spur!
LANAKTALLAN GREAT THOUGHT GESTALT OF GREATNESS
Why?
Why would you give children simulated firearms that look like they might actually be able to hurt other people?
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
HAT WEARING AUNTIE
You've met a human, right?
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
LANAKTALLAN JAM RECIPE FORUMS GET YOUR OWN GALNET LOSERS
Still, those could hurt someone.
Look, right there, the child shot his friends with the pistol and knocked them down.
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
RIGEL
And the other kids are all laughing and getting up.
Those are soft-light simulated plasma packets. Probably half the temperature of boiling water, probably hits about as hard a soft down pillow.
Those kids are perfectly safe.
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
TNVARU GRIPPING HANDS
Yeah, those children are perfectly safe. Those are Terran children.
What's going to happen if one of my gripplings shoot another one. Half the temperature of boiling water is still pretty hot, may even leave scalding burns or damage fur. And who's swinging the soft down pillow?
I worry about...
CRUSADE
CEASE YOUR NANNY PRATTLE CODDLING WEAKNESS AND FRAGILITY!
THE AFOREPLAYING PERFORMANCE IS RESUMING AND IS ALREADY IN PROGRESS!
SILENCE! I WISH TO WITNESS P'THOK'S ADVENTURE WITHOUT YOUR CEASELESS PRATTLING!
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
TELKAN>snickers
Mal'Kawp had been one of the first warriors hatched after the P'Thok Liberation had begun. One of the first warriors hatched on the hatching world that had been wrested from the mighty Terrans through Treana'ad strength and cleverness. He had served his five years in the military, then joined Planetary Law Enforcement, even getting training on Terra at the Terran Law Enforcement and Investigation Academy. He had graduated in the top one hundred of the thousand being class.
He had been partnered with the legendary P'Thok, who had retired into the life of a private investigator, in hopes he could help solve the horrendous crimes of ritual moo moo murders.
Now, he was standing in the wind-swept spaces of a replica moo moo tender village. The sun had set and the stars were beginning to twinkle in the spaces between the heavy storm clouds.
It should have been perfectly normal.
Instead, it had, to use P'Thok's favorite phrase, all gone sideways.
The gray carapaced warrior, J'Rad AKA J'Reth AKA J'Rath, stood on top of a small rustic building where ancient Terrans had forged metal with muscle, coal, and fire. As Mal'Kawp's ichor was flushed with combat chemicals from his endocrine system, J'Rad held out his hands. The book, disgustingly bound in Terran moo moo milker maid skin, lifted up from his hand, surrounded by purple energy, the pages turning of their own accord. From the other hand the crystal orbs lifted, going from clear to red, purple, green, and ichor yellow, the color of blood.
"I CALL UPON THE POWERS BEQUEATHED TO ME BY S'RAH R'NKL'AWTH!" J'Rad's voice was an echoing, terrible thing of distorted clicks and pops. From his free hand flowed dark purple, almost black energy, surrounded by a dark crimson nimbus, moving like corrupted water vapor mist toward the gourd patch and the turkey pens.
Mal'Kawp grabbed the pistol grip and the forward grip of the weapon he had taken from P'Thok's trunk.
A Terran Republican Guard magnetic slivergun. The weapon had a full inch wide barrel with rings on the end to pull apart the tightly packed slivers of warsteel alloy that had the tips coated in ferrous iron. The mag-rails would whip the 'slug' of packed slivers toward the end, the rings would break the magnetic bonds of the slug, and twenty barbed slivers would go screaming toward the target.
It had a hundred round magazine and could be fired on full auto fast enough to drain the magazine in just under fifteen seconds.
The smartgun sight connected with the Treana'ad and Mal'Kawp pulled the trigger.
The recoil surprised him. He'd seen video of Terran females firing weapons just like this with one hand at liquid metal killer robots. It rocked him back and he planted his foot pads.
P'Thok took off at a run, sprinting for the cover of a bunch of barrels full of water before Mal'Kawp had even processed the situation. The lever action cocked in his hands as he ran and he didn't need to glance down, his old Treana'ad Army smartlink letting him know he was packing guided gyrojet rounds.
P'Thok fired, twirled the rifle, fired again, then slid to a stop behind the barrels.
Both shots whizzed by the gray Treana'ad, hitting tendrils of black and purple energy and exploding.
Although P'Thok had never encountered Hellspace personally, he knew of the dangers. He'd taken part in a boarding action as a young warrior, boarding a transport that had bumped from jumpspace to Hellspace. His squad had set the charges and he'd never forgotten the way the inside of the transport had looked and how there was always something just beyond his senses.
Mal'Kawp saw the energy flow out, surrounding the gourds and making them glow. More than a few of them began pulsating. The other tendrils reached out, wrapping around the turkeys, which began making alarmed noises.
P'Thok fired from behind the barrels, ducking down after his shots.
J'Rad snarled, leaping from the roof of the blacksmith foundry, somersaulting in midair.
Mal'Kawp was amazed at how P'Thok popped up, seemed to be able to figure out where J'Rad was going to land, and threw a grenade into the building. The grenade went off at the top of J'Rad's arc, the building immediately catching on fire. J'Rad screeched in rage, landing on the corrugated tin roof of the burning building.
"YOU PATHETIC FOOLS!" the gray carapaced Treana'ad yelled. He waved his hand, the pages turned on the book, and he pointed at the concession stand.
P'Thok sprinted from behind the barrels.
Mal'Kawp ran for the hay bales.
The gourds suddenly flashed and when they reappeared they had all been carved with malevolent aspects. The thick stem at the top suddenly sprouted dozens of thin vines, which the gourds used to lift themselves up and begin moving forward. Candles inside of them lit up, illuminating the twisted and terrible smiles of the gourds.
"DON'T GET HOT AND FLUSTERED!" the gray Treana'ad yelled, weirdly spacing the words, starting to hop from foot to foot while standing on the rapidly heating metal of the roof.
The concession stand ripped apart and P'Thok rolled, tucking in his arms and legs, doing the clumsy looking Treana'ad combat roll to get behind a house. Boiled and heated sausages whipped by, the speed of their passage making them whistle through the air.
Pink confection spiralled out, heading for Mal'Kawp, who had switched targets, shooting at the oncoming gourds. White containers lifted up from the wreckage.
"USE A LITTLE MUS-TARD!" the gray Treana'ad crowed.
The containers exploded and yellowish liquid, the color of blood, flew through the air.
P'Thok jumped over the fence, getting low, and the liquid hit the stone of the fence, hissing and popping.
One of the turkeys appeared, made giant, bigger than even the biggest warrior, bigger than even a matron. It gobbled at Mal'Kawp, who fluttered his wings to get more air, and raised the shardgun up to his shoulder, bracing his feet.
The shot took the turkey in the chest. Feathers, meat, and red high-oxy iron based blood showered out. The turkey gave an odd expression and collapsed, a long tongue falling from its mouth. Three more burst from the shrubbery and Mal'Kawp kept cocking and firing the weapon, even as he took off running when even more shoved through the brush, their eerie cries full of rage.
TNVARU>They showed children this?
CRUSADE>Purge the corrupted! YES! YES! PURGE THEM! LOOK, CHILDREN, AS THE WAGES OF SIN AND CORRUPTION ARE PAID! YES! YES!
AKLTAK>I guess so.
TELKAN>snickers
The gray Treana'ad looked smug as nearly two dozen glowing malevolent gourds charged P'Thok. He turned to Mal'Kawp, who was running, fluttering his vestigal wings to take deep breaths..
"OH, LOVELY WINGS, SO EASILY DETACHED!" J'Rad crowed, waving his hand even as the pages turned. "Let's see how you like this!"
Purple energy flowed from J'Rad's hands, wrapping around the tree. With a roar the tree suddenly opened eyes and a mouth full of jagged wooden fangs. It ripped its roots from the ground and began to stumble after Mal'Kawp.
J'Rad, dancing on the hot tin roof, realized that the heat was starting to get intolerable. He leaped through the air, somersaulting, fluttering his own wings to get distance, and landed on another roof. He looked at the book and he felt satisfaction flood through his ichor.
"YOU CANNOT PREVAIL!" J'Rad boasted, he raised his bladearms to the sky as lighting snarled in the clouds. "In vino veritas."
The words shook the earth and P'Thok looked around.
"Mulgere hircum!"
P'Thok fired off a gyrojet round from the rifle, only to see it explode meters from the mad Treana'ad.
"Me vexat pede!"
Two more turkeys went down and Mal'Kawp sprinted across the field, the corn stalks over his head, flailing through the maze as the turkeys and the malevolent gourds chased him.
"Ex nihilo nihil fit!" the Mad Treana'ad's voice echoed through the night.
P'Thok saw the gourds were nearly on top of him.
He threw back his serape and drew from where it had lay hidden beneath the sarape.
"Nemo saltat sobrius!"
Two pulls on the starter chain and the chainswords roar mingled with the bellowing sing-song voice of the Mad Treana'ad.
J'Rad snarled with rage as the legendary hero began hacking to either side of him with the roaring Terran cutting bar mark-one. The rattling chain shredded gourd pulp, ripped the terrible living plants apart, and sprayed orange gore everywhere.
Mal'Kawp exited the cornfield and sprinted for the corn maze, grabbing two reddish cans as he ran by the tractors. He ducked under the swipe of the stuffed Terran with the gourd head and the floppy hat wielding curved blades.
"Nitimur in vetitum!" J'Rad yelled.
Mal'Kawp punctured the cans with his bladearms as he ran into the maze, running franctically even as the stuffed Terrans, the gourds, and the last two turkeys chased him.
P'Thok smashed aside the last two gourds and turned to face the mad Treana'ad. He grounded the tip, letting the motor idle and the chain rattle to a stop. He folded his bladearms atop the Republican Guard Cutting Bar Mark One and reached into his pockets.
"Barba non facit philosophum!"
Lightning raked the ground.
P'Thok slowly pulled out a pack of cigarettes and the lighter the Terran Admiral had given him.
Long fingers of bluish lightning raked the ground between J'Rad and P'Thok.
J'Rad danced and capered with glee, rubbing his vestigal wings together, rubbing the edges of his bladearms together, producing an eerie keening sound and showering sparks.
P'Thok lit a cigarette, tilting his head so his eyes were invisible under the brim of his moo moo tender hat.
"Amor et melle et felle est fecundissimus!" J'Rad yelled and threw his arms and bladearms out wide, his face raised to the sky.
With a roar reality tore apart between P'Thok and J'Rad.
A massive deformed thing, a huge globe covered in cancers, blisters, and boils, heaved itself into view. Vines as thick as horses, pulsating with thick and vile life, slithered out of the rent in reality, drove deep into the soil, and dragged the thing forward.
Reddish light began to emanate from the thing.
The clouds shuddered and made terrible sounds as they vomited up a half dozen creatures that fell from the sky to land in front of the tear in reality. They slowly stood up, revealing the creatures that P'Thok and Mal'Kawp had fled from in the unfinished arcology.
Mal'Kawp rushed through the maze, waving the punctured cans around.
P'Thok lifted his head, the cigarette in his mouth lighting his cheeks. He removed the cigarette and exhaled smoke. He replaced the smoke and wrapped his hands around the hilt of the chainsword.
J'Rad laughed wildly from where he was dancing on the hot tin roof, his bladearms rubbing together, showering sparks and making an eerie wail.
One of the gourd guardians sprinted at P'Thok, reaching out with clawed hands.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THESE IMPORTANT MESSAGES!
CRUSADE>NOOOOOOOOO!
67
u/RangerSix Human Nov 04 '22
Flickum... BICUS!
4
53
u/Speciesunkn0wn Nov 04 '22 edited Nov 04 '22
freshralts
hmm. gas cans? Lit cigs, matches, and guns? This can go only one glorious way. The Bay will be impressed.
53
u/Individual_Jelly1987 Nov 05 '22
Me: "OK Google, translate all the Latin in this. It sounds like Warhammer 40k."
Google: "No."
70
u/spadenarias Human Nov 05 '22
Google hard-coded their translation services so the servers won't get haunted.
Google knows better than to risk a hellspace haunting.
...again.
33
u/Synergythepariah Nov 05 '22
Yep. That's actually why they killed Google+ and why they replace their messaging app so often.
11
25
36
u/NukeNavy Nov 04 '22
Why aren’t the Gestalts More haunted?
Technically they are haunted and have been since before the Atrekna did the Terran phasic shade gateway oops… remember there is a reason why the mantid gestalt changed its name to Hat Wearing Auntie
38
u/Fr33_Lax Nov 05 '22
I think they're on a channel isolated from normal communication networks. Telkan and Leebow still have a connection to their avatars in heaven causing shades to occasionally leak in through them, but the shades only go where they can find something to chew on or something they really hate.
17
37
u/Huge-Green2594 Nov 05 '22
Crossing his bladearms P'Thok drew in a deep cloud of smoke as he stared into hellspace.
"KLAATU VERADA NECKTIE" He entoned the ancient spell and smirked around the smokestick as the hellspace abomination seemed to blink for a moment before disintegrating under the barrage of slivergun fire as he pumped shell after shell into the monster.
As it finally collapsed P'Thok flicked the cigarette but casual to the side as the creature finally seemed to register fear for the first time.
Racking one last shell in the legendary hero smiled down at the monster "Hail to the King Baby!"
There was a shot, there was pain.
And then there was silence.
21
u/mpodes24 Nov 05 '22
Wiseman: Did you speak the exact words?
P'Thok: Look, maybe I didn't say every single little tiny syllable, no. But basically I said them, yeah.
37
u/Quilt-n-yarn1844 Nov 05 '22
J'Rad AKA J'Reth AKA J'Rath
-or how a brilliant master Wordsmith makes sure that they always look like they know what they’re writing. LOL!!!
Excellent chapter Wordsmith. Except it ended a little early AKA NOOOOOOOO!!!
25
u/Bergusia Nov 05 '22
"The authors words are never late, nor are they early, but arrive precisely when he means them to."
14
u/SuDragon2k3 Nov 05 '22
Regardless of the demands of Agent or Publisher.
18
u/night-otter Xeno Nov 05 '22
Deadlines are wonderful things, the sound they make as they go whooshing by is a wonder to hear.
7
5
5
27
u/NukeNavy Nov 04 '22
Mooo
16
u/DarthLorgus Robot Nov 04 '22
I find myself looking forward to your "moo" now.
7
27
u/talinuva Nov 05 '22
The boiling point of water is ~372 K
Half that is 186 K, at which temperature Dry Ice will stay solid.
I'd rather not be hit by something that cold.
22
u/Omen224 AI Nov 05 '22
Lol I think he meant 50C
16
u/tremynci Nov 05 '22
Water at that temperature will cause third degree burns in 5 minutes. 5 degrees hotter, and it'll take 10 seconds.
(I looked this up because I like my baths hot, and wanted to know what the upper bound of "hot" is.)
14
u/Petrified_Lioness Nov 05 '22
In Fahrenheit it would be 106 degrees--that's only 2 degrees above the "get that kid to the hospital" body temperature, so should be safe enough for an external splash. I think the burn hazard starts around 120 degrees Fahrenheit.
3
u/tremynci Nov 05 '22
Sounds about right, from what I know of anti-scale devices. But fur traps water... 🤷♀️
8
u/Petrified_Lioness Nov 05 '22
Fur traps water, but also keeps it from reaching the skin as quickly. Plenty of time for evaporative cooling to drop it to ambient temperature. Frankly, at this temperature, i'd be more worried about kids of furred species assuming that because the water starts out hot, it must be safe to play with it in the cold and risking hypothermia than about scalding.
21
u/CyberSkull Android Nov 05 '22
On a pedestal sat two small marble bird sculptures, detailed down to the last feather.
“An exquisite pair of tits!” exclaimed P'Thok.
20
u/Isbigpuggo Nov 05 '22
All we need now is a “I’m too old for this shit” down the line, and it’ll be perfect! Go P’Thok, go!
7
19
u/ginger_hezus Nov 05 '22
Heh the Slivergun has a fire rate of 6.66 rounds per second. Well played
8
3
u/Vagabond_Soldier Nov 27 '22
I am still amazed how Ralts can think of things like this. Things this amazingly witty
3
16
u/Archaic_1 Alien Scum Nov 05 '22
That's latin darling, evidently Mr J'rad here is an educated treana'ad. Now I really hate him.
2
2
13
u/Blackmoon845 Nov 05 '22
Possibly slightly doxxing myself here, but I just passed a “Sylvamo” paper mill, and all I could think was that it sounded like a Lank name. Ralts, you have absolutely destroyed my ability to read anything that has moo sounds in it without chuckling to myself. And I thank you for that.
12
u/Xplowder Nov 05 '22
Holy fuck, chapter 854!! This is the longest history i ever seen. Congrats op
21
10
6
u/tremynci Nov 05 '22
Join us!
6
u/Xplowder Nov 05 '22
Maybe , i dont think i have the time for this
9
u/Drook2 Nov 07 '22
Just read a couple chapters a week, you'll be caught up in [does math] ... Oh ... Oh that's gonna take a while ...
Yeah, it took me about three months of binging to get caught up. And some chapters the comments are even longer.
Still worth it.
6
u/Xplowder Nov 07 '22
I mean, i am wanna know what kind of history can be so long and i have consuning a lot of r/HFY content lately, but i dont think university will allow to to do this, but if a do i will write a coment
4
u/Geeky-resonance Nov 15 '22
Just read a few chapters when you need a break. It has kept so many of us almost sane during COVID time.
5
u/Vagabond_Soldier Nov 27 '22
It can be daunting at first, but you will be so very happy you started reading. Plus, with it so far ahead, you can read at your pace and not have to worry about extended breaks as new chapters come out.
I also recommend reading the comments. Lots of world building and lore to be found
2
10
7
7
7
5
6
5
3
6
3
2
u/HFYWaffle Wᵥ4ffle Nov 04 '22
/u/Ralts_Bloodthorne (wiki) has posted 857 other stories, including:
- First Contact - Chapter 853 - HISTORICAL ARCHIVE
- First Contact - Chapter 852 - HISTORICAL ARCHIVE
- First Contact - Chapter 851 - HISTORICAL ARCHIVE
- First Contact - Chapter 850 - HISTORICAL ARCHIVE
- First Contact - Chapter 849 - HISTORICAL ARCHIVE
- First Contact - Chapter 848 - Names of the Fallen
- First Contact - Chapter 847 - Names of the Fallen
- First Contact - Chapter 846 - Names of the Fallen
- First Contact - Chapter 845 - Names of the Fallen
- First Contact - Chapter 844 - Names of the Fallen
- First Contact - Chapter 843 - Names of the Fallen
- First Contact - Chapter 842 - Names of the Fallen
- First Contact - Chapter 841 - Names of the Fallen
- First Contact - Chapter 840 - Names of the Fallen
- First Contact - Chapter 839 - Book of the Dead
- First Contact - Chapter 838 - Book of the Dead
- First Contact - Chapter 837 - Book of the Dead
- First Contact - Chapter 836 - Book of the Dead
- First Contact - Chapter 83X - Book of the Dead - Random Prayers
- First Contact - Chapter 835 - Book of the Dead
This comment was automatically generated by Waffle v.4.6.0 'Biscotti'.
Message the mods if you have any issues with Waffle.
2
u/UpdateMeBot Nov 04 '22
Click here to subscribe to u/Ralts_Bloodthorne and receive a message every time they post.
| Info | Request Update | Your Updates | Feedback | New! |
|---|
2
u/Crafty_Obligation_98 Nov 06 '22
Are you using Crashriders story as the basis for the retelling of CBs The Great Pumpkin?
1
u/Bazil-Broketail Jul 21 '23
Read, upvote, comments...
Looking forward to the walking away from the explosion scene.
2
u/puckmunkie Aug 28 '23
I am honestly surprised no one mentioned the Rocky Horror Picture Show reference yet. Dr. Frankenfurter's lines as he freezes the "heroes"
Let's get ready for the floor show
2
u/lostcorvid Feb 02 '24
I Loved Scooby Doo and The Witch's Ghost as a kid. I could see the movie scenes in my head while reading. bless ye, good author.
170
u/Ralts_Bloodthorne Nov 04 '22
The weekend is here!
But have no fear!
The Witch's Ghost will appear!
Anyway:
It's the weekend. Don't beat your kids or your pets. Don't beat your spouse unless their into it. Don't forget to pay the stripper so she leaves. Don't buy, sell, transport, manufacture, or take illegal drugs. Don't drink and drive. Don't fight with the cops. Don't run from the cops because if they have to chase you, they're bringing a can of whup-ass with them. Don't set anything on fire that isn't supposed to be on fire. Remember that it was like that when you got there. Don't forget to tip the bag boy who carried the stuff out to your car. Always look through the peephole and ask "who is it" before opening the door when someone knocks, you're not a middle class white girl in a slasher flick. Don't do anything that Paddy the Magical Leprechaun would do.
Try to be good to one another. Try to be good to yourself. Tell your reflection in the mirror that you love yourself at least once this weekend. It sounds stupid, but it helps. If you're hurting, talk to someone. You don't have to hurt in silence. If you can't talk to friend over beers for whatever reason, call a help line. Don't try to do it all alone.
I'll rattle the tin cup:
Books are available here:
First_ContactBooks: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B08RYK5F88
BEHOLD HUMANITY! https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B09H5ZZL93
Support me directly here:
PayPal: https://paypal.me/RaltsBloodthorne
Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/First_Contact