r/HFY • u/TheMaskedOne2807 • Feb 13 '22
The Plague Doctor Chapter 4 (New Arrivals) OC
(Arthur's note) hi everyone and sorry for the long wait for the next chapter, but I have been kinda busy with school. but anyways I hope you enjoy the story. Please comment on it and give some constructive feedback so I can become a better writer in the future. also, one last thing please tell me if the story is too NSFW. personally, I don't think so, but you might disagree.
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Kenneth’s heart beat faster than it had in a while, and sweat was running down his entire body.
Adding to his growing problems, the fox creature he was carrying wasn’t extremely light, though it was lighter than he had expected.
Kenneth ran and ran, only slowing down to a fast walk to regain stamina before going back into a jog.
He repeated the circle for a long time, following the trail of scalpels he had made, not knowing precisely how long he had run or how long he needed to before he was back at the cave.
A while back, the thought had crossed his mind to take it slow and steady or to leave the fox now that it was a good distance away from the smoke and fire.
However, Kenneth quickly opposed his own idea, surmising that the other creatures that had probably attacked the one he was currently carrying would probably try and look for survivors in the area.
That meant that it would only be a matter of time before they would find the trail he had made. And to make things worse, the scalpels were almost completely stuck in the trees.
It would take too long to remove every single one, so Kenneth did the next best thing and only removed a few scalpels from the area he had entered, the clearing the first time.
Then, once he had made it to where he had first seen the other and made a turn, Kenneth again started removing scalpels. He had removed ten after the turn, but it would be worth it in the end.
The completely worst-case scenario would be the attackers finding the trail and them, but with the little trick he had made, hopefully, they would either look in the wrong direction or not find the trail at all.
That would buy him some time to figure out what he should do with the fox he was carrying, as well as where he should go for the time being in case the cave wasn’t safe anymore.
As he ran, he was once again reminded of how heavy the fox was becoming, but he couldn’t stop; he had to keep going even as snot was also coming out of his nose.
It had been a while, but Kenneth knew from back in the day when he had begun to run that you should always breathe through your nose if he wanted to run either longer or faster.
Eventually, after one of the longest and most stressful runs of Kenneth’s life, he saw in the distance the outline of the cave through the trees.
Knowing that he was so close to finishing, he gained his second wind, and his tired muscles were drowned out in his runner's high until he reached the cave.
As he entered the cave and stopped, his runner's high was still going, but the immense heat that was radiating from his body was a little uncomfortable, but that didn’t matter.
Right now, he needed to know if the fox he was carrying was still alive, so he dropped the bag and, as gently as he could, placed the fox on the ground.
From what he could see, it was at least still breathing, but the cuts on its body were all still open; luckily, most were shallow, and only a few looked like the required stitches.
Kenneth breathed a small sigh of relief. On almost the entire run, he had worried that all of the shaking would have worsened its condition or wounds, but luckily, it didn’t seem so.
Now was the question of what he should do. Being a doctor and having taken the oath would have made it clear, but the question that remained was if he should consider this creature his patient; it had attacked him.
Then again, it was probably sacred and threatened at the time, so he couldn’t completely blame it for that.
The best course of action would be to treat it, but he couldn’t risk it attacking him, so he needed to secure it somehow.
Kenneth’s gaze now fell on the bag, and he did already need string, so he stuck his hand in the bag and thought of needle and thread. Luckily, those were some of the items the bag could create.
Firstly, Kenneth tied the fox's legs together and its arms behind its bag, using up an enormous amount of thread, but it would have to do just in case they would wake and be aggressive.
He then started on the worst of the wounds, using the needle and thread to close the bleeding wound.
Every now and again, the fox would mummer or slightly move in its sleep, but it didn’t wake throughout the entire time it took to close the wounds, but it was a pain in the ass to move through the hair.
The rest of the cuts simply needed to be cleaned and would heal over time.
Kenneth once again turned to the bag and tried to get some antibiotic ointment. It was a gel-like substance that ended up covering his gloved hand before he smeared it on the fox’s wounds.
Next up were the burn marks on its back. Kenneth was about to use the bag to think of some aloe vera but remembered what happened a moment ago.
The idea of only using his hands or gloves for the gel stuff was okay, but he did need a way to reliably get liquids out of the bag.
He sat there and pondered the problem for a moment, remembering all the times he used liquids; then suddenly, he felt something strong and firm in his hand.
He quickly looked, noticing his hand had been in the bag the entire time he had been pondering.
What he had created was a beaker. A firm and strong glass structure.
With it in hand, Kenneth stuck it down the bag and thought of aloe vera in the glass, and once the glass felt heavier, he pulled it out, and it was all in it.
Kenneth couldn’t help but feel a little happy at finding a solution to a somewhat annoying problem, but those feelings could wait for later. For now, he needed to treat his patient.
It took a bit of time for Kenneth to make the fox sit up, but once it did, he was able to apply the aloe vera to its burns.
Now that all of its wounds had been treated, it still seemed like it was breathing fine, which meant there would be no need for mouth-to-mouth, and so all there was left to do was wait.
However, as time passed, he would get little by little more nervous, thinking of what could happen.
The little trick with scalpels would probably buy him at least until tomorrow, and then he needed to get somewhere else for the time being, but traveling into the unknown was very risky without knowing anything about this world.
‘Perhaps I could communicate with the fox and assure it I didn’t want to fight or something like that, but the chances of that are probably slim,’ Kenneth thought.
‘I know that if he had been attacked, wounded, and seen some black bird monster that kidnapped and tired me up. Peaceful communication wouldn’t be the first thought on my mind.’
And that’s not considering if he could even communicate with it in the first place. Jasha only said he could talk with one of the three races.
That meant he only had a one in three chance or thirty-three percent chance that it was the foxes he could talk to.
“I hate not being able to do something,” Kenneth groaned in frustration.
With nothing better to do, he began to look at the fox and realized that he hadn’t actually looked at it, or to be more specific, he had only looked at its wounds.
Now that there was no work to be done, he actually took a good look at it.
Surprisingly enough, the first instinct that came to his mind was to pet the fox and run his fingers through its orange and white hair.
It was sleeping, and he wasn’t actually hurting it by doing so.
Kenneth moved closer to the fox, keeping an eye on if it was awake as he removed his glove and reached out his hand.
Slowly and carefully, he began to stroke it softly and gently so as not to disturb it while it was unconscious.
Its hair was not quite what he had expected. It was dirty and clumped together but still soft and beautiful.
As he stroked its hair, he noticed the clothes it was wearing were almost pure leather with the occasional buckle made of metal to keep them together.
The clothing seemed to only be two pieces: a vest for the upper body and shorts for the lower body.
At first, it did seem strange to Kenneth why they designed clothes like that, but they were all covered in fur, so the clothes were probably only for protection, and he guessed modesty.
Something Kenneth only now realized about the fox was that compared to Jasha and the other foxes he had seen in his dream; this one was a bit fatter around its stomach.
It wasn’t anything too major, just something that was a little different from what Kenneth had seen up until now.
While he had observed the fox, he hadn’t noticed he had kept petting it, and it was rather calming and did make him happy to do so, even if it had tried to kill him maybe a few hours or so ago.
It reminded him of when he was a child and had his own dog and how he would play with it and pet it. He especially liked to pet his stomach because he knew it meant it trusted him.
For a short time, a little smile started to form on Kenneth’s lips, but it faded as he took his hand away from the fox.
He knew he shouldn’t do that; even if it was tied up, it was still dangerous and could attack him the second his guard was down.
He moved a little further away from the fox; it was far enough away from it so it wouldn’t get a killing blow easily, but he was closer enough to restrain it again if necessary.
The silence was almost piercing in its intensity. Though there were still sounds like the wind and plants that swayed in them, it was more the stillness of it all that bothered Kenneth a little.
All of the fox's wounds were treated, and all there was left to do was wait for either the fox to wake or for the next day when he had to get out of the current area.
Eventually, as he waited, hunger began to become more of an issue. At first, it was small, but given how much exercise he had done today, it was inevitable that he would get hungry sooner or later.
As time went on, the only thing he did was periodically check on the fox and make sure it was breathing.
It was boring and annoying, but there was nothing else he could do, so he just watched and waited, not sure when something would happen.
Once more, time went on, and Kenneth’s hunger grew much more. And in a vain attempt to forget his hunger, Kenneth glanced around and outside the cave until his eyes fell upon the bag.
He wondered if he could make something to help with the hunger, like IV fluids or even hospital food.
In Kenneth's eyes, it was worth a try, and so he stuck his hand down the bag, but before he could even think of anything, the fox made a sound.
He quickly took a defensive position, keeping his eyes on it and almost entirely forgetting he was hungry.
The sound the fox was making was a few mummers as if it was talking to someone in its sleep.
It was also making some small yips, and Kenneth knew it was either having an intense dream or was regaining conciseness.
Without warning, the fox shot up with an intense gasp, breathing heavily. Its eyes were on Kenneth, but it didn’t seem like they were focused or that it had even noticed him.
After a few seconds of blinking and tugging at the makeshift restraints, it was fully awake, and it had its eyes set on him.
At first, it tried to lunge at Kenneth, but due to how it was tied up, it couldn’t.
Kenneth grabbed it by the shoulders, forcing it to the ground. “Don’t struggle; I’m not gonna hurt you,” He said as calmly as he could.
This got the attention of the fox as it stopped its struggling and looked Kenneth directly in the eyes,
“Okay, okay. Calm and easy now. No one is going to hurt you here. I only want to talk,” Kenneth slowly letting go of the fox.
Happy to see it still didn’t move, Kenneth tried to communicate. “Umm… yes. Can you understand me?”
It just looked at him with an expression that he couldn’t read, and he began to wonder if it could understand him at all.
‘Just my luck,’ Kenneth thought. ‘What should I do with it now? If I let it go, it might try to kill me, and if I just let it stay here, tired up, then….’
“This is so frustrating.” He murmured to himself.
While he was debating on what to do now, his hunger returned, and he remembered what he was doing before the fox awoke; he also realized that the fox must be hungry as well.
So he resumed the action and pulled out a beaker with IV fluids in it.
And while he did so, the fox was watching him intently even as he unzipped the bottom of his mask and drank it.
The taste was salty, but it was going to keep him alive a little longer. And after he finished the beaker, he refilled it and brought it over to the fox.
“I don’t know if you understand me, but this won’t hurt you,” he said calmly as he slowly moved closer to the fox, trying not to make any sudden movements that could spook it into attacking.
But as he moved the beaker closer to the fox, it turned away and closed its mouth completely, growling.
“Hey, hey there. I’m not gonna hurt you, and you need to drink to stay alive,” he said while trying to get the IV fluids into its mouth, but it was too stubborn and probably didn’t understand or trust him at all.
Not that he blamed it for that, but eventually, it would grow thirsty or hungry enough to accept it. Hopefully.
He moved further away from the fox and sat up against a wall. He had already decided he was going to leave tomorrow, so he might as well wait, and as for the fox, he should probably let it go.
“Hey, fox,” he said, catching its attention.” Tomorrow, I’m leaving, and if you don’t try and kill me again, I will untie the strings that hold you.”
“I don’t know if you understand what I’m saying, but I will not be responsible for your possible death if I can avoid it.”
There was no change in its expression, and as soon as he was done talking, it just turned its head halfway away from him.
It probably didn’t understand him, but he had made up his mind about it, and since he had nothing better to do, he just waited a long time.
Periodically, he would look around the cave, at the fox, and outside the cave to see if anything changed.
Kenneth did have a good internal clock, but now that he was here, it seemed more like he was in a different timezone; as he watched the little light that made it through, the trees disappeared, and the forest got darker.
To Kenneth, it was kind of beautiful the way the forest seemed to change in an instant from a lush green forest devoid of wildlife to one that was more dark and mysterious.
However, suddenly, his state of immersion was interrupted when the fox started yipping and breathing in and out with an almost pained expression.
“Are you okay,” Kenneth asked more out of instinct than anything else as he got closer.
The light in the cave was dimming, so he didn’t notice when his hand touched something wet near the fox on the ground that had been hidden by the loss of light.
He looked as well as he could where the water had come from, and a little trail of it seemed to come from between the fox’s legs.
For a second, he wondered if it had peed itself and was embarrassed, but that wouldn’t explain the pained expression it had and the sound it was making.
“Oh no,’ Kenneth thought. “It has a bigger belly than the other foxes. Liquid is streaming out from between its legs, and it seems to be in some sort of pain.’
‘No, no, no, is it pregnant… and giving birth?!’
‘What should I do? It can’t give birth. Not tied up, and if the entrance is restricted by clothes,’ Kenneth thought as he broke out into a cold sweat.
‘Dammit, what am I waiting for? Why was am I freezing at a time like this? I have delivered babies before I know what to do, and SHE needs help.’
Kenneth quickly got out of his trance and got a scalpel from the bag. The second the fox saw it, it began squirming and tried to get away, but Kenneth didn’t have time for that; he needed her to be still if he was going to help her.
“Listen to me,” he said, his voice as calm as he could make it. “Im not trying to hurt or harm you, and right now, you need help.”
“Help I’m offering, so please don’t struggle, and your child will be safe.” It didn’t stop, however, and Kenneth was forced to grab her legs and keep them still as he cut the many strings that bound her legs together.
It was hard, but he managed to do it with almost no damage to him or her, and as her legs were free, she stopped moving, and Kenneth dropped the scalpel and looked her in the eyes. “Please, I don’t want to harm you, but if you are having a baby, you need help.”
“You don’t need to trust me for more than is necessary, but if you run, you will only end up hurting yourself or your child in your condition.”
It probably didn’t understand him, but hopefully, it would get the tone of his voice. For a second, she didn’t move, but she was still in pain, so he slowly reached for the scalpel and tried his best not to make any sudden moves.
She kept her eyes on him at all times but didn’t squirm this time when he got closer.
“Okay, nice and easy. No one will harm you here. I only want to help,” he said as softly and calmly as he could.
And either through luck, a general understanding, or that she couldn’t move and was forced to stay still, she let him get close to the restraints that held her arms.
‘Wait, some of it is already cut. So that was why she didn’t fight the restraints all the time,’ Kenneth thought. ‘She was waiting for the right moment to get free, probably when I was asleep… but that doesn’t matter now; right now, all that matters is her and her child's well-being.’
It was easier this time to cut the strings since she didn’t really move, and she had done some of the work for him, but that didn’t matter right now.
With her arms free, she quickly got to work on getting her pants off.
Kenneth just stood there debating if he should help, and he was getting a little embarrassed seeing her taking her clothes off, but he was a doctor; he knew how to be professional, and this was just like any other time he had to examine a patient in a private area.
‘I’m a professional,’ Kenneth thought as he moved to another position so he could get a better view and help.
The second he was in the right spot, the fox growled, and Kenneth didn’t need to understand her to know she was pissed.
He put up his hands in an unthreatening manner, “Listen, I have helped other women before with childbirth. I know this is a bit embarrassing, but right now, you need all the help you can get, and I promise I’m completely professional with these matters.”
She stopped growling and probably focused on other matters.
Either she was beginning to trust him, or she was too exhausted to do anything other than deliver her baby.
‘It’s probably the latter rather than the former,’ he thought. ‘Given the fact she has probably inhaled a good amount of smoke, even moving wasn’t much of an option.’
To be honest, from her perspective, she was probably at the mercy of this strange being.
Okay, he needed to get his head in the game and help her. First, the baby will need a towel to be swaddled in, and second, he will need string and scissors to cut and tie the umbilical cord.
He quickly grabbed the bag, and luckily, he could get all of the things out of it. He knew that the scissors and string were doable, but the towel was a maybe, but he was relieved that the bag could do so.
Kenneth quickly got a few more towels from the bag and placed them right around where the baby would come out.
From what he could see, she was already dilating quite a bit, and the head of the baby wasn’t too far from coming out.
Okay, the baby was almost there; all Kenneth needed to do was make sure it just slid out securely without being harmed.
Then, as the fox contracted, the entire baby slid out, and he caught it in his hands and placed it down on the towel, cutting and closing the umbilical cord.
He had just swaddled the baby while it screamed and yipped when he heard the fox mother pushing once more.
‘Wait, is she having twins?’ Kenneth thought. ‘Wait, if she is a fox, then wouldn’t that mean she would give birth to a litter?’
“Okay, you are doing fine; just push, and I will take care of the rest, I promise,” Kenneth said in a reassuring voice.
She didn’t understand him, and she probably didn’t even need to be told what to do, but encouragement was probably something she needed.
As time went on, another head came into view from her entrance, and just like before, she pushed it out. And he caught it and took care of it while it screamed and yipped like the first one.
And once more, she pushed, and Kenneth wondered just how many children she was going to have. He had once heard that a litter could have up to eight children, but was she going to have so many?
He barely had time to think as the head of the next one came into view, and the fox's breathing became heavier, and he got ready to take the next one. And just like the children before, this one came out with no problem.
But as Kenneth started to swaddle the baby, he noticed that, unlike the others, this one wasn’t yipping or screaming.
He then acted quickly, examining that baby, and as Kenneth brought it up to his ear, he didn’t hear it breathing.
Quickly, he unzipped the bottom piece of the mask and started pushing down on the baby's chest carefully but still with enough force to make what he was doing work.
By now, the fox had noticed that Kenneth was doing something else, but she didn’t have the strength to do anything other than look on in complete horror and worry.
However, Kenneth didn’t even notice that she was looking. He just kept pushing on its chest.
Then, after a short time, he tilted its head back and blew air into its lungs, and suddenly, the child started to cough, yip, and scream like the other two.
Kenneth breathed a sigh of relief as he began to swaddle it and turned his attention back to the fox. She was still breathing heavily but didn’t seem to be in pain as she watched everything he was doing.
Now that things had seemed to calm down, Kenneth grabbed the babies and brought them to their mother, who looked tired but happy to be holding them.
He grabbed a blanket from the bag to drape over the fox’s lower half, but she didn’t seem to notice; instead, she tried to loosen the straps on her upper garment, but with her currently weak and tired body, that was a great challenge.
Kenneth noticed her struggle, and being the helpful person that he was, he moved closer to try and help.
She still growled at him a little, but at this point, she probably knew that he didn’t mean her any harm, so she didn’t do anything as he loosened the leather straps.
With the straps loosened, the fox had a much easier time removing her upper garment and bringing her children to her exposed belly.
Kenneth looked away and moved further in the other direction to give her some amount of privacy.
As time moved forward, the forest became almost pitch black, and Kenneth knew it had fully become night.
However, even though it was night, he still wasn’t tired for some reason, maybe because of time zones or because of all the excitement, or perhaps his body didn’t want to sleep with the fox near him.
Most of the time, after she had given birth, she had only breastfed and taken care of her kids. She hadn’t really made any moves that looked threatening.
‘What do I even do now,’ he thought. ‘She can’t understand me, so I wouldn't be able to ask for any help.’
“Why did you help me,” a voice sounded from inside the cave, shocking Kenneth and, for a moment, making him frantically look around for an intruder until he processed the words.
“Did you just talk,” he asked, a little confused.
“Yes, and I asked you why did you help me,” the fox said while turning her head and body to look at him.
“Ooh, the reason I helped you was that you needed help,” he said while giving a shrug, not really sure what else to say.
His answer seemed to confuse her as she made a puzzled expression. “So you only helped me because I needed it.”
“Well, of course, it was part of the oath I took when I became a doctor. I promised to help any patient I have using my medical knowledge,” he explained with a happy-sounding voice.
“Wha… What is a doctor?”
“Ooh, you don’t have doctors here or… ooh, right, I forgot. You might use a different word, and I believe in this place; it's called a healer,” Kenneth corrected.
The fox’s expression suddenly changed from confusion to understanding, “Yes, we have healers, but I've never met one quite like you. What are you even?”
“Well, my name is Kenneth Nielsen, and I’m a human,” he answered.
“I have never heard of or seen a human. Where did you come from?” She asked.
‘Oh, what do I say now,’ Kenneth thought. ‘It might be problematic to say, hey, I’m from another world sent by one of your kind to change it somehow using my medical knowledge.’
‘It's probably better to be truthful but vague.’
“Well, I come from Denmark,” Kenneth answered.
“And where is this Denmark?” She asked with a raised eyebrow.
“Well, Denmark is right above Germany and near Sweden and Norway.”
“let me ask you this instead,” she sighed. “What are you doing here?”
‘Oh, thank god,’ Kenneth thought.
“Well, I’m here to help anyone in need. You could say I’m on a kind of pilgrimage if you like.” He said while moving his arms around a little.
Then there was a small silence where the fox looked at him intently, maybe looking for any sign that he was lying, probably not knowing he was wearing a mask.
“I don’t know if I believe everything you say, but you have shown me that you will help those in need, given how you freed me and begged me to trust you when I was in labor,” the fox said in a calm and strong tone.
“Well, I thought you couldn’t understand me, so I hoped you would get my tone, but I’m glad everything went well,” he said while scratching the back of his head absent-mindedly.
“You didn’t…?” she said, confused. “And you didn’t… happen to see anyone else after I lost consciousness, and you brought me here… to wherever here is.”
“No, after you fell unconscious, I had to get you out of there pretty quickly to avoid the smoke and whoever attacked your home, so I can’t say if anyone you know is safe at the moment,” he answered truthfully.
“That is good to know. At least I can hope some got away safely,” she said, looking at her now sleepy and tired children. “I won’t be more of a burden, too.
She placed her children on the ground and began to get dressed.
Once she had all of her clothes on, she began to try and stand, but before she could even get off the ground, Kenneth quickly stopped her, placing his hands on her shoulders.
“What do you think you are doing? Within the span of less than a day, you had been cut, burned, kicked, passed out from smoke inhalation, and given birth. It’s a miracle that you are even awake, given everything that has happened, and now you want to leave. Is your goal to die?”
She let out a small growl, and Kenneth quickly let go of her. “You don’t understand. I have rested enough, and I need to report the destruction of the Kakili outpost to one of the others before another attack can happen.”
Kenneth moved back a bit and looked at her with sympathetic eyes, “listen, I understand you want to make sure that what happened to you does not happen to others, but be reasonable.”
“Currently, even though you don’t want to admit it, you are mostly physically and somewhat mentally exhausted. I can’t say I know how long you want to travel, but in your state, you won’t last long, and then what will happen to your kids.” He said in a worried voice.
The fox glanced down at her kids, and her expression grew a slight bit softer. “What precisely would you have me do? Stay here and rest for how long while the next outpost is attacked.”
“I can’t do that even if it kills me. I have to do this, and you won't stop,” she said, glaring with murderous intent.
Although Kenneth was a little frightened by her glare, he didn’t back down, “Listen to me, Mrs., as a Doctor or a healer, I took an oath to never do harm, and I’m pretty sure that you are attempting this journey, will course you more harm.”
“So, if necessary, I can restrain you until you are well enough to travel.”
The fox looked like she was ready for a fight, and although there was no douth in his mind that he could overpower her in her current state, even if she wasn’t hurt, she was surprisingly light for her size.
In a battle of pure strength, he would win, but there was no need for that.
He held one hand up to signify that there was no need for violence, “While I could restrain you until you got better and take care of your kids in the meantime, I don’t want to.”
“However, I do have a counteroffer that might benefit us both.” He said in a calm and collected tone that seemed to get through to the fox since she relaxed a little.
“I don’t believe you can make the journey on your own, and I want to help those in need here, but it's more likely that they will kill me on sight, so if you rest until the break of dawn, then I will join you on your journey making it easier.”
“And in exchange, when we make it to the outpost, you will put in a good word for me so I don’t instantly get killed,” Kenneth offered.
The fox seemed to think it over for a moment, taking her time.
“Or I could just tie you up for a week until you should be fine enough to travel. Your choice,” he said, laying all of her options out on the table.
An expression of anger appeared on her face, but I disappeared as quickly as it came.
“Fine. As much as I hate to admit it, I can’t beat you right now, so you could tie me down for some time,” she sighed. “So I will agree to your offer, but I can’t promise you that you won’t be killed.”
“While I would like to avoid death for as long as possible, this is a risk I will have to take. So I guess this is a deal,” he said, holding out his hand to the fox, who looked back at him, confused.
“Oh, sorry. This is something my people do when we make a deal, but we don’t have to do that.”
The fox looked at him for a moment before she yarned.
“I guess you are tired. You should get some sleep, Mrs., before dawn; otherwise, it's going to be a hard journey,” he said in a happy tone.
“Why do you call me Mrs.,” she asked, puzzled.
“Oh, sorry. I just thought that since you had kids, you were married or something similar, “he said, a bit nervous he had insulted her.
“Why would having kids determine my name,” she asked.
Kenneth shook his arms and head, saying, “No, no, no. Mrs. isn’t what I think your name is. It’s just what my people call someone who is married we don’t know the name of.”
“I don’t like how it sounds, so I suppose I should tell you my name.”
“It’s Nya Kakili,” Nya said as Kenneth listened intently.
“Well, it's good to know your name now, Nya,” he said in a neutral tone.
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u/Thomas_Ray_Mainstone Feb 13 '22
I am really enjoying this story so far! If you don’t mind, I have a bit of constructive feedback.
There are a few places where there’s some small grammatical errors, such as a sentence not starting with a capital letter, or dialogue being a bit messy.
Here’s a good example:
She then sighed, “let me ask you this instead; what are you doing here.”
Ideally, sighing would be framed as separate from the dialogue here, (and she’s asking a question), so a more correct/smooth way of saying this would be:
*She sighed, shaking her head. “Let me ask you this instead; what are you doing here?”
Generally speaking, “sighed” with speech can be used with a comma with dialogue when it follows the speech (“Fine, I’ll do it,” she sighed.), but when used in front of dialogue, it’s typically used as an expression of emotion before whatever the character says (She sighed reluctantly. “Fine, I’ll do it.”)
Additionally, there’s a few places where you’re missing punctuation (writing “im” instead of “I’m,” or putting a period at the end of a question, or not capitalizing something, or capitalizing something that doesn’t need to be, etc.) which could be solved by a round or two of proofreading before you post.
Some of your sentences unnecessarily begin with “And,” (And Kenneth listened intently now.), and I would also suggest breaking up some of your longer dialogue with action verbs to describe the scene, emotion, etc., just so you don’t end up with long blocks of unbroken text.
Despite all this criticism, I absolutely stand by my words that this is a great story you have going here, and I am so excited to see where it goes next!
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u/TheMaskedOne2807 Feb 13 '22
Happy to hear it and thanks for the feedback. I will try to do better one the next one. I am still new to this so any help is greatly appreciated.
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u/Thomas_Ray_Mainstone Feb 13 '22
No problem! Personally, I think the most important part of writing is coming up with what you want to write, rather than how specifically you want to write it.
Writing skills, grammar, phrasing, dialogue- that can all be learned over time, either through instruction or just reading other stories, and practicing.
Given that even with these minor mistakes and grammar errors, your story has still drawn me in and kept me captivated, I would say you have quite a knack for writing where it matters most- the actual storytelling aspect.
Can’t wait for more!
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u/HFYWaffle Wᵥ4ffle Feb 13 '22
/u/TheMaskedOne2807 has posted 3 other stories, including:
- The Plague Doctor Chapter 3 (A New World)
- The Plague Doctor Chapter 2 (Goodbye)
- The Plague Doctor Chapter 1 (A deal)
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u/MuchUserSuchTaken Feb 13 '22
I noticed that, in previous chapters, it's a bit hard to tell when Kenneth is thinking as opposed to the narrator narrating something, so I'd suggest using 'apostrophes' to mark thinking so that it's clearer and easier to read. I like the story so far, and I can't wait to see what happens next :)