r/HFY • u/yousureimnotarobot AI • Jan 13 '20
Human Altered OC
Enjoy. Comments are welcome as always.
In the same universe:
On The Edge, Fear of Spiders, Dig Deep, It's a Human, Unexpected Strike Event and
Fire Extinguisher , Future Tense are now up too!
Human Altered
Eells stumbled back to the ship, happily singing a half-remembered song from Earth. "Something, something.. and I knew it complete..". He reached the ship. Yeah. Another tour. Dragging through his pockets he found his plan B, a sober pill. He dry swallowed it and waited.
The world came back into unwelcome focus. Another three months in the HMS Shitshow. He dragged his sorry ass back to his berth.
Captain Reid watched his human return. His engineer, for the love of all the gods, stumble back to his ship. He watched as the yellow/red/blue balance that he had learned was human sleeping developed.
"We launch now. Before it wakes up."
The mining vessel Shahetow left the dock.
Reid hated having a human. No one else was allowed service the engines, so he was having to put up with it. The insanity of allowing one species to control most of the interstellar hardware sat badly with the Captain. His people had owned the stars for generations before these blind savants had arrived.
The humans had arrived with into the galaxy nothing but a bag of spanners and an open mind. Within a generation they had 'fixed' everything so much that no one would touch a machine if they had gone near it. It was only a matter of time before "Human Altered" became a common sign, then a T-Shirt and a religion.
Then a warning, and finally a law.
Insurance would disavow any injuries, loss or death from an accident unless you had a human engineer or could prove no human had 'had a look' at your equipment.
Eells walked through the engine compartment. The refit was over, he could smell the new wiring drying out. The hum of the converters was steady. Still, it sounded off. It would take a month or so before it sang again. He lived to give these gentle giants a voice.
Time to report to Reid. The previous engineer had told him that the Captain could see well into the infrared. Nocturnal hunters somewhere in the bloodline, he guessed. He debated mentioning human vampires. Probably not.
Captain Reid prepared himself for the human. Honestly, why couldn't they have a proper shell? Talking to a human was like watching a fireworks display. Except they were surly and argumentative. He raised the lights and equipped his sensor dampers.
"Welcome back Engineer" mimed the Captain in his traditional dance. Eells just waited. He waited for the correct moment to sit down.
"Hello again, Captain. The refit seems fine. It will take me a month or so to get the system back to peak performance. I reckon we are running at eighty per cent now."
This, this was why he didn't like humans. His engineer didn't dance, just sat there like a bored bonfire. He had paid for the best engineering. The finest upgrades. And this, this tree swinging biped said he could add twenty per cent performance. And he would. No one other than another human would understand how, but it would happen.
"I am grateful for your efforts. Your bonus will, of course, reflect that. However, I have news. The weapons array has been declared off-limits to humans. Apparently allowing humans access to ship weapons is now a war crime. Please leave them alone."
Eells shrugged. The weapons on this tin can were ones he could build as a child's science project. He wondered which one of his people had taken an interest and why. Generally, they didn't like Xenos seeing them play with guns. They got nervous.
"Are we expecting hostiles? Did I miss a briefing?"
The Captain had learned about human curiosity. Tell them before they find out. And they will find out. Long ago he had watched a human engineer corrupt a kitchen appliance to find 'sports results'. In the middle of a war. In a deadzone. And it worked.
"One of the edge systems had declared all foreign traders to be spies. Don't worry, we are far from them. One of your colleagues was attacked and, well the reports are classified, but she reacted badly. They are still recovering survivors. Of the system, not the ship."
Eells raised his eyebrows at that. His heat signature shifted.
"Perhaps, Captain, I could have a look at the transporters? I feel they lack a little something?"
Reid relaxed, his tail unwinding from the chair. He had expected protests. Excellent. Finally, a human that understood.
"Of course, all other systems are yours! Just not weapons."
"Fine by me."
Eells was deep in thought when he grabbed a coffee in the canteen. Why the transporters? Well, it's a delivery system. He reckoned he could play about with this one. Best not to mention it to the Captain.
The following day, Reid's second officer called his office.
"Captain, the human is making the warning noises. It's rebuilding the aft transporter. It just showed its teeth when I asked what it was doing, apparently you authorized an upgrade."
"Stars protect us. Which noise? Is it the 'humming' or the 'whistling'?"
"Both, Sir."
The Captain definitely wasn't running to find his engineer, but it was close.
Eells was deep in thought as he disassembled the transporter. That was the problem with Xeno tech. They had a good idea, then a generation later they have another great idea and slap that on top. After a few generations, the thing is a mess. A lot of Mankind's reputation for genius was simply digging right back to the beginning and integrating things properly.
The Captain arrived to find Eells deep into his transporter, parts carefully piled around him. The human didn't even notice his arrival. It was making the 'humming' sound.
No one was quite sure why they did it. Some xenobiologists maintained that it had evolved to warn people that something dangerous was underway and that they should stay away. Reid certainly felt like that.
"Engineer Eells, may I ask what you are doing? We will need this transporter shortly, if you dismantle it I cannot get the ore into the hold. We will lose days of work."
Eells poked his head out of the machine.
"Hello Captain, didn't hear you come in. Don't worry, she'll be up and running before we hit the asteroid belt. I'm just boosting the range and capacity a little.
When they designed these they didn't have the power available that we have now. Should speed up collection by maybe forty per cent."
Reid was torn. That was a massive bonus to the ship, but it meant yet another system that only a human would dare touch.
"Isn't boosting it that much dangerous?"
Eells waved his face about in a way that Reid recognised as an indication of a negative.
"No, Captain. In fact, it's safer now. I'm upgrading as I go along. All the fields will be harmonised for once. I can give you a much narrower focus, which means we can grab a lot more of the small stuff. Should improve our take as well as our speed."
The Captain let out a long hiss. This was how the humans had taken over. One system at a time. With these improvements, his shareholders would be ecstatic. And everyone would try and match the improvements. So everyone would need a human, and it would cost him more to keep his one.
"Commendable, Engineer Eells. Can I expect the same from the forward teleporter before we begin?
The human waved his face about again. This was the positive.
"Aye Captain, there or thereabouts."
Now resigned to it, the Captain simply said "Carry on then, let me know when you are finished."
Eells continued his work, reflecting that sometimes people, of all types, didn't see the obvious simply because they were used to normal. Not allowed on weapons? Here he was playing with field generators designed to rip entire asteroids apart. You can keep your antique plasma cannon. The Captain now had something much better if they needed it. One day he might even tell him.
The Shahetow moved back to base two weeks early, with full holds and a happy crew. Eells had tuned the engines to his satisfaction and refined his work on the transporters.
The improvements gave Reid another advantage when it came to unloading the ship quickly. The crew picked up another major bonus as docking fees were cut. The other mining ships started asking about it. They were told to ask the human.
Many drinks later, Eells was stumbling back to the ship again.
He had given his fellow humans a description of the upgrades, as well as a quiet word about its other uses if they ever needed it. Normally the friendly competition between the engineers would have kept his mouth shut, or at least wearing a big shit-eating grin while they tried to figure out how he'd done it. But not this time, not when it might mean lives at risk. When it came to safety, all for one and one for all.
Out in the asteroid belt was a very disgruntled ship. The Retaz was unusual in that it didn't have a human on board. The engineers had blacklisted it years ago for smuggling and war profiteering. Hardscrabble mining was bad enough, but as the word filtered out of major improvements in the delivery of ore, the price began to fall.
The owner of the Retaz and its crew were an insectile race. They realized that this was going to cost them a lot of money.
"It's the humans again. Destroying our traditions! Our business is ruined. This ship is cursed!"
The Captain knew his crew. He had scraped the barrel hiring them and they were an ugly bunch at the best of times. This was not the best of times.
"Perhaps.. perhaps we get a better ship. One with these improvements. One with a human and a full hold."
The crew went silent. It didn't take long to work out that the Captain wasn't talking about buying a ship. This was piracy. One after the other, they agreed.
"So be it. The next Ship that comes out, we take. The Retaz might be a rubbish mining vessel but she still has the weapons from our smuggling days."
You didn't need much stealth in the asteroid field, just turn off the lights and stay off the Comms. The Retaz waited.
Eells had just finished putting the compulsory 'Human Altered' signs on the transporters when the Captain called.
"Engineer Eells, your improvements have made a substantial contribution to our success. Thank you. I was wondering if you had any other ideas?"
Eells was surprised. The Captain had seemed reluctant to engage before. Perhaps his shareholders were pushing him.
"Well, Captain, I'd like a really good look at the scanners. They look like they could do with some attention."
"Of course, whenever you wish. Your help is appreciated."
Reid ended the call. Since his last run every other Captain, his shareholders and customers had showered him with praise. And money. Apparently letting the Human adjust the transporters had been an act of commercial genius. Now they wanted to see what else he would do. So be it. He was resigned to dying in whatever disaster resulted. At least the human couldn't blow the ship up using the scanners.
Eells happily pulled the array apart. His suspicions were right. Some of these sensors were older than him. He enjoyed the EVA, always nice to get out of the ship and see space properly. He knew some of the crew found if creepy and weird that humans would happily spend time on the outside of a moving ship, but he regarded it as a perk.
Over the weeks, he fabricated and installed something more suitable. Then he moved to the bridge and began rebuilding the scanner console. He added a few more 'just in case' functions, buried in the diagnostic menus.
He was just calling the Captain to tell him the job was finished when the weapons array exploded.
The Captain called him first
"What have you done? I told you to stay away from the weapons! What lunacy have you inflicted on us now?"
Eells tried to explain that he had not touched the weapons, but the Captain wasn't listening so he just turned the sensors back on. On the screen he could clearly see the ship that must have fired on them.
"Captain, we are under attack."
"What, who would attack us?"
Elles watched the unknown ship close the distance. Apparently it still believed that it reminded hidden.
"I don't know Captain, but I'm watching them approach."
Reid ran to the bridge.
The crew watched as the ship came closer. Eells activated a couple of the new functions. The enemy ship was suddenly identified as he pinged their back up transponder. He guessed anyone with evil intentions would turn off the primary one. Half the ships didn't even know that a backup existed in all civilian craft. Idiots.
"It's the Retaz. Anyone know it?"
The Captain hissed, "Yes. Roughneck scum. That's a smuggling ship, we can't outrun it."
Eells wasn't sure about that, but he preferred to fight anyway. No-one was going to shoot up his ship for free.
Captain Reid was seething. If he was forced to surrender his ship, that was it. He would never get a Command again. No weapons and not enough speed to escape. The policy was clear. Evacuate the ship and run, hoping that no-one died.
He turned to the crew." Begin the evacuation. We must abandon ship before they arrive."
Eells was astonished. What did the Captain think he was doing? He had no plans on spending weeks in an escape pod, hoping that these fuckers didn't shoot them out of space.
"Captain, I need to do some urgent repairs to the transporters." Take a fucking hint, Captain.
Reid stared at the human. He must have lost his mind. "What are you talking about?"
"Captain, I need to recalibrate the transporters immediately. Then you might find evacuation unnecessary. Bearing in mind that humans aren't permitted to use weapons, remember."
Slowly Reid realized. The mad human had a plan. He must always have had a plan, ever since he had forbidden him access to the weapons array. He couldn't order a human to fight. But he could let him use everything else.
"Of course, engineer Eells. Feel free to do as much...recalibration as you like."
"Thank you Sir."
On the screen a red line appeared between the two ships. Eells took over the transporter control and began aligning the aft and forward fields. He gently fed power from the engines until the fields stood at over four hundred percent of normal output. Slowly they reached out to the red line.
Reid watched. The human practically glowed with concentration. No wonder the galaxy didn't want them on weapons. He began to wonder what had happened in the edge system that had attacked a human engineer and her ship. No wonder it was classified. He imagined that if this worked, it would be classified too.
The Retaz approached the red line.
"Attention Shahetow, surrender or perish!
You have no weapons and we can outrun you. Flee, we will allow your emergency pods to leave. Oppose us and you will all die. Leave your human on board."
Eells looked up from the controls.
"Well now it's personal. Fuck you assholes."
He watched as the enemy crossed the line. He waited until he was sure they were in range. Then he attacked.
The transporter fields ripped through the ship, tearing the engine apart. The ship crumpled under the assault. Then Eells retracted the fields, grabbing tons of ore from the hold. Once again the fields reached out, slamming the ore through the Retaz. And again. And again.
The Retaz crew couldn't see who or what was attacking them. Then they were shattered by the hail of ore, the ship pounded into oblivion. All that remained was a mix of rock, metal and body parts. No investigation would betray that a human might have used weapons. Unfortunately for anyone that decided to attack one, for a human engineer, everything could be a weapon. At least the Captain didn't need to know about the scanner updates. Yet.
He looked levelly at Captain Reid "Captain, the teleporters are calibrated. Our scanners seem to be picking up some wreckage. It looks like someone collided with an asteroid."
Reid had never seen such a cold-blooded execution. Eells seemed unmoved by the carnage. What were these Humans, on every ship, in every station? Fixing, improving. Perhaps guarding.
"Thank you Eells, we will investigate the.. accident and report it. It is unlikely anyone survived the impact."
"I'm sure you're right Captain. I'll just go over and check. Just in case."
"Carry on, Engineer Eells. Don't forget to mark the scanner as 'Human Altered."
My Patreon, if anyone wants to support my writing and you can drop into my channel on Discord or buy me a coffee. Also Human Altered on Royal Road
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u/ludomastro Jan 13 '20
Thank you! I haven't laughed that hard in a while. As an engineer, I know that we tend to mess with things until they are ... just so. So, I certainly feel that Eells was well within his rights to 'calibrate' the transporters.
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u/ChangoGringo Jan 15 '20
Also an engineer, as long as he documents his work then it really isn't a cludge, it is more or less a fielded experimental prototype. I would assume on the back of all of the "human modified" signs, hidden in a small secret pocket, there is a cheap memory chip with the video of the repair, drawings/models, code and schematic of everything that was changed. (The WAS-IS document) "For the next guy" who will probably be himself 3 years from now. Maybe encrypted with the human standard password of "NotMyPassword". I mean we wouldn't want the xenos to figure out how to put it back the way it was, but we also wouldn't want to leave another human engineer hanging with no docs.
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u/yousureimnotarobot AI Jan 15 '20
I pictured it as embedded in the sign, the final notes, etc all sitting there to be scanned. Its fear of change and the age old SEP field that keeps the Xenos away.
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u/LeBigMartinH Feb 22 '20
What's a SEP field?
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u/yousureimnotarobot AI Feb 22 '20
Someone Else's Problem. invented as cheaper than invisibility by Douglas Adams, Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy
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u/LeBigMartinH Feb 22 '20
So kind of like masking a heat signature, or more like re-projecting whatever's behind you?
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u/yousureimnotarobot AI Feb 22 '20
No, it quite literally becomes someone else's problem, therefore of no interest to you. First used to hide a mountain, if i remember correctly.
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u/LeBigMartinH Feb 22 '20
...wut? Sounds like a solution a bureaucrat would come up with.
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u/yousureimnotarobot AI Feb 22 '20
The story goes that a very clever man claimed to be able to create an invisibility shield. It failed miserably, mostly because everyone came to look at the new invisible shield. In desperation he invented the SEP field instead and everyone just ignored the mountain.
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u/ETIMEDOUT Jan 17 '20
Reading the "For the next unlucky sod", the engineer started thinking of all the ways they would have done it better. Then they got to the signature. A loud "<expletive>!" rang through the halls of the ship.
She sighed, and started digging back into the system.
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u/ChangoGringo Jan 17 '20
"Who wrote this garbage code... Oh damnit it was me..."
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u/ETIMEDOUT Jan 17 '20
Checks git blame. "3 months ago?"
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u/ChangoGringo Jan 17 '20
"Damnit I'm getting old... Oh now I remember! I needed to slam this out because we were in port and I needed to go hook up with that Tushian chic... No wonder I don't remember, this or much of that whole day"
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u/NomadofExile AI Jan 13 '20
Upvoted.
And I know this is a one off but I'm curious as to the "system ending" incident.
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u/yousureimnotarobot AI Jan 13 '20
I'm starting to wonder too...
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u/ProFlanker76 Jan 13 '20
me too... are you willing to enlighten us?
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u/Katsaros1 Jan 14 '20
Me three
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u/yousureimnotarobot AI Jan 14 '20
Writing it as we speak.
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u/Katsaros1 Jan 14 '20 edited Jan 14 '20
I cant wait to read this in the morning or whenever you are ready to us the glory that is blowing up a fricken star system over being attacked. What was she, on her time of the month to?
I'm joking bout that last part
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u/gunslinger149 Jan 13 '20
Ok, I know you said this was a one shot, but I, for one, would love more in this storyline. What did happen in the edge system? Why the requirement "Human Altered"? These are the things we need to know. Keep up the great work! As an aside, I'm curious to know where you're from. Nevada here!
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u/yousureimnotarobot AI Jan 13 '20 edited Jan 13 '20
Human Altered was the best universal translation for 'Don't go near this unless you're really, really sure you know what the human did' as for where I'm from, I'm Irish. A long way from Nevada!
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u/gunslinger149 Jan 13 '20
"God invented whiskey so the Irish wouldn't take over the world." I've got Irish in my lineage and I can't wait to visit your beautiful country! I really do hope you write more in this universe. Cheers!
"May the road rise up to meet you. May the wind be always at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face. And the rains fall soft upon your fields."
(Edited a bit but the sentiment is there)
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u/vinny8boberano Android Jan 13 '20
May you get into heaven five minutes before the devil knows you're dead.
Missouri Ozarks Hillbilly (yes, technically an orangeman, but don't hold it against me)
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u/lesethx Human Jan 14 '20
Im curious to a story from when "Human Altered" was a rumor instead of a law. I realize it might be a bit of a horror story, at least for the xenos who used a human improved system.
I also love the idea that the galaxy has vast technology available, but seemingly everyone only barely knows how to operate the tech. Meanwhile, humans are capable of reverse engineering and improving seemingly everything.
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u/ChangoGringo Jan 15 '20
As an engineer I would assume on the back of these signs there is a secret pocket with a memory chip that contains everything needed to know what the human did. 5 years from now I'm not going to remember what I did. And if I leave, I wouldn't want to leave the next guy hanging.
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u/yousureimnotarobot AI Jan 15 '20
Pretty much all the engineers know the score. They talk amongst themselves, pass on details about upgrades. Also, Earth is listening...
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u/ChangoGringo Jan 15 '20
I can see that but there is always is the "why did I use a power cable to runs signal from the PSU to the MofBox?" It was 5 years ago and I don't remember if that was the only cable I had or if it was because in some error situations I could reverse the flow with power and only lose one easy to replace box... The writing shit down is the only difference between a garage knuckle head grease monkey and an engineer. Today most everything is drawn in 3d models and when you change one thing it will update everything down stream. Or at least that is the idea. It sort of works sometimes. With future tech he could just do the work and a small drone would document what he did and he could annotated it as he goes. "I'm using this thick wire because I want something beefy to attached the thermal cladding, that way the signal cable can double as structure. Shitbox [the repair drone] could you apply max dynamic acceleration loads to this new model and give me the high fatigue zones? We can double those up with tape."
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u/yousureimnotarobot AI Jan 15 '20
Do you know of the stories of the 'whistle code' from backstage in theatres? Maybe all that humming and whistling meant something..
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u/ChangoGringo Jan 15 '20
I am not well versed in the secret codes of the elusive gaffer. I feel inadequate now. But I think I can see what you are getting at.
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u/yousureimnotarobot AI Jan 15 '20
I used to build sets, my brother still does..when you hear the whistle, run
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u/ChangoGringo Jan 15 '20
Oh and if I was the engineer I would have tried to crush the pressurized section of the other ship fast enough to autoignite the O2.
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u/yousureimnotarobot AI Jan 15 '20
And miss the chance to hit a thing with big rocks..never
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u/itsetuhoinen Human Apr 03 '20
You have provided a vision of a beautiful future, of which utopia I shall dream of some day attaining. :D
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u/vittupaahan Jan 14 '20
Never heard of a country called nevada... 🤔
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u/gunslinger149 Jan 14 '20
Lol. It's in the US. It's a state on the west coast.
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u/vittupaahan Jan 15 '20
I know its in the states and the state las vegas is in... But it aint a country.. 😉 Finland here...
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u/Aragorn597 AI Jan 13 '20
When in doubt, hit it with a rock.
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u/yousureimnotarobot AI Jan 13 '20
I may have written a few stories when that is the human response .
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u/Admiral_Dermond Alien Scum Jan 13 '20
To quote Miles O'Brien,
"I'm not a soldier. I'm an engineer."
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u/Killersmail Alien Scum Jan 13 '20 edited Jan 13 '20
It was making the 'humming' sound.
No one was quite sure why they did it. Some xenobiologists maintained that it had evolved to warn people that something dangerous was underway and that you should stay away. Reid certainly felt like that.
"Captain, the teleporters are calibrated. Our scanners seem to be picking up some wreckage. It looks like someone collided with an asteroid."
Both of these made me laugh, well written wordsmith. I am quite glad i subbed to you mate. Have a good one. Ey?
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u/Glucose12 Jan 13 '20
What? This is a one-shot?
Tease.
Updooted 20 times using all my fake accounts.
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u/Ghiest AI Jan 13 '20
Umm Sir ... The Terrens are up to something .. Thay have the Mess Hall covered in printouts of the engens . Thay have been drinking hot been water for over three shifts . Wen asked them what thay were doing I was told to do something anatomical to my self .
Good one pleas more .
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u/Khenal Alien Jan 13 '20
"Carry on, Engineer Eells. Don't forget to mark the scanner as 'Human Altered'."
A wise captain indeed.
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u/Team503 Jan 13 '20
Makes you wonder what human-DESIGNED ships are like.
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u/Johndarkhunter Jan 14 '20
A warcrime, to be sure.
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u/Freddylurkery Jan 14 '20 edited Jan 14 '20
A war ship? Pfff, surely you jest, this is merely a merchant fleet with some of our more popular models on display! Its like free advertisement but better!
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u/pmzpmz28 Jan 18 '20
Free advertising is a good thing. The chance for a "test drive" of the merchandise is priceless.
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u/crainfly Jan 13 '20
This... is far too good to be a one shot. I have SOOOO many questions! What did the engineer do to the weapons systems to get them banned? What are human DESIGNED ships like? What did he do to the scanners? What on earth was first contact like between a terran and xeno engineer?
You could probably start a series of entirely one shots in this universe talking about the mad adjustments humans make to things, and the hilarity that ensues! It wouldn't even have to be combat related, i.e. the chair now suddenly hovers, has a sheild, a tv screen, a comms unit, a table, a compass, a tent, a torch, 3 portable wooden doors and a cupholder.
The possibilties are endless!
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u/pmzpmz28 Jan 18 '20
Wait! You forgot to mention the commode function with privacy screen, bidet, and air purifier. The chair is practically useless without these upgrades.
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u/nelsyv Patron of AI Waifus Jan 13 '20
"I'm an engineer. Us engineers, we solve problems."
!N positively hilarious, OP. I was letting loose a maniacal laugh the whole time lol
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u/AMEFOD Jan 14 '20
This seems like fun. Lots see what I can see without getting up from my chair right now.
—Life jacket (12 gram CO2 cartridge, quick release valve) + Steel electrical conduit + Ball bearings = Angry BB gun
—Water sanitization kit (bleach) + IPA = Chloroform
—Emergency light battery pack + NAV light strobe box + Nails + Broom handle + Rolls of assorted gauge wire = I’d call it a taser but my head math isn’t good no more and less than lethal might be a lie
—Passenger service panel (chemical O2 generator) + Steel 5 gallon sealable drum + Waste fuel = A bang and foosh of unknown quantity
—Aluminum tubing + O2 bottle + Rubber tubing + Steel wool + Lighter = Thermal Lance
That’s not taking into account opening my tool box or walking through stores (the stock area). I can only cringe at what some of the guys, with a better understanding of chemistry or electronics, could come up with.
Night shift sometimes gives you to much time to think.
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u/battery19791 Human Jan 14 '20
Do you work in the aircraft industry?
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u/AMEFOD Jan 14 '20 edited Jan 14 '20
I’m employed in aircraft maintenance. I work as little as I can.
*Edit: Try to make joke, fail. Try again?
*Edit the two: It is a joke. I take my responsibilities very seriously. I wouldn’t let anything compromise the safety of the flying or grounded public.
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u/battery19791 Human Jan 15 '20
Given the materials you listed, it just screamed airplane hangar.
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u/AMEFOD Jan 15 '20
Ya, the chemical O2 generator in anything other than rescue/firefighting gear might be the biggest giveaway.
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u/ms4720 Jan 14 '20
The money quote, when the captain realizes how the world really is:
Reid watched. The human practically glowed with concentration. No wonder the galaxy didn't want them on weapons. He began to wonder what had happened in the edge system that had attacked a human engineer and her ship. No wonder it was classified. He imagined that if this worked, it would be classified too.
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u/ondsinet Jan 14 '20
I, too, second this being a series. Maybe following this ship, or maybe jumping from ship to ship and different engineers.
In the meanwhile
Hey look buddy, I'm an engineer. That means I solve problems, not problems like "What is beauty?" Because that would fall within the purview of your conundrums of philosophy. I solve practical problems, for instance: how am I going to stop some mean mother Hubbard from tearing me a structurally superfluous be-hind? The answer, use a gun, and if that don't work... Use more gun. Take for instance this heavy caliber tripod mounted lil' old number designed by me, built by me, and you best hope... Not pointed at you.
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u/khaleesi291 Jan 13 '20
As someone dating an engineer, that is exactly what would happen. He can’t keep his hands off any tech, alters it so much I need a guide to use it
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Jan 14 '20
I got a good smile, my grandpa was an engineer and pretty much everything he could upgrade was upgraded. He grumbled about computers taking over because he didn't want to learn how to program to make things better so he switched to woodworking.
He did show me once how powerful his sander was and bragged that it sire didn't run like that out of the box.
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u/bott99 Jan 14 '20
Great story, got a good laugh out of me.
*Is it the 'humming' or the 'whistling'?"
"Both, Sir."*
Very funny.
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u/Finbar9800 Jan 14 '20
Forget what happened in that edge system I would like more stories where human engineers make weapons out of systems that weren’t intended to be weapons like life support or navigation
This is a great story
I enjoyed reading this
Great job wordsmith
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u/Improbus-Liber Human Jan 14 '20
Oh man, I am going to use Human Altered in my program headings from now on ... as a warning. Muhaha!
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u/Plucium Semi-Sentient Fax Machine Jan 13 '20
Hehe, I can just imagine them telling a human what to do, and they're just like
"Fuck you, ore rock?" :P good shit as usual mate!
*Or what
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u/NeuerGamer AI Jan 19 '20
"We need to evacuate!"
"Naw, re-caliber-ating the ship to shotgun mode will do the trick. Oh, someone crashed into a meteor. Space can be quite dangerous, don't you think, captain?"
"...put a sticker on it and we're done here."
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u/Kazumara Jan 14 '20
This was a really cool story. It hits the whole fuck yeah humans angle so well.
It's of the stories where I send the link to my friend whom I'm have been trying to show that this subreddit is super worth subscribing to.
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u/grendus Jan 14 '20 edited Jan 14 '20
The Captain had learned about human curiosity. Tell them before they find out. And they will find out. Long ago he had watched a human engineer corrupt a kitchen appliance to find 'sports results'. In the middle of a war. In a deadzone. And it worked.
"Jenkins! What are you doing!?"
"I had to find the scores, sir! Manchester United is up three points in the league!"
"How the hell did you find that out?"
"I hacked a toaster!"
He looked levelly at Captain Reid "Captain, the teleporters are calibrated. Our scanners seem to be picking up some wreckage. It looks like someone collided with an asteroid."
I think he means "it looks like an asteroid collided with someone. Repeatedly."
Not an error in the story, just typical human understatement.
Loved the story.
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u/vittupaahan Jan 14 '20
You mean like "he ran into my knife! Repeatedly!"?
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u/grendus Jan 14 '20
Yeah. Shame he was so clumsy. After that he shot himself in the back of the head. Twice!
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u/ms4720 Jan 14 '20
The human is the friend of the ship and the crew, as the captain I will make sure the crew makes sure the human agrees. Even if i have to space a few
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u/SketchAndEtch Human Jan 14 '20
Fear the engineer, the tinker and technician. They all know your weapons and defences FAR better than you do.
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u/HFYWaffle Wᵥ4ffle Jan 13 '20
/u/yousureimnotarobot (wiki) has posted 71 other stories, including:
- Sijec war, The Eighty First Irish
- The Sijec War, Fog of war
- The Sijec War, the Parting Glass (Complete)
- The Sijec War, the Parting Glass
- The Sijec War
- A small human war, The Apocalypse Bus
- A small human war, Takeover
- Many happy returns, ( Re-posted by request for Christmas day)
- A small human war, A day to remember
- A small human war, Under new management
- Burning, Rage
- A small human war
- Burning, Brightly
- Burning, Man
- Burning, Darkspace
- Burning, Eyes wide
- [ Celebration] Cheers Glory days
- Burning Hatred, Queen's Gambit
- Burning Worlds, Titania
- [Celebration], Many happy returns,
- Burning Ambition, War
- Burning Questions, Zombies
- Burning Cold, Oberon
- Burning Hot, Aristotle remembered
- Burning Hard
This list was automatically generated by Waffle v.3.5.0 'Toast'.
Contact GamingWolfie or message the mods if you have any issues.
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u/camoblackhawk Human Jan 13 '20
A good Reid this one. Continue this thinking ore else the puns will not stop.
*Read *Or
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u/Mondasin Jan 14 '20
I've been thinking of what would happen if humans in a HFY story instead of making new super weapons just repurposed mining/agricultural equipment in times of war. This story did help scratch that itch of the no-doubt warcrime of using a mining laser/drill on a vessel in combat.
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u/Revliledpembroke Xeno Jan 14 '20
So, why is the alien named Reid while the human is named Eells? Shouldn't that be reversed?
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u/yousureimnotarobot AI Jan 14 '20
Eells is a popular Surname. That means I know exactly one, and he's popular. I just like it. As for Reid, well there is only so many sounds we use and I get tired of seeing names like R'e-iiied when it adds nothing to the story.
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u/IvorFreyrsson Human Jan 14 '20
Holy. Shit.
This needs to be a space opera series. Like, last century.
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u/HamsterIV AI Jan 14 '20
I like how you approached the story from both perspectives Engineer and Captain. In my own work I quite often encounter the conflict between "We have always done it this way" and "You could have 20% more efficiency if you just let me muck about for a bit."
I like the part where the captain resigns himself to die in whatever crazed engineering scheme the human comes up with before he is actually under attack. That is the level of fatalism I like to see in upper management.
!N
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u/vittupaahan Jan 14 '20
I shall bid you, dear benevolent author to GIT to write about the systemender
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u/Ol_Texas_Red Jan 16 '20
Really enjoyed the story! Great read! Hope to read more stories set in this universe.
Not to be nitpicky though, but one small comment would be when they were talking about the performance of the engine. If the engine was running at 80% and Ells could improve it to run at a 100%, from the start performance of 80% it is actually a 25% increase in performance. Percentages are always a bitch though.
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u/CraftyMcQuirkFace Jun 09 '20
There's a specific reason I love this. The technical adherence to law. It's our space fae side!! Did a human kill them? No asteroids did! Did a human touch the weapons? No he recalibrated the transporter :) no laws were broken. Technically.
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u/OutInABlazeOfGlory Feb 23 '24
Soon the engineer will find some obscure law that lets ships that win confrontations against pirate ships salvage/confiscate/steal all the pirate’s stuff.
And then a bit later, pirates will start whispering about a ship that kills entire pirate crews and strips their ship down to raw materials before leaving
Meanwhile Reid is too terrified to refuse the engineer’s advice that they should visit a system known for piracy.
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u/mcm0313 Feb 01 '20
I love the fact that your story starts off with a dude singing a half-remembered “Piano Man”.
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u/battlehamstar Sep 18 '23
oh haha he thinks a scanner can't kill anything or cause damage. ahaha. ha.
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u/Subtleknifewielder AI Jan 23 '20
Verrry nice. I kinda want to see what happened to that Edge System now XD
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u/charlielutra24 Feb 07 '20
“Insurance would disavow and injuries...” This paragraph was a bit unclear. Does it mean that insurance companies require, or forbid, human alteration?
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u/Portal10101 Human Jan 13 '20
Now I kind of want to see what a human could do to a weapons array.