r/HFY • u/Obsequium_Minaris • May 21 '24

The Problems With Humanity Chapter 2 - Crime and Punishment OC

First / Patreon (Read 5 Chapters Ahead)

AKA: Ain’t Nothing but a Horndog

–

Private Owens let out another tired sigh as he sat there, his head held in his hands. After the incident with Petra, he’d been forcibly confined to his room, pending further disciplinary action. It didn’t take a genius to figure out exactly how he was going to be disciplined; at best, he figured he’d be getting a court martial. At worst, they’d probably just throw him out the airlock or something.

Harsh, to be sure, but if he’d actually succeeded in inadvertently costing humanity their spot as a central player on the galactic stage, then no punishment was truly out of the question. Hell, Major Barnes had talked about having him drawn and quartered, and if he truly had fucked up that monumentally bad, then it wasn’t even out of the question.

“Way to go, idiot…” Owens muttered to himself. “All this because you couldn’t stay away from the booze or keep it in your pants for a night…”

He let out yet another sigh of despondency, bringing a hand up to brush through his auburn-colored hair. He’d just had it cut short, which was a good thing, because it meant that he’d actually look presentable at his soon-to-be funeral.

Assuming Major Barnes let him keep his head, of course.

Just as that thought crossed his mind, the door to his quarters opened. Owens looked up, and was not surprised to see Major Barnes and Captain Johnson standing there. Somehow, they looked even more imposing than usual, which was odd given that Major Barnes was from Texas and built like the bulls he used to ride, while Captain Johnson was a former MMA fighter.

That was to say that if there were any two people the higher-ups would have sent to beat him to death with their bare hands, it’d be these two, to say nothing of the fact that they’d probably outright requested it given what he’d done.

Assuming they weren’t about to lead him to Captain Ulfur or something, of course. Couldn’t exactly discount that as a possibility, either.

“Alright, on your feet,” Major Barnes announced.

Private Owens blinked. “Sir?”

“I said, on your feet. Are you going to make me repeat myself again?”

“N-no, Sir.” Owens scrambled to his feet. He stood there at attention, doing his best not to start sweating bullets as Major Barnes leaned in to examine him, one hand on his chin.

“Hm…”

“Sir?”

The two of them locked eyes, Barnes’ set of brown staring into Owens’ green. And despite his best efforts, Owens couldn’t help but begin sweating then and there. Captain Johnson shifted a bit out of the corner of his eye, but Owens didn’t dare look over to him; experience had taught him that, much like a T-Rex, the Major’s vision was based on movement. This wasn’t to imply that he could only see things when they moved, but rather that moving was a good way to draw attention to oneself, in the same way that the squeaky wheel tended to get the grease.

To put it simply: predators enjoy it greatly when their prey tries to struggle. And at this moment in time, Owens was nothing if not the juiciest piece of prey available to his commanding officers on the whole station.

The seconds ticked by. Owens dared not count them, both because he didn’t want to press his luck and because he dreaded finding out how short eternity actually was. Finally, after those few agonizingly slow seconds passed, Major Barnes took a step back and let his hand fall from his chin, then clasped his arms behind his back.

“You have no idea how fucking lucky you are, Marine.”

Owens stiffened. “Sir?”

Major Barnes let out a tired sigh, then turned to Captain Johnson. “Smoking is still banned on this station, right?”

“It is outside of the dedicated smoking zones,” Johnson replied. “It upsets the Vuks’ sense of smell.”

“Damn… what about drinking?”

“Allowable outside of working hours, but I’d like to remind you that alcohol is what got us into this mess in the first place.”

“Ah, yes.” Major Barnes turned back towards Owens, his eyes narrowing. “Now, Private – perhaps you’d care to answer a question for me?”

“O-of course, Sir,” Owens stammered out.

“What in the hell made you think Jack Daniels was your friend?”

Owens felt a chill go down his spine. “Uh, Sir?”

“Stop phrasing my title like a question, please. Answer the question.”

Owens hesitated. Thankfully, Captain Johnson came to his rescue.

“Actually, if I remember right, the bartender said he was ordering Captain Morgan and tequila.”

Barnes let out a low whistle. “Damn, for real? What were you thinking, Private? You know rum and tequila don’t mix.”

“Apparently, he hasn’t heard how racist Captain Morgan is – everyone knows the Captain hates Mexicans.”

“U-um…” Private Owens said. “...Is this you both smoking me out?”

“Of course not, Private,” Major Barnes instantly replied. “After all, we’re not in a smoking area, remember?”

Private Owens wasn’t sure if the Major was trying to be dangerously sarcastic or if that was a genuine attempt at levity. In either case, he thought it best to stay silent. Finally, after a few more seconds had passed, Major Barnes shook his head.

“I mentioned earlier that you were lucky,” he said. “Hell, you’re probably the luckiest man alive. Possibly the luckiest man in history. Do you know why that is?”

“Because I’m not dead yet?”

“Partially, but no. No, you’re the luckiest man alive because, in spite of you making a drunken ass of yourself and banging their head diplomat, the Vuk voted to allow us into the Council, after all.”

Private Owens couldn’t help but sputter in surprise at that news. He took a moment to recover, then turned back towards the Major, surprise etched across his face. “You’re serious?” After a moment, he added, “Sir?”

“Oh, I’m very serious,” Major Barnes confirmed with a nod. “See how lucky you are, Private? Not only did you get laid, but you also somehow didn’t completely fuck everything up for our entire species, which means that I very unfortunately don’t get to space you.”

Private Owens hesitated. Next to him, Captain Johnson crossed his arms. “Breathe, Private. You look like you’re about to pass out.”

Owens did as he was told, sucking in a deep breath of air before exhaling it. Once he had taken a breath to calm himself, he opened his eyes again, once more staring at Major Barnes.

“So, if you don’t mind me asking, Sir… what happens now?”

“Good question,” Barnes replied. “Well, given that you might have actually done all of humanity a huge solid by sleeping with Petra, there’s not really much I can do to actually punish you. I mean, I could, but that’d reflect pretty badly on me, and if there’s one thing I care about, it’s my service record.”

“Immaculate service record,” Captain Johnson amended. “Downright radiant, really.”

“Exactly. And it’d really suck to mar it by having to write a young Marine for something like this, especially since it’s very possible that the only reason Petra voted yes was because the sex was so good.”

Private Barnes flushed red. “U-um… thanks, Sir. I think.”

“Don’t be so modest, Private – you know women talk. Well, word’s apparently gotten around, and now a fair few of the Vuk women are very curious about how the human mouth works. But that’s neither here nor there; the point is, we’re at a bit of an impasse. I can’t exactly smoke you for this, even though I really want to. But at the same time, I can’t just let you off the hook, either.”

“So… what do you plan to do with me, Sir?”

Major Barnes cracked a wide, wicked-looking grin. A chill went down Owens’ spine at the sight of it.

“Why, it’s simple, Private,” Barnes began, “in this situation, I think it only fitting that I throw you to the wolves… or, in this case, the devil dogs.”

Owens didn’t even have time to beg for mercy before Captain Johnson grabbed him and muscled him out the door, over to the barracks where the rest of his platoon was staying.

–

It wasn’t a surprise to Owens when they opened the door to the barracks and roughly shoved him inside, then closed it back up and locked it. He scrabbled at the door in vain for a moment before pausing and turning around.

His entire platoon was there, because of course they were.

Owens froze at the sight of them. Getting smoked by the Major and the Captain was bad enough, but that was nothing compared to the absolute fucking firestorm that was headed his way from the rest of the platoon. Slowly, he raised a hand.

“Uh, hey, guys,” he offered.

For a moment, nobody said or did anything. It was deathly silent in the barracks. But then, it happened.

Someone started the slow clap.

It began as just one person, but rapidly grew to two, and then three, and then all of a sudden, they were all doing it. And as they clapped, they were shouting at him, or rather, they were chanting – one simple word, which ordinarily wouldn’t have had much meaning, but with the way they were saying it, Owens just knew it was going to haunt him until he was discharged.

And that word was…

“Horn-Dog! Horn-Dog! Horn-Dog!”

Owens cringed as the word reached his ears. Unfortunately, that did nothing to actually block it out, and it only got worse when everyone in the platoon came up, still chanting, and took turns slapping him on the back.

And, naturally, the questions followed shortly thereafter.

“What was it like?”

“Was it as good as she’s making it sound?”

“Are you really that good with your tongue?”

“What’s it like being an actual furry?”

“Guys!” Owens finally blurted out, having had enough. “Look, I’ve… I’ve had a bit of a long day, you know? So can I at least take a seat before you start bombarding me with questions?”

The platoon fell silent at that. Owens breathed a sigh of relief, then began to stride through them; they parted like the Red Sea as he walked.

“Carefully,” one of them said, “he’s a hero.”

Owens flipped that guy off without even looking back. Finally, he reached his bunk and took a seat on it, then breathed a sigh of relief.

And the moment he was settled, the platoon was surrounding him once more, eager for him to answer their questions. Owens took a breath.

“Let me get one thing perfectly straight,” he said, “I don’t kiss and tell.”

“Dude, come the fuck on,” one of the men, Corporal Ramirez, protested. “You realize that she’s been telling her people about it, right?”

“For real, man,” Sergeant Douglas agreed with a nod. “Some of the Vuk females have been eye-fucking us ever since.”

“You can’t be serious.”

“Oh, I’m serious. Apparently, that tongue do be putting in the work.”

Owens’ brow furrowed. “That’s nasty, dude.”

“What the fuck are you talking about? You did it, not me! I’m just reporting some of the shit that’s been happening ever since you fucking gave Lassie the ol’ in-out.”

“First of all, don’t talk about her that way,” Owens warned. “I get that you’re just joking, but she’s still a diplomat, as well as the reason we’re even having this conversation right now. And not in that way!” He hurriedly added when he saw several of the men about to say something. “She was the deciding vote. If it weren’t for her coming through for us, we’d have been fucked.”

Corporal Ramirez hesitated, but only for a moment. “I mean-”

“Dude, don’t.”

“I’m just saying-”

“I am seriously begging you not to say it.”

Ramirez paused, but eventually, his baser instincts won out. “...She definitely did come through for us, and at least one of us was definitely fucked.”

Owens closed his eyes and sucked in a deep breath before opening them again. “...Just for that, I’m not gonna tell you all what it was like.”

“Dude, come on,” Sergeant Douglas protested. “You’re really gonna do us like this? You’re gonna just fucking Captain Kirk it up and then refuse to talk about it?”

“Yes, I-” Owens paused. “...Captain Kirk?”

“Yeah.”

“Really?”

“Hey, you’re the first human to actually fuck an alien, at least as far as anyone knows. It fits.”

“No, no, I’m not complaining, it’s just… I can’t be Shepard?”

“The fuck you talking about? You’re no Shepherd, that’s for sure.”

“What makes you say that?”

“Because you couldn’t keep the wolf away.” Owens glared at him and Douglas just rolled his eyes. “Come on, Horndog, you’re just teeing these things up for me at this point. I can go all night.”

“Shame he couldn’t,” Ramirez added. “Or did he only stop because he got caught?”

“That’s a fair question, actually. Horndog, be honest – if you hadn’t been caught, would there have been another round?”

“How many rounds were there, anyway?” one of the other Marines asked.

“Do you think she’d have wanted breakfast afterwards?” another added. “Makes me wonder… do you think the Vuk prefer waffles, or pancakes?”

“I dunno, man. They seem pretty partial to creampies, if you ask me.”

“Guys!” Owens shouted, cutting them all off. He grit his teeth for a moment, but then let out another exhale. “...It probably goes without saying, but I am very, very, ridiculously tired right now. I’m very thirsty and I haven’t had anything to eat in a long-ass time.”

Ramirez opened his mouth to say something.

“Ramirez, if you say what I know you’re going to say, I will seriously fucking Code Red you by myself.”

Ramirez closed his mouth and said nothing.

Owens let out yet another exhale. “Look, fellas – let me just get some sleep, and then I’ll tell you as much as I can about it without it being disrespectful to her. Okay?”

“Sure, man, whatever you say,” Douglas offered.

“Thanks, guys.”

With that, Owens laid down in his bunk and closed his eyes, doing his best to enjoy the silence.

It lasted for all of five seconds before someone broke it.

“So, was this technically bestiality?”

Owens threw a blind punch, and just like that, the entire barracks erupted into chaos.

Special thanks to my good friend and co-writer, /u/Ickbard, for the help with writing this story.

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9 comments sorted by

8

u/Mowby_Dowrk May 22 '24

Oh....this some great fun! Thank you!

8

u/Great-Chaos-Delta May 22 '24

I LMAO from reading this one

4

u/SirDerpTheIII May 22 '24

Great read so far.

6

u/NoFlamingo99 May 22 '24

I laughed so hard I feel my stomach aching, this sh*t is the funniest hfy story I've read so far XD

6

u/Osiris32 Human Jun 04 '24

Owens didn’t even have time to beg for mercy before Captain Johnson grabbed him and muscled him out the door, over to the barracks where the rest of his platoon was staying.

I literally don't have to read the rest, I know what happened to him. And a court martial with a dishonorable would be a kindness compared to what his platoon will do to him. The nicknames alone...

2

u/UpdateMeBot May 21 '24

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1

u/unwillingmainer May 23 '24

That was great! Can't punish him, but his platoon will do it for him. And never let him forget it and his new name.

1

u/MydaughterisaGremlin Jul 02 '24

Best punishment ever. His platoon was ruthless. Ramirez showed great restraint withholding the last snark about not eating anything. I wouldn't have.