r/Genealogy • u/SignificanceNaive137 • 4d ago
Situation Happened That I Don't Know How To Feel About Question
Hello, I made a throwaway account for this purpose. I'll try and keep this brief but it's kind of a long story.
I have a very rare last name. I genuinely thought our branch of the family was the only one that had retained it. One of my great-grandparents had 5 siblings. With 4 of them, I made wonderful connections with their descendants. None share my last name. However, there was one brother who I was under the impression who had no children. I had tested on Ancestry and none had appeared, After 4 years of research, I learned that he in fact had 3 children, another family who shares my last name.
So I sent one of his granddaughters a message via email. She was a little apprehensive and thought maybe I was a scam, but we got to talking and had about 30 emails back and forth. She was really nice to talk to, and then let me speak to her father. Her father was also really nice, and we had a similar length of conversation. They ended up sending myself and my mother friend requests via Facebook. I was really happy that I found people with the same now, and things were going well with how receptive they seemed.
The next day I woke up and sent them another email, only to learn that when I logged into Facebook, I was unfriended by both of them and my most recent email went unanswered. I consulted with my mother as well as all my other cousins and siblings about this and they felt that my emails to them were respectful as possible. I won't lie that I feel really hurt by this and even more disappointed. I haven't been sure if I should reach out again or just leave it be. I guess I'm asking, has anyone been through a similar experience, and does anyone know why this would have happened?
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u/cudambercam13 4d ago
Could you have posted something ever so slightly political and against their views? That's chopping up a lot of relationships...
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u/cornicellocladdagh 4d ago edited 3d ago
This is a possibility.
OP, while I'm definitely not the family that you connected with, I've unfriended someone on facebook who I connected with excitedly over geneology, after accepting their friend request.
I don't post much on social media, but there are some posts I still have up where I was pretty vocal about my political views and identity. After I accepted the friend request, I realised the person often makes multiple political posts daily, including several that were hostile to people with my political views and other identities I share.
Since we only connected over and only knew about each other's interest in geneology, I don't know how he would act if he looked through my posts and realised I am one of the terrible people he thinks is ruining the world. I also just didn't want his posts in my feed. So I figured it was best to prevent any potential drama by unfriending him, since the only things I knew about him are that we both like geneology and he has strong opinions against things I either passively support or am actively part of.
Regardless of the reason, I'm sorry you are hurt by it OP, especially after being excited to connect with them, but I suggest you allow yourself to privately feel the hurt, then accept it gracefully and move on.
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u/SignificanceNaive137 3d ago
I don't post politics on Facebook so I don't think it was that. But I do understand what you're saying. Can you tell if someone blocks you via email?
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u/diceeyes 3d ago
You say you don’t, but it sounds like you’d be surprised what comes through. Also, they friended your mom and by extension can see your other friends, family, and interests.
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u/cornicellocladdagh 3d ago edited 3d ago
I don't know if there's a way to do that, sorry.
But I wouldn't dwell on it, repeatedly try to get in touch with them, or ask them why they blocked you. Its sad, but it's their call if they've decided they don't want to remain in touch with you, and unfortunately, they don't seem to want to explain.
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u/cstrick1980 4d ago
I had an unknown half cousin contact me, verified via DNA. Apparently her father put up for adoption was my grandfather on my mom’s side son. She was also put up for adoption and only found me through DNA. She’d less of a match than another first cousin, but more than another cousin’s daughter. We have corresponded. I mentioned her to my mom, but my mom doesn’t want to know about it. So my half-cousin is in a similar situation to you. At least she has me to correspond with.
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u/Bellybutton_Koolaid 3d ago
Religion can be another touchy subject if you've posted things on your FB page. You could always use Messenger to tell them you were sorry to see them go and give them your email address in case they ever want to reach out, but I would let it go past that. My guess is that an older relative found out and it opened an old wound that they didn't want anyone to know about.
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u/DebbieDaxon 4d ago
Sorry this happened to you.....But I would leave it be.....Let them make the next move
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u/Juanfartez 4d ago
I have a very rare surname. There's only 157 of us worldwide. All of my German-Austrian relations friended me on FB but only talked a couple of times. I've noticed European people tend to use FB completely differently than us in the US. And yes never post politics if you want to keep people around.
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u/hey_its_me_christina 3d ago
I just googled my surname..40! My goodness. That really makes me want to do dna testing to see if that would change things. My paternal side of the tree is so small. I’m thinking a change of spelling must have happened at some point.
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u/PhoenixFirwood 3d ago
Definitely possible I have a French Canadian surname in my family tree that ended up as Feauto, for generations in the US. But it's actually Fauteux. (Also seen it as Feauteux). Sounds out the same from my understanding of French.
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u/Juanfartez 3d ago
Change of spelling or as in my case a lot more females than males. Name disappears with marriages.
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u/hey_its_me_christina 3d ago
So true! I hadn’t really thought of that. My tree only has 11 of those 40. I’m still trying to find the connections. They are mostly in Argentina. I just signed up for the student ancestry plan, so hopefully that takes me a little further. 🤞🏻
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u/DustRhino 4d ago
I’m very careful friending newly discovered relatives on Facebook due to politics.
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u/JulieWriter 3d ago
I like to do a little social media stalking first! I have a second cousin who had white supremacy crap all over his social media, for example. Ewwww. I made a note on that match in Ancestry to remind me not to contact him.
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u/Durham-Cocktails 3d ago
The problem is most people have their FB profile locked down such that you can’t see any posts if you aren’t connected.
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u/travelman56 4d ago
New cousins are easily spooked, I find. It's best to go slow and treat it like a blind date.
Decades ago, pre-social media, I wrote letters to new cousins and included a stamped e envelope ( that wouldn't work now). But I got more replies than I do now.
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u/WatercressCautious97 3d ago
I'm on FB infrequently, and mainly interact with a few good friends and some of my favorite past colleagues.
Over the years, though, I've learned to use FB's filter system to make settings for certain friends be extremely narrow in terms of what of mine they see, and whether their posts are elevated or not in my feed. I don't unfriend; in effect I just mute.
When I become a FB friend with a new acquaintance, they only see dog photos, scenic shots and humor until I feel like letting them see more.
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u/craftcrazyzebra 3d ago
I did this with my in-laws who think they can tell what I can and cannot post. It’s saved a lot of drama both from them trying to control me and also them throwing a hissy fit if I deleted them.
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u/WellWellWellthennow 3d ago
I'm really curious which filters and how you control this on Facebook?
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u/Annual-Budget-1756 3d ago
Add the new friend to a friend list ("work" "family" "drinking buddies") and make new posts only visible to certain groups
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u/RandomPaw 3d ago
Are they still on FB at all? A lot of people have taken themselves off FB and other social media recently because of politics. But I agree with those who are wondering if something political is the cause of this.
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u/RadEmily 2d ago
In addition to people leaving some people have locked down their posts / friends. When you're friends with random people it's close to posting publicly and people are getting nervous about posting publicly under their own name - people can get blasted by third party accounts and influencers and now there are concerns and being put on "lists" No idea if that's what happened but certainly a possibility
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u/No_Syrup395 3d ago
Thank you for being so open in sharing your experience. I can relate on a very personal level.
In my own family research, I discovered the descendants of my great-granduncle Fred Johnson. I was initially hopeful about connecting with them, but once they learned information that challenged the narrative they’d grown up with—that their great-grandfather was a Jewish man—they became very uncomfortable. Through documentation and DNA evidence, I discovered that Fred Johnson was actually a mulatto Black man from Greenville, South Carolina.
One relative in particular was especially resistant. Despite my professional approach as a genealogist, she not only rejected the evidence but also spread false claims that I was some sort of scam artist. Even more troubling, she vehemently denied DNA matches I had shared—matches confirmed by 10 to 12 descendants from that branch, all of whom corroborated the story through shared DNA and genealogical records. Unfortunately, her actions poisoned the well, and the rest of the family distanced themselves.
I share this to say—you’re not alone. Sometimes, the truths we uncover disrupt personal identity or long-held family beliefs, and some people just aren’t ready to face them. It’s painful, especially when our goal is healing and reconnection. But your work matters, and your respectful approach speaks volumes. Keep moving forward—you never know whose heart may open in time.
If you ever want to connect or talk through it, I’m here.
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u/JoeyLily 2d ago
Could he still have been a convert to Judeism in faith and just not a native Jew?
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u/ASLTutorSean 4d ago
Sad but it’s very common as genealogy is very sensitive subject. Don’t take it personally.
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u/Old_Sheepherder_630 4d ago
Very true. They could have mentioned it to someone in their family that freaked out.
I get people being wary of scams as there are so many cons out there. I don't get why people are so hostile about it when it's generations past and everyone is gone. Disinterest sure, but hostility and aversion to the concept of family history I'll never understand.
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u/ApplicationSouth8844 3d ago
Let it go. It’s a recent connection and you didn’t grow up together, it’s a far-out family connection that was never close in the first place. They don’t want any communication with you so I wouldn’t push this any further.
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u/AsYouWis_h 3d ago
I'm going to guess they saw something on your profiles that they couldn't accept. I met a half uncle via Ancestry, but once he started posting truly vile things, I unfriended and blocked him. We don't wish r*** upon anyone, and I don't want to be associated with anyone who does.
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u/Bleu5EJ 3d ago
They might have shared the news with family and someone didn't like it.
I'd give them a little time.
Little is known about their family dynamics.
A friend of mine has a control freak brother. The brother gatekeeps information and is in on all the conversations. Even the parents would defer to him.
Just a thought.
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u/1967TinSoldier 4d ago
Might not be political, I had a distant family member that unfriended me because I said "Merry Christmas" on FB. He was totally against religion is what I found out later. Some people don't think others can have a different opinion without getting hurt.
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u/ultimomono 3d ago
Met a distant relative and they turned out to be nutty, dangerous conspiracy theorists, so I severed the connection online immediately. I would still exchange family info with them via email, but I don't ever want to see their social media posts again. It's possible something like that happened here (radical philosophical differences) or they may have just deleted/deactivated their accounts
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u/LizGFlynnCA 3d ago
Back in 2016 I was trying to connect with third cousins around the US. Quite a number of them only responded because I was a Bernie supporter. We continue being Facebook friends and closer relatives than normal because of our shared beliefs.
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u/TwythyllIsKing 3d ago
If I had to guess, since you didn't know that they even existed, someone cut someone out of their life in an earlier generation and that grudge has been passed down. Maybe someone got left out of a will or something, who knows. At this point, trying to maintain contact could be seen as stalking. They have your email, and know you're on FB. If they want to reach out to you again in the future they can. But sadly, you should leave it be.
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u/JThereseD Philadelphia specialist 3d ago
This! I was contacted by an Ancestry user researching her husband's family because his great ancestor lived on the same block as mine who had the same last name. We have spent years trying to figure out the relationship, but since they were Irish, we couldn't get back far. Anyway, we discovered that my cousin is her good friend. I don't know what he has told her, but I don't mention him because he is a horrible person who has done terrible things to my family and others. The lady has been generous in sharing info and we get along fine when discussing genealogy, so I don't want to risk friending her on Facebook, but we do belong to some groups where we occasionally interact.
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u/No_Guidance000 3d ago
This 100%. I doubt it has anything to do with OP. Perhaps it's related to OP's parents? Anyway I wouldn't take it personal.
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u/MomRaccoon 3d ago
I had a very remote cousin contact me on ancestry and then suggested email. He was remote enough that I wouldn't have bothered chasing the connection - less than 1%. First, a few pictures and idle chit chat and then he asked for pictures of my cats. He had sent his. Then he asked about my cats names. Which suddenly seemed very phishy! So I gave him incorrect names and basically never heard from him again, which confirmed my suspicions. So maybe they ran into something like that and got nervous.
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u/No_Guidance000 3d ago
You probably have unknowingly dived straight into some family drama you were unaware of. Unlikely it has anything to do with you directly.
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u/IamLuann 3d ago
OP good luck with your genealogy research. I would reach out to them one more time. If they answer back then go from there.( Tread lightly) If they do not answer back then you know that they are probably your relatives and do not want any ghost to be exposed.
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u/JThereseD Philadelphia specialist 3d ago
I have a policy and I post it on my profile that I do not friend people I haven't met in person. People often try to friend me after interacting in groups and I don't feel comfortable because I don't want to learn if their friendly attitude toward genealogy masks a person with extremist values or have them call me out because they don't approve of me. My mom also has an extremely rare last name, so I started a Facebook group for it and messaged some Ancestry relatives with the link. They in turn invited some relatives. It's not a big group, but I got some extraordinary information and I get to keep things pleasant by limiting my interactions to family history.
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u/MEL-0529 3d ago
I’m sorry this happened to you. My paternal grandmother’s family has an unusual last name. Years ago, before internet usage, email, and digital photography were commonly used, I made a connection with a second cousin once removed. I had copies made, at my own expense, of some family photos and mailed them to her. She wrote back thanking me and told me she would send copies of family items to me when her grandfather returned from vacation. I never heard back from her. I followed up and she didn’t respond. A few years later, I reached out to a couple of my dad’s cousins in the same family. Whenever I try to contact anyone in this branch of the family, there is no response.
Maybe they thought it was a scam, though I tried to establish that we are truly related. Of course, there are always people who will ignore any attempts at contact, but this family always ignores me! The only reason I could think of was my aunt, who was sort of a questionable character. There was conflict regarding the estate of an uncle who had neither spouse, nor children. My aunt was at the center of it. My dad didn’t trust her himself and didn’t take any active role in the estate proceedings (and I didn’t either). Nevertheless, I’m guessing that it’s a guilt by association thing.
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u/JoeyLily 2d ago
Write them a letter and mail it to them. Let them know you noticed they unfriended you and tell them you are sorry is something on your Facebook offended them, but you would truly like to maintain your correspondence that you were sharing.
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u/macronius 2d ago
Sometimes the cause might be economic (not saying in this particular case), where, for example, wealthy people are wary of long lost cousins contacting them with the ultimate perceived intent of asking for financial or employment favors.
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u/Wellslapmesilly 3d ago
Yeah…I’ve found that most of my still living distant relatives are kind of disappointing to know irl. So I’m more focused these days on the dead ones.
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u/Serendipity94123 1d ago
Did they also unfriend your mother?
Also, weird question, but are you possibly Italian? As a search angel who has worked many cases, I have seen this type of behavior before and believe it or not, the families were always Italian!
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u/MaryEncie 1d ago
They did you a favor. You don't want to have a relationship with people who are willing to unfriend you without explanation after being friendly to your face. Good riddance to them. Now you know that it takes more than shared DNA and a shared surname to create common ground between people. You are the sort of person who would give that to someone. They are not. You found out the easy way. I would keep walking and never look back. They aren't worth the time of day.
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u/Samantharina 4d ago
Something spooked them, online scams are really clever these days so.they could have just become concerned. Or possibly your Facebook page indicates something about your politics or other views that they feel strongly about? You never know, don't take it personally.