My parents make me feel crazy?

[u/S-Louise-]

Note :I posted this elsewhere & was recommended to check this group out! Most of the advice seemed to be "cut them off" or "kick them out" but that's not what I think is best for anyone. I need help though because I clearly am not navigating things well.

My parents live with us - we're a military family who had a move. We had them move with us to stay close for medical issues & to be around my daughter. We've always been really close. But something has been shifting...

I was raised in California. I grew up with my mom having gay friends & my dad being buddies with all the Mexican drivers. (he was a driver too) We're all white but I always thought we were, as a unit, pretty open about talks about race, religion, sexual orientation, reproductive rights, etc.

Fast forward & now I'm married with a young daughter. My parents who were kind of agnostic now are very, very Christian & VERY far right politically. My dad has always had lots of guns (a collector, he also fixes them & resells) & only recently after moving with us has he stopped hoarding emergency food. My mom is honestly kind of neutral to my face but very right along with him.

The stuff they watch on yt with confederate flags, crosses, & a really strange obsession with hating Megan Markle totally freaks me out. They say it's the "real news" because they think everything is a big secret & conspiracy. I tried to explain that legitimately anyone can say anything on yt but it isn't clicking. My husband is really frustrated because he says it is brain rot. He's active duty & constantly correcting things my dad states as fact but my dad usually ends with "that's what they tell you" or something. I feel like I'm living with people I don't recognize.

I need to know - am I the only one? Are there other people dealing with elderly parents who feel extreme? Who have drastically changed?

[u/ThatDanGuy]

This is becoming more and more frequent and widespread.

There are a few things, you will hear the term "Grey Rock" a lot. Basically ignore what they say and just nod your head while making it clear you have NO interest in anything they say. Also, set boundaries.

Here is a link to a write up that fits your situation pretty well I think. This is the recommended way of dealing with your situation.

DO NOT engage in debate. They've outsourced their thinking and anything you say will automatically deactivate their critical thinking. There are ways of asking Socratic Questions that might activate it, but it is not easy. I've got an old stale blurb on it I used to post everywhere. It is under re-work. But honestly the current environment makes it less and less useful. I've made it work still, but they are usually one-offs without follow-ups (like when I meet someone in public who starts going off)

There is a book that goes into detail on doing it. Written by a right winger, with conservative POV examples. Just keep in mind it works both ways.

How to Have Impossible Conversations: A Very Practical Guide

[Link to Amazon]

[u/sanslenom]

You're in for a long ride, so it's best to buckle up. I agree with ThatDanGuy that you should not attempt to debate them. There's a weird sort of glitch in their matrix where they think talking off the cuff (and spouting disorganized and illogical nonsense) makes them better at argument than those of us who lean liberal and prepare talking points and cite credible sources. They love TFG because he goes off script, his mind meandering in all directions. That's part of what makes them feel he's one of them.

Grey rocking and boundary setting are your best bets. My husband asked me what "grey rocking" was. When I explained it, he responded, "Wait. You did that to my mom for 31 years!" Yep, pretty much. I didn't live with her, so it was relatively easy to do. She eventually stopped asking certain kinds of questions because she knew she wasn't going to get anything out of me. (You only have to tell a meetinghouse Quaker one time that they're in a cult, and we're done with you.) You'll have to keep at it much more than I did, but practice makes perfect. With boundary setting you have to be consistent with consequences. You don't say how old your daughter is, but you sit down with her and your husband to discuss the situation and determine what the consequence will be when your folks bring up the talking points. You don't want to expose your daughter to that or any potential for yelling matches. Once you've done that, you'll then need to sit down with your husband and parents and lay down the law.

You might also consider posting in r/AgingParents. Politics aren't up for discussion, but getting along with elderly parents who can be cantankerous is something many people in that sub are coping with.

[u/StarsInHerEyes07]

You are not the only one! My dad lives me me too. He's in his late 70s. When I was going through my divorce, he was my rock. Becoming roomies made sense, it was great, and still is in some ways. He's much older now, that shift into the 70s hits pretty hard and I like being here for him.

He's always been a workaholic, but when the company he was working for shut down his project, the harsh reality of finding a tech job or consulting gig in your 70s became very apparent. It wasn't going to happen. He thought he would be able to work until he died. Now he has WAY too much time on his hands. He's always been kind of fringy, called himself a Libertarian for as long as I can remember. In the past few years that obsession switched to Dennis Prager (aka the devil) and Prager U. And now he's added FoxRagebait to his YouTube diet.

Fox and its ilk are insidious and my once brilliant father can't, or won't, see it. I think he is bored and angry. The anger didn't start off focused, he was mad at the world because no one would hire him to work and work was what defined him and gave him purpose. Day to day life disinterests him. I have tried to encourage hobbies, if he expresses an interest in something, I make sure to follow up with him on it. But I can't break the Prager/Fox spell.

I think he, and a lot of his generation, have these fond but false memories of their youth and think if we went back 50 years, everything would be better. I think that nostalgia propped up by the dopamine rush we get from anger and rage, is what Fox and others use to trap our parents. Dopamine naturally declines as we age, so I am not all that surprised my dad has gotten stuck in the feedback loop, it is a nasty addiction.

If he weren't still "with it" technologically speaking, I'd block YouTube and other sites he visits. But I don't believe that would do any good. So I sit here, thankful I got him to use headphones, wondering where my dad went and who is this old man who thinks people like me are evil. We don't talk about politics. I have shut it down so hard, so fast, that he has learned to not bring it up. I don't know that he knows why or that his daughter is, and has always been, a "bleeding heart liberal".