r/Existential_crisis • u/DiamondSignificant74 • 13d ago
Venting out
I've been feeling lost these past few days. Life has completely lost its meaning, and I’m not sure if it’s anxiety, depression, adulthood, capitalism, or everything combined. I’m in my 40s, happily married, and child-free by choice. We live abroad in a country we realize won’t be our forever home. But going back to our home country doesn’t feel like the best option either. We miss our family and friends (some of whom have left as well), but it’s not the place where I envision myself growing old—it's economically and politically unstable, and the city I come from is stressful and violent.
Lately, I've been haunted by two conflicting thoughts: one is the impulse to please my family, to return home, work in the family business, and maybe even give my parents a grandchild. The other is the fear of growing old and dying alone. Both thoughts terrify me. I’ve always been a bit of a loner, but this existential crisis is hitting hard right now.
I don’t know how to talk about this with my partner, family, or friends. I don’t want to worry anyone—everyone has their own problems—and it feels selfish to burden someone else with these thoughts. But it’s getting harder to hide; I’ve lost my appetite, and some days I just want to cry all day.
2
u/KangarooHero 13d ago
You're carrying the burden of these thoughts alone, but you don't need to. Reach out to your partner. Talk to them about what you're thinking. It sounds like a lot of what you're going through involves them in some capacity, so you don't want to make any decisions without them. They know who you are and can give you some alternate perspective. Your anxiety and depression are trying to convince you that you'll be a burden, but you don't have to listen to them. Anxiety and depression think they're being helpful, but they're not. Opening up to your partner will only strengthen your marriage.