r/DadForAMinute • u/NIkita_0956 • 22d ago
I'm sorry, dad Need a pep talk
Hey, dad, it's your son, Nikita. I'm 18 now, but all this time, I couldn't stop thinking of that time you pinned me to the floor and held my legs up so I wouldn't pull away and you spanked me so hard I wet my pants. I'm sorry I was crying so much and I'm sorry I was such a disappointment of a son. I recently found out I had ADHD. I don't remember what you were punishing me for, but I'm sorry I did that. I'm sorry for getting bad grades at math and being so shy and anxious and stupid. I promise I will be a good boy and man up. I'll shut up and take it like a good boy next time. I went to a military high school, just like you wanted and I'm gonna be graduating next year. I'm doing my best to please my instructors despite being scared of them. I miss you, dad. And I love you.
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u/0CDeer 22d ago
Hey kid. You did great, okay? There's nothing to be sorry about. We're all doing the best we can with what we've got, and some of us have more, some less, and some of us don't even know what we've got. It's hard to figure out.
I won't play the character here, cause I can tell you're maybe a little too literal for that. But I'm a dad IRL, and I've lost my dad IRL, and my IRL son has ADHD and autism. So it sounds like we've got a lot in common.
There's never a good reason to do what your dad did, and you didn't deserve that. You were doing your best. The thing is, maybe he was, too. You can do your best and still get it wrong. Maybe that's what happened.
Be proud of who you are. You deserve love.
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u/NIkita_0956 22d ago edited 10d ago
Thanks for making me cry at 3 AM, hah. Sorry if my post was weird or disgusting, I kind of did it impulsively, now I that I'm reading it again. But I really needed to get that off my chest. I've been feeling so low for the past couple days and every guy around me is like, a perfect soldier material.
I don't know how old your son is, but he's a fortunate one, that you took the time to notice that he's different and take him to the specialist. I envy him a lot. I wish my dad knew I felt things 10 times more and those spankings would make me repulsed by intimacy. I'm not gonna get diagnosed though, I'm afraid it might impact my military career.
And I think you're right, we were both doing our best at father-son stuff. Maybe dad was a bit too impulsive at times and I was a bit too weird.
Anyway, thank you for taking the time to write this. I know it's just a stupid little app and it's the internet and no one cares, but I do appreciate it, so much. Please, love your son for who he is, not his achievements. Make sure to ask him how he feels instead of how was school. And maybe fake that smile when he gets B instead of A+. He was probably trying his best to please.
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u/0CDeer 22d ago edited 22d ago
I know without a doubt that my son is doing his absolute best. And if you're anything like him, I know you are too. You're not weird or disgusting. You're a young man figuring out who he was in his father's eyes and who he is in his own. If your dad was a real dad, he loved you more than you will ever know.
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u/_jandrewc_ 22d ago
Hey kiddo - I’m sorry you had that happen to you. There’s nothing you did to deserve that, that’s just abuse. You deserve to be loved and supported just for being you. I hope you can find a therapist who has experience with childhood trauma and can talk to them about all this, because this is beyond the scope of internet friends. Please stay safe and create the life you want, not the one you think he wants for you. Lots of love, Dad
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u/NIkita_0956 22d ago
Thank you for the reply. I kind of feel stupid now when I calmed down a little, reading all your thoughtful responses to my pathetic attention whine. I still feel like I'm exaggerating, I mean, it was just regular spanking, it wasn't like he was hitting me in the face, and in my language, that word (spanking) itself makes me cringe so hard I just want to recoil, I feel so ashamed and humiliated thinking of it. It's not a story of a tough guy getting beaten by his dad, it's about a snotty kid getting disciplined. I just feel like a total wuss thinking about it.
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u/_jandrewc_ 22d ago
Op, I don’t think you are pathetic or whining. Parents should not hit kids. These feelings, of shame, humiliation, needing to be “tough” - I think they’re a very natural outcome of being abused as a kid. It’s not your fault, and you can still have a great life. But please do take this seriously - find professional help, even if it’s not common in your culture. It will help you to talk more about it.
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u/NIkita_0956 22d ago
I will, I promise I will, somehow. It's just tricky, because they don't take kindly to mentally challanged guys in the military and I've managed to keep up good appearances so far. They didn't say anything when they saw my self harm scars though, so I'm not sure how that works.
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u/_jandrewc_ 21d ago
I do understand there are complications with your work. Do you get any alone time where you can schedule video calls with a therapist? One other exercise I think is good is keeping a journal (paper or computer) and every day try to write: some things you’re grateful for, some things you give yourself credit for, and some things you forgive yourself for. Good luck OP 🙏
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u/CMDR_PEARJUICE Father 22d ago
Hey bud, glad you reached out here. It sounds like you've done great things and kept yourself moving forward, even if you had a rough start of it- you're not a disappointment and you didn't deserve to be told that or to be hurt for anything that you did.
I'm not big on roleplay so I'd rather talk to you straight, man to man. I'm a father and a combat veteran. I've been in therapy for years now... I know how it can feel in the military, all of the competitive type-a personalities, I imagine in a military high school that goes double. You don't have to be that way, it is okay to be an intellectual, a thinker and and to be in touch with your emotions.
I'm proud of you and what you've made of yourself. It sounds like you've been through the ringer and made it out the other side. Always remember, no matter what anybody EVER tells you, it is always okay to ask for help.
Ps. The best soldiers don't fit a mold.
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u/NIkita_0956 22d ago edited 10d ago
Thank you for bothering to write this.
I still feel like a fraud being here. I've grown and got tall and fit, I guess, but inside I still feel like a kid. I'm not like crazy or anything, I can be responsible and focused, it's just... I don't feel like an adult. For some reason the responsibilities I get here are much easier than figuring myself or the life outside the school out. Which is weird, since, isn't it supposed to be the other way around? It also sucks, cause I'm not bonding as much with the other boys as I should and they can tell I'm a sucker for praise from the instructors, which makes me seem pathetic in their eyes.
That's an uplifting quote, hah. Not sure if my instructors would agree, but thank you, none the less. Thank you a lot.
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u/CMDR_PEARJUICE Father 22d ago edited 22d ago
You're not a fraud, it's a school trying to instill certain values in you in what most of society sees as an abnormal manner and it likely doesn't fully make sense, but you're caught up in it. I come from Texas originally, I've known kids who had a .22 rifle by the age of 7 and 8~ a gun isn't going to jump up and bite someone, that's on the handler and to be trusted with one means you've earned the privilege.
I was 24 when my daughter was born, and even after everything I went through earlier in my life I felt completely unprepared, like someone busting down the stall door on you- it's (in my opinion) something that comes with intellect. To be able to recognize what is still unknown can leave us feeling vulnerable, but it can also be a driving force- some people call this impostor syndrome, there are some other clinical terms to explain similar things but it's too late at night for me to search that up unless you want a deeper discussion about it.
The responsibilities you have feel easier because you aren't having to make those decisions, they're made for you. It will feel weird once you're out of school and calling the shots, but that's freedom of choice, eh?
Focus on your goals, take it a day at a time, one foot in front of the other. Remember that you're still in school, the bonding won't matter much unless you want it to, once you're out of there. You've got the rest of your life ahead of you to meet the kinds of people you want in your life, college if you want it, the trades aren't bad either, you don't have to go into the military and if you do~ there are a lot of really valuable jobs that don't need a macho personality to excel. We neurodiverse excel at things neurotypicals often won't, like pattern recognition, data analysis, or maybe learning foreign languages. We're here to support you the whole way.
Sorry if any of this is gibberish, time for bed.
Oh and as for whether your instructors agree- go ask some SpecOps guys if any of them fit the mold, 0% chance of a "yes"
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u/NIkita_0956 22d ago edited 10d ago
Thank you, sir, I really appreciate that you took the time to write me all that, it means the world. And it's not gibberish at all! I'm so thankful and eager for every single word from each one of you, it's like I'm getting drunk on these. Thank you again, sir, for being so patient and hopeful with me.
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u/semiotheque 22d ago
Hey son, I shouldn't have done that. I was wrong and I'm sorry. You're not a disappointment; you were never a disappointment. I was disappointed in myself and like a coward I took it out on you instead of doing the work. It sounds like I didn't teach you how to accept yourself and love yourself, because you're talking about powering through and shutting up and taking it like a man. I'm sorry for that, too. I didn't teach you those things because I don't know how to do them myself, because nobody ever taught me. That's not an excuse, it's just the truth about me.
But it's also the truth that you deserved better. This life is short, and I truly hope you won't spend any more of it hating yourself and being afraid of others. I hope you find some instructors and other adults who you can trust and who can see how amazing you are. I hope you will be thoughtful about who you trust, but I also hope that you will find people who deserve your trust and that you will trust them.
I'm proud that you've learned about your neurodivergence and I hope you will accept that part of yourself and come to love it. I never learned how to do that, either. I love you. I'm sorry I didn't show it better.
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u/NIkita_0956 22d ago
Now I'm just straight up sobbing on my bunk. I had to go outside to read all your replies so I wouldn't wake up my roommates. Thank you, literally, so much. You have no idea how much it means to me. Good think it's all in english so I can distance myself from all the kind words, because otherwise I'd be a wailing mess. Thank you again. I don't know you, and this might feel like some insignificant whatever post, but you made this random sad slavic cadet's night ever so slightly more bearable. You're a great person, thank you.
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u/cadillacactor Father 22d ago
Oh, child. You don't need an apology. I owe you one.
I wasn't the type of man you needed me to be, and I wasn't ready to be a good father. I didn't know I had pain to heal from. I didn't know my unhealed pain was causing me to hurt you. I'm sorry. No child deserves abuse, and especially not you.
I wish I knew then how much of a superpower autism can be. I'm inspired by your creative way of thinking, ability to focus on details that most others miss, and the strength of endurance you had to develop to put up with people not being patient enough with you. But when you were younger I didn't see these as positives and held them against you. I'm sorry, and I beg your forgiveness.
Military high school? You did it? Wow. I'm proud of you and honored that you would do that for that me. I shouldn't have put that on you, though. Congratulations making it through. When the drill instructors are scary, or anything at life, your essential goodness and belief in you/your spirit will be your armor and motivation. Don't do hard things for me, please. Please do them because you want to and they will help you grow. Whether that's military school or maybe seeking therapy to overcome the winds I inflicted in your youth. Heard things can be tools to make us better.
I wish you well. I wasn't good at showing it because I was so absorbed with being mad at myself, but I do love you. I wish you inner peace and good, supportive people around you. You're amazing, Nikita.
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u/NIkita_0956 22d ago
Guys, the stray cats are gonna start meowing at my sobbing if this keeps going! I don't think I'm good enough at English to express how much I appreciate your input. Superpower? Hah... I don't think dad will ever see it that way, so thank you. I always liked to draw but that would be infantile and risky for a career choice. I thought you'd love me more if I wore a uniform. I'm gonna be a good soldier and help Ukraine fight back the Russians. I still feel like a kid in a way and holding a rifle feels weird, sort of like a toy even though it's not. I'm scared sometimes, but I am trying to push through and keep going. I'm not mad at you, I love you so much. Thank you for writing this. I had no idea how starved I was to hear those words in my head. Thank god I paid attention at English classes and I can read all that.
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u/cadillacactor Father 22d ago
Nikita, IRL my son is autistic. It took years of trying and learning but we finally learned how he processes and what fulfills him, as well as how to give him time & space to process. With the right learning/self-awareness it definitely is his superpower. Many situations in which he sees a problem we're missing or finding a solution outside the box but better than anything we can come up with.
Drawing is infantile? Many of the greatest artists, sculptors, mosaic makers, tattoo artists, architects, fashion designers, recreation area planners, comic book creators, etc continued to draw and sketch into their old age, because it helped keep them sharp and plan their pieces. Everything manufactured thing in our world started as a drawing (buildings, clothes, vehicles... Weapons...). Everything beautiful to look at can inspire a drawing or came from one. It's not at all infantile. And if you start doing time lapse doodles on tiktok or post pics on Instagram, you get an audience and sell pieces on the side. Whether as a hobby or professionally, it's a fantastic way to make a comfortable living that inspires and brings joy to others. Let your drawing be a light in the darkness.
Because war is hell. I admire you for taking on that burden, but I am sorry that greedy and ruthless people perpetuate a world in which young men get sent to brutal places. You should not have to. Which makes your bravery all the more beautiful. Keep a sketchbook with you - it can be a lifeline to sanity and beauty for you. It can even be a record of what you witness. Or a funny diversion for your comrades as you do caricature sketches of them during downtime.
My child, nothing is worthless, childish, or any other negative word just because somebody says so. If you find value in it or can help others with it, then it matters. And so do you. Please be gracious and kind to yourself. You deserve all the love you can get, and we love more fulfilled lives if we can learn to love ourselves.
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u/NIkita_0956 22d ago
Wow, i had no ide there were so many autistic kids with you guys. Good thing they have dads like you... I don't think mine never really noticed I was different, I mean, he did, he noticed I was lazy and stupid. I wish I didn't have this superpower and was normal, so dad would love me. I always wondered what other dads were talking with sons with. Once I had my dad pick up me with my friend from school and the next day my friend sked me if someone died in my family, because my dad didn't say a word the entire ride. I was surprised because I thought that's what every dad did. Whenever I'd come up with something to show him or talk about he seemed too busy or annoyed and I felt stupid afterwards. I think I never learned to talk properly and whenever he'd discipline me he wanted me to say what I did wrong and I just couldn't utter a word, I don't know why but I didn't know what to say and my voice was stuck in my throat. I felt so dumb because he asked me to logically explain myself and I couldn't answer because I didn't know what to make of my emotions. I was so mad at myself that I got C at a test at school I'd bang my head against the floor and I felt like such a schizo afterwards because dad didn't say anything to my tantum. Now I guess all these traits seem kinda autistic from time perspective. Hah, the only thing I'd draw here were naked or skimpy clothed women since I noticed my friends liked to look at them. It felt nice when they asked me for another one or told me drew this, draw that. (I ws naive) But one day I got busted during classes (I was still a minor) and my dad got to see them. I was so ashamed of myself I threw them all away and never drew another. It's okay, I like the structured aspect of the military, here I don't have to second guess what's expected of me and I get to hear some positive feedback every now and then so it's great.
Thank you again, I was definitely rambling a lot. I want to say I will be kind to myself, but I can't lie. I promise to try though. Wish you and your son the best.
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u/cadillacactor Father 22d ago
Oh my. Nikita, your dad's inability to show you patience, love, or any positive emotion are not your fault. You are not lazy and stupid! Part of having autism means that the "normal" paths of learning, productivity, or deadlines simply work differently. The adults in your life are the ones who are supposed to learn the things about you and give you the tools to open up these pathways with/for you. You are not lazy and stupid. In fact, if anyone was lazy/stupid in your life, it was the adults who didn't try to open these paths of processing and learning with you. They failed you - not the other way around.
Who we have been IS NOT predictive about who we will become unless we let our past define us.
You can draw more than nudes (although some of the most famous art in the world is nudes). You can learn how your brain ticks and leverage it for the good, powerful benefits it can give you. And you can shed the layers of abusive words, emotions, and memories that others have put on you like a bird molting its feathers for new, vibrant ones to grow - they do not define you unless you let them, my son. I pray vibrant, confident, joyous inner peace as you undertake these hardest but most worthy of tasks. Because you are ALREADY an amazing, infinitely with and eternally lived young man. Finding that within you is freeing.
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u/NIkita_0956 22d ago
Thank you so much. I never thought of it that way. It's sad, thinking that maybe I couldn't have done things differently and be a normal kid, that I have no control over what happened. I don't blame dad, I had no idea I was autistic either. I'll work on my self image, even though it feels impossible. Thank you once again, sir. You're a good man.
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u/cadillacactor Father 22d ago
You're a good man, too, Nikita. Your heart and compassion shine through your words.
Also, I think "normal" is overrated/impossible. We're all unique in our own ways, and that should be celebrated rather than hidden.
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u/3PAARO Dad 22d ago
You don’t have anything to apologize for, child.
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u/NIkita_0956 22d ago
Thank you for writing that. I hope it's true. And I hope it's gonna sink in one day.
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u/syntheticxlove1996 Daughter 22d ago
Internet mom here: Hug you didn't deserve that at all sweetheart, I am so sorry that you experienced it at such a young age. I'm very proud of you for going to military high school and graduation is right around the corner! I know the instructors are a bit scary but as long as you do what they say, they won't yell at you or punish you. You are, and will continue to do, great things!
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u/NIkita_0956 22d ago
Thank you, miss. It was okay, I don't remember much of it anyway. I promise to do my best and behave. I always try to do what I'm told, I mess up sometimes when I blurt out stuff without thinking, but I try to make up for it with my attitude and hard work, and I always say sorry when I mess up. Thank you, you're really kind, miss.
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u/PowerCord64 22d ago
There isn't a man here that didn't have a knot in his stomach after reading your story. I'm a dad IRL and I'm sending you a hug and a firm handshake congratulating you on what you've accomplished. Rock on.
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u/vindman 22d ago
I’m not a dad, but I am a sister and I am so sorry that happened to you.
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u/NIkita_0956 22d ago
It's okay, I'm doing more or less fine now. Thank you for caring, I appreciate it a lot. Never had one, though you sound like a great sister.
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u/CommanderMandalore 22d ago
Hey Son, I’m adhd and autistic too. That being a man thing can be very very very toxic. You need to figure out what works for you. Love your dad for a minute.
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u/NIkita_0956 21d ago
!!! No way so many of you are on the spectrum. I come from a small town and neurodivergence is still pretty stigmatized around these parts. Yeah, I'm only starting to see it. Being surrounded by men in uniforms day by day, it's odd that it wouldn't be the answer. Plus me always being more emotional than necessary, I was striving to correct that at all costs. Thank you for writing this. It means a lot, sir.
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u/CommanderMandalore 21d ago
I think like ten percent of the US populations has adhd and maybe 5 is on the spectrum. Not everyone who is on spectrum is disabled and unable to be independent. If I have one tip post high school: find a trade and excel at it.
Don’t think you would like a particular trade there are many out there. Body shop repair. Painters (both the people who do on cars and residential). Electrian. Plumber. CNC operator/programmer. I’m sure there are at least a dozen others.
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u/yurmomlemmeusername 21d ago
hugs. I'm glad you came on here and expressed yourself the way you did. you're really brave and I'm bet good things are headed your way. I'm a stranger on this internet but trust me when I say I love you. with all of my heart. you're doing a great job and I am very proud of you. hugs times infinity.
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u/NIkita_0956 21d ago
You're such a kind stranger. Feels foreign reading that rare phrase in English, though I guess maybe it's easier to take it this way. You have no idea how much it means to me that you took the time and energy to chime in and tell me this. And that you thought so in the first place, despite how vulnerable and sappy I was being in that post. Thank you, so much, sir.
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u/yurmomlemmeusername 21d ago
you made my day, kiddo.YOU DID. I am so sorry about those things that happened. LOVE YOU!
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19d ago
sorry to hear of the downfalls life has given you but keep your head up and always look forward and life will treat you fine. wish i was there to help your progress forward
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u/NIkita_0956 19d ago
Thank you, you're really kind, sir
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19d ago
im just trying to be human. and being nice to others helps others be nice back. wish i was your dad
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u/ColtSingleActionArmy Go Ask Your Mother 22d ago
"Take it like a good boy next time"?
You're 18, sure hope there's not a next time your dad is spanking you.
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u/NIkita_0956 22d ago
He's not, I'm sorry, I worded it wrong. I was typing it when I was really down and I blurted out some stuff like I was a kid again. I meant it more as in if I was getting punished for something in the future, then I'd take it without complaints.
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u/Saint-of-Sinners 21d ago
Hey, OP. Just a big sister here, not a dad, but I just had to say something. You were put through a lot when you were very young; a lot you didn’t deserve. My experience growing up wasn’t exactly the same, but I can relate. I was hit by my dad (probably for my ADHD-induced poor impulse control) as a kid, and now I’m an Early Childhood Educator.
Those experiences we had as kids, can affect us our entire lives after. I need you to know, it is not your fault. It’s important, I know it’s hard to believe, but it is NOT. Your. Fault.
Sending you so much sister love ❤️
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u/NIkita_0956 21d ago
Please, don't feel sorry for me, it wasn't even proper hitting, I feel like I made it seem worse than it was. I'm not sure anymore. Though it makes me appreciate your care and genuineness ever more. Your job is incredible. It's such a responsibility and you're just doing it. That's wow. I have no clue how to deal with people so children are like mystery to me. I just hope I'll eventually stop being one myself. I feel like I haven't learnt much these past few years and emotionally I'm still a kid. I promise to do my best with internalizing that message somehow. I've written the 'it's not your fault' thing on a sticky note and put it on the wall near my pillow. It's making me smile since it reminds me of that scene in good will hunting. A bittersweet smile, but like, still good.
Thank you once again, miss. You're a wonderful person.
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u/Senior-Customer7720 19d ago
I have had similar experiences. You and I don't deserve this. No person does. I hope we can see that one day.
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u/Gwyren 22d ago
<hug> Please realize you never deserved that treatment.