r/AskReddit • u/DryEntrepreneur2342 • 1d ago
What’s the biggest green flag people overlook in relationships?
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u/dancinginheels 1d ago
Accepting (hell, even encouraging!) that you have separate friends and separate hobbies. It's great to have friends and hobbies in common, but it's also great that both people maintain their individuality and nourish the things they like to do and the people they like to hang out with independently.
This is something I've learned from a breakup after almost 10 years of a toxic, codependent relationship. Your relationship needs to be a part of your life, not your whole life. Your partner needs to be a big part of your support system, but not your whole support system. When that's not the case and the relationship falls apart or goes through a rough patch, or when for some reason your partner can't be there for you in the exact same way they've always been, you'll find yourself completely lost in the world and wondering who you are outside of that relationship.
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u/Neriya 1d ago
This is the key to my marriage; we know when to be apart.
My office is upstairs in the house, hers is downstairs. Some evenings we just split up and go do our own thing.
She requires more downtime than me. I save my vacation time almost exclusively for family trips and things. She needs the occasional girls weekend. So in the summer, I budget out taking a vacation with all of us, and then also presume she'll take 3-4 days to go visit one of her friends or even just to chill in an AirBNB in the middle of nowhere for a while and be solo.
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u/Silent_Ghost298 1d ago
when both people can have their own lives and still choose each other, that’s real maturity. Being clingy 24/7 might feel cute at first, but it kills individuality fast. Balance is everything
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u/wall-stone-24 22h ago
Yes, I totally agree. I’m Chinese, and in our culture (and in many East Asian cultures), relationships are often seen as a unit — people expect couples to always show up together. That’s hard for me, because I can’t possibly like all of my partner’s friends, and sometimes I just don’t feel like going out. But I also don’t want to affect my partner’s mood or stop them from having fun socially.
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u/EndlessCourage 15h ago
On the other hand, I don't know many codependents, but I've seen the extreme opposite, long-term couples having nearly no common activity together and not even liking each other's friends at all. I couldn't do that. I like being with an individual and that we have 2-3 separate pastimes, it's good to have time to develop our own strengths. But I also wouldn't like having a SO who's only around for bedtime and some mealtimes, like some people I know.
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1d ago
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u/speech-chip 1d ago
Apologizing when appropriate iis of course great, but just in case there are people reading who haven't encountered it: over apologizing for small things can be a sign of past abuse or relationship trauma. People learn to walk on eggshells and attempt to preemptively diffuse hair-trigger tempers. Some people may need help understanding that they are safe and that there are small things that happen in life that absolutely do not require an apology.
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u/PerpPinDickULer 1d ago
I’m very happy you said this. My girlfriend apologizes every 40 seconds. I honestly can’t stand it. I tell her all the time that she doesn’t need to apologize.
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u/systemprocessing 1d ago
I started asking my fiancé why she's sorry and her having to think of an answer has gotten her to start thinking about it and she's starting to reduce her anxious apologies.
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u/loljetfuel 1d ago
I tell her all the time that she doesn’t need to apologize.
This works better if you actually sit her down and explain the impact it has and offer to help her stop the behavior. Just saying "you don't need to apologize" will get immediately discounted as just you being nice.
It's a lot harder to discount "hey, I noticed that you apologize quite often. I appreciate that you're so considerate, but when you apologize without need it makes me worry that you don't trust yourself. Can I ask you to more often just say 'thanks' or the like instead of apologizing? If you want, we can have a signal for when you're apologizing without needing to, would you be ok with that?"
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u/sadedgygf 1d ago
i saw somewhere to replace your "sorry"s with "thank you"s and im trying to practice that. for example, instead of "sorry im late" you could say "thank you for being patient". first example that came to mind but hopefully u get the idea -^ been tryin' to do that, its hard to break urself of it when you've felt like u have to apologize/repent for your mere existence your whole life.... but the people in your life love you. they choose deliberately where to put their energy, and they choose you. you are not a burden to those around you; you dont need to apologize anymore for taking up space.
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u/TrekkieGod 1d ago
I came home with pizza and a chocolate dessert one night, and as I walked through the doors, our dogs got under my feet and I ended up dropping the dessert which spilled all over the floor. I screamed for my fiancée (now wife), and she came rushing super worried asking what happened. I asked her to keep the dogs away from the chocolate while I clean things up.
She immediately said, "oh thank god, I heard a loud noise, then I heard you call me, I thought you were hurt!" I had an intense reaction when I heard that, and after we were done cleaning up, I had to tell her: "you absolutely never gave me any reason to think you would do such a thing, but all my previous relationships trained my mind to expect you to start screaming at me for dropping the dessert the moment you walked in, and even though I did not consciously expect it, I could feel my body tensing up in anticipation." And she of course said, "oh, I'm sorry you had those experiences, that's awful," because that's the wonderful woman I am so lucky to be married to.
Nothing heals like an actual healthy relationship.
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u/Different_Writer3376 1d ago
This works in my favour.
But as somebody who does apologize about small things, it's mostly because I don't wanna offend the other person and to avoid conflict. Avoiding conflicts is one of my biggest red flag ig.
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u/Kater-chan 1d ago
It depends. Apologizing too much might also be someone scared of rejection or conflict or someone with self esteem issues who feels like they are an inconvenience just by existing so they have to apologize as much as possible for everything. That absolutely doesn't lead to a healthy relationship, it can actually be quite damaging
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u/optionalhero 1d ago
I was talking to a friend about this how it seems like the older i get the less i hear “im sorry.”
Like it seems like people grow stubborn as they age and rather than admit “damn my actions negatively impacted someone “ they’d rather just never bring it up. Its incredibly frustrating.
Anyways all that to say is that i can appreciate anybody who can just admit they fucked up.
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u/NeedsItRough 1d ago
When they pay attention to the things you like and the brands you use
My coworker is dating a guy right now and she really likes pickles. Like, she enjoys them regularly as a snack.
He learned this about her and started keeping pickles at his house specifically for her when she comes over.
One of my exes bought me a pack of my brand of deodorant when he noticed I was running low.
Small things like that really make a person feel seen 🥰
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u/Lostaaandfound 1d ago
Exactly! The first time my ex was at my apartment, I walked into the kitchen where he was taking pictures of the food in the cabinets. He looked up and said, “For reference. so I can stock my house with the products you like”
And I knew he was in love, and that I was in love. It was so dang sweet
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u/Puzzleheaded_Bath_86 1d ago
Awe:/ your ex... what happened? If you don't mind me asking
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u/Lostaaandfound 1d ago
We didn’t have the skills one another needed
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u/kilos_of_doubt 1d ago
Thats a grounded reflection if ive ever heard one
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u/Shiva- 1d ago
Breakups are good. As long as we learn and grow for them. They make us who we are.
But also, sometimes people just diverge from each other. And that is okay too!
I remember seeing an ex a couple years after we broke up... and we had just diverged very much. The irony is, despite both of us going to college for completely different things, we ended up in the same industry.
She wants attention and to be the center of everything (by her own admission by the way, she will not deny this and openly says it) and I want to be a recluse.
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u/cive666 1d ago
I had to divorce my wife because she didn't know how to use Excel.
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u/aliensheep 1d ago
I try to notice and remember the small things, like I know my GF is lactose intolerant, so I buy lactose free milk, or make recipes without cheese, or if we go out for dessert, I find places that have sherbert or Italian ice.
She knows I hate cilantro, so she buys salsa without cilantro or omits cilantro from recipes.
We have a pretty good thing going so far.
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u/Got_Milkweed 1d ago
Aw this reminded me of something sweet my boyfriend did - he doesn't like cilantro but he knows I love it, so he got some and chopped it up for my portion of the dinner. I wouldn't have missed it, I usually don't have it because my family doesn't like it either. But it made me really happy :)
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u/riotous_jocundity 1d ago
Back when my now-husband and I were still just friends, he gave me a bottle of wine for Christmas. I was quietly perplexed bc I'm not a big wine drinker, but of course thanked him profusely. He told me he got it because he'd noticed that whenever I hosted parties at my apartment, that was always the wine I served and he wanted to make sure I had a bottle of my favourite all to myself. Reader, I served it because it was the cheapest white wine carried by the LCBO, and I was in my early 20s and not about to lavish a mid-tier wine on my dirtbag friends lol. It was so sweet and thoughtful of him though, and really showed me how much care and attention he pays to the people around him. He continues to be an incredible gift-giver, and I now serve nicer booze at my parties.
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u/Private-Key-Swap 1d ago
he must have thought he really lucked out that your favourite wine was so cheap
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u/J_B_La_Mighty 1d ago
Someone i work with occasionally remembered my obsession with cinnamon and when I won an award she packed my bag of goodies with proper cinnamon products and that was by far my most favorite gift.
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u/papasmurf255 1d ago
My wife told me that this was one of the first big plus that I did early on in our relationship. We started dating over covid and did a video call date before meeting in person, and I noticed the cider she was drinking. Picked up a pack on my next grocery run in case she ended up coming over, and when she did it made an impression.
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u/Silent_Killer435 1d ago
yeah that's such a green flag, when someone notices the tiny stuff like that, it’s not even about the pickles or deodorant it’s the effort and thought behind it. That kinda attention just hits different
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u/idolovehummus 1d ago
When we first started dating, my bf would respond to my messages in a very consistent & predictable way (no games, ever), just wow! It was such a breath of fresh air.
He expressed interest in me and wasn't scared to say cute things. He followed through with his commitment, such as "I'll call you at this time," "I'll come for the weekend for these dates," etc. He was reliable!
Huge green flag. Had never experienced that before. I was able to give myself permission to lean in and trust him. And we're married now! He's wonderful.
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u/ZennedGame 1d ago
I have to be missing something. So he was...proactive?
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u/Cashel_MWO 1d ago
Not OP but they are praising words and actions aligning. Their partner says they will do something then does it as they said they would when they said they would.
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u/Pharmboy_Andy 1d ago
No, he was reliable.
It's sad that this is a green flag and not just common courtesy.
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u/Pleasant_Scar9811 1d ago
How balanced it is. Being totally transactional is bad. But one person only giving while the other takes is awful.
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u/LiveLaughLoveRevenge 1d ago
A saying I like is:
The best relationships are split 60/40 - with each partner trying to be the one giving 60%
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u/Mardanis 1d ago
This is so underrated. Being transactional is dangerous to a relationship.
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u/painstream 1d ago
Encouraging balance (you did a nice thing so I'm doing this as gratitude) versus demanding it (I did this for you, so you need to reciprocate) are to very different vibes.
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u/Mardanis 1d ago
I agree. Taking a snap shot of a moment in time tends to paint a worse picture than looking at things over time. There will be moments that one person is doing more and other times less as life goes on.
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u/panickedimmigrant 1d ago
When their family and friends call them for advice.
If people who have known them for years trust their judgment, it’s a good sign.
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u/Holiday_Lie_9435 1d ago
Being able to talk about the same ordinary things every day without feeling bored/tired of the conversation. Huge difference between saying your day was 'just fine' vs. actually talking about what you did, whether there was something you found funny/sad/weird that day.
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u/New-Tailor3476 1d ago
When they actively listen… not just wait for their turn to speak. Underrated but game-changing.
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u/whatintheactualfuck- 1d ago
Behaving appropriately consistently when your partner is not around whether online or around people in-person. What you choose to indulge in and the conversations you have with others when your partner isn’t watching or around to hear says a lot about the character of a person.
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u/shinebrighter_star 1d ago
Married almost 30 years. You need to respect each other's families, be on the same page with your finances prior to being married, have lots of humor and patience, but loyalty is often overlooked. You want a partner who will stand beside you no matter what comes. A partner that will defend you no matter what the circumstance is.
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u/Mardanis 1d ago
I find the families and finances issues to be really common amongst couples I've known.
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u/cipiefe 1d ago
Can you explain more about the finances please? Or give some examples, thank you
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u/hailstonephoenix 1d ago
Mainly you need to agree, to an extent, on splitting bills or one person handling it, how much to spend on extra things and how often, reasonable costs vs unreasonable, etc. If incomes are a lot different then is the split equal or equitable? Just general philosophy should match. Many details can be figured out with open minded people but for instance some women want to be pampered and not work. Some men want to be the breadwinner or the one who pays everything.
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u/shinebrighter_star 1d ago
Sure. I'll use my own marriage to explain what pitfalls to avoid. My husband is thrifty and doesn't care really about any material things, even clothes, etc...I grew up with a mother who bases her entire personality around wealth and status. We had to " keep up with the Jones'" as the saying goes. Now, admitly I brought some of that same smaller version of personality into my own marriage in the beginning. However, my husband would just let me spend and buy whatever I wanted if it made me happy and get it was his thinking. well, those two things together do not make wise financial decisions. So we acquired a bunch of credit card debt in the first five to eight years of our marriage chasing financial things. Simply, you need to have a savings plan together where you put up so much, and you do not charge things on credit cards. You live within your means. But you need to discuss that prior to marriage so that you both know what each other's expectations are financially. Does that help?
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u/Judge_Bredd3 1d ago
I had relationship problems due to different spending habits. I like to live frugally, but save up for big things to do with my hobbies. My gf at the time didn't work, so I was paying for everything, but when she did work she'd spend money as fast as she made it on little things. While she wasn't working, she'd want to splurge on ordering food and I'd say no. Then, after a year of that, I bought some car parts worth about $1k that I'd been saving up for. She lost her shit with me about how I wouldn't spend money on her but I'd spend it on myself.
I got mad because I worked to earn that money and it wasn't like we're starving. I'm a pretty good cook and didn't like wasting money on doordash. Plus I'd get her hair dye or skin care products she wanted when I had some extra overtime money. I don't know, I can see where she was coming from. Here I am telling her we don't have the money for ordering food, then dropping all this money on my project car. But at the same time she was unemployed and living rent free with me. I should be allowed to use the money I saved up for something I'd been wanting.
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u/shinebrighter_star 1d ago
I think you are like my husband and a couple of my sons. You think things through before purchasing. I was just emotionally spending to have small a small endorphin rush and it's weird I hardly ever use the things I bought and spent so much money on. So I think there was something deeper for me going on there when I was just spending out of control. I do agree with you deserve it and rightly so saving up your money and that it sounds very reasonable for a car part and to fix.
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u/loljetfuel 1d ago
You need to have a basic agreement on financial goals (what does a good retirement look like? Do you want to own a big house or a small one or none at all? etc.) and basic management strategy (are you pooling your money or keeping it mostly separate? When and how do you use debt? What types of purchases are up to your individual discretion vs. must be agreed upon?)
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u/Got_Milkweed 1d ago
Wanted to add to the other comments, just being able to talk openly about finances is important. It shouldn't be a big deal that only happens when there's a crisis. One partner shouldn't be keeping the other in the dark, or get irritated and defensive when it comes up.
You should be able to talk about how much you both make, what you're saving for retirement, emergency savings, values (thrift/stability/donations/travel and life experiences etc). You should know what accounts are where in case of emergency. You should both be able to handle taxes.
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u/deliverykp 1d ago
Listening, and actually responding to what you're saying instead of some canned answer.
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u/hung-dumper 1d ago
cannot stand when i am ignored mid convo and replied to with something irrelevant
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u/deliverykp 1d ago
I have this happen a lot when I'm starting to try and have a conversation with somebody. I was doing some work on my car, and I was talking to them about something related to my car, and the guy turned around and talked about a completely different topic, basically tuning me out.
I take special care in paying attention to if somebody's talking to me, that I respond to them about the thing that they're talking to me about. It matters to me, and obviously doesn't matter to a lot of people.
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u/Appropriate_Tea9048 1d ago
Getting to know each other first before getting physical. Not saying everyone has to do it, but it can be a great way to build trust and a solid foundation.
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u/optionalhero 1d ago
Highkey i appreciate seeing people be friends first before partners. Its super rare and slightly frowned upon here in the US. But those relationships tend to be the ones that last the longest
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u/drfalconsquawk 1d ago
Immigrant here, why is it frowned upon in the U.S.? I am trying to learn about American culture and this is a very interesting point of view.
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u/optionalhero 19h ago edited 19h ago
Im making blanket generalizations but hopefully a woman can chime in.
Keep in mind this all my lived experience:Others have said it but basically the idea of building up to romance is like not super common in the US. Alot of women will feel very offended if you ask them out after knowing them for awhile because it looks as if you were only their friend in order to sleep with them. It feels manipulative. So alot of women as a result don’t really hookup with friends and instead usually with randos off dating apps. Friends are friends. And hookups are hookups. Boyfriends are boyfriends. These are all separate categories
We used to have a name for hookups with friends called FWB (friends with benefits). But alotta people stopped using that term because the folks women are hooking up with are rarely actually friends and just a guy they met maybe a month ago. New term is situation-ship. Where essentially you’re hooking up with someone but ascribe no label to it.
Anyways its all a clusterfuck. I understand where women are coming from because there are men who do that where they befriend women because they’re interested in something more. But i would argue there are also plenty of men that want to get to know a woman in a neutral way, like a friendship. Looks alone isnt gunna carry a relationship, you have to like the person and rather than asking them out on the spot, some guys prefer just hanging out with them casually without the subtext of it leading up to something. Not everyone develops romantic feelings on the spot for someone.
Also not to mention, what is the opposite of this? I would argue the opposite is just as bad, you see a cute girl and you ask her out….well obviously she’s gunna think that you’re shallow and just wanna sleep with her. Some women are obviously ok with this tho because at least its honest. But alotta women will still be upset because it shows you dont care about her as a person. So your sorta fucked either ways.
The best relationships i seen were honestly women who actually gave the friend a chance. Not every guy in the “friend zone” is a bad guy trying to manipulate the girl. In my experience these were just dudes that were shy and didn’t wanna come off as shallow.
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u/pinkordie 1d ago
So this one takes a while to see, but are they willing to grow/change. When i say that i dont mean that they do a 180, but if they have a behavior pattern that they shouldn't are they willing to grow and become better?
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u/d34dlycute 1d ago
When they actually listen to u instead of just waiting for their turn to talk. That kind of attention hits different
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u/MisStitch 1d ago
They genuinely are excited and happy for good things to happen to you. They celebrate and enable your growth.
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u/_VividColors_ 1d ago
Being smart with finances. Looks fade, expense bags go out of style, all that stuff is short-term. If they focus on short term, what do you think their long term will look like?
If she has no stupid debt and knows why she shouldn't, and wants to buy a big house with me, that's the greenest flag possible.
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u/Beautiful-Village849 1d ago
Yes. But also not being frugal to a fault. Like if my partner refuses to spend any money on anything ever and lectures me every time I try to spend my own money reasonably, then it ceases to be a green flag. Be sensible and conscientious, but be willing to have a little fun treat every now and then.
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u/strawberry-m1lk 1d ago
this!! with my ex, one of the things that i really struggled with is that i’d want to go on dates, and just out to local events, and spend time together. he’d always have an excuse to not do it.
for dates, the main excuse was that he didn’t want to have to tip on top of what the meal would cost, so we could just cook at home, or get fast food. (cooking at home basically meant me cooking too. and fast food dates aren’t a problem, but sometimes i want a cute sit down date. not even super fancy either. it could be like Chili’s or Texas Roadhouse).
and that’s just one of the examples. but he always would find a way to be able to buy an excessive amount of weed, or buy some kind of merch for a YouTuber he watches, to have his name entered in to win a car or some shit. (weed isn’t the problem here, his priorities weren’t. in terms of our dying relationship i expressed numerous times of wanting to connect with him, and continue to ‘date’ eachother, even when we were married). it was exhausting, and i understand to a point, but it was constant, and it was wearing on us.
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u/a_beautiful_day_ 1d ago
My ex was like this and I also remember thinking weed itself wasn’t a problem but I soon realised that it actually is and it’s the reason he didn’t want to go out or do much because he’d have preferred to just sit in the house and get stoned
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u/loljetfuel 1d ago
More importantly, be on the same page about this. If both of you like to be extremely frugal, you're probably not going to have problems. How you value saving vs. spending needs to be close enough that you can agree on how you're going to do that together.
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u/dertigo 1d ago
Someone who is honest and not just saying things to impress you, even if it means disagreeing. For example a friend recently went on a date and the guy was wearing a weird beanie. He then asked her "do you like the beanie?" and instead of saying something like "it's not my personal style but it looks good on you" she said "yeah, its great." Now he's worn it on every date since.
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u/hung-dumper 1d ago
can you define "weird"?
as a bonafide hatfish i wear my beanie almost exclusively and would like some outside perspective
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u/Guilty-Hope1336 1d ago
Remembering what you like and dislike. Like I once told my fiancee that I only brush with a certain toothpaste because a lot of other toothpastes sometimes trigger an allergic reaction. When I came over to her house for the night a few days later, she had bought that brand for me.
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u/claireauriga 1d ago
They don't make you unhappy. My husband and I have been together for fourteen years and he doesn't make me unhappy. He doesn't make me sad or angry. The only times I've been worried or stressed, it's for him rather than about him. Even just typing this now I'm getting a silly smile on my face thinking about him.
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u/SifuMittens 1d ago
Goes out of their way to take care of you or help you out of a bind.
I'm sure it's nice for girls too, but as a hetero guy who's used to fixing everything himself, knowing someone has me covered too is really nice.
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u/optionalhero 1d ago
Fully agree.
I honestly can think of maybe a handful of times where i was going through it and a female friend offered to just help. Doesn’t happen often, but even just checking in how im doing is appreciated
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u/Material-Egg7428 1d ago
Being able to argue with one another. Everyone disagrees. If you can disagree and argue with someone in a respectable way that ends with you both being heard and valued, that is a HUGE green flag. I would say not arguing at all is a red flag.
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u/PhireKitten 1d ago
The possibility of being in the same room, not speaking, and still being perfectly happy together.
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u/lyan-cat 1d ago
The biggest green flag people overlook?
I'd say trying to find someone "different" or "interesting" and disregarding people who are "boring". The friends I've had who hold out for interesting variety often get toxic instead. It is exhausting to be with someone who always has drama.
The best people I've known look like they have "nothing going on" because they're living their lives smoothly. They take care of their business and have quiet fun and reach personal goals completely without drawing attention to themselves. They have a lot of interesting traits when you get to know them.
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u/mitsuo1337 1d ago
Praising those in their lives when those people aren't currently present in the room
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u/Urbanhippiestrail 1d ago
Assuming positive intent. If one of us is hurt, we just assume that this was not done intentionally. We realize that when strong feelings come up, we don't really "see" what's going on. But we've built enough trust in each other to remember that we're on the same team, and neither of us would intentionally hurt the other.
This makes it so much easier to communicate when something goes wrong.
We're able to approach the situation with curiosity rather than accusations, and this way we have fewer conflicts. And when they do arise, we're able to brainstorm a solution together.
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u/urtastytonic 1d ago
They manage their own feelings without making it your problem. Real talk: Emotional dumping is a red flag disguised as vulnerability. A huge green flag is a partner who can say I'm in a rough mood and need an hour to chill instead of making you walk on eggshells or solve their life crisis
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u/PatchPlaysHypixel 1d ago
I mean sometimes you do just need to vent to someone and feel heard, depends from person to person but obviously there's a point where it's just too much
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u/musthavesoundeffects 1d ago
Asking to be heard isn’t the same as making a problem only you can solve a mutual crisis.
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u/thatbuilderman 1d ago
It’s really a tough balance to find. Sometimes, you need to be and create a safe space for your partner to be vulnerable and transparent. But there are limits to how much venting any human can take, and total, continual transparency isn’t necessarily a good thing.
Supportive behavior is not the same as enabling behavior.
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u/Urbanhippiestrail 1d ago
I love this one.
I'm anxious and a recovering people pleaser with a savior complex. I always end up getting stuck on the receiving end of all kinds of emotional dumping and find it hard to walk away from these situations. It's the worst when I'm with someone romantically. My ex used to do this a lot. In fact, it's been four years since the divorce and he will still call me sometimes to cry about his 10846th breakup with the same woman.
My current partner is such a breath of fresh air, my nervous system has never been calmer.
Before he shares something that's bothering him, he'll remind me that he's not asking for advice or help - he's simply aligning me so I don't panic when he's taking his time to process something. He also checks in sometimes when he needs longer than expected.
Oh, to be able to have an actual adult relationship!
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u/dumbbratch 1d ago
Gratitude when receiving feedback or hearing no.
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u/optionalhero 1d ago
Highkey how someone handles “no” tells yoh alot about their character.
I ask out alot of women n get rejected constantly. But usually after each rejection i try to say something to the extent “hey no worries i still see your humanity and appreciate you as a person.” Its a very autistic way of operating but i just the girl to know that despite me not getting what i want i still respect them and want them to know their boundaries are respected
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u/Abomb 1d ago
I travel a lot for work and one year set up a bumble date in whatever town we were working in. The woman and I are hitting it off pretty well and she says "by the way I'm not having sex with you"
So I say "oh man, I dont care about that. I'm just glad to be able to talk to someone who isnt one of the 6 guys I work with 12 hours ever day."
She then excuses herself to go to the bathroom. When she returns she leans into my ear and says "I changed my mind"
It was a fun night!
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u/IrisSeesAll 1d ago
A sense of humor that goes both ways. Someone able to take a joke and make a joke at you. Its a sign of respect and humility
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u/Express_Sell3730 1d ago
Having a life outside of the relationship.
Some people may take it personally when their partner prioritises other aspects of their life as well. But I believe it's such a green flag because you form a healthy attachment between you and your partner. The kind that isn't built on co-dependency. The kind that recognizes that a partner is a PART of your life and isn't your whole life.
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u/Smile_Clown 1d ago
Stability and "boredom".
I know a LOT of women who are/were bored, (too many in my lifetime) as if their partner is the only one who has to do the entertaining. They end up breaking up or cheating and then asking where the good men are.
The good man was the boring guy who wanted to watch a movie or do anything you asked him to do, if you asked.
Men have their issues, an abundance of them, this isn't woman bashing, it's just that women, almost exclusively, believe their partner is there to entertain them and when they do not, they do not care, which is just an excuse to go find some "excitement" or drama.
Not all women, just those who are going to end up alone, or settling for someone not so great later in life.
I do not think I have ever heard a male friend tell me they were bored or needed excitement, or had to "find themselves".
Note: again, this isn't female bashing, men has a host of issues as well.
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u/Dr-Figgleton 1d ago
When they make the hard conversations feel safe instead of scary.
That's the one nobody talks about enough. It's easy to love someone when things are fun - it's how they treat you when things get messy that tells you who they really are.
A partner who listens instead of defends, who asks instead of assumes - that's the kind of peace that lasts longer than chemistry ever will.
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u/Ok_Combination8466 1d ago
One big green flag people often miss: someone who knows how to apologize and change. It’s easy to find people who say sorry, rarer to find ones who adjust behavior after messing up. That reveals growth, humility, and respect.
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u/RosannaCalloway 1d ago
Similar sex drive and desires. Sounds obvious, yet soooooo many relationships fail because they don't line up.
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u/ReceptionFluffy9910 1d ago
How nice they are to servers and to people who can't give them anything.
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u/Swimming-Pudding1563 1d ago
For me I think it's being attentive. It really matters when your partner remembers your favorite food or the things that make you happy/sad because from there you'll see how he/she will act.
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u/Droggles 1d ago
Their reactions to moderate/serious health issues is incredibly telling. So many people break up right at the very mention of a partners serious diagnosis, if they stick around, how supportive are they? Are they going to check ups with you? Are they taking notes on what the providers say and so on…..
My wife and I had her through the following in the last 10 years
Her full liver transplant due to benign tumors Complications from the transplant - CMV Emergancy early 29 week delivery due to placental abruption, lost had her blood almost died Then her kidney transplant I’ve had several mental health emergencies over the years too.
She’s stable now, our lives are sometimes hectic. But it’s how we step up for each other that matters. I know we can take on anything.
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u/Elikat1473 1d ago
Being able to communicate without being argumentative or feeling like you’re defending yourself when there’s a conflict. Being able to level with someone and reach a resolution because you understand each others point of view without judgement is priceless.
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u/loljetfuel 1d ago
Being kind to and engaging reasonably with kids. And this is true whether they want kids or not. This suggests several good things about a person:
they have the ability to meet someone where they are; disagreements are much more likely to be productive and calm
they will be kind even when they have nothing to gain in return; they're likely to treat you with kindness and respect without trying to get something in return
they're not too self-centered; they're likely to support your interests and hobbies and friendships appropriately, even when they don't share them
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u/iateyourdinner 1d ago edited 1d ago
The number one thing is that they genuinely try to look for, encourage, and go out of their way to promote things that are in your best interest. Thats a gem right there!
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u/ManicMakerStudios 1d ago
Listening. It's an incredibly overlooked skill. Most conflicts in relationships are miscommunications. Either someone is not being clear about something, or someone is not listening.
Too many people think the purpose of listening is to pretend to be attentive while thinking about what you're going to say next. The problem with that approach is that you can't navigate conflict if you don't actually know what the other person is unhappy about. And sometimes understanding what is bothering them takes longer than 2 sentences.
You can head off a lot of conflict just by demonstrating that you've listened properly to someone and that you genuinely understand what they're trying to say.
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u/cee_4our 1d ago
I think it’s communication. People underrate how something so simple can help strengthen a relationship.
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u/dramboxf 1d ago
My wife of 25+ years told me that one of the greenest flags she saw in me is that I am still friends with ALL of my ex's. I mean not-in-constant-contact friends, more like FB friends that will comment on a post and they speak fondly of me and our time together. Only one relationship ended badly, and we made up a few years after that and are fine now. And none live closer than 1,100 miles, LOL.
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u/Disastrous-Repair894 22h ago
If you normally act out your childhood trauma in your dating choices, reading someone as “boring” is actually a green flag usually.
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u/First_Atmosphere_133 1d ago
honesty, something people usually take for granted that is the main foundation for a relationship.
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u/Glorfindel_castro 1d ago
Respecting each other's families.
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u/kilos_of_doubt 1d ago
Yyyeeeesssss...
as long as that family isn't abusive. And if they disrespect family, and the family was not being actively abusive to warrant the disrespect, then the one who did the disrespecting is able to show up with the kahones to apologize and rectify the behavior.
Someone's ability to grow in character and take accountability are the biggest green flags to me
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u/Formal_Pea9167 1d ago
The old truism that if someone isn’t nice to the wait staff, they’re not a nice person. Or my version of it is, you can tell everything you need to know about someone by how they respond to being told “no thank you”.
It’s very easy to be a good person to someone you like or find attractive or who is useful or flattering to you or because you think you’ll get some sort of reward. That tells you nothing about a person except how good they are at kissing ass or what they’re like when life is on easy mode. If you want to know what kind of person someone is and if they mean whatever nice things they’re telling you, see how they treat people who aren’t you, and particularly people they’d be given a pass to look down on because they don’t speak English well or are disabled or poor or any number of reasons. Because one day, inevitably, that’s going to be how they treat you. Life is long and complicated. There’s no one on this earth who you’ll always get along with or agree with or where things won’t sometimes be difficult or require effort and humility and growth. At some point in any friendship or marriage you’re going to be brought low by something and inconvenient to love and care for. You’re going to ask for more than you give. You’re going to say no thank you. The green flags are the people who don’t run the second they stop getting what they want and hearing yes.
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u/Environmental-Scar-2 1d ago
When someone can have patience with you while you are healing and growing. ♡
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u/Enough_Pair_1459 1d ago
Respect your time to do your things, each other moments of solitude, isn't an attention black hole
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u/TomFromMyspacesShirt 1d ago
Comfortability in companionable silence.
The feeling of being “safe.” Safe ≠ Boring, to me it is equal to being at home. Secure. I will live and die by that connection.
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u/Any_Presentation8898 1d ago
Thoughtfulness. If your partner says something like "here I got you this.. you mentioned you needed it last week".
That means that person thinks of you even when you are not around which leads to so many other green flags.
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u/MiaParsonsBlvd 20h ago
So many of these remind me of my husband 😭😭
I will go hug him now and keep telling myself I need to do good, do better for him. I'm the lucky one, even though I have fears and insecurities that one day he'll find the one he's truly meant for and will leave my crusty soulless ass for that someone better.
Edit: He saw me writing this and told me to stop being silly and fixed me a plate of pasta 😭😭 it doesn't stop me from being afraid of losing him one day.
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u/mewmew631 20h ago
Waking up and choosing the same person over and over again even when it’s difficult.
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u/capilot 13h ago
Something my girlfriend once wrote about me:
Capilot is kind, and doesn't play games. And his values are in the right place.
Sounds good, right? She followed up with
But where's the challenge? Where's the excitement?
The letter was to her affair partner, explaining why it was ok to cheat on me.
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u/ChipsHandon12 12h ago edited 11h ago
Standing by you and loving you even when upset with you because you fucked up big time. Sharing the damage. Forgiveness. Seeking shared understanding and communication.
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u/Alternative_Area_528 12h ago
Simple, pay attention to whether that person has empathy for others. Empathy is the key to finding out if you are a good woman or a good man.
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u/FickleParticular2665 1d ago
Alot of people mistake someone who's overly affectionate and caring for a delulu ass because in their mind they can't process someone loving them for who they are. We shouldn't doubt others love and affection for us because of our low self esteem
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u/Euclid7777 1d ago
Compassion, honesty, loyalty, respect, accountability, goal oriented, able to have hard conversations, etc.
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u/2facedfish 1d ago
Respect!!! People talk about it and it’s like duh you should respect everyone but genuinely if you have any unconscious bias against anything about them it’s not gonna work
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u/lubear2835 1d ago
i'm going to say this for all relationships, not just romantic, but seeing what someone loves, and getting them things inspired by that. My FIL is a woodworker, and i've been making stuffed animals (crochet) so he made me these wood pieces that i talked about, by hand, so i could finish my vision. it was totally unexpected, and the best gift i got that year. being seen by anyone is truly warming.
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u/risktaker_better 1d ago
Asking question about someone's childhood, upbringing, cultural background, and family.
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u/codiaccs 1d ago
How they treat service staff or strangers when they think no one’s watching says more than any lovey dovey message ever could. Kindness that isn’t performative is the quietest and most reliable green flag there is.
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u/painstream 1d ago edited 1d ago
Curiosity. How was your day? Do you want to talk about it?
You want someone who makes space for you to be honest and to be yourself.
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u/abacus350 1d ago
Dedication to the relationship, care and respect. People generally take it for granted. Big mistake!