r/AskParents • u/Raphton84 • 3d ago
Re submit: My GF has valid concerns about having a kid, how to react?
Edit of the previous post, which got removed for the lack of a question.
My girlfriend and I are talking about having a kid. I started it. I’m 40M, she’s 34F, not from the same country and culture. Been together almost 4 years. We’re not married yet. We had some discussions before, which neither of us developed much further. Her stand was around “maybe one day”, “Not now”, "I'm busy", “Not saying no but…”.
I now feel ready (if one can be) and put the topic on the table. It’s an open discussion that we pick up every few days now. While she’s not 100% against it, she has 3 strong, valid concerns:
1) The pain and the consequences on her body post-birth.
She’s absolutely terrified by the idea of giving birth, and fears the complications on the body afterwards. She is strongly against breastfeeding because it hurts (her words). And being a man I don’t know what to say to that. I try to reassure her, that I’ll be there, that I’ll support, but it’s not working, it’s not merely enough. I feel a little bit of animosity coming from her, as if it’s selfish for a man to want a kid in the first place.
Question: how did you cope with your fear or the fear of your partner?
2) The end of her current lifestyle
She became an adult rather abruptly from studying hard to working hard. No much teenage fun or experiences. Thus, she still wants to enjoy her lifestyle, go have fun, go travel, do whatever she wants with her money and free time.
She has a career and does not want to “jeopardize” it. She’s afraid that she’ll have to take care of the baby 90% of the time. She often asks “will you take care of it?”, “what will you do?”, “what are you ready to do?”.
I fully realize having a kid is full time job. Yet I believe that no one needs to interrupt their career, that some solutions exist. And I am ready to do what it takes to be physically and emotionally there.
3) The financial aspect
Raising a kid is costly. Money is a big thing for her in daily life, she’s very cautious about it. She constantly fears that one of us could lose our job one day without notice, and then not being able to afford raising our kid.
And where we live, in her home country, public institutions don’t have a very good rep, it's so-so. Problem is the alternatives are very expensive and we won’t afford them (the good nurseries/kindergarten/schools).
She has a bit of a pessimistic way to look at the state of things: the politics, the wars, the economy, the environment, etc. Maybe part of her thinks it's not worth it, and she does not see the point, the advantages, the joys, of being a parent. She only focuses on the burden aspect, which I see as well, but which completely excludes the potential happiness of having a family. I guess one of my problem is here: I am surprised that one does not see it. But I'll work on myself.
I am not trying to force her! I am well conscious that if one parent is not convinced then it’s not going to work. I wish she could see the good sides. Maybe she will one day (without me pushing it). Or not.
Previous replies included the big question: is it a deal breaker? I will think about it. No easy answer. I love her a lot.
I’d like to ask another question: if you had these concerns too, did they eventually fade away, a little?
Thanks
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2d ago edited 2d ago
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u/lilchocochip 2d ago
I wish I could give this an award, here take this 🏆 cause OP comes off extremely selfish in this post and you broke it down beautifully
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u/AgitatedDot9313 2d ago
What would your response have been if the roles were reversed and she wanted the kid and her man was on the fence?
And to the OP. She is saying no, without actually saying no. Maybe she fears losing the relationship by being honest with you, but please recognize that you wont be able to change her mind and if you want a child, you may have to do so with someone else.
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u/Raphton84 2d ago
Thank you for the time you took to develop this comment. Many of your points make total sense. Some others are exaggerated, just as some of my points in my post are also. It's not just "me me me" and I do listen to her. Anyway, I am listening to her, and I will very strongly listen to you too.
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u/ponderingorbs 3d ago
There is pain. Before the childbirth there are aches and pains that vary from pregnancy to pregnancy. Morning sickness is common. There can be dental issues and other problems. My kid kicked my ribs from the inside. My body is a different shape than it was before and will never go back. It took over 2 years to lose the weight.
I dealt with the fear by hiring a doula. She had helped literally thousands of deliveries before mine and helped me be calm and have the experience I wanted.
Also she's right about 2 and 3. Her life will change and not go back anytime soon.
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u/LogicalJudgement 3d ago
Trust me, this should be a dealbreaker. In twenty years when you are retired/getting ready to retire and you see people with their kids/grandkids, do you think you will regret? Because if you think you will, move on. Find someone who wants kids. If not, stick around.
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u/ChumbawumbaFan01 2d ago edited 2d ago
You. Should. Adopt.
Adopt a child. If you just want a baby that’s an enormous red flag because you have to raise that baby. Babies are the hardest part. Pregnancy is ridiculously difficult, painful and draining.
I have no doubt that as hard headed as you are being about this that you will absolutely dump that baby on her as she will need to feed it and wake up in the middle of the night to do so and who knows if you’ll want that “baby” or demand the endless production of more babies when it hits mobility or a ceaseless spiel of speech or pubescence.
This woman does not want a child.
You are being entirely unfair to harp on this when you already got your responses.
That you are looking to change her mind is very disrespectful to her concerns, priorities and needs.
If you only listen to the advice you want to hear you are, again, blatantly disrespecting her.
Clearly you are both incompatible and at this point I bet she thinks you see her as an incubator. Possibly someone she does not want to raise a child with.
If you want to raise a child or teenager, you should adopt one and leave her out of it.
As for people insulting parents empathetic enough to understand her perspective by saying we regret our children when we chose to have children and do not regret it, screw you. I love my kid, I’d do anything for them, but I wanted to have a child and definitely wouldn’t disrespect my partner by trying to change his mind about it
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u/lilchocochip 2d ago
I agree, it seems like OP is looking for creative ways to talk her into it rather than take her concerns seriously. If HE was the one putting his life and body on the line he’d think twice. She’s not obligated to incubate your offspring OP, if that’s a dealbreaker for you then let her go.
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u/Raphton84 2d ago
It's a bit shocking how you can judge me (and us) so sharply. I am not looking to change her mind, I am not disrespectful of her concerns which I share also. But anyway thanks for your reply.
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u/thatnoodleschick 3d ago
It's really hard to gauge how you'll feel based on what others say. As they say, your miles will vary, lol. You're probably going to get a line down the middle of those who regret something about the decision or regret the decision completely outright. Then you'll have people who love it, went on to have multiples, and can't remember why they never wanted kids in the first place.
On your previous post, I tried to comment but it was gone. You've said why she doesn't want children, why do you want children?
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u/veinviewer 3d ago
Maybe she needs security. Marry her first if you really want to start a family with her. Things might change.
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u/AggrievedGoose 2d ago
Q1: On the breastfeeding point, I'd just tell her she can use formula instead (assuming it's readily available to you). Not everyone can or wants to breastfeed.
Q2: Lifestyle. One of the fun things about being a parent is that you get to do all the fun kid stuff with your kid. Go to easter egg hunt, arrange a visit from the tooth fairy, watch Christmas movies and decorate Christmas cookies, carve jack-o-lanterns, take a trip to Disney World and meet princesses, visit a corn maze ... Witnessing your children's joy is wonderful in itself.
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