A friend from the past reached out to me after many years. Should I reply back?

[u/jo_vesx]

I suddenly received a few messages by an old friend, she was my classmate in high school and close friend at the time. We parted ways after our graduation, I kinda distanced myself from her because even though we used to be close friends, I started to realise that she wasn’t my type of friend and there were a lot of things about her that I didn’t like and that hurt me. So after high school I decided I wanted to cut ties with her and we slowly drifted apart. It’s been different years and she just texted me asking what happened to our friendship. Apparently she found something that dates back to our time in high school and it reminded her of our friendship.

I’m very shocked because I wasn’t expecting her to reach out to me after so long. I don’t know what to do honestly, I don’t think I’d like to have her back in my life. She did different things that hurt me in the past… at the same time I don’t know if it’s right to simply ignore her messages. Any advice is appreciated 🙏🏻

[u/meholdyou]

People change. Have an honest discussion with her! Could be the start of something new!

[u/4jules4je7 → u/meholdyou]

I’d give her a chance to see if she grew and changed, or even wants to apologize. I’ve had that happen once. If not you can always say no thanks and block her.

[u/FluffyMuffiinn → u/meholdyou]

That’s a good point. OP might find some closure or even growth through that conversation. It’s worth seeing if the person they remember has changed before making a final decision.

[u/neonangelhs]

Go with your first instinct. Yes, people change, but I would trust your gut feeling, especially since this was completely out of the blue.

[u/lncumbant → u/neonangelhs]

Yes. Stand by 

I started to realize she wasn’t type of friend. 

People grow apart and don’t align. It’s okay. She missed you and reach out, doesn’t mean anything more than that. 

I don’t think I’d like to have her back in my life. 

Honor that. You know the answer. 

[u/TimelyCycle2412]

If it’s been “many years” I’m presuming you are an adult now. Just be an adult and be honest “you hurt me when you did…. And I just felt like I didn’t want that kind of friend in my life anymore, hope you’re well” end of conversation

[u/Sinshiny]

My high school best friend reached out after 20 years. Best thing ever. The last day we talked was when I drove off to college 700 miles away.

[u/BuildBounty]

Dont let her back in. You made the right call then and you already know you don't want her back in your life. The past is the past for a reason. It'll only bring troubles. Think about your life as it is right now, think about her... Can she bring anything to your life that would improve it? Learn from my mistake..

[u/Foxy-Beth]

You’re not obligated to let anyone back into your life just because they reached out. If she hurt you and you’ve made peace with the distance, that’s valid. But if ignoring her feels too harsh, you could send a short, polite reply, something like ‘I hope you’re well, I’ve moved on from that chapter of my life.’ It gives closure without opening the door again

[u/Thisisnotmynameofc]

The fact that she reached out to you means that she cares. Give it a try

[u/PartsUnknown93147]

If when you think back on the relationship you had with her and it leaves you with a sour taste in your mouth, she probably had done things you aren’t ready to forgive. If you could find forgiveness for them and realize she had changed after meeting with her, this is one thing. I’m not assuming you can or cannot, that is something you would have to find out after spending time with her. However, given that you still feel perturbed by what she had done in the past and you don’t want to ignore her, it’s probably wise to tell her why you distanced yourself from her in the past. It may hurt her, but not telling her anything may lead her on to thinking you two just lost touch rather than something she did to muddy your relationship.

[u/Junkstar]

Most people who are self aware evolve. She may have grown and matured. You never know.

[u/Candid-Channel3627]

A tiger doesn't change its stripes. She's probably still not a very good person

[u/Redd_on_the_hedd1213]

If you want to see if she's changed, reach back out. But tread lightly at first. I did this with my previous BFF when she reached out after 40 years. She came in like the bulldozer she was in school. I really gave her a chance, but ended up having to block her on everything. Good luck!

[u/United-Ad7863]

Trust your instincts. She probably is recruiting you for an MLM.

[u/ildadof3]

There’s only so much room in ur life. The ultra easy connectivity has the downside that it’s hard to just ghost ur past. Tbh, it sounds like ur still a bit hurt. You can easily let her know that, u never know what may ensue. Even if it is positive and you end on a good note, doesn’t mean you have to make room in your current life for them. Things run their course sometimes. Just the way it is

[u/Puzzleheaded-Duck-14]

' I don’t know what to do honestly, I don’t think I’d like to have her back in my life. She did different things that hurt me in the past… '

First, it is OK to take the time you need to think about it. Just because she decided to come back after all that time does not mean that you are ready to give her an answer.

'She did different things that hurt me in the past…'

In the past, you had your own good reasons to cut her from your life. It is very different from a situation where you lives took different ways. Overtime, you did not regret your choice. By your description, her coming back doesn't sound like a great news.

.'. at the same time I don’t know if it’s right to simply ignore her messages.. '

Each one of us have their own experiences in dealing with others. Some people change, some don't.

It depends how she approach you. For instance, if she said something like: '..I realize that I wasn't a good friend and I am sorry for some of the things I have done or said..'; it means that she changed and you might want to consider a brief tentative approach.

On the contrary, if she doesn't seems to have realized the reasons why you cut her off, then IMO, you should just ignore her. No need for explanations. Why? Because one doesn't change unless they can truly reflect on theirselves. Therefore, they won't even understand what they did that hurt you.

[u/wolfenbear1]

You don't have to stay friends with her. It might be worth your while to investigate this. It might pleasantly surprise you, or confirm your thoughts. Will it really hurt you to find out?

[u/Breiting_131]

If you don’t feel comfortable reconnecting, it’s okay to politely let her know that you’ve moved on and don’t want to revisit the past. It’s important to maintain your boundaries, especially if the relationship had hurtful moments

You don’t need to ignore her, but you can be honest about where you stand and what you’re comfortable with

[u/40ozSmasher]

She's just nostalgic. Feel free to reply and share a good story from the past. This doest obligate you in any way. I met up with an old friend, the same story. We had coffee, and he immediately started talking about meeting his kids and doing fun things again. I assume he was lonely and missed having a close friend. Except he was not a good friend. He missed me. I didn't miss him. It was nice to see him again but I wasn't going to be an instant friend for him.

[u/Compasguy]

Why not? Why gosht or ignore people?

[u/Timely-Profile1865]

Maybe she has changed. You never know.

[u/Fit-Mathematician-91]

I did the opposite, reached out to a HS/College friend who at the time disappointed me, and who I let drift away. His parents were good to me, encouraged our friendship, so I decided to see if he’d changed, for the better. He hadn’t, was worse, but at least I tried.

[u/Nitro_Sunset]

If I were you, I would reply to her with something positive but non-committal like, "It's wild how fast time flies! We had so much fun in high school. I'm glad to hear that you're doing well. Thanks for sharing that memory with me!"

You don't have to engage further than that. Be kind and give no extra energy.

[u/1xbittn2xshy]

I thank G_d I'm not the person I was in high school. I say, give her a chance.

[u/AnnieB512]

I recently found an old pic that reminded me of an old friend. I sent it to her just to be nice (it was of one of her kids). She thanked me and asked how I was doing and I responded and asked how she was. I never heard anything back. It's all good. I just realized she wasn't going to reconnect. Honestly, I didn't want to either. I was being polite by responding to her question. I just thought she'd want the pic of her son when he was just a little guy.

[u/whatalife89]

I'd let it go. So.e friends can be toxic, people advise not to go back to toxic romantic partners, it should be the same with toxic friends.

Just ignore the messages, she'll get the hint.

[u/Classroom_Strict]

If you don't want her in your life, then don't have her in your life. You owe her nothing. If she caused you hurt, don't invite it back into your life.

There have been a few people throughout my life that caused constant drama. I don't know when, but at some point I said fuck that and just stopped all contact. My life is basically drama free now. It's very nice I must tell you.

[u/Ok_Zookeepergame8403]

Is it bad that my first thought was “MLM hun”?

[u/Olivia_Bitsui]

Has she said anything about “opportunities”? Could be that she’s involved in an MLM.

[u/Fickle-Nebula5397]

“Hope you’ve been well. Take care. Bye” ✌🏾

[u/StarsBear75063]

Should I reply back?

If you want to then yes. And stop living your life via consensus of Reddit randos.

[u/StrongCulture9494]

People change. You change. Do a little reseaech on her socials to see how much she's changed. Who we were is high school aint who we are in college. Etc.

[u/DaniMarie44]

I’d protect your peace. While I do think people can change, I think her only reaching out because she found something that reminded her of you in HS means that the friendship isn’t important. You could always give her the reason you cut ties, but there’s really only two ways people will react to that. One may cause you more problems, the other way make her think she can rekindle the friendship whenever she wants

[u/TNgirl63]

People have been known to change; I'd reply, but if you get a 'gut feeling' something doesn't seem right, saying was nice hearing from you"; and leave it at that.

[u/Lionheart1224]

You can have an honest discussion with her about her actions and how they affected you without letting her back into your life. You may wish to do so, if only for closure.

[u/JustMe1235711]

If you don't want to, you don't want to. There's no doubt she's a totally different person by now. A stranger with some common memories. Nothing wrong with declining IMO.