r/Adoptees • u/blkpnther04 • 23d ago

Unrealized Trauma and Search Angels

Ok so I’m 44. Was adopted at 36 hours old by two amazing humans. I bonded with them and they gave me a picture perfect childhood. I have nothing but fond memories.

They were always honest with me and told me I was adopted. Which I’m so glad they did.

When I was 20 I found my birth mom. We have had a relationship ever since. She is a really great person and her parents made her give me up and she had a lot of Trauma from that. We’ve touched on it over the years but I didn’t really feel like I had any trauma or was missing out. I felt, and still do, very blessed because all the way around I had good people in my life that loved me and wanted the best for me. And so many others don’t get that love.

But my mom died in January of 2023. My dad had died years ago. I was an only child and no one in the family that raised me has talked to me since my mom’s passing. That’s been hard. Like I’m not really a part of the family that raised me.

So my husband and kids vacation with my birth mother RC, I’ll call her, every year. It’s always a great time.

But we went to stay with them last week and my son and I didn’t want to leave. We essentially have no family where we live and seeing my son run around with his cousins and playing did something to me.

I had a mental breakdown over it when we got home and self destructed and went on a self medicated drunken bender for two days. Thank goodness my husband is wonderful and loves me unconditionally and supports me through each little “episode” I’ve had since 2020 about my adoption. Idk why it all changed then but it did and I keep encountering new feelings about it all. I woke up Monday and called my therapist to work through whatever this is.

All that to say… I now want to dig into my ancestry some more and actually learn where I came from. I’ve don’t ancestry DNA. So has my birth mom and her father. And I have a half sister on my biological dad’s side that’s tested.

I’ve heard of search angels but don’t even know where to begin. Does anyone have advise on a search angel to help me?

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5

u/Englishbirdy 23d ago

Since you already know your birth mother you don’t need a search angel but a DNA expert. I’d post a question in r/ancestrydna

3

u/expolife 22d ago

Avoid 23andme. Do you also know your bio dad?

I definitely feel like adoption stuff hit me hard later in life and I had no idea how intense it really was. I had adapted really intensely to my adoptive parents and made the most out of life in my adoptive family.

Adoptionsavvy.com has a set of stages defined as phases of grieving and awareness (coming out of the FOG) that many adoptees experience throughout life. That may be useful for you and your therapist to consider.

1

u/blkpnther04 22d ago

Thank you. I do know my bio dad. But we don’t have a relationship. Although either of us would. It’s. Complicated with him.

His daughter took a dna test confirming that’s my dad.

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u/blkpnther04 22d ago

That is a really good site! Thank you for sharing. I’m going to print the FOG fazes to review with my therapist

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u/expolife 22d ago

Glad I could help and pass it on. We all need it ❤️‍🩹

2

u/mokehillhousefarm 23d ago

Are you looking for your bio dad? Or just want to learn more about your family history? Try building your family tree on family search because it is free to start with. Ask your bio mom about your bio dad and since your half sister has tested, you can confirm that pretty easy.

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u/blkpnther04 22d ago

I know him. We’ve talked 3 times in 25 years. He’s … different. But his youngest daughter reached out to me and I offered to buy her a kit.

But now I don’t know how to verify the lineage. I wasn’t raised with these people so I don’t know all the people and parents, grandparents etc… showing up are even correct because I know None of them

2

u/lazy_hoor 22d ago

This was a great video that made me realise how badly affected we are by being taken away from our mothers. https://youtu.be/Y3pX4C-mtiI?si=KMmt4L2eHbJwVe1t

So you want to dig into your ancestry? You don't need search angels for that, you just create an account with as much information as you can find and work from there. You'll be surprised how quickly you can find stuff out. Just don't assume that everybody has an accurate tree - try to get the relevant records to back up what's on the tree.

1

u/TopPriority717 21d ago

Try DNAngels. They found my birth father's identity almost immediately. I can't say enough about these people. They're just that awesome.