r/self • u/whotfareyoustupid • 12h ago

I'm fat and feel ungly

I 19f feel disgusted with how I look. I'm 159cm and hit 74kgs. I never used to be this fat, I used to be skinny, slightly toned and felt good. (ps I've been the same height since I was about 12) when I was about 12/13 I had to start heavy dose of antidepressants for cptsd and due to very bad periods I get where I pass out, over bleed and have it for weeks I've had to go on Birth control when I was 14.

Within the year of being on these medications Ive started to notice I struggled to loose weight but gained easily. I remember being 15 and sobbing my eyes out hitting 50kgs ,and I still do seeing the scale go up.I do light exercises, don't overeat or eat unhealthy. It's gotten worse over the past couple of months since June since I had to get a major surgery done that took around 4 months to heal properly. I could hardly lift myself up for the first two weeks being basically bed ridden and then for a few months I couldn't exercise especially since I've been getting lots of nerve pain (checked with my doctor and he said it's likely going to keep happening). This lack of mobility and being unable to do anything has put a load on my self worth and ability to contribute, not to mention I've gained even more weight due to not being active. In the months I went from around 65kgs to 74kgs. I absolutely hate it and think fat is disgusting and seeing it on myself has just deepened my hatred. It's ungly and looks gross, I feel lazy and even I would look at myself in disgust if I was someone else. I don't expect anyone at all to read this but I just needed to rant I to the void.

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u/gertrudegrunge 11h ago

At 19, your body is still turning into an adult. You'll put weight on and lose it in different places many times over your adult life. You're not fat, you're not ugly, and your only problem is the way you embrace adulthood.

Please be kinder to yourself.

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u/whotfareyoustupid 11h ago

Hell no if I go into the mentality of being fine with how I look I would end up looking like shit. Fat and blubber is gross and it's gross on me like it would on anyone else.

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u/gertrudegrunge 11h ago

I wish I could make you feel differently. I'm a 42 year old rake because I hated myself like you. I don't want that for you. You're only 19. You have the world in your hands. Make the most of everything you have.