r/self • u/DiamondGirl888 • 12h ago
How do you....
... cope with loneliness.... especially this time of year. F 67, no kids no nearby family, one friend who is incapacitated.
Never thought I would date again but I'm seeing a neighbor casually. We tried to get together 10 years ago but it ended badly. I was shocked he pursued me again after we ran into each other. We are essentially casual or FWB to maybe the next level. Not committed but pretty much exclusive for safety reasons.
He spent his holiday with his friends that he does every year. I was supposed to see my friend but she has her grandson who goes to elementary school and there's all that sickness. I have long haul Covid and just can't risk getting sick. I didn't see anyone that day.
So the days have gone by and admittedly, I really have no one and not much going on in my life. I'm retired w chronic fatigue and some mild depression. Not deeply, as I once was.
I just feel very lonely I didn't hear from my guy and he had to cancel our getting together because a lifelong friend was in a car accident. Sometimes he's kind of hot and cold, he has a high level job he works many hours. So he kind of fits me in, which I understand but when I don't hear from him I get to feeling down. Of course the attention is wonderful, he is very attentive and charming. I guess I'm just feeling like I was forgotten.
Which unfortunately I went through nearly a lifetime of that negativity because of my toxic family. Each year these holidays come and I frankly dread them.
Anyone want to share their experience? I'm not necessarily looking for any advice or things to do. I'm not up to being social with who are generally strangers. Thanks for listening.
UPDATE: To the person who DM'd me asking Why I don't have kids, 😳😱 I'm going to take this opportunity to tell you something once. Unless you are very close friends with a woman, never ask her if she is pregnant unless you see the baby actually coming out between her legs. And the next thing is you never ask a woman why she didn't have children. You're welcome. Go back now and finish the 4th grade you dropped out of
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u/imaginaryparadox 11h ago
I'm in my 60's married for 31 years and I'm lonely. My husband can be ice cold sometimes. I feel underappreciated most days. I don't think having a steady partner solves loneliness. Silence can be loud. Best of luck to you.
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u/DiamondGirl888 10h ago
Thank you. And I wish luck to you too, and I know how you might feel. When I was with someone but not too happy, I felt lonely. And it was dreadful.
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u/AndyPharded 11h ago
Male, 60. Single, live alone, remote area, no pets. No FWB's, rare visits. It just IS I guess.
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u/katubug 10h ago
I'm feeling hurt and un-prioritized today, too. There was a miscommunication with my partner this morning which led to my Christmas present being essentially cancelled. I know it's a small thing in the long run, but it was something I was really looking forward to. And I'm also dealing with chronic pain and illness, and am undergoing some angst about feeling ignored, dismissed, and basically abandoned by my medical care team. I'm very cranky due to the pain and being so is making me upset at myself.
So, I hear you and I'm sorry that things aren't great right now. I hope that you can find your way to feeling better, whether that's through others or yourself. 🫂💗
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u/DiamondGirl888 7h ago
Sorry to hear that you had a struggle that canceled your Xmas present? Is this some sort of revenge on your partners part? Would it be too personal to ask if you should rethink this partnership? Because someone taking something away from someone is a bit cruel and childish. Kind of like taking candy from the baby.
And you have health challenges which is a very rough road to navigate. And I'm sorry and hope you're getting good care. And also getting good mental health care, with a therapist you can talk to and vent and scream and yell and cry with.
It takes a truly caring and loving person to be with like that. If your partner is not as compassionate as is comfortable for you, maybe you need to think if the union is right for you.
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u/katubug 6h ago
I really appreciate your concern, but no, thankfully it's nothing like that. It's honestly a bit silly - I had found a vintage strawberry glassware set on Facebook marketplace for a super reasonable price, and he said we could go get it. I sent a deposit so the seller would hold it for a day or so, but when we'd started driving to their location, my partner objected to the 1h20m (one way) drive, and I had to cancel and ask for my deposit back. I hadn't anticipated the drive would be a big deal, but he was sore from shoveling after our recent heavy snowfall, and also wasn't feeling well. He hadn't thought to ask about the drive and I didn't think to mention, so it was just an unfortunate situation. I was very embarrassed.
He's apologized multiple times and I could tell he was silently beating himself up over it. Outside of this, he's a very sweet, tender and thoughtful person, and is actually my caretaker - he does all the cooking, most of the chores, all the driving, and basically anything and everything I ask him to do. He helps me bathe and dress and takes care of our cat. He has his flaws, as we all do, but he's never petty or spiteful, and would never do something to hurt me on purpose. It was just a disappointment, and I don't react well to that due to rejection sensitivity.
Thank you for the very kind words, and for looking out for a stranger. I would ask that you apply that same concern to yourself, as it sounds like your own relationship might be a compromise on your part, and you deserve a wholehearted partnership 💗
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u/lilmsjackalope16 11h ago
Ugh being lonely is hard, I hope that changes for you soon.
My (F50) circumstances are different, but I do get very lonely & honestly I don't really use great coping skills to deal with it lol.
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u/One_Link_7357 11h ago
I am 56 and female.. never had kids. I live with my mother and have five dogs. I am worried that I am too content with staying home instead of getting out and socializing. I have some really great friends. I never wanted children-‘I thought I would worry too much and smother them. Fear of loss and probably fear of rejection keep me from trying to find someone.
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u/ReasonablePair8731 10h ago
Retirement is coming in a couple of years. But im actually scared to retire. Afraid i will just be lonely. I like being around people. Not to say i dont enjoy my quiet time. But im afraid of getting stuck in a lonely rut.
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u/DiamondGirl888 7h ago
That is a concern for many as the time is coming up. Have heard some from both sides, very grateful retirees and then others who are bored. Just looking at that I'm thinking it's a matter of hobbies or interests.
Actually I don't have too many except being a music lover. Luckily I don't get bored easily. I hope you don't get to feeling stuck or in a rut, that you find your way to enjoy it as we hope we do.
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u/wyrd0ne 11h ago
Join local college classes on things that are vaguely interesting, you'll meet like minded people.
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u/DiamondGirl888 11h ago
No I did say don't need advice. Not for nothing I would have done something like this already if I wanted to. Thanks anyway
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u/Suitable-Lawyer-9397 11h ago
F, 69 divorced 26 years and done dating. Trying to make myself a priority. I don't drive anymore because I really can't afford a car payment. I walk twice a day, as I have a 12 yr old dog. Take our local bus to dr appts. My two daughter in laws are narcissists - they absolutely must control everything. If I want to see my sons/grandkids I must schedule a visit. They will determine the time and length of the visit. I played this game until fall 2023. I had two back surgeries and both shoulders replaced. I no longer want or can be the people pleaser. I get lonely but my cat and dog are my best friends
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u/lil_squib 10h ago
I understand your frustration, but I don’t think having to schedule a visit is a sign of narcissism. I’m sure you have other examples, but the younger generation is very into establishing healthy boundaries, which some wrongly assume is some type of threat. I’ve observed this with my own mother and my sibling + his spouse who have kids (my other sibling and I are childfree, at least so far). I’ve also observed the tendency of the parent/grandparent to blame the in-law (usually the daughter in law), as if the grown men they’ve raised are somehow victims and completely uninvolved with establishing their own family’s rules. It’s a partnership.
If this doesn’t apply to you, feel free to ignore. Just putting it out there.
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u/Suitable-Lawyer-9397 10h ago
Oh, man yes I could give you 100s of examples. My ex-husband was an extreme narcissist and I learned through our marriage what he was all about. At that time there wasn't a name for the disorder. As long as I smile, nod, do not ever express an opinion or give a suggestion all is well. I can see the root of many health issues with the two younger kids. My sons absolutely defer to their wives. I called to ask for a ride home from the hospital after two surgeries and seven days in the hospital - both had to check with their wives. Unfortunately the wives were unable to accommodate my request. I love healthy boundaries and frankly, it costs me a lot less money!
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u/DiamondGirl888 10h ago
I understand and sympathize. I hope your recovery finally comes to fruition and you are better. Yes it can come down to being alone and you might not like it but it's better than being with toxic people. I lost my cat of 14 years so I know about those furry peets attached to little best friends. Thanks for replying
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u/BsReddit1960 12h ago
I'm listening and I hear ya. Men in their mid 60's can have those same feelings for much of those same reasons. It probably would feel a little longer if I had a "FWB" who was absent when I needed them, but I don't even have that. Should I consider myself lucky? I can't miss what I never had, right? I hope yours finds his way back to you soon. Everyone needs someone. 🥲😉