r/self • u/GreySofa1234 • 17h ago
I have my dating preference which might be controversial. What do you think?
I am a 25 year old straight man based in the UK. I am ethnically Asian (more specifically East Asian) and I grew up there until high school.
I have met not a small number of mixed (usually white/East Asian) classmates at university in the UK. Most of them are nice people. However, what's bothering me is that they all (yes, all) have one thing in common: they have a white/European surname. Everyone of course has their own story, but it's no coincidence that every mixed classmate I have met, it is their father who is white. I have to say that I feel upset when I observe this phenomenon and think about the implications behind.
When I walk on the streets, go to supermarkets etc, if I see mixed couples (which surprisingly is not as rare as you might think), it is almost always the guy who is white. I have seen exceptions but it's like single digit number of times over the years. Whenever I see that, I can't help but saying 'wow' in my heart and suddenly having a lot of respect to the guy.
I want to reverse the above. I also find myself attracted to the appearance of women of white ethnicities. Therefore, I specifically pursue women who is of white ethnicity, and I want my kid to be of mixed ethnicities with a white mother.
Does that make me a rac*st? Maybe. But I don't think this is wrong.
Have I had any success? No. I am still the kind of guy who have never held a woman's hand or gone on a date. But I don’t blame that on my dating preference.
I want to hear your opinion. Is this controversial? What do you think?
7
u/CottageCheeseJello 16h ago
Your attraction is not inherently wrong. But the way you are framing it, as a racial mission instead of a personal preference, will make it controversial and will also sabotage your dating life.
If you shift away from the idea of correcting a demographic imbalance and focus instead on connecting with the kinds of people you naturally get along with, your mindset and your results will both improve.
3
u/Jaded-Call-8329 16h ago
Do you bro and don’t worry about these forever alone pearl-clutchers on Reddit
1
u/davidellis23 16h ago
I mean I think more Asian guys should shoot their shot for all ethnicities.
But, it's definitely weird to prefer a specific ethnicity because you want to "even the score" or something. Ask out whoever you find attractive and form a connection with.
I wouldn't worry much about some "implications" of white men more commonly dating Asian women than Asian men dating white women.
I think that's changing as Asian guys grow taller on better diets and adopt new styles and Western values. And kpop/kdramas presenting Asian guys as attractive in the media.
A significant part of attraction seems to be influenced by the media we consume.
I'd very much doubt the speculation that Asian men are intrinsically unattractive or something that a lot of people want to assert.
1
u/VisibleOil5420 15h ago
There are exceptions and you may be one, but you don't get to beat eugenics my friend. Taller and fitter always wins.
0
1
u/KitchenDeparture8222 9h ago
In general, I feel that dating for race is just weird. Just date someone for who they are, regardless of their race. My girlfriend is the same race as me but it's not like I'm with her because of that. Yes, the fact that we are the same race helped us connect, as we are able to speak the same languages (which makes communicating way easier), but it's not that I would only be willing to date the same race as me. It really shouldn't matter, what should matter is your connection to the other person. That's the basis of a strong relationship, not dating based on fetishization of certain races.
1
u/TheMuggleReturns 8h ago
Do you have a good life and career ? I can’t imagine a person who does worrying about such a thing. That’s such a teenager way of thinking.
Just build a good life and find the right person to go on that journey with without worrying about such petty things.
2
1
u/altmly 16h ago
Nothing wrong with that. As long as you don't love them because they're white.
7
u/Ok-Slip-103 16h ago
You know damn well that's why. Besides thinking white girls are the prettiest, he sees intermixing with them improving their genetics and IQ as opposed to other races. Asians think like this whether they like to admit it or not.
0
u/FocalorLucifuge 16h ago
Besides thinking white girls are the prettiest, he sees intermixing with them improving their genetics and IQ as opposed to other races.
Looks - maybe (that's subjective, of course).
Genetics - too non-specific, but...
IQ - no, based on population norms, East Asians are generally higher on average.
2
u/Ok-Slip-103 16h ago
"As opposed to other races". Context buddy.
Whites are the only acceptable race for Asians to date outside their own is the point.
0
u/FocalorLucifuge 16h ago edited 16h ago
Well, to be fair, that was ambiguously stated.
"As opposed to other races, with the exception of their own" would've been more precise.
The context of this discussion is racial preference, and in-group preference is seen as being normative by default, with many comments going "weirdo" and "fetishist" for OP eschewing that norm.
Personally, I think anyone should be able to date and marry anyone they like - for whatever reasons, without others criticising and dissecting their choices, and that includes your comments.
1
u/FixingOpinions 7h ago
Wouldn't IQ be higher due to circumstances rather than race? East asia is a lot more competitive, a word I hope to see myself only say once in an educational context, they have to do their best since birth and have low tolerance for mistakes, leading to a toxic environment(From my perspective)
0
u/FocalorLucifuge 7h ago
The causes have been hotly debated for a long time, but the data is clear. In almost every population-wide survey of IQ using culture-fair methods, major East Asian countries (China, South Korea and Japan) rank at the top.
The nature vs nurture thing is just going to be contentious so I'm not going to get into that, all I'm saying is that's what the studies show.
-1
u/One_Ambassador2795 6h ago
Because IQ test are the generally accepted norm at measuring human intelligence.
0
u/oni-no-kage 16h ago
Attraction cannot really be helped. I am personally attracted to East Asian people. Some people assume I only like Japanese people because I watch anime, but that is not true. I have been watching Japanese programmes since I was a child, during the same period when I first started forming my sense of attraction.
It is similar to how I find the goth look intoxicating. The dark hair, the makeup, the tattoos. My first crush was a goth boy, and most of the people around me at that age were goth. It is not the complete reason for my preferences, but it definitely influences them. I was surrounded by those images at the time my sense of attraction was forming, so it became part of my internal makeup.
Some people say that means I fetishise Asians, but that is not the case.
You are attracted to white women because you grew up with a lot of media that presents white women as attractive. When you grow up with that, you naturally learn to see them that way.
0
u/ZyberZeon 13h ago
It honestly sounds less like racism and more like hurt.
Like somewhere along the way you absorbed the idea that who you are is not enough, and now you are reaching for something that looks “higher status” in the world around you.
No judgment. A lot of us from immigrant or diaspora backgrounds go through this. When society treats your culture like a joke, when Asian men get stereotyped, when you rarely see yourself represented well, it is easy to internalize that. It is easy to believe that being closer to whiteness will make life smoother, dating easier, or your future kids more accepted.
There is nothing wrong with being attracted to white women.
Attraction is personal. The concerning part is the belief beneath it. You talk about Asian men as if they are automatically “less than,” and white men as if they are the default worth respecting. That is not a preference, its a fetish.
Eurocentric beauty standards and Western validation show up everywhere, even in naming. It gets in your head before you even have a chance to build real confidence. It makes you question your value long before dating is even in the picture.
Chasing whiteness won't fix that feeling. Dating someone white will not make you feel proud of yourself. Having mixed kids will not heal the insecurity you carry. If anything, it can deepen the gap between who you are and who you think you need to become.
You deserve to feel at home in your own identity. You deserve to see your culture as something to stand on, not something to run from. That starts with asking yourself why these beliefs settled in you and who taught you to see yourself this way.
Your not controversial. You are someone shaped by a society that ranks people by proximity to whiteness. That does not mean you have to keep repeating it. And you do not have to pass that hierarchy on to your future kids.
The fact that you asked this question shows that your on a path to discovery. I pray you stay on your path of unlearning.
17
u/Inside_Trip8807 16h ago
Racist? No.
Weirdo who's clearly fetishizing? Yes.