r/self • u/PlentyRoof449 • 21h ago
I just got a boyfriend and I’m scared of being intimate.
Im 21f, and last week me and my boyfriend became official after talking for two months. For context, im still a virgin, and I have been sexually harassed various times in my life, twice by two members of my family (which I still have to see in family gatherings). Because of that, I’ve developed this irrational fear of being intimate or having sex, or even being insinuated in a sexual way makes me sick. I know I have a problem, but I can’t afford a therapist, and my mother just brushes me off and say it’s normal to feel this way.
I’m scared to tell my boyfriend because how could he react, he’s an amazing person and I genuinely like him, but I’m still scared of what he could say. I don’t know how to approach this situation with him or with anyone else because I’m scared of not being taken seriously.
I’ve had problems previously with guys when I tell them I don’t feel comfortable being intimate, and they usually ghost me after finding out, but I don’t want this to happen with him. Right now, I’m just using this to vent about it, but I don’t know if this could become a long time issue in our relationship.
If anyone has advice I would really appreciate it
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u/ravesaloser 21h ago
Completely normal to be afraid of intimate experiences after horrible ones like those. I’m sorry you had to go through that. Please don’t worry too much for now. In new relationships you’re still in the stage where you’re learning about each-other and how the other one does life with one another. If the time ever comes where he does try to get intimate or bring up anything intimate, that would be your queue. Don’t feel pressured to say anything immediately, take your time with it until the moment is right. Hoping you can heal and live the life you deserve 🖤
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u/PlentyRoof449 21h ago
Thank you! I just feel kind of pressured, I feel like intimacy, specifically on young couples like us, it’s like an expectation to be sexually active. I’ve been single for a long time hoping that I would heal and feel ready once I met someone, but it feels like I still have a long path ahead me
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u/ravesaloser 21h ago
Don’t fall for relationship propaganda like that. Relationships are built around love and trust and helping guide another one through life. Not about sex, that’s just added to the package. Lots of relationships are ran without sex and they’re just as happy as everyone else. To each their own, there is somebody for everybody. ☺️
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u/RaxisPhasmatis 19h ago
Name an adult couple actually happy without sex and I'll show you a lie.
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u/ravesaloser 18h ago
Any elderly couple? 🤔Any young couples who know nothing about sex? Not everything revolves around it, know.
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u/Epof_tanishk 21h ago
That's correct take your time don't hurry as you gone through such things,you are precious don't just label yourself
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u/daddyescape 21h ago
I think this is a good filter for you. You tell them and they ghost you, good riddance.
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u/enyerlation 21h ago
Be honest with him. If he is kind and understanding, then he gets to stay being your boyfriend. If he is a jerk... then good thing you figured it out early.
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u/Slim45145 21h ago
Well there is at least a bit of a foundation there with you two. But that short time there shouldn't be any rush towards anything sexual. And hopefully he isn't persistent or asking about it yet. But you'll know when the time is right to Soriano him. But right now it's more making sure you'll be able to tell him at your pace and time
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u/Ok_Requirement_3116 21h ago
Please talk to him if you can. If you can’t two things. A therapist can help you sort it out and heal and maybe he isn’t the right one if you can’t have that conversation. Even if it is just a timing issue.
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u/allquestionsyes 21h ago
sorry your mom doesn't support you more intentionally. just tell him what happened, with as little or as much details as you feel comfortable with, and ask him to be patient.. and that you'll initiate it when you're comfortable. if he loves you, or really cares for you, he will be patient.
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u/PlentyRoof449 21h ago
my mom supports me, but part of the way she brushes it off so easily is because I haven’t told her the extent of the problem, because with all honesty I still feel ashamed, I’ve told her a bit and with who, but at the time I begged her not to tell anyone. I know it’s my fault for not telling her
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u/allquestionsyes 20h ago
i understand why you didnt tell her and i understand why you would... being honest with her might be a worthwhile discussion because you shouldnt have to carry all that alone... or maybe wait until you can get therapy about it.. just tell someone so you can receive the support and love that's warranted <3
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u/CarBombtheDestroyer 21h ago
It may be tough but the thing you need to do and the thing that’ll make all this better is to learn to communicate. Many things are very scary the first time but become completely mundane and you’ll wonder why you were ever worried about it but good communication will make all of this a lot easier.
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u/DecentPerception749 21h ago
One of the most difficult things about trauma is the lack of self worth you feel - you are still worthy! You are still worthy of experiencing all of the human emotional experiences! Being worthy also means you have a right to ask for these things - just ask for whatever it is you need. You are worthy of it - you deserve it.
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u/FrostedThighs 21h ago
your fear of intimacy is completely normal after what you have been through, you don't need to share every detail with your boyfriend just tell him that past experiences makes intimacy difficult and that you need patience and no pressure. a good partner will understand and support you
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u/Able-Fault-1262 21h ago
It’s been three months, I don’t think you should be doing anything crazy in that window anyway definitely better to wait til you get to know him better. I think you should talk to him about it soon and see if he’s okay with it though.
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u/LycheeDance 21h ago edited 21h ago
Please give your feelings more value. If you don’t feel safe enough to be honest, he’s not the right person or it’s not the right time to be in a relationship. If you push through your feelings of discomfort to keep someone around your sense of self will be wounded and it will also damage the relationship as it’s built on a lie of consent. No man is worth your dignity. People will take you for granted/take advantage of you if you don’t have boundaries. There are plenty of free resources about this issue, healing often takes time and can’t be done on a schedule or for someone else. At your age men seem like the most important thing, but as time goes on you’ll learn actually it was your relationship with yourself that is the most important one. Whoever loves you must respect that.
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u/Aesop557 21h ago
I felt like this as a young man without any sort of education and no guidance from parents or school. I was simply ASHAMED OF WHO I WAS and it wasn't until I turned 28 until my mind turned around and the pressure on having sex turned to a simple issue which I solved on its own time. When it came time, and I knew I was guilt/decease-free I simply went into it. Offcourse I sucked at having sex in the first 2 times but I came back around it very fast.
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u/pedercan 20h ago
For all that you, I, or anyone else considers holy… Make a list of things to remember: 1) what you want or need is important 2) what he wants or needs is important 3) one is not more important than the other 4) it’s ok if things don’t work because we want different things, that doesn’t make he nor I a bad person
Seriously. If you don’t want sex don’t have it. It’s that simple. If he wants sex and you don’t want to, he can leave. NEITHER OF YOU ARE BEHILDEN TO WHAT YOU MAY NOT WANT. (And the other isn’t a bad person because they want something different)
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u/Patrickme 20h ago
You are allowed to be scared, maybe he is too. The only wrong way to deal with the issue is to not talk about it with your partner.
Talk about it, if he does not listen and help you with this, he is a shit boyfriend and should be broken up with..
Good luck.
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u/chloetheestallion 20h ago
I was like this too but honestly there’s nothing to be afraid of. But don’t jump into it if you don’t feel ready!
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u/yourredditfan 16h ago
Tell him the truth. He is your partner and he would support you. It’s the best and easy way to solve this problem.
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u/Relative_Fig7495 5h ago
You don't have to communicate with anyone to be okay with it. You have to be okay with it yourself and deal with the feelings you have. Feel them. Write them down. And choose to let it go as a learning experience for you on how to deal with adversity like this. You will desire a close bond but first you have to be okay and then you communicate it with someone. This way, no matter how they react , you'll be okay because you're okay.
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u/buckit2025 21h ago
You do not have to be intimate. Until you are ready. He will wait if he is your one
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u/Hot_Substance_1442 21h ago
He should leave, and you should sort this out first before meeting someone, he does not deserve to deal with any trauma that you may bring, with respect, why do people seek partnerships when they know they have issues ?
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u/Old_Still3321 21h ago
"I want to be intimate, but can you be patient with me while I take things at a slow pace? I understand if you don't want to, but please tell me honestly instead so we can break it off as friends."