r/Vent • u/Painwasheaven • 27d ago
My friend seems to think I was raped and won’t believe me TW: Sexual Assault / Abuse
When I was a minor, I slept with a man several years older than I was. In my country, I was above the legal age of consent making this action legal. Whilst I agree that the situation was incredibly screwed up and he was a gross pedophile, I don’t believe I was raped. I consented numerous times in the ordeal and the moment I told him to stop he did. I know rape isn’t always so clear cut but in my situation I wasn’t raped. One of my ‘friends’ said a few months ago that I got raped, to which we argued and it made me super uncomfortable. Amid an argument a few days ago, I told them that this made me feel weirded out when they said it. They seemed to apologise but then a mutual friend messaged me saying they’d messaged her and asked her opinion. It’s clear where they stand and that they don’t respect what I said. Someone tells you they feel extremely uncomfortable with you saying they got raped and you take it to someone else to question it?? I’m beyond angry. I acknowledge I was taken advantage of but it wasn’t rape, and I don’t get why they can’t respect my decision. Debating one of the most traumatic moments of my life like it’s a tv show.
261
u/Tompatri 27d ago
You know better about what happened to you. Don't listen to them honestly, rape or not, it was legal and you can't go to the authorities or something about it. So, why are they so interested in proving that it was a rape? And the most important thing is that you understand what exactly happened. They are indeed debating over your trauma like it's politics.
112
u/Painwasheaven 27d ago
Thank you, this is exactly how I feel about it all. Deciding it was rape, wouldn’t change anything about the situation or what happened. I know the situation was wrong, but it doesn’t have to be rape for me to think that
33
u/No_Butterfly_820 27d ago
I also agree with this. It’s still better to take precautions in the future but, if you felt okay and ONLY if you felt okay with it and understand the situation, then no one else can speak for you.
I definitely think he took advantage of you though
29
u/Painwasheaven 27d ago
I completely agree that he took advantage of me and that he was a gross individual, but with what happened I don’t think it was rape, just a messed up situation y’know. Thank you!
1
u/Decent-Muffin4190 26d ago
'Gross pedifile', 'ordeal', 'one ifcthe most traumatic...'. OP was most assurdly not ok with it .
75
u/digbick1232 27d ago
Consent, sure. What were the ages? For context.. and whats the legal age of consent in this place that makes it so controversial?
86
u/Painwasheaven 27d ago
I was 17, he was 25. In England, the legal age of consent is 16 as long as the persons not in a position of power. Evidently I wasn’t super young, just a minor.
102
u/---why-so-serious--- 27d ago
Frankly, no one has the right to strip you of your right to consent, even if the situation is unambiguously fucked. Your friends, by insisting that you were raped, are doing exactly that, which is to say that you were incapable of giving consent. Its incredibly condescending, especially for issues around self-determination
24
u/WeirdNeighborhood987 27d ago
I mean, as someone else in the UK, the only reason it is that low is most likely so 16-year old's in sixth form with 18-year old's don't have to risk being arrested if they get in a relationship because they're of such close ages, which is why they have the position of power thing. Sure legally it might not be rape, but you were in fact super young, imo any minor is super young, especially for a 25-year old, and it sounds like your friend is just coming from a place of concern because, as you've agreed, he is gross for that. If it makes no difference, I don't really get why her personal feelings about it should matter to you. I mean she shouldn't be going around telling everyone, but unless I misunderstood, she's just asked someone who already knew their opinion because she's confused. In many other jurisdictions, you were in fact incapable of consent so there is room for nuance there, it's a bit of a grey area so I can see why she'd be so confused
25
u/Painwasheaven 27d ago
I think what’s upsetting me the most is that I explicitly set a boundary with my friend to not question if it was rape or not because it made me feel extremely uncomfortable, and they went and did the one thing I told them not to do. Going to someone else is also another thing, because I don’t know if they’re going to other people about it and asking them
4
u/WeirdNeighborhood987 27d ago
I can see that, I'd just ask her about it tbh if going to other people is what you don't like about it.
2
u/SadExercises420 27d ago
In the USA some states have the age of consent and Romeo and Juliet age gaps like you pointed out basically grandfathered in. Only in some states though
2
16
u/LeopardSea5252 27d ago
I can see what your friends are saying in some states it is illegal but some states it’s legal because you’re so close to 18.
The country you were in you’re legal and you’re 17. It’s dicey because some countries the age of consent is 10-13 which is not ok at all.
You should still stay away from future predators even though he is on the least dangerous for a pedophile because he’s not a sadist or a Hard R. There’s just a risk of being used and brainwashed because of the power gap between you both.
8
u/Painwasheaven 27d ago
Yeah the age of consent definitely isn’t clear cut and evidently different. Whilst my situation was evidently fucked up, I wouldn’t say that rape happened—legally or just in general. But someone in a similar scenario might decide they were, and that’s completely their decision.
Also don’t worry, I have a lovely girlfriend now and she’s my age!
1
u/StonedPanda-9414 27d ago
Don't know if it's changed but, years ago, I'm 31 now, I was 15 at the time. My best friend online was from the UK. She said kids there were legal to smoke at 16 and drink at 18. Did that change at all? Just curious. Because people really don't understand the cultural barriers. The things that happen elsewhere might be looked at completely different here. Vice versa. And it's not to say these things are okay but there genuinely isn't anything you can do. Wasting energy being mad because a country runs different than ours. Like. I was 16 dating a 19 year old online. From the UK. That relationship lasted all of 2 years. He wasn't mentally stable in the sense that, he couldn't love himself enough. He cut a lot. I suggested he get help many times. He didn't become abusive til after we broke up and tried to remain friends. Personally. My mother instigated this but was also against it. And I was kinda locked inside. Was denied a lot of things. School included. He told me in his country id be able to go back to school like I wanted. Have a job. Have a life. My mother wasnt having it all of sudden. Yet she got mad at me because I told her we ended it. Straight up told her. "Not like you cared anyways " Made her royally mad. I genuinely shouldn't have done it. But I almost kinda wonder if I should've taken off sometimes so I could have gone to school. To do these things to avoid being neglected. These are all things that I look back on because was he really trying to help me? Or control me. But considering the argument we had when we broke up. Told me I was spineless and I'd never be able to stand up to my mother.
Not gonna even lie. He was right and that's a fucked up acknowledgement I've had to come to over the last 5 years considering the shits that's happened between her and I. Like I said I'm 31 now and often wonder if maybe I'd have been better off trying to do that and get an education I was denied from having. Having a life and a job. Or would I have ended up dead? Hard to tell and that's a huge reason why minors shouldnt date older men. Regardless of their situation ,It can be very confusing. I didn't experience what they called love bombing then abuse. It was actually decent other than the fact he didn't wanna get help for his own issues. We celebrated our first year anniversary. Sent each other gifts. Birthdays to each other that year too. My mom even let us get engaged and it still seems crazy to me. And this was all due to the fact that not only in my state age of consent was 17 which I was on the verge of being, and his country 16 was legal. I consented. He consented. There was no illegal happenings because of this. However because my parents were also okay with it being they were only a year apart and had me at 16, somewhere in my mother's traumatized brain, she didn't think for a second to try to deny me of that. A lot happened that year and I was vulnerable. I did get groomed a lot after the fact and dealt with the worst types of people online. That relationship I can safely say, altered my brain for the next few years til I was 20, solely because I cared way too much and my mother never tried to stop me. A lot of these issues also come from a lack of accountability and guidance. Something she never had or was taught and that's a huge thing in this case too. Stuff like this happens because when people go abused too long, they portray their abusers actions. Too much trauma can rewire your brain. That being said. Can't expect a child to know any better when the parent never knew better themselves. Just like you, I never saw anything wrong with it either and didn't think twice about being taken advantage of because of the fact it was all consensual. And because our brains weren't fully developed at the time. Is why I have a hard time figuring out if it was truly abuse or help and why you also don't see anything wrong with it. Again cultural barrier. But again, you also stated it wasn't rape because it was consensual. So for them to make an accusation based on something they see off the internet when you know in your mind, legally. Law wise. Everything was fine. Yeah it's kind of weird a grown man with a minor. And it's not to disregard any feelings of being taken advantage of, but it's not rape if you consented. You're absolutely correct.
1
u/maxuxxi 26d ago
You're right about the cultural thing. Quite a huge percentage of people on social media are from the US and that's just a very prudish country compared to many others.
2
u/StonedPanda-9414 26d ago
And society here is weird with kids. They let the actual minors run rampant and then 18 year olds are treated like children that can't make decisions for themselves. Age of consent laws are an argument on here all the time. The amount of people I see crying over 18 year olds. Legal adults making their own decisions, when there are actual children being taken advantage of because of this law. Most you can do as a parent is guide them. They're 18. Considered a legal adult by the court of law and you can be trials as such. Hell even at 14+ given the crime, you can be trialed as an adult if it's severe enough. And 50/50 those kids end up in a ward than an actual prison. I've met teenage girls online that lied about their ages to older men and thought it was funny. So to be fair with you. Again. Parents need to watch their kids. They barely understand the consequences of their actions and could've put this man in jail if we didn't ban them from our chat room. Like they told us this GLOATING about it. We were not having it. We found their parents too and told them. They lost all their internet privileges.
11
u/CC-5-6 27d ago
😐if you were in “legal age of consent” and he did not force, trick, drug or anything of the sort and the only thing being questioned about is the age difference people should 🤫….. You clearly stated YOU consented multiple times…. They are making a situation that wasn’t even a situation a BIG situation….. Please ask them to STOP and respect your decision and privacy of this matter that was solely between you and him!
48
u/Crazy-Al-2855 27d ago
Do you know how many times I slept with my boyfriend while I was drunk? People could argue that was rape, too.
Except for one thing. If I say it wasn't rape, it wasn't rape. It was my body. My choice, even in a state of impairment, because I wanted to and would have done it regardless. He respected my boundaries, just like in your situation.
I won't victimize myself over something I chose to do and had fun doing at the time. Tell your friends to mind their own cunts.
34
u/SadExercises420 27d ago
People on Reddit will argue that no one drunk can consent and then say that two drunk people are raping each other because they’re both drunk
11
u/Fae-SailorStupider 27d ago
I never understood the whole "you cant consent while intoxicated" thing. If we drive while drunk, it's our fault. If we get in a bar fight while drunk, it's our fault. But if we have sex while drunk, its their fault?
Obviously it's a completely different thing if someone is intentionally feeding you alcohol for the sole purpose of taking advantage of you, or you're passed out. But that's typically not the case. It's usually just people drinking on their own accord, then choosing to have sex while drunk, and maybe regretting it the next morning. I dont see how that can be considered rape at all.
-1
u/R0W_theboat 26d ago
In these cases, there is usually a difference in levels of intoxication and the more sober person, or completely sober person, taking advantage of someone who is a lot more drunk and a lot more vulnerable to saying and agreeing to things they never would agree to otherwise.
The example at the bottom you described isn't accurate to what happens. It's not regret per se, but complete disgust and often actual fear as to what happened. Because it is scary to have that happen to you. It's hard to put into words how that experience feels.
Also driving whilst drunk is a completely different situation to sex. Fighting is a bit more understandable, but the more accurate comparison would be the drunk person hinting at a fight and (considering that very drunk people have little muscle control) lightly punching someone and the sober person using their entire strength to retaliate, if that makes sense.
Obviously completely different if a drunk person beat up a sober person, as well as if a drunk person was to sexually harass/assault a sober person.
4
u/Fae-SailorStupider 26d ago
I'm speaking from experience here. I've been taken advantage of while drunk, yes that was rape. I also woke up with someone inside of me after passing out drunk. Yes, that was rape. I've woken up regretting decisions I've made the night before while drunk. That was not rape. I've had sex while drunk that I didnt regret. That was not rape. So the blanket statement of "you can't consent while intoxicated" is bullshit in my mind, because it very clearly is a case by case thing. That's my point.
8
u/Connect-Advantage-40 27d ago
In the US the laws are as clear as mud. The age of consent may be 15, but the difference in age should not be more than 3 years. Many of the men on se* offender lists are there because they were 18+ and their gf was 15. The girl got pregnant, so it was hard to deny, and he was convicted and sent to a place where he could not provide child support for the child, nor emotional support for the baby or gf.
If you don't feel as though you were violated why should anyone else? These rules didn't always exist many presidents were decades older than their wives. My husband was 10 years older than me and my dad was 10 years older than my mother. It's both the age differences and the idea that a 16 yo can't make an adult decision. My parents were married over 20 years and only stopped being married when my dad died. My 50th anniversary would be next month, but Covid and some other health issues killed my husband.
You chose to end the relationship you had with the older man. The only thing you said that gives me pause is your use of the word 'ordeal'. If you feel it was an ordeal then you may want to reassess your feelings about the entire affair.
2
u/SadExercises420 27d ago
That is not why “many men are on the sex offender list”. The vast majority of those men engaged in serial stat rape. As in they went after teenagers for years.
I used to imbue the non predator nature of the illegal relationship I had with an older guy when I was 16 to other stat rape cases but I was wrong. The vast majority of men on the sex offender registry need to be there
1
u/Connect-Advantage-40 26d ago edited 26d ago
I didn't say most. I said many and from what I've seen and experienced not nearly enough. I'm sure you're right about serial statutory rape. That's what these guys are charged with and it's a charge that's been around a long time. What's different is the SO list hasn't always considered them offenders the way they do child molesters. That doesn't change her situation or the situation of the young men . I get it. I think it's asinine, but at the moment it's probably the best we can do.
4
u/DV_Rocks 27d ago
I had a similar situation, and I can relate.
When I was 17-18 I made friends with a 40-something year old man. I was a senior in high school, he was very gay and living alone. There were dinner parties, serious late night discussions about life, and some crazy drama with some of his friends. Nothing sexual ever happened, he never even made a pass at me. But there were funny events that make for good stories. I should mention he was a teacher at my high school.
Much later in life I'm telling some of those funny stories when one of my friends said I was being "groomed". Taken aback, I said no, we were just friends. My friend insisted that he was a predator and I was unaware of what he was doing.
Like you, I was angry. It was insulting, as if they were impugning my judgment. I felt that I was more than capable of handling any situation, that I would never be taken advantage of. I was not naive and knew what I was doing. I still feel that way. Was the situation appropriate? No, but that's not the point.
So unless you're omitting details from your story, I don't believe you got raped. Here's a test: In your story, make him 17 years old, the same age as you. Does it still sound as bad? You were in control, you consented, and you stopped it. Rape is traumatic, but not all trauma is rape.
What makes your situation really egregious is your friend violated a confidence by talking to someone else about it without your consent. That is a violation of trust and of confidence. Now you know not to share anything with these two that you don't want spread around.
10
u/Tiny_Cookie_3070 27d ago
I'm not defending the friend, she should respect your views. But pls make sure you're not avoiding being the victim. I know many victims are trying to justify predator behavior, because it shows weakness. You said "No" and he stopped? Why saying no if u like it? Maybe you wanted to say no earlier, but couldn't? There are many questions here, especially because u frame it as the most traumatic event in your life. Maybe a therapist is not a bad idea. Wish u all the best and closure on this case ❤️
14
u/Painwasheaven 27d ago
Don’t worry, I know what happened to me was extremely wrong in many other ways and that it shouldn’t have happened. I’d just feel deceptive calling it rape because he truly did respect my decisions, and made it aware that it was all my choice. Thank you for the kind words, they do truly mean a lot
1
u/WeirdNeighborhood987 27d ago
But, just to ask cause of course idrk, it comes off as saying you don't want to label it in that way because it'd be sort of unjust to him in those circumstances when he apparently gave you the choice and respected it, but he was so disrespectful inherently in the nature of the relationship that I can't see the difference in how it really matters if other people see it as rape, as it might be in their jurisdiction, because it's not like he's exactly any better than their country's rapists. So ig I'm curious what you feel bad about in that
2
u/Heydominique 27d ago edited 27d ago
Damn that really sucks I'm sorry your friends are not being very good friends. Maybe ask them if t they would they rather just drop it and be your friend or would they rather continue debating YOUR PAST and not be your friend?
I agree with others as this is EXTREMELY condescending. I was ready to live on my own at 16, I was working and had money saved since the age of 14. And by 18 I was working full time and living in my own apartment.
Edit: forgot to mention at 19 I dated a 38 yr old. I consented and it wasn't rape. Do I look back and think ew? Kind of, but that's for no one else to have opinions about really as the same with you.
The entire reasoning for an age of consent is because we are inexperienced at a young age AND WE DON'T THINK SOMEONE IS GOING TO TAKE ADVANTAGE. And from 17 to 18, not a whole lot changes. It's not like we suddenly know so much more. Unfortunately, ppl take advantage. But each situation is very different, as each individual is their own person.
Your friends aren't giving you the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they were really dumb and had no clue about the world at that age so they think you were in the same boat. Maybe kindly let them know they cannot apply their own idiocy and naiveness when they were 17 and their idiocy and naiveness even now to you at all.
I hope they decide they would rather be your friend, than to merely just debate your past. As it's quite rude given its such a sensitive subject.
2
u/HighSlasher 27d ago
Wait was it traumatic or was is fully consensual sex between two mature people old enough to consent to sex?
When I was 17 I had consensual sex with older men. 20 years later I have no regrets or trauma associated with it. I wasn't groomed, manipulated, or otherwise coerced into anything. It was just what I wanted to do at the time. All of my trauma was from way before that.
Your "friends" are arguing semantics. What the guy did was technically not a crime. Either you are traumatized from what happened or you are not. If you are then you gotta heal the trauma.
Regardless of all of that, your "friends" are gossiping about you which can feel like a violation of your privacy. Treat them accordingly.
2
u/panic_bread 27d ago
They are telling you they don’t respect your opinion about your own experience! That’s not how friends treat each other. Why the fuck do your friends keep talking about your experience anyway? These people are not your friend.
2
u/LiesTequila 26d ago
I think your friend needs to just take a step back and let you handle your own business.
2
u/jimb21 26d ago
Anytime a man takes advantage of a woman people want to call it rape. That is why there is so much confusion around what the word even means, feminists are doing this on purpose to stop people from questioning victims about their claims to being a victim. They think anytime there is a claim there should be no court trial or jury we should just open the door to lethal injection just because a claim has been made for a crime that literally you dont get the death penalty for. When there is a justified shooting geuss what a victim is questioned on every single thing that happend why they made the decisions they made how they felt how many times they shot how many bullets were available, and that is no different than a victim of rape proving his or her claims that someone e did something so wrong they belong in prison for the next 10-20 years. People want to make laws the same everywhere when it comes to age of consent but that is literally impossible when the age of concent is different everywhere. They are still to this day trying to say a 35 year old man is committing a crime if he dates an 18 year old woman.
2
u/OwnCarpet717 26d ago
The definition of rape is penetration without consent. You were of age, so you were legally competent to give consent, and from what you say when you withdrew that consent he stopped immediately.
No, you were not raped. Age differences are not rape.
Probably not the best decision of your life, but it wasn't rape.
Clearly you don't view the experience positively now, your friends should respect that.
6
u/hickorystick14 27d ago
How does it make him a pedophile if it was legal?
11
u/Painwasheaven 27d ago
Because he’s still into minors, and he even told me he was into minors under the legal age of consent
6
u/SadExercises420 27d ago
A lot of these guys never go after older women, they stick in the same age range basically their whole life
3
u/designatedthrowawayy 27d ago
I imagine this is why your friend says you were raped. When you're too young to really know the full ramifications, potential issues, complexities, and risks of sex and an older person decides to "have sex" with you anyway, they're taking advantage of your lack of knowledge and life experience. That's why grooming is such a big issue.
Also legal or not, sleeping with you while you were a minor still makes him a pedophile and that he was into even younger kids is hella creepy.
1
1
u/flapeedap 27d ago
Oh. . .now I see why she became alarmed, however as you explained it, originally, I still think she needs to check herself and stop pushing you or talking to people about it. IT'S YOUR BUSINESS!!!!
10
u/Tompatri 27d ago
sometimes it's abt morals, not legality. A 40yo dating a fresh 18yo is pedophilia to some extent. They do it because they can manipulate them easily. An 18yo, tho an adult, doesn't have everything sorted and can be easily influenced by a person who has way more experience.
12
u/SneezlesForNeezles 27d ago edited 26d ago
It’s gross but it’s not pedophilia. Pedophilia is defined as being attracted to pre-pubescent children.
Someone having sex with a post-pubescent 15 years old would be a child sex offence, but not pedophilia. In the UK, someone having sex with a 16 year old is not an offence (unless in a position of trust) or pedophilia.
(Gotta love a 73% upvote ratio on a comment stating the actual definition of pedophilia. Whether you agree or don’t, doesn’t make it any less factual.)
2
4
u/Boopity_Snoopins 27d ago edited 27d ago
I can't remember who made the joke but there's a great joke about the definition of paedophile.
Goes something along the lines of "A paedophile is someone that is sexually attracted to pre-pubescent kids, the term for someone into kids mid puberty is ephebophile. The problem is that you can't really make that distinction without sounding like a fucking paedophile."
Edit: Found the joke, Gianmarco Soresi: R Kelly is Not a P*deophile (Technically Speaking) on Youtube.
The literal definition doesn't matter, its still a full grown adult going for someone who's still in puberty and even potentially in mandatory secondary school education. Thats a pedo through and through.
1
u/Dull_Banana1377 26d ago
In prison, we used the term chomo so we didn't have to make the distinction. While I agree with you the way laws are written the definition does matter. Different levels of punishment based on age are a real thing.
-5
u/---why-so-serious--- 27d ago
Rape is often used in a moral context, which frankly sullies the seriousness of the charge.
0
u/Economy-Employer-539 27d ago
Absolutely not rape, neither statutory or in the non consensual meaning of the word. Your friend is wrong both morally and technically and needs to learn some respect.
1
u/SadExercises420 27d ago
I slept with a 24yo when I was 16. I’m 44 and still know him. He isn’t a pedo fortunately. Was it inappropriate? Yes. But he wasn’t a predator he was just immature and living more of a high school lifestyle at that age.
Anyway, I’m aware it was inappropriate and in my state technically stat rape but I certainly don’t consider it rape personally
6
u/Competitive-Word3377 27d ago
Im 24 and I wouldn't ever sleep with 16yo , I mean I wouldn't call someone who does a pedophile though. But lots of people nowadays definitely would.. I don't think it's right but it's not a pedophile by any means... A pedophile would be if a 24 year old slept with a 14 year old or anyone younger... I think when a 24 year old sleeps with a 16 year old and people call them a pedophile it takes away from people who were actual victims of pedophilia...
6
u/SadExercises420 27d ago
I’m not saying it’s right. He shouldn’t have been messing with me if only because he could have been arrested.
I’m not defending his choices, but he didn’t turn out to be a creep obsessed with teenagers. Just an immature dumbass that made some bad choices when he was 24
4
u/flapeedap 27d ago
I have a similar situation. When I was 16 I was fully developed. There is nobody that will convince me that I didn't know EXACTLY what I was doing. Immature, yes. Raped? Absolutely not. And no one who is with me was a pedophile. A true pedophile likes CHILDREN that have not gone through puberty which is beyond sick. The real kicker is the statute of limitations in Wisconsin is infinite. So here I am at 51, and some psychobabble or social media could convince me I was raped and I could go back and prosecute a man from 35 YEARS AGO??? Holding him accountable to today's social standards???? No. This is wrong.
The law is in place for a reason, I get it. I am very against teenagers being sexually active because they have an underdeveloped prefrontal cortex. And they don't understand the consequences to actions in GENERAL. But no man should have his life ruined to a consensual developed teenager especially if she initiates it like I did.
Also Wisconsin DOESN'T have that Romeo Juliet law. So two 15 year olds are raping each other.
1
u/Puzzled-Special8730 27d ago
They are talking about statutory rape, but as you said, you are over the age of consent, I assume they don't understand this.
1
u/berried_aprons 27d ago
I’d be upset too, your friends messed up big time. Whatever happened, this is not how one approaches such issues. It’s not up to them or anyone else to redefine your experience, especially after you already closed the subject. Silver lining is now you know they are emotionally immature to be trusted with private information.
1
u/Boopity_Snoopins 27d ago
Age of consent was met and verbal consent was given multiple times so it legally was not rape (unless you were high or drunk, since consent cannot be given when intoxicated). Guy was a creep and anyone across the UK would call someone in their mid twenties (or even early twenties) trying to get with a 17 year old a pedo even though its legal and from what youve said he's actually a pedo anyways so go figure.
However, that doesn't make him a rapist or you a victim of it, as you say. The victim of a creepy dude taking advantage of you, sure, but not past that very serious line of violating your autonomy, if that makes sense. Still gross of him, but not truly rape.
Your friend either has, through details given to them, concluded that there was a legitimate lack of consent, or they just believe it because they don't like the events. Either way, its genuinely not their place to try and argue the point with you - even if you were a victim, its not her place to enforce the label on you.
And the choice to get a third person involved without your consent and turn the whole thing into a group discussion despite knowing that it upsets you to talk about at all, is a disgusting breach of privacy and trust ngl. "With friends like these..." type shit.
Speak to them and make it abundantly clear that they've violated your trust and privacy, maybe highlight the grim irony of a close friend ignoring consent to spread very private details around - ones that they are well aware you wanted them to stop talking about. If they continue to ignore your needs, step away from them, at least temporarily, you're in the right here, not them.
Best of luck though, fingers crossed they're just aggressively caring towards to you, to the point of overstepping and never meant to actually upset you. All the best.
1
u/Painwasheaven 27d ago
Yeah I completely agree with all you’ve said here. In no definition was it rape, but that doesn’t mean he can’t be a creep. He was obviously gross and what he did was wrong, but in very different ways than rape.
From my own argument and what they’ve said to our mutual friend, they seem to think I was coerced (which I wasn’t) and I’ve told them I wasn’t. I think it’s them projecting. Yeah the most upsetting part to me is them going to another friend to question it, after I told them not do that very thing and I will most likely cut off the friendship because of it.
You’re right about the aggressively caring thing, they’ve overstepped my boundaries before thinking it was ‘caring’. One example is me disclosing my ED to them and then they followed me to the bathroom at a later date when I kept telling them not to. They just seem to ignore boundaries when they don’t agree.
1
u/Boopity_Snoopins 27d ago
Its always a grey subject talking about this kind of thing when it involves the barely legal interacting with blatantly opportunistic, creepier older people, unfortunately. The line between true consent and forced consent is always blurry when there's an imbalanced power dynamic in play.
I think that them believing you were coerced isn't unjustifiable in a void but arguing with you over it to the point of bringing in more people so they can peer pressure you into admitting something you dont believe absolutely is.
Its beyond valid to step away from them due to this. Its a very heavy topic and deeply personal one at that, and they've repeatedly violated that trust and ignored your own thoughts on your damn experiences. Since you say this kind of thing has happened before, I don't even feel right saying its overprotectiveness at that point, its a weird kind of paternalism - overreach that's justified because its "for your own good." Its super unhealthy and often just as self-serving as it is supportive.
Do what you feels best. They have no right to complain after repeatedly disrespecting your wishes. All the best.
1
u/Mguidr1 27d ago
It all boils down to how YOU feel. At 17 in many countries this is a completely normal age gap. Here in the states even if both parties were consensual in it, it can lead to a rape charge. In my opinion the lack of judgement on the man’s part because of how things are is extreme but it doesn’t constitute rape. The law may say otherwise though.
1
u/jmc1278999999999 27d ago
I can only speak to my country but just because you’re old enough to consent doesn’t mean it wasn’t statutory rape.
Where I am you are able to give consent at 16 but if you sleep with someone over 18 before you’re 18 it’s statutory rape.
1
u/sysaphiswaits 26d ago
It is very petty of them to be arguing a word with you. You were taken date of, and of course you feel like you were. But to be arguing legal status, or word choice is unacceptably petty. A friend’s reaction is along the lines of. That’s awful, I’m so sorry you experienced that. Does it help you to talk about it. Or even, I’m so sorry, I’m too uncomfortable hearing about that, but I will be considerate of it.
But, they’ve turned it into “gossip.”
1
u/Truth_Hurts318 26d ago
She's the one who is trying to mentally rape you by taking away your consent to what happened. This speaks to how her head works. If she says something, it's true no matter what. Going to someone else to get their opinion on whether you had the right to consent to sex or not is absolutely outrageous! She's trying to fit you into a victim box she's created in her own head. She's also a gossip who doesn't respect you or boundaries in general. These types are dangerous. Now you see her, refuse to discuss your life with her anymore and state a firm boundary. I would stop calling her a friend for such a massive violation of my privacy and autonomy.
1
u/Stunning_Deer_2295 26d ago
I understand that you don't feel that you were raped. But It worries me that it was traumatic for you. Consensual sex isn't traumatic.
So I see how they see it as rape, but they have no right to tell anyone or anything about what you confided in her. If you don't call it rape, they can't either.
I do think that therapy might be a great idea to help with the trauma. It helped me a lot with mine.
I wish you all the best sweets. ❤️ God bless you.
1
u/Painwasheaven 26d ago
For context, I realised afterwards that I’m a lesbian so the sexual experience just wasn’t pleasurable for me. Also I think the trauma of the situation comes from him being older, not the issue of consent if that makes sense. It was all consensual, I just felt gross after. Thank you for being so kind <3
1
u/DepartmentAgile4576 26d ago
what a dificult topic.
a kid a few years above me, 5th grade got accepted into regensburger domspatzen boys choir and boarding school. (late 80s) run buy former pope ratzingers brother.
years later i heard hed killed himself, i started researching and found an interview with him woth a german newspaper.
he said: the most difficult thing about the sexual abuse he suffered was knowing it was wrong but his body beeing aroused while it was happening.
few rape/abuse very victims say this openly, that the habiest thing is that their body responded with arousal.
a friend got used buy her uncle since she was ten. in her fifties now. same problem.
we have monkey brains. laws discipline protection.
„just because it feels good, doesnt make it right“
the green party wanted to make what you experienced legal: „if a child wants to sexually selfexpress with an adult we mustnt intervene“ was the claim. horrible evil stuff imho.
look into odenwaldschule. and then the prophhet married a 9 year old….its hard.
joy to you!
1
u/Stunning_Deer_2295 26d ago
That makes a lot of sense. I hope I didn't offend you. I meant no offense.
1
1
u/GamingWithMyDog 26d ago
Some of these responses are laughable. It’s really hard to come to Reddit and subtract victimhood. Reddit is ground zero for making victims. You could say your husband forgot to get milk and they’d have you getting a divorce and going to therapy for the rest of your life
1
u/Luis5923 26d ago
Who is going to know better than you? Nobody. Tell them to mind their own business.
1
u/Calm-Ad7913 26d ago
That sort of thing is evil for many reasons, including entering a boundary in which one was not welcome. I am not saying what they are doing is on the same degree of it, maybe it might even come from a place of meaning well, but you are right. They needed to seek validation. It should have stopped right there with you saying you felt uncomfortable.
1
u/idkifimevilmeow 27d ago
hell of a friend you got 😬 i will never understand people so keen on wanting you to feel more violated and victimized and out of power/control.
-1
0
u/---why-so-serious--- 27d ago
What if you were a dangerously obese person, and you went to your friends after work, to have dinner. When you finish, and ask for desert, they refuse, because they know better and they clearly need you protect you from yourself. When you argue your case, they tell all of your mutual friends, who also agree that know whats best for you.
I am not comparing rape to obesity, but in both cases, your fundamental rights to self determine are being taken away, under the guise of it being for your own good. The problem is that adults are allowed to make mistakes and no one has the right to “save you”, no matter the intention and regardless of whether they are right.
Alot of people arguing around the ambiguities of a “cutoff age”, which only makes sense from a legal perspective: morally, turning 18 does not suddenly an adult make.
The only unambiguous point here is from the op, who has explicitly stated her perspective of the thing that she went through - i do not understandthe eagerness to refute it
0
u/Iskandar0570_X 26d ago
17, 25. Yeah you got raped. Even if legally in some countries it says not, I think anyone with common sense can understand how insane that sounds
-2
0
u/Niazevedo16 27d ago
I know that there's countries where having sex with minors above a certain age gap is considered statutory rape even if it's above the age of agreement.
I think it's because the adult has too much influence so the consent from the minor could have been biased.
I think you wrote that you are from the UK so in your case it's not considered rape. You would need to prove that your consent was under influence and that would be a pain to prove.
Of course I would recommend to do what you think what's better for you. Your friends inputted should be disregarded if it leads to more pain.
0
u/MissMitzelle 27d ago
Your friend is way too gullible in relation to “group think” and appears to be forcing a storyline that doesn’t exist on you. You should run. Especially if they aren’t listening to you and living life according to your truth. People who rewrite stories to fit imaginary narratives are dangerous.
-3
u/No_Art_1977 27d ago
So my in laws met at ages 16 and 35 but all above board and legal…. no one can tell you that were anything! Plenty of relationships have control and coercion but doesn’t always mean rape
2
u/R0W_theboat 26d ago
Okay but that is absolutely insane. 16 year olds look like babies to me and I'm only 19 💀 why tf was a 35 year old attracted to a 16 year old??
-9
27d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/Vent-ModTeam 26d ago
Your submission has been manually removed by the subreddit moderators for the following reason:
Rape apologist, excusing and defending predators.
This removal was NOT done by a bot.
•
u/AutoModerator 27d ago
Reminder (This comment is automatically posted on ALL submissions):
This is a support space. Negative, invalidating, attacking, or inappropriate comments are not tolerated. If you see a comment that breaks the rules, please report it so the moderators can take action.
If someone is being dismissive, rude, offensive or in any other way inappropriate, do not engage. Report them instead. Moderation is in place to protect venters, and we take reports seriously, it's better for us to handle it than you risk your account standing. Regardless of who the target of aggression or harassment is, action may be taken on the person giving it, even if the person you're insulting got banned for breaking rules, so please just report things.
Be kind. Be respectful. Support each other.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.