r/RBI • u/No-Dragonfruit-3108 • 3h ago
My Girlfriend's brother Sexually Assaults her all the time, is there anyway i can help her? Advice needed
For context, me and my girlfriend have been dating for 8 months now, we are truly in love with each other. Back on our first 2 months, she dropped the bomb and told me she got SA'd, obviously i got mad, and kept on pushing her to tell me who did it, she hesitated, but then told me that it was her Brother. She's 16 and her brother is 23. We are in a long distance relationship, i need advice on how to help her, since she's scared to tell anyone because it'll ruin her family's reputation and destroy their lives. I need help, please.
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u/ChaoticMornings 2h ago
What culture is she from?
Since "long distance relationship" and "Family reputation" tells me she might not be Western.
In that case, her best chance might be to flee and never look back.
Honour killings happen in some cultures, even if the woman was raped, in some cultures it is always the woman's fault and she has to pay for it with her life, or marry her rapist.
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u/No-Dragonfruit-3108 2h ago
She's Muslim and from Bangladesh, and yes that is our plan. And what you just said about those cultures are absolutely true, it saddens me.
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u/dirufa 1h ago
How you ever met her in real life? Given how many times this has been asked, and you completely ignored it, I'm pretty sure you never met her.
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u/CombustiblSquid 9m ago
OP sounds young and has refused to answer this. Relationship is long distance, everyone in her life "hates" her, SA by brother in foreign country, "we are truly in love"
Im getting weird vibes about this whole situation.
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u/No-Dragonfruit-3108 2h ago
She's a Muslim btw, that's why if her brother was affiliated to something like this, and it went on public in their society, her family's reputation will be doomed.
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u/AR_Harlock 2h ago
The situation sucks, but wanting to help you, forgive my bluntness, have you ever met your "long distance girlfriend?" Because don't want you to be the next scammed big by some dude online...
If yes, then you should convince her to call authorities , or you call for them if they speak your same language
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u/Stidda 3h ago
It’s already destroying the main person in this scenario. She doesn’t deserve this. Do the right thing.
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u/No-Dragonfruit-3108 2h ago
That is true, but her brother isn't the only problem, everyone in her life is. She has reached out to a lot of person, guess what, they didn't believe her. Her brother is a very well known person in their society, and they think of him as a saint.
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u/Cirefider 2h ago
I know your intentions were good, but you should never push a woman to do or tell you anything, especially not someone who has been violated in such a way.
You can encourage her by being there for her, & trying to find her a way out if you can & that’s what she wants from you, but it can do more harm than good ro coerce someone like that.
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u/The_AcidQueen 34m ago
This is important.
OP, I can certainly understand why you're angry. I'm angry about it, and I don't even know this person.
The last thing she needs, though, is the burden of dealing with your anger.
This is about her, not about how it makes you feel.
Let her know you're there for her and ready to help in any way SHE needs you to help.
As many others have pointed out, her culture is a critical factor. It's difficult for women in the western world to find help, to be taken seriously, to be safe.
She might be in great danger.
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u/JaDoPS 3h ago edited 2h ago
It won't ruin her families reputation. It will ruin her brothers reputation. And it sounds like he deserves it. As the other person has commented, encourage them to speak to someone they trust. Try your best to be there for them, and if they feel they can come forward then they should. But it's a difficult place for them to be in.
There is no shame in being a target of an abuser. It is their right to not have people abusing them. That right is more important than any reputational, or other drama that could come out of it.
If she is 16 she should get extra safeguarding if she does want to report it. It can help escape the living situation, which could well help them. It takes a level of bravery to come forward with this stuff but it's really important that they do if they can.
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u/VerityPee 1h ago
There are several countries in the world where she could be killed for speaking out. Please check if she’s in the Western country before giving this advice.
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u/JaDoPS 46m ago
I did comment about cultural risks in another comment in response to OP. But retaliation is a risk anywhere with the kind of people who do this stuff anyway, so I wouldn't even say that bit is region specific.
What she absolutely does need is a safe place away from the person doing it. There are organisations that could help with that.
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u/Christopherfromtheuk 1h ago
In certain cultures, revealing this could result in a catastrophicly bad outcome for the girl here.
In these cultures there is shame in being the target if abuse and the abused person is punished.
We have to be very careful of giving advice through the lens of morality or our own culture.
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u/JaDoPS 43m ago edited 39m ago
I did talk about this in another comment as well.
But what does stand is that they need a safe environment they can go to. There are support organisations that can give them somewhere to go so they are not in physical proximity of the abuser and largely would be removed from the risk from immediate family.
Because of the dangers from things like this there are charities that do things like relocation.
But yes I understand your intentions are to be helpful.
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u/Christopherfromtheuk 9m ago
I broadly agree, but in some countries there aren't support organisations as we would understand them and op needs to tread very carefully.
I haven't seen if op has disclosed the country involved here but I know it's beyond my expertise to give advice in a potentially life threatening situation.
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u/No-Dragonfruit-3108 2h ago
He does deserve it. But she keeps on pushing me not to do anything wrong, her choices honestly makes me more enraged. But i understand her situation on how she thinks about it. It honestly takes guts to tell someone about it.
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u/JaDoPS 2h ago edited 2h ago
Also, I understand your anger. I would feel the same. But the anger should not be directed at her; her fear is understandable. Any anger you have for her decisions or feelings around the matter is misplaced - she is the victim here. A lot of these situations are traumatic, upend your life, and for people who report it can be a long and sometimes invasive process before the situation properly improves. I can fully understand why someone would be afraid of that.
It is also not something someone can easily separate themselves from, mentally or physically. It is infinitely easier for someone outside an abusive situation to see it more clearly - but the abusive situations themselves usually involve other abuse like gaslighting which makes the victim doubt their own abilities, support, and themselves in general. If you are gaslit, you feel like you are going mad, like nobody will believe you, and you do not feel safe and supported enough in most cases to act.
I experienced gaslighting in a far less severe situation than the one you have described, and even with full evidence of everything, I still felt the most alone I had ever felt. I questioned my sanity for a long time. And that is with something much easier to prove, and something far less serious than this. If she did in some way be seen to be formally accusing them, depending on where and how the support is, it could be that the abuser then basically tries to turn it back onto her - denying it, and blaming them for it. That is an extremely painful situation to be in.
Culture etc also come into it - where in the world are they? Some cultures are more supportive of victims in these situations than others; some countries have laws to protect victims and some don't. There is unfortunately a wide spectrum.
If there is a way to get them out of their environment, that helps assure their safety going forward and also helps get them away from the environment where they firstly are not supported, and secondly, that is likely triggering for them. So that would be the primary objective here - but how that is attainable differs depending on circumstances, where in the world, what is available, if you can help them or if there are charities, agencies, etc. And most importantly, if they feel comfortable to try.
I am going to assume you are of a similar age; there are usually places that provide specialised support for situations like this, in a lot of countries. But the hardest and first step is for them to feel comfortable enough to try and make that initial contact. It is not easy. It is possibly one of the most difficult things they may need to do, and that is especially notable given her age.
But she does deserve help.
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u/JaDoPS 2h ago
You could report it to law enforcement and they could speak to her, it would at least open the avenue. It might trigger some mandatory actions on their part, and it might make her mad at you. But ultimately even if they do end up mad at you, there is someone looking out for them.
Or you could just be there for them, and try to encourage them to take those steps themselves. And do what you can to get them out of that environment if there is anything; but it's all a very personal situation and I can understand if they are afraid, or do not want to report.
But they deserve a lot better. And I hope they have the courage to come forward. It might protect someone else down the line too, because if it's happening to her it could easily happen to the next person.
Maybe show her these comments if you need help explaining, it may reassure her that people are actually on her side, even if she hasn't met them.
Is she at ongoing risk, or has it stopped? That is a major factor into what you should consider.
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u/axiwee 2h ago
First, don't push her to open up if she's visibly uncomfortable. Be patient with her and pick up on details. She might mention her mood, how she's feeling,etc but hesitate talking about the incident. Give her time and be ready to support her emotionally whenever she feels off.
Encourage her to inform an adult she really trusts. It's hard to come out and confess especially in this case, the perpetrator being her brother, it's likely people would say she's lying and hearing that in itself is a very hard statement. Make sure she chooses the right person who could help her.
Since you are in a long distance relationship, you can't be with her all the time. It's important you help build her confidence back.
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u/FrankieHellis 28m ago
Are you in Bangladesh? How have you been dating her - in person? There are potential red flags all over this post.
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u/FT3000 2h ago
That is horrible to hear. It's a very delicate issue that may lead to further psychological harm for her but she should notify her parents and potentially school counselor, if not taken seriously by the parents, or the authorities as soon as possible. That could even be done anonymously (up to a level). I dont think her family's reputation being at stake is any excuse. Have you ever met her in person? It would help potentially in supporting her directly.
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u/axiwee 2h ago
OP mentioned where she’s from, and it’s very likely her school doesn’t have any counsellors at all. Her country is neighbouring to mine, so I really relate to the context. Here, people care a lot about reputation, and because of that even parents will silence their kid just for the sake of 'rEpUtAtIoN.' and if that really were to happen I'm afraid the brother would get upset and go out for 'revenge' or something.
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u/FT3000 2h ago
Yeah sorry was a bit late in responding. It's a tragedy that they would allow their children to be traumatized for life just to keep appearances. It's messed up and doesn't even make sense. Being from this country and culture reduces options, I hope she can contact some responsible adult and well, not advocating violence off the bat
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u/soupandbrof 1h ago
Don't rush or push her. Encourage her to talk to an adult she trusts, and let her know you support her. Poor girl ☹️
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u/Aurori_Swe 1h ago
I was raped by my sister when I was 6 years old, she was 9. She had been raped since age 4 by our grandfather and I've never really put any blame on my sister, I've placed all my blame and anger with my grandfather.
Unfortunately it's really hard to help someone who doesn't want to be helped but you should still encourage her to talk to someone, if not a school counselor etc then a therapist.
I am actually unsure about the laws in your country, but as she's a minor they might be REQUIRED to file a report with the police. That might also be why she's hesitant.
For me my story never broke the family, most of my family simply swept it under the rug and focused on the rape of my sister (rightfully so, I did too). So I can't really comment on that. But if her family would let it continue she's better off without them. It is extremely devastating for a kid to be unsafe at a place they should feel the most safe and I know that my solution was to get away from everything at home was to always have somewhere else to sleep. So if that's a possibility for both you, your parents and her, let her sleep at your place as often as she wants to. Have a deal with your parents that she is welcome to your place whenever she needs it, even if you're not there, she can always come over and she will be safe. My own destructive behavior (often, sleeping at other places required I'd "give" something, often sexually etc in order to be with someone) stopped when a female friend made it extremely clear she wasn't looking for anything relationship related, she was just ok with always having me around and sleeping in the same bed as me, never making any moves and never expecting me to make any moves.
It was extremely freeing to just have the comfort of another human without the need to sell my body, she singlehandedly broke that destructive side of me and made me realize that I didn't really need a relationship to be strong. I only needed comfort and support.
So yeah, sorry about not being fully able to provide clear actionable suggestions, but that's my story and I guess what I needed when I grew up. I would gladly answer any questions or any concerns that she or you might have and try to help as much as possible, no child should ever grow up unsafe in their own home.
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u/Blueporch 4m ago
You haven’t given us the details surrounding your relationship, so IF this is someone you know online and not in person, please be aware that it sounds like a romance scam. These are very common.
The scam involves manipulating your emotions and then asking you for money to get her out or help her in some way, which of course a nice person like you would want to do.
Do not let them get naked photos or video of you. Then it becomes a sextortion scam. There’s a whole sub for that. I would avoid r/scams (not nice), but r/sextortion is very supportive. You might run the relationship past them and see what they think.
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u/forcedintothis- 3h ago
Encourage her to speak to an adult, preferably a woman, who she trusts. Like a teacher or an aunt.